Poll

Lunchtime Poll: E-mail Database

A massive four people took part in the Westmonster lunchtime poll yesterday - more than the number of votes received by Labour in the last by-election, and quadruple the number of partners enjoyed by sexpot Anne Widdecombe. We rock! If you've forgotten (or just don't care), we asked you whether… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jul 2008 12:16 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to start a riot...

The death rate after major surgery within NHS hospitals is three times as high as it should be. The Telegraph. David Davis won his by-election with a huge majority of 15,355 - maybe it would have been easier if he'd just moved office or something. BBC. Nick Clegg has been… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Jul 2008 8:41 AM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Tennis with Tony? That'll be ten grand, please

Tennis - officially the best sport in which overpaid public schoolboys yell 'aarrgh' all the time as though they're undergoing gastric surgery rather than just hitting a ball with a racket - has always been bereft of political presence. Until now. That's right: ex-PM Tony Blair has decided to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 9 Jul 2008 1:49 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to go tombstoning...

David Cameron has pointed out that modern British values are 'twisted'. The Guardian. Most Labour voters apparently consider Gordon Brown to be a loser. The Times. After the proposed ban, the U.S. government has decided to invest in 'safer' cluster bombs. Channel 4. The government has published a new report… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 Jul 2008 8:14 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

Anglers OK in Cameron's eyes...

David Cameron has declared that he'd like to toughen up the UK's laws on knife crime. During an interview for the Sun, the Conservative leader stated that he believes anybody who is caught carrying a knife without lawful reason should automatically be jailed. Labour are also reported to be calling… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 Jul 2008 3:12 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to start smoking again...

Hospital staff have had to start wearing stab-proof vests in order to stand a chance of surviving the knife-riddled English night. The Guardian. Labour suffered another bout of confusion over the weekend, this time due to the Scottish by-election. ePolitix. Young people seem to becoming more Conservative in than they… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 Jul 2008 10:45 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to jack it all in...

The Tories have accused Gordon Brown of bribing his Labour minions in order to get the results that he wanted on 42 days. The Guardian. G8 countries have been accused of being too slow in the race against climate change. WWF. Oil prices have reached yet another new high, this… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jul 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons we might not be...

Nelson Mandela has been removed from the US list of terror suspects. The Telegraph. Strikes by truck drivers in India suggest that we're not alone in this crazy, messed-up world. BBC. The European Commission has announced plans for cross-border healthcare system that would allow UK residents to seek treatment overseas.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jul 2008 10:43 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Mindfucks

Polling station location may influence choices...

Scientists have suggested that the physical location of polling stations could have an adverse effect on the ways in which people vote in elections. So strong is the belief in the idea that calls for further research into the phenomenon have been requested to ensure that any unnecessary bias will… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 Jul 2008 1:50 PM. Permalink

Department for Donors

Labour all set to go bust?

We've all got debts coming out of our ears - be they student loans, gas bills that you've sellotaped to the fridge for three months and ignored completely, or the owners of several local bars hunting you down and informing you that the tab you've been keeping for the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Jun 2008 12:00 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The future's not orange...

The orange abomination that is fake tan has been banned from Royal Ascot. BBC. It was discovered that an average of eight new laws come into effect each day in the UK. The Times. David Cameron has questioned Gordon Brown about the command structure in Afghanistan after the deaths of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 8:34 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

Labour definitely not running against Davis...

Labour today confirmed that they won't be running against cheeky David Davis in the by-election forced by his resignation last week, despite his calling Gordon Brown 'gutless' for not even thinking about competing. The announcements were made after Davis formally resigned as the Conservative's shadow home secretary, in a move… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 4:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

Embarrassing jackets to fight crime...

In our age of product personalisation, social network self-promotion , and extreme fashion fastidiousness, it seems that the brainiacs in charge of the Labour Party's crime fighting division have finally managed to attune themselves with the collective conciousness of the UK's young offenders. Announced this morning, the Government's new plans… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 4:45 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Conservative lead increases...

