Ministry for Fun and Games

Cowardly Tony scared of death threats...

Second Coming Middle East envoy Tony Blair has decided to cancel his peace spreading visit to Gaza after 'specific threats' were made against him. The planned trip would have been the highest-level diplomatic mission to the territory since the Hamas seized control of it about a year ago, though the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 Jul 2008 3:09 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to quit...

Gordon Brown is to vacation in the English town of Southwold in Suffolk. Channel 4. Tony Blair is to visit Gaza for the first time in his new role as Middle East envoy. BBC. Jacqui Smith is wishing she had never said anything about knife offenders visiting people in A&E… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 Jul 2008 8:28 AM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Tennis with Tony? That'll be ten grand, please

Tennis - officially the best sport in which overpaid public schoolboys yell 'aarrgh' all the time as though they're undergoing gastric surgery rather than just hitting a ball with a racket - has always been bereft of political presence. Until now. That's right: ex-PM Tony Blair has decided to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 9 Jul 2008 1:49 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

Blair defends Brown...

Tony Blair has defended Gordon Brown's perceived ineptitude by stating that we were living in a 'tough time' for all world leaders in which members of the public were seeking domestic solutions to global problems, such as rising fuel and food prices. "The problems of many political leaders are driven… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 4:51 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Waiting

Knock, knock, knocking on Labour's door...

David Blunkett has joined the bevy of myopic Labour politicians convinced that the party will rise like some sort of sloppy phoenix from the ashes of Gordon Brown's maladroit leadership skills. Speaking on a Radio 5 interview, he said that even though they had reached 'rock bottom', Labour still stands… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 10:53 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Deliverance

Holy Blair comes out the closet...

Tony Blair came out of the holy closet today by revealing that his new purpose in life is to breed understanding between the world's religions. With a manic gleam in his unblinking eyes, he told the interviewers at Time Magazine that Christianity had long been a part of his life,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 1:20 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Anglophilia

Obama to recalibrate special relationship...

Barack Obama has upped his Anglophile credentials by announcing that the 'special relationship' between the UK and the U.S. needs to be 'recalibrated'. His vision for the future would see our two great nations walking arm-in-arm aside bowling greens and past movie complexes, feasting on roast beef with Yorkshire pudding… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 2:29 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Insensitivity

Top 10 politicians in need of a beating...

Whilst Westmonster doesn't espouse the use of violence to achieve its goals, we can't help but think that the recent incident involving the beating of Labour MP Anne Moffat will make her think more carefully regarding the way that she votes on, or deals with, issues of crime in the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 3:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Malevolence

Prince of Darkness to rule the underground...

Boris Johnson has alarmed Londoners by appointing somebody called 'the Prince of Darkness' as the new overlord of the underground. Seriously. Tim Parker, a businessman who was once given the unimaginative nickname by uninspired union workers, will be in charge of TfL in his new role as first deputy mayor.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 10:12 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Tony Blair almost killed by Israelis

Why, you poor misguided fool. There you were, thinking that Tony Blair's existence consisted entirely of smiling eerily, replacing genuine political debate with Clifford-esque marketeer rhetoric, and latching onto insanely flawed arguments for invading certain portions of the Middle East. Apparently there was much more to it than that.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 May 2008 1:31 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Digits

Political lists are hip for sure...

Whilst we know that lists and so forth are traditionally Iain Dale's territory, it appears that all the cool kids are starting to get excited about them of recent so we might as well join in the party. The trend developed earlier in the week when the Telegraph published a… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 3:35 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Smut Peddling

Cherie Blair defends book...

Cherie Blair and her bent face have found themselves in a spot of bother after the release of her memoirs - so much so that those disgusted by her revelations have asked her to stand down as a judge. Dear, oh dear. However, on Radio 4's Woman's Hour this morning,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 2:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Separated Degrees

NNDB Mapper maps political connections...

Trawling the Internet's nether regions has led Westmonster to the the NNDB Mapper, a pretty slick tool that allows users to map the social networks of politicians, actors and other prominent members of society. All the big UK political names like Blair, Brown and Cameron are on there, along with… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 3:04 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Prescott not a fan of Brown either...

