Ministry for Taste and Decency

Gordon Brown isn't a sunbeam...

Gordon Brown is still at risk of bankruptcy, according to recent reports, due to the £7.45m in unpaid debts that the Labour Party still has to contend with. Today marks the day that the debts are to either be reviewed or repaid, with added pressure coming in the form of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 Jul 2008 4:10 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Structure and Discipline

More boot camps for bums...

Chris Grayling, the Conservative Party's welfare spokesman, will tomorrow announce the new policies on employment benefits that the party plans to install should it win the next general election. And, as essentially a rehashing of the goals behind the Labour Party's ideas to encourage school kids to join the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 2:11 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

The lights are on but no one's home...

Despite earlier reports that he might be going somewhere, Gordon Brown has managed to instill a sense of fear and confusion into the minds of the masses by revealing that he is planning something called a 'two-year fight back campaign'. The long and short of it will be that he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:18 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fisticuffs

Brown shrugs off Blair's 'loser' comments

In a move that is many ways analogous to his nonchalant leadership skills, Gordon Brown this morning 'shrugged off' the spiteful playground claims that Tony Blair had once called him a 'liar and a loser'. Speaking at a press conference, the PM vehemently stated that he "wasn't bothered what that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 3:36 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Brown gave a conference, nobody came

Is indifference a good thing or a bad thing for Gordon Brown at this stage of the electoral cycle? We ask because two media strongholds which could be expected to be interested in the fact that the governing party held a conference over the weekend - the lefty Guardian, and… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Mar 2008 8:24 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Schengen, Shaun and shenanigans

BONG! From today, you can drive from Lisbon to Tallinn without a passport. Which is extraordinary, given that 60 years ago you'd have needed a tank and a dose of megalomania. We're still reeling from the fact there's now a Polish food aisle in Dog Kennel Hill Sainsbury's. Given they… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Dec 2007 4:52 PM. Permalink

Ministry for telling us it's all okay

Broon: "Everything's fine!"

The economy's fine, everything's fine, nothing to worry about! All current problems will be "forgotten quickly"! If you say so, leader. PS: Even he doesn't want the PM to give out peerages anymore! Thanks to The Chap for the superb pic.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 20 Dec 2007 9:09 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Paying Saatchi & Saatchi

Publish anything! Except this!

Isn't "Inquiry into Propriety and Peerages" a much nicer name than "cash-for-honours"? Well done the Indy. Also, isn't Lord Levy a scoundrel? He's been trying to stop the publication of a major piece of evidence in the old "here's my donation and here's your title" scandal (Westmonster tries, and fails,… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 10:37 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Assigning Blame

Can't touch this

"It was just resting in my account!" The Government goes a bit Father Ted with David Abrahams' money. All £663,975 of it. It's totally going to be paid back. Eventually.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 14 Dec 2007 8:47 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Inducing Daily Mail Apoplexy

Liberty and liberal conspiracies

Westmonster is loving the new front page of the Labour Party website: the Gord has sighted the new Jerusalem and he's going to lead us to its green and pleasant lands. Maybe he will be assisted in this endeavour by a rather interesting new website called Liberal Conspiracy which seems… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 12:15 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Oh, Mr Cameron!

News for the ladies: Westmonster hears that Davy Cameron was very masterful when he met with King Abdullah yesterday over the issue of Saudi-funded hate literature in British mosques. Be still our heaving bosoms, eh? The Gord, on the other hand, spent his time with His Maj WUSSING OUT of talking about… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 7:55 AM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

Dave to Scotland: ‘Drop dead.’

The main story seems to be the Observer's front page which outlines the Conservative and Unionist Party's plans to strip Scottish politicians of the right to vote on English laws. Guess what folks? The Gord is, like, Scottish! OMG! This devilishly cunning and subtle plan is being spearheaded by Sir Malcolm Rifkind… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 11:23 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Sexport and sleaze

BONG! Guido on Lord Hoyle's dodgy little earner. All together now: Labour sleaze! Sotto voce: and the Tories don't come out of it unscathed either. BONG! Stop the presses! As if the news that Paddy Ashdown (who's got to the stage that all politicians reach eventually: he's started believing his own… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 6:26 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

The end of a long day in politics

BONG! Those geniuses (genii?) at Labour HQ have discovered another way to irritate the electorate - all hail! Not only are members of the public subjected to a form of market research (called Voter ID) when they open the door to a red rosette-wearing canvasser, but now they've removed the need… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 5:25 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Margin of Error

Brown blinks first

Well, that's that then. Westmonster has duly cancelled her return ticket to Worksop. Gordon forgot the first rule of bandwagons: if you're going to start one rolling you better be damn sure that you can control the bugger if it looks like it's going to run away with itself.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 5:15 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Mercer moves outside the big tent and takes aim

Well done to Iain Dale (whose eyes, unlike Westmonster's, are presumably not impeded by a roaring hangover) who notices that quasi-defector Patrick Mercer has left the Big Tent. Mercer, who Brown had appointed his Advisor on the Third Pillar Box From the Left on Kings' Street or somesuch bollocks, had previously… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 1:37 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Exclusive: Cameron is Rasputin's love child

This time last week a YouGov poll for the Telegraph had the comrades maintaining their 11 point lead over the shiny faced boy wonder (pictured here with a cute puppy. Awwww!), whilst the Times Populus poll had him slipping five percentage points in the aftermath of the Gord's address to Conference. He… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 11:30 AM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Why he should go for it

It knackers Lord Ashcroft's key seats strategy: The Tories have spent the last couple of years stuffing crisp tenners into the G-strings of their candidates in the chosen marginals, but as soon as the election is called legislation governing spending kicks in, ending these shenanigans. The longer Gord leaves it,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 6:10 PM. Permalink

Live From The Carlton Club

LIVE! Cameron speaks

Westmonster provided live coverage of David Cameron's speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool. The transcript appears below. Westmonster would especially like to note that she called the Jimmy Cliff song more than 3 minutes before it came over the loudspeakers, and wasn't just reporting it had already happened.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 1:48 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

As clear as mud

The recent claims and counter claims over the fiscal advisability of the Tory's tax proposals have left Westmonster (who has trouble counting her change with any degree of accuracy) somewhat baffled. Where better, therefore, to go for lucid explanation than the Labour Party website for a simple, concise description of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 8:12 AM. Permalink

A Wee Problem

Dreams down the toilet

Gossip of a Scottish nature has just reached Westmonster's ears. Apparently a lot of Scottish grandees were distressed at the amount of time it took to appoint Wendy Alexander's opposition team when she became leader. They waited by their phones in increasing irritation and then phoned each other for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Sep 2007 1:05 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Fringe Benn-efits

A big thumbs up from everybody at Westmonster following the news that a seventeen year old schoolgirl has been selected as a PPC. According to the website: ...she already has enviable political and campaigning experience, and a profound commitment to the values and traditions of the Labour movement. Her name?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Sep 2007 12:03 PM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Party like it's 1918, baby!

"So who have you seen so far?" asked one TV newsman to another certain well-known reporter. "Only Tommy Two-Dinners and the usual array of MPs who expect to be here at this time." First day of the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth: the stalls are still being set out, there… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Sep 2007 7:25 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Shock episode of Newsnight!

News reaches Westmonster that the Fabian Society in association with Newsnight will be hosting a special debate at Labour Party Conference set to be broadcast next Tuesday on...have a guess...go on...yup: Iraq. Quelle surprise. The troops may be pulling out, but the Beeb offensive goes on.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Sep 2007 2:09 PM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Labour party”