Ministry for Insobriety

Alcohol may be banned nationally...

Here at Westmonster we like alcohol. We can think of few things better than the languid conversation that it inspires, or the afternoons that we've wasted in beer gardens amongst the beer redolent spillage of our more inebriated friends and their cigarette smoke. And what about that special rummy brand… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 May 2008 5:22 PM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Conservatives 26 points in front...

The latest Yougov poll claims that the Conservatives now have a 26 point lead. UK Polling Report. The government is set to help home owners as repossessions are set to rise. BBC. Channel 4. There are plans to start a national database of 'bad employees' which can be accessed nationally… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 May 2008 7:44 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

The pen is mightier than the truncheon...

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, will announce plans today that give police the power to openly harass antisocial youth by hounding them at their homes, following them about, and also arbitrarily filming them in the streets. It certainly sounds a little bit drastic, but is part of the government's plans… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 May 2008 10:02 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Munchies

New cannabis law to 'make no difference'

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has your safety in mind, you know. And that's why she has spearheaded a bold move against the greatest social evil facing Britain today - the legions of people rolling a bit of plant residue into a cigarette, smoking it and giggling to themselves all… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 8 May 2008 2:54 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown ignored again...

The Halifax Building Society has ignored pleas from the PM and increased its rates. The Guardian. Gordon Brown is getting ready for America where he intends to give those pesky Wall Street bankers what for. BBC. An official website with details of the visit has been set-up at usvisit.pm.gov.uk. Home… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Apr 2008 6:45 AM. Permalink

Questions, Answers and Avoidance

Have a chat with the Home Secretary

Ever wanted to pick the brains of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith? Better mark the 17th of April - that's next Thursday - in your diary, then. Smith will be taking part in a live webchat through the Downing Street site, and she - probably - wants each and every… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 11 Apr 2008 6:43 PM. Permalink

Department of Doublespeak

Government 'In Touch', Says Government Itself

There are few things worse than being considered 'out of touch' - other than rampant infighting and disagreement within your own party, that is. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is all too aware of this. She was hauled in early Sunday morning to appear on Andrew Marr's weekly BBC politics show,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 30 Mar 2008 9:38 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

Show us your papers!

We're not going to fisk the entire Home Office ID cards statement (go to No2ID, they'll do a better job that us). But there is some weird stuff in official news statement. Take the first para: The delivery of the national identity scheme gathered momentum today as plans were laid… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Mar 2008 1:03 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

Wot's an ID card

Wot's an ID card? Later today, we'll find out, but Auntie has some hints: The cards will be compulsory for foreign nationals and those working airside in Britain's airports, such as baggage handlers and cabin crew. The rollout to students, is, according to BBC political reporter Norman Smith, part of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Mar 2008 8:04 AM. Permalink

Department for Silly Lists

Stop, or we'll shout

There's a Robin Williams skit about our unarmed police where he mimics a British policeman chasing an offender, shouting: "Stop! Or I'll shout stop again!". We were reminded of this by Jacqui Smith's new proposals to crackdown on underage drinking: The measures include: a major new national crackdown by police… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Feb 2008 12:34 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

No cribbing, Mr Cameron

Call us cynical (actually, call us love gods, but cynical love gods), but isn't it a little odd that Cammers gives an interview to the Sun this morning recommending more stop-and-search powers, on the day that Jacqui Smith is likely to do the same, and a day after Ronnie Flanagan… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Jan 2008 10:48 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

A Hain in Gord's arse

The story that won't go away continues to embarrass the government, as Cameron warns Peter Hain he has some 'splaining to do. El Gordo offers his full support to Hain, except, well, not. But wait! Boy George has some 'splaining to do too. Westmonster is flummoxed — who knew… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 14 Jan 2008 9:20 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Hey El Gordo, where ya been?

Guess who's crawled out from under the (Northern?) rock. Why, it's the Prime Minister! Yesterday he stopped in with Andrew. Today he's got an extended interview in The Guardian. Tomorrow, Westmonster expects to see him in New Hampshire moderating a debate. And what's Gordon on about in his new… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 7 Jan 2008 7:03 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Immigration for grown-ups

The Government doesn't know. The Daily Mail doesn't know. The Local Government Association doesn't know. Even London's taxi drivers don't know. So what exactly is going on with immigration in Britain? Well, the Barrow Cadbury Trust have had a stab at investigating. The report contains the memorable phrase "Britain's diversity… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Dec 2007 11:39 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Vince Cable, it's over so soon

Today's the day the LibDems announce their leader! Acting leader Vince Cable (of "I'm off to watch Strictly Come Dancing" fame) will be making the announcement this afternoon. "Cameron-lite" (shudder) Clegg is slightly ahead, according to polls and bookies, and he's already got some reshuffling plans. This article in particular… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 7:59 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

No-one knows what goes on....