The Conservative Party has increased its lead over Labour, a new poll reveals. ePolitix. A survey has revealed that Scots are twice as likely to commit either homicide or suicide than people from anywhere else in the UK. The Guardian. Truck drivers will today meet with Shell after 647 petrol… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: Labour's latest poll disaster

Ignore what Forrest Gump said about life being 'like a box of chocolates.' Life is more like your local independent grocery store: it's overshadowed by market influences and nearer to closure with every passing day. A depressing thought, sure, but we're just helping the Labour-voting readers out there to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 10 Jun 2008 12:25 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Nasal Sensationalism

Labour attempts to make best friend of Obama...

Despite their harbouring of secret wishes that their good friend Hillary could have been the one to cinch the US Democratic nomination, it appears that most high-profile Labour politicians, including Gordon Brown, have decided to take the plunge and prepare their noses for the long and arduous journey into the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 11:29 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Reverence

Archbishop of York doesn't like consumerism...

In the good old days it used to stand that politics and religion stood hand in hand like the sort of buck-toothed and incestuous lovers that you might expect to find rubbing each other out in the backwaters of Henley or somewhere. Few would be surprised to witness a member… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 9:25 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Cheapshots

Covert council tax rattles cages...

Council Tax. There is nothing quite as vile, feudal or primitive in the whole world. It has all the charm of a malignant brain tumour or a boot in the crotch and, unfortunately for us, it is a disease in which the symptoms are only concentrated around a select area… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jun 2008 1:21 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Waiting

Knock, knock, knocking on Labour's door...

David Blunkett has joined the bevy of myopic Labour politicians convinced that the party will rise like some sort of sloppy phoenix from the ashes of Gordon Brown's maladroit leadership skills. Speaking on a Radio 5 interview, he said that even though they had reached 'rock bottom', Labour still stands… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 10:53 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Labour Party worried about lack of Scots...

Labour are starting to panic about the dearth of Scottish ministers in their party. ePolitix. Gordon Brown is still convinced that 42 is the magic number when it comes to all things terrorist detention. BBC. One of David Cameron's key campaign advisers has decided to emigrate to California. ePolitix. Australian… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jun 2008 7:51 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Shock Finances

Passionate Gordon may become insolvent...

We're sure that many amongst you have looked upon photographs of Gordon Brown with an incontrollable and salacious zest, and, to be honest, we can't say that we blame you. Quite simply, there's something about the man that could stoke the fires of even Anne anne Widdecombe's hoary loins. But… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 9:05 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Insensitivity

Top 10 politicians in need of a beating...

Whilst Westmonster doesn't espouse the use of violence to achieve its goals, we can't help but think that the recent incident involving the beating of Labour MP Anne Moffat will make her think more carefully regarding the way that she votes on, or deals with, issues of crime in the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 3:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Breakdowns

Gordon Brown: 120 days and counting

What with Westmonster - and pretty much the rest of the politically aware world - thinking of heading down to the bookies and placing a serious bet on Gordon Brown not lasting the summer as PM, there's been very little to persuade us doing otherwise. The Sunday Mirror has… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 12:45 AM. Permalink

All change please

Another disaster looming for Labour?

After the electoral apocalypse at Crewe, it seems that the Labour government are on a mission to systematically alienate as many voters as possible - not so much burning their bridges as napalming the tarmac and ripping down the toll booths. The speculation that Gordon Brown is going to be… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 May 2008 6:27 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No surprises for Cameron and his crew...

The news that the Tories have beaten Labour in the Crewe by-election with a 7,860 majority is about as surprising as a shit after a curry. BBC. The Guardian. The Times. It has been stated that Gordon Brown could face more leadership challenges. ePolitix. David Cameron has plans to strengthen… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Social Contribution

Tories win on donations...

Riveting revelations made this afternoon show that the Conservative Party has received over 50% of all UK political donations made so far this year. Of the total £8m, donated between January and March of this year, £4.2m went to the Conservatives, just under £3m to Labour, and a poxy £470,000… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 2:20 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Crewe by-election gets classy...

