Ministry for Shining

Non-Sunbeam teaches kids to shine...

Gordon Brown and Ed Balls have blown critics of taste and decency out of the water by announcing that this week (June 30th to July 4th) is to go down in the history books as Shine Week. According to the Prime Ministerial website, the event doesn't involve the literal 'Shining'… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jul 2008 11:37 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Fun and Games

Facebook to improve education system...

To the delight of buck-toothed youngsters throughout the nation, a Government-backed report has claimed that social networking websites such as Facebook and Bebo should be used in school classrooms to boost pupils' literacy skills. Conducted by Childnet, an organisation that promotes Internet safety, the report officially stated that, "young people… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Jun 2008 1:08 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

More balls from Balls...

Education secretary Ed Balls has sworn to empower teachers who have issues disciplining unruly kids due to the intervention of something called 'parents'. Apparently, there is still the odd fruit-loop floating about who feels that just because they helped to gestate and raise a child it gives them some sort… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 11:14 AM. Permalink

getting down wiv da kidz Dept.

Government to create maths teacher army

If there's one thing that Westmonster really needed at primary school - apart from Thatcher to bring the free milk back and for Percy Jackson from Year 3 to stop stealing our Ghostbusters Panini stickers - it was for a kindly teacher to take us to one side and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 10:36 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

John Prescott all upset that he don't speak too good

It's hard to maintain levels of literacy and articulation in this modern world of ours. Literally everything is being slang-warped and abbreviated, to the point where Westmonster fears an entire new generation of whippersnappers will grow up to carry out their wedding vows in Textspeak and deliver funeral eulogies… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 May 2008 4:51 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Incubation

Balls to make exclusion uncool again...

Dropping or getting kicked out of high-school and still succeeding in life is just about one of the coolest things that you can do. Period. It's an act that demonstrates a strength of character so much more refined than that of the average schmuck that, when you hear stories of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 11:55 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bin Laden to release new video..

Within the next 72 hours Osama Bin Laden is expected to release a video message about his thoughts on Israel's 60th birthday celebrations. Reuters. A Pakistani man who stabbed his racist BNP neighbour to death is currently undergoing trial. The Times. The high court will today rule whether or not… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 7:51 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Embryo Bill gets the majority vote...

MPs have voted to allow controversial plans to update human embryology laws. BBC. MPs say that national school tests should be made fewer in order to provide children with a rounded education. ePolitix. The BBC has been criticised for wasting millions each year on props, catering and costumes. The Guardian.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Conservatives 26 points in front...

The latest Yougov poll claims that the Conservatives now have a 26 point lead. UK Polling Report. The government is set to help home owners as repossessions are set to rise. BBC. Channel 4. There are plans to start a national database of 'bad employees' which can be accessed nationally… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Vote early and vote often...

Millions will vote today in the UK local elections. BBC. ePolitix. Londoners will also be voting in the Mayoral Election. ePolitix. It was revealed that a quarter of UK pupils will not get into their first choice primary school. The Times. The House of Lords has ruled that doctors trained… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 May 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

Celebrity Cabinet

Prime Minister looks to Shakira for advice

If you wanted to discuss the issue of education within the Third World, who would you turn to? An academic who has spent his whole life researching the topic, maybe? Possibly a charity worker who had spent a significant amount of time working in such poverty-stricken corners of the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 21 Apr 2008 6:30 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Tories still don't like Gordon Brown...

The Tories have blamed the country's current economic problems on Gordon Brown (naturally). BBC. E-Politix. Alistair Darling asks banks to go easy on mortgage costs. The Guardian. The Chancellor also has plans to visit China with some of his banker friends. The Wall Street Journal. George Bush and The Pope… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 Apr 2008 7:32 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Media folly: Morning roundup

We're assuming that you're reading this after recently arriving at your office for the Monday morning grind. Please accept our commiserations but rest assured that, despite the planet's usual state of discord, things seem to be pretty much in order. The best of the morning's stories are as follows: Following… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 Apr 2008 7:23 AM. Permalink

Department for David Beckham Studies

Education education education

A question: has any British government ever won, or lost, an election because of its education policy? We ask because there are signs this morning that this government's "policy" - more choice for parents in selecting schools, more independence for the best-performing schools, combined with a shedload of extra cash… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Jan 2008 9:20 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Doom, gloom, shake the room

Uh-oh, tighten those belts. The Bank of England says it's going to be choppy in 2008 thanks to global mortgage-lending buffoons. Presumably the Tories are now well ensconced in the "any bad news is good news for us" zone, so Happy New Year, Davey! Cleggers is investing in social mobility,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Jan 2008 4:56 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

DaveHeart (TM)

BONG! If someone hasn't thought of that headline already, we're copyrighting it. Anyway, Dave put his Unionist T-shirt on in Edinburgh today, before nipping out to buy some Scottish wool and shortbread. We think our picture is more descriptive of the Tory-Scotland interface than another one of bloody Mel Gibson,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Dec 2007 5:56 PM. Permalink

Department for David Beckham Studies

When Balls Becomes Dumb

Looking forward to Ed Balls' Children's Plan this week? Well, he's given us a sneak peek by recommending some role models for Britain's young people: “I think the Spice Girls have been good role models,” Balls said. “They inspire girls to believe they can stand up for themselves and do… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Dec 2007 3:24 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Local Policies for Local People

The Boy Cameron gets co-operative

The Telegraph are reporting that Davy's going to announce Conservative "co-ops" which allow residents to take over the running of local services, including schools. Hmm. Westmonster realises that she always seems to be the one widdling on everybody's fireworks, but foundation hospitals (similar premise) have hardly been a roaring success… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 11:20 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Thursday sing-along

The Government plan to claw-back funds from state schools has been shelved after bad publicity consultation with key stakeholders. Remember folks, even if 100 schools had said they thought the policy was a good one, the Gord would still not have gone ahead with it. Lorely Burt is the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 8:49 AM. Permalink

Westmonster: “education”