Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Lib Dem leader in racist outburst mayhem

Sticking to your guns can often be a good thing. It shows commitment, courage, stamina and integrity. If, however, people are calling for your resignation after you used a hugely offensive racial slur at a public meeting, it's probably for the best to admit your stupidity and graciously accept… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 12:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Lib Dem transport plan: 8p a kilometre, please

If you pay attention to the doomsayers - and in this miserable world of ours, doomsayers are often the ones you should be paying attention to - you'll know that the transport system in Britain is destined to collapse, and that those childhood dreams of cruising around on hoverboards… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Jun 2008 11:35 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

E-mail plan calls for more Orwellian clichés...

Ah, another day, another Orwellian analogy to be made. This time it comes after the BBC reveals that the government is considering plans to maintain a national database of every phone call and e-mail sent in the UK. Big Brother is watching you? See you in room 101? How'd you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 10:11 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Shaken not Stirred

Intrepid Nick Clegg avoids Taliban rockets...

Famous philanderer and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has found a sure-fire way to get more hot sex: almost being shot by the Taliban. In an incident that will surely provide the Handsome One with enough ammunition to charm even the most chaste of ladies into his liberal bed,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 10:11 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Embryo Bill gets the majority vote...

MPs have voted to allow controversial plans to update human embryology laws. BBC. MPs say that national school tests should be made fewer in order to provide children with a rounded education. ePolitix. The BBC has been criticised for wasting millions each year on props, catering and costumes. The Guardian.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bojo to unveil booze ban...

Boris Johnson is to unveil a ban of alcohol on public transportation. Channel 4. It was revealed that a third of British employees have turned up to work with a hangover. BBC. Ed Balls is seeking to help dyslexic pupils by providing them with one-to-one lessons. The Guardian. The Lib… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 7:46 AM. Permalink

Ministry for A Thousand Words

Brown's picture to be placed in dictionary...

There are rumours that the Oxford English Dictionary is to consider placing a picture of Gordon Brown next to the word 'delusional'. An Oxford University Press press release stated that: "In our ever expanding age of multimedia consumerism, MTV, Youtube, and Google Images, it is only to be expected that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:07 PM. Permalink

VOX-POPPED!

Tory poll lead evokes ghastly Thatcher spirit

Everywhere you look, it's like 1987 all over again. Why, just glance over there - it's the debut album from Guns N Roses being listened to by hot new film star Pauly Shore. Phew. And what about that Terry Waite kidnapping, eh? Bet he'll be home in no time.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Apr 2008 12:28 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

All change please

Lib Dem candidate: "I support Labour"

There are certain things you just shouldn't say. If you're an airline pilot, for instance, it's probably not for the best if you flick on the intercom and share your woe about your cataracts playing up. Likewise, if you're in the running as an electoral candidate, it could well… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 8 Apr 2008 11:27 PM. Permalink

A Long Time in Politics

Nick Clegg: the fake Lib Dem leader?

It's been a bad week for Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. He provoked sniggers, nicknames like 'Commons Casanova' and predictable outrage from the Daily Mail when he claimed in a GQ interview to have slept with around 30 women before meeting his wife (which, to be fair, sounds like… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 6 Apr 2008 7:22 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Should Nicky take on Dave?

You've got to love the Lib Dem faithful — only they could dub Dave Cameron's Europe policy "bore for Britain" and fail to see the irony. That said, James Graham makes an interesting point about the opportunity facing Nick Clegg as he heads into the latter half of his first… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 11 Feb 2008 2:30 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

El Gordo's Get Out of Jail card?

Does El Gordo have a constitutional get out of jail card, and is it called PR? They may just be kite-flying, but the Indy this morning has a speculative piece saying that Jack Straw's Ministry of Justice will this week set out options for replacing Westminster's first-past-the-post system. No other… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Jan 2008 9:36 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

Little Nicky whiffs at PMQs

All eyes were on today's PMQs to see how Cleggers would perform in his first session as LibDem leader, and by Westmonster's reckoning, Nicky accomplished the admirable feat of making Ming Campbell seem exciting by comparison. Perhaps we were distracted because he followed the PM and Cameron having spittle-laced exchanges… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 9 Jan 2008 2:50 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Chucky's back!

When Cleggers sorts out a shadow cabinet, he doesn't mess about. Everyone's favourite ex-LibDem leader is right in the mix, as President of the European Movement. Westmonster has no idea what the "European Movement" is, but suspects it might have to do with wine. Because anti-prostitution laws have been such… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 21 Dec 2007 9:23 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Cleggers Prays Not

Is it us, or does Christmas come earlier every year? News has fallen off a cliff in the last 48 hours since the terrific excitement of Cleggers' election. And yes, we are including the announcement of the Cleggers "front bench team" (actually front-bench-and-a-bit-off-to-the-side team). BONG! He might not believe in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Dec 2007 5:20 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Welching on Clegg