John Prescott has revealed that he asked Tony Blair to sack the current PM whilst he was nought but a mere chancellor. ePolitix. Gordon Brown has sworn to make social care for the elderly 'fairer'. BBC. Companies may soon start using lie detectors when employees call in sick. The Sun.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Doctors seek cure for ineptitude...

MPs have labelled the government's handling of last year's junior medic recruitment drive as 'inept'. BBC. The Guardian. It has been claimed that Alastair Campbell sexed-up Tony Blair's 45 minute WMD claim whilst the case for invading Iraq was being made. New Statesman. A report has shown that UK households… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 May 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Gordon Brown feels your pain...

Gordon Brown feels your pain. The Guardian. New York's mayor, Michael Bloomberg, is to visit Boris Johnson on Friday to give him some mayoral advice. The Guardian. Tony Blair has paid £4m for the former home of the actor Sir John Gielgud. The Guardian. The government has plans to open… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 May 2008 7:55 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Labour hammered in local elections..

Research suggests that Labour were 'hammered' in the local elections, slipping to third place beneath both the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats. BBC. The Telegraph. The results for the London Mayoral Election will be revealed today. BBC. The Guardian. Tony Blair has made his first appearance on Time Magazine's list of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 7:29 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Fisticuffs

Brown shrugs off Blair's 'loser' comments

In a move that is many ways analogous to his nonchalant leadership skills, Gordon Brown this morning 'shrugged off' the spiteful playground claims that Tony Blair had once called him a 'liar and a loser'. Speaking at a press conference, the PM vehemently stated that he "wasn't bothered what that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 3:36 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Roundup

Brown vs. Blair vs. Levy: media roundup

So Lord Levy's autobiography A Question Of Honour - kind of like A Question Of Sport, but hopefully not as utterly soul-destroying - has begun its inevitable serialisation prior to release, and all sorts of strange tidbits are emerging from the former aide to Tony Blair. Here's a meedja… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 Apr 2008 11:43 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Old Friends

New Livingstone, New Danger?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, The Guardian today reveals that Ken Livingstone has been receiving campaign advice from none other than ex-pm Tony Blair and his spin doctor friend Alastair Campbell. The move comes at a time when we were secretly hoping… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Apr 2008 1:41 PM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Tony Blair: artistically knackered

If you were posing for a painting, you'd probably want to look your best. Needless to say this wouldn't involve having the inner turmoil of attempting to redefine your sullied legacy etched onto every line of your oh-so weary face. Unless you like that sort of thing. Ex-PM Tony… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 11:55 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Tony Blair dodges train fare

When one hears the words 'train fare dodger', what mental image immediately springs to mind? The skint student legging it away from the ticket inspector as fast as his backpack will allow? The wily chav, making excellent use of his Burberry cap by sliding it over his eyes and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 12:54 AM. Permalink

VOX-POPPED!

Brown 'worse than Blair', claim random people

Where would the world of politics be without arbitrary opinion polls? Probably concentrating on things like 'policies' or 'strategies' or 'ideas on how to save us from upcoming economic meltdown'. And, seriously - who'd want that? Let's turn our gaze to a new meedja-friendly survey, then, which claims that… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 Apr 2008 11:23 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Prescott's taxpayer banquet

We've already witnessed a lot of controversy over MP's spending and allowances these last few months, and - with the introduction of a Freedom Of Information order - it looks like we're going to be seeing a lot more. Details are seeping out further, and allowing the public a… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 5 Apr 2008 7:37 PM. Permalink

Ministry for higher powers

Blair 'faith speech' lacks divine intervention

Faith and religion have become contentious issues of late, what with heavyweights such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens weighing in with their opinions on the apparent uselessness of the whole ideology. None of which stopped ex-PM Tony Blair converting to Catholicism last year (how's that 'forgiving sins' angle… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 4 Apr 2008 12:11 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Tony Blair: officially disliked by Belgium

Belgium is remarkably tolerant of lots of cultural oddities - they're responsible for Tintin and The Smurfs, after all. Yet while they're evidently big fans of bequiffed reporters and undersea blue people, they're not too keen on British exports. Namely ex-PM Tony Blair. Blair has been hustling for the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Apr 2008 12:23 AM. Permalink

All change please

Blair better than Brown - fact!