The Crewe by-election has all the hallmarks of a class war as Labour take the 'toff' approach. The Times. The UK is seeking exemption from a proposed cluster bomb ban. BBC. David Miliband has denied rumours that he is to quit for a position with the EU. ePolitix. The government… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 7:42 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Gordon Brown gets more bad news

Just like you wolfing through a big tube of Pringles or enduring a marathon thumb-twiddling session on Grand Theft Auto 4, it seems that fate has found a new hobby with which to amuse itself. The morish habit in question? Delivering body blows to PM Gordon Brown. Just how… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 May 2008 12:07 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Still hope for Labour...

It has been said that Labour 'can still win the next election'. The Guardian. The NHS has claimed that the public are in favour of the government's proposed 'polyclinic' scheme. The Guardian. New rules regarding the number of skilled migrants allowed to work in the UK are to be announced… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 7:47 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Last Chance Saloons

Jack Straw maintains delusions of victory

Commentators have been calling it the 'May Day Massacre', and it isn't hard to see why: nationwide elections have officially thrust a stake into the heart of the New Labour dream. Like a child burying a deceased pet gerbil, it's time to close the lid of the shoebox, assemble… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 May 2008 8:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

David Cameron is pleased with himself...

This time last week Westmonster claimed that the times were a-changin' and it appears that we're not the only ones who think so: After the mauling that his party inflicted on Labour yesterday David Cameron has stated in his usual buttery tones that the results stand as a 'big moment'… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:53 PM. Permalink

Ministry for A Thousand Words

Brown's picture to be placed in dictionary...

There are rumours that the Oxford English Dictionary is to consider placing a picture of Gordon Brown next to the word 'delusional'. An Oxford University Press press release stated that: "In our ever expanding age of multimedia consumerism, MTV, Youtube, and Google Images, it is only to be expected that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:07 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Labour hammered in local elections..

Research suggests that Labour were 'hammered' in the local elections, slipping to third place beneath both the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats. BBC. The Telegraph. The results for the London Mayoral Election will be revealed today. BBC. The Guardian. Tony Blair has made his first appearance on Time Magazine's list of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 7:29 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Complimentary Beverages

Gordon Brown votes in elections..

All reports show that Gordon Brown rose bright and early this morning in order to cast his votes for the both the local and mayoral elections. We're assuming that he ticked the boxes marked 'Labour', but there's always a chance that he confused himself again and scribbled his X next… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 May 2008 12:53 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Shots In The Foot

Labour: now annoying men in Wigan

You don't need Westmonster to tell you that today is a pretty darn pivotal one for the Labour government. Therefore you'd assume that the last thing they would want to do is go around offending people. Well ... offending them more than they have with an incompetent PM, a… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 1 May 2008 1:23 AM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Now Labour MPs attack 'super-surgeries'

You wouldn't exactly call the Labour government a shining beacon of harmonious unity, yet fresh comments from York MP Hugh Bayley must nevertheless come as a surprise to the higher echelons of the party - not to mention their no-doubt overworked public relations team. Labour has recently announced plans… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 Apr 2008 10:29 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bye Bye Brown..

Latest polls forecast big losses for Labour of up for 200 council seats in England and Wales. The Guardian. A family who dialled 999 after axe brandishing masked raiders entered their house were told by police that they were 'too busy' to come and help. The Times. Interest rates in… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 Apr 2008 7:42 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Numbers: the times they are a-changin'

It's been a busy day for political numbers: Over at The Guardian they have a report on the latest opinion poll statistics concerning the London Mayoral Election. Surprisingly for some, perhaps most of all Ken Livingstone, they show that London's favourite anarchist has managed to overtake Boris Johnson and creep… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Apr 2008 6:25 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

VOX-POPPED!

Tory poll lead evokes ghastly Thatcher spirit

Everywhere you look, it's like 1987 all over again. Why, just glance over there - it's the debut album from Guns N Roses being listened to by hot new film star Pauly Shore. Phew. And what about that Terry Waite kidnapping, eh? Bet he'll be home in no time.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Apr 2008 12:28 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Backbench Bitching

Stop Labour infighting, yells David Miliband

Everyone remembers the diplomatic kid at school. You know - the one who used to intervene whenever there was a playground fight, saying something like 'let's just all get along with each other', at which point all the other kids stopped scrapping with each other and turned on him… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 20 Apr 2008 10:06 PM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Labour”