Intriguing stuff over at politicalbetting.com, where Mike Smithson is calling out one of his commenters over welching on a bet. The commenter, called The Observer (maybe he's a Silver Surfer fan but The Watcher was already taken), claims to be a "senior member" of the LibDems and offered a bet… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Dec 2007 9:27 AM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

CleggHuhneMan beats HuhneCleggMan

It wasn't just us who were confused by the apparent similarities between the two LibDem leadership candidates: the LibDems themselves could barely make up their mind. The Cultural Stereotyping Dept. has been warned but, really: LibDems who can't make up their minds? What next? Labour and dodgy property deals? Racist… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Dec 2007 2:40 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Vince Cable, it's over so soon

Today's the day the LibDems announce their leader! Acting leader Vince Cable (of "I'm off to watch Strictly Come Dancing" fame) will be making the announcement this afternoon. "Cameron-lite" (shudder) Clegg is slightly ahead, according to polls and bookies, and he's already got some reshuffling plans. This article in particular… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 7:59 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Mail: Lady voters heart Davy

"Women voters have ended their ten-year love affair with Labour and are switching to the Tories." The Daily Mail, as ever, has the inside track on what's going through the ladies' minds. Apparently, it's this: "What does approval rating mean?" Because the article explains it. Also, children think Cammers is… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

The issues that matter

World drying up..... politicians don't care..... British sovereignty being signed away..... police threatening strike action..... the world's identity thieves just waiting to pounce on 25 million poor benefit claimants.... Nadine Dorries..... There's certainly a bulging pre-Christmas basket of woe for any self-respecting third party seeking a narrative to delve into.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Dec 2007 3:00 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Fleet-of-foot Vince

Vince Cable is really enjoying his hour in the sun, apparently skipping a LibDem federal executive meeting to attend the filming of the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. Apparently he told Simon Hughes, the chair of the Executive, that the LibDem cause would be better served by his face appearing… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Dec 2007 11:16 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Thursday sing-along

The Government plan to claw-back funds from state schools has been shelved after bad publicity consultation with key stakeholders. Remember folks, even if 100 schools had said they thought the policy was a good one, the Gord would still not have gone ahead with it. Lorely Burt is the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 8:49 AM. Permalink

Ministry for the Double-Plus-Ungood

Gord on Ming, translated

Gordon Brown: "Sir Menzies is a man of great stature and integrity who has served his party and country with distinction."Translation: "Thank F*CK for that! Hopefully they'll choose wee Nicky Clegg. He's identical in almost every respect to the Boy David who'll eat into the latter's poll lead. Muhahahahaha!"… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 7:05 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Did you wield the dagger?

And we're over to Cowley Street where Simon Hughes is speaking in sepia tones for some reason. Campbell's resigned and Deputy Leader Vince Cable (the only person in the Liberal Democrats who is older than Ming) is taking over until a successor can be found. The assembled hacks spent the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 6:38 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Hearsay

Source: Ming is toast

Westmonster just heard a whisper in the corridors that Sir Ming's resignation will be forthcoming this evening. Stay tuned. UPDATE: Now confirmed by the BBC. We beat them by about 30 seconds, but who's counting.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 6:09 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

LibDems: the phoney war begins

After yesterday's excitement with Gord going all "grrrrr! Smash!" on Cameron's ass and the consequent Bear Metaphor Massacre in the broadsheets, it looks like the ladies and gentlemen of the fourth estate have feasted well and are now looking for dessert elsewhere. Whilst Ming Campbell might not look like a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 3:05 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Bearing Up Well

Westmonster thinks that it is fair to say that the lobby were unimpressed with Gord's performance at PMQs yesterday, with bears (baiting thereof) being the metaphor of choice. The Times has Brown as a grizzly, the Independent chooses a brown bear, Simon Hoggart in the Guardian merely goes for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 8:05 AM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Power to the staffers!

The newshounds at Auntie are hot on the story of the new ruling that dictates that House of Commons staffers have to genuflect before Members of Parliament as they push past us in the queue. Apparently, our champions in this matter are the Liberal Democrats' resident Cheeky Boy Lembit Opik… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 11:19 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Why he should go for it

It knackers Lord Ashcroft's key seats strategy: The Tories have spent the last couple of years stuffing crisp tenners into the G-strings of their candidates in the chosen marginals, but as soon as the election is called legislation governing spending kicks in, ending these shenanigans. The longer Gord leaves it,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 6:10 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

Ming: the post-mortem

Of his speech, people. Jeez. The polls recently - not to mention the enthusiastic presence of certain pretenders to the throne - can't have given Campbell much to smile about, although Lord knows he was trying his darndest to crack his face into the required rictus yesterday.His pitch to retain… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Sep 2007 4:47 PM. Permalink

LIVE: Ming's Conference speech

11.57: Like every blushing virgin, Ming seems to want to make a statement by arriving at the church 15 minutes late, so viewers at home are currently being treated to a muzaked version of "Moving on Up" by the Beeb, whilst the Libs rattle their fundraising tins around the audience.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Sep 2007 11:56 AM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Liberal Democrat Party”