Finally, statistical proof that we loved Tony more than Gordon, in the form of page view stats for the Number 10 website. February 2007 page views (PM: T Blair) were 22.7 million from 5 million visits. February 2008 page views (PM: G Brown) were 4.5 million from 1.5 million visits.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Mar 2008 3:04 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

President Blair opposed by PM Brown?

There's a delicious piece of troublemaking in the Telegraph this morning, speculating that El Gordo and his allies may sullenly resist a Blair EU presidency because it would be bad for the Labour Party in a general election: A Brown ally said: "Imagine what a field day the British media… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Jan 2008 9:13 AM. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

What would Dave do?

Reading through the Hansard transcript of last night's EU Treaty debate on TheyWorkForYou, a few things become clear. Firstly, the boy Miliband did a good job, on paper, of laying out what the Treaty is for and why it's different to the constitution. He even admitted (after nudging by Ken… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Jan 2008 9:23 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Portrait artist selection process

So, you're the most successful Labour leader in living memory. You've had a decade as the Top Dog in British politics. You fancy getting your portrait done. Should your portrait painter: Be the son of a senior Tory MP? Have a series of right wing icons (Prince Philip, George Bush… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Jan 2008 8:50 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Loving Thine Enemy

Osborne hearts Blunkett

Westmonster has recently noted the narrowing of the policy gap between Labour and the Tories — it's all starting to seem like the contents of the two bags are largely the same, just that one's red and the other blue. Today, the lovefest continues with Shadow Chancellor George Osborne's David-Blunkett-fawn-a-thon… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 10 Jan 2008 10:54 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

More cash for Tony

Apparently peace in the Middle East is not enough of a challenge for Tony Blair. In his spare time, the Tonemeister is taking an over-£500,000 consulting job with U.S. investment bank JP Morgan. What effect the new job will have on his videotaping schedule for White House videos, Westmonster… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 10 Jan 2008 7:35 AM. Permalink

Westmonster Deathmatches

Gordon Brown vs. Bovril

It's time for another round of Westmonster Deathmatches. Today we pit salty, once-popular Prime Minister Gordon Brown against Bovril, a salty beef extract rumoured to be popular. El GordoBovril… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 8 Jan 2008 3:44 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Immigration for grown-ups

The Government doesn't know. The Daily Mail doesn't know. The Local Government Association doesn't know. Even London's taxi drivers don't know. So what exactly is going on with immigration in Britain? Well, the Barrow Cadbury Trust have had a stab at investigating. The report contains the memorable phrase "Britain's diversity… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Dec 2007 11:39 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Mail: Lady voters heart Davy

"Women voters have ended their ten-year love affair with Labour and are switching to the Tories." The Daily Mail, as ever, has the inside track on what's going through the ladies' minds. Apparently, it's this: "What does approval rating mean?" Because the article explains it. Also, children think Cammers is… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

Blast from the past

The Blairs: What Not To Wear

An amazing article from the delightful Liz Jones in the Daily Mail, on how the Blairs fail to scrub up well now they're no longer in Downing Street. Worth it for this sentence alone: "How can these people run the country when they can't even run a comb through their… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 11 Dec 2007 11:45 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Today's YouGov poll

More grim news for the Gord came with the Telegraph's YouGov poll, which put the Tories on 43 (up two) with the comrades on 32 and the LibDems on 14 (both no change). The UK Polling Report sounds a note of caution about getting too Private Fraser ("we're all doomed.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 12:38 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Notes on a Scandal

The Cowley Street Bedouin asks why leadership hopeful Chris Huhne felt it was his place to report the Gord to the coppers over the dodgy loans affair. Whilst most of us have already answered that one (in an assessment that may or may not contain the words "sanctimonious" and… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 7:43 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Rocking (ahem) the boat

BONG! Hopi Sen analyses the balanced media coverage of the Northern Rock saga. BONG! All together now: Labour's in the money! It's in the money! It's got a lot of what it takes to get in trouble with the Electoral Commission!… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 5:47 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

When shall we three meet again?

The Sundays are a bit of a mixed bag this morning. Obviously Diskgate continues to get commentary but seeing as everyone's getting a bit fed up with "Killer Disks Still At Large: No Change Here Folks" style headlines, perhaps it would be more interesting to look at the effect the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Nov 2007 11:04 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Martin Bright: "we all dooooomed!"

Martin B

Westmonster: “Tony Blair”