BONG! No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, as Charlie Rich sang. Except we do, don't we? Gordon Brown signed a "historic" European treaty behind closed doors today, didn't he? BONG! Yvette Cooper's sick of him indoors getting all the attention. So she's come out with her own social… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Dec 2007 5:15 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

Home affairs, they say no

OK, this is getting rather tedious and predictable. People are queuing up to say they don't want an extension to detention-without-charge. Lords Goldsmith and Falconer, the Director of Public Prosecutions, the Tories, the LibDems, the Labour backbenchers, Amanda Holden (probably). Now, another nail in the coffin, this time from the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Dec 2007 4:29 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Not Holding One's Breath

The police no-con Smith

So the Police Federation had a ballot to change the law. When they got together, talk naturally turned to Jacqui Smith and her penny-pinching ways. As the federation chairman put it: She should not underestimate the sense of betrayal and the sense of disgust that our colleagues have. This isn't… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 13 Dec 2007 9:25 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

You've been trumped!

When your name's Donald Trump, Scotland bows down to you. Still, political furore may well ensue. Ooh, the grilling of Broon commences. Click here for the Guardian's live updates! Lord Falconer: No on 42! Is no one on Jacqui Smith's side? Labour vs Conservative: How can we make the lives… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 13 Dec 2007 8:52 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Unhappy cops, detention flops

The sound coming from our brave police force? It's an unhappy one. Their "trust, morale and goodwill" are all going downhill. The strike ballot's happening today. Labour ministers think Jacqui Smith's a right meanie. There's also the possibility that local council leaders could gain the power to sack police commanders.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 12 Dec 2007 9:32 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Balls Up, Smith Down

BONG! Ed Balls releases his Children's Plan: foreign languages! adventure playgrounds! personal tutors! And some stuff about how video games are bad for you (boo!). BONG! Gordon IS going to Lisbon, but only for the private-sardine-dinner-and-EU-Treaty-signing-without-cameras. BONG! The public don't want it, the Commons don't want it, the terrorists don't… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Dec 2007 5:53 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Smith to defend the number 42

Jacqui Smith is appearing before the Home Affairs Select Committee today, and it looks like she has two über-fun topics to chat about:So, why 42? It's something Westmonster and many others have wondered, not least the copyright holders of The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy, as well as the chief… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 11 Dec 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

The spirit of Douglas Adams enters the Big Tent

Jacqui Smith has announced that the pre-charge detention period for terrorism suspects is to be raised to 78, no, 56 ... er, doesn't sound quite right, no wait - 42 days. Definitely 42 is the number the Home Office is going for. Sound. Fraser Nelson asks the question: why the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Dec 2007 1:06 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

The Great Norkage Divide

There's an interesting discussion going on chez Finkelstein over whether Theresa May and Jacqui Smith are displaying too much cleavage in the Chamber. Westmonster feels that the sentiments behind this "debate" are best summed up by the commentator known as Jan: I don't agree with Daniel Finkelstein.Cleavage of any sort… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Dec 2007 2:20 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Finger Pointing

Backlash!

Shocking news from ConservativeHome that Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is ... a law-breaker! Why? Because her Department when she was Minister for Women appointed someone who turned out to be in possession of lady-bits rather than the required testicles. For shame. We demand an independent inquiry! In his article, Rob… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 2:03 PM. Permalink

Department for Silly Lists

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron?

We've had quick squiz over what is loosely referred to here at Westmonster as our "reporting" over the past week, and have been shocked at the high volume of Government-in-the-brown-stuff style stories. Lest it be doubted - we believe that this administration is just the sort of very-British crack-squad that this country needs to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 4:57 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

In which bollocks were - comprehensively - dropped

Is being leader of the Opposition easy, we were asking last night in the pub? Yeah, we all know that being an MP is bloody hard work if you do it properly, and the higher you get, the more demands there are on you. So how has Davy Cameron made… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Nov 2007 10:02 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE!: PMQs, 14/11/07

The first PMQs of the 2007/08 session saw the Gord do what he does best: dig in his heels and refuse to budge. Oh, Davy danced around, aiming punches over when he knew about the Jacqui Smith Immigrant Shame, but he resolutely refused to answer. We were also treated to the sight… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 11:41 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Trouble up t'Home Office

Poor Jacqui Smith's getting a bit of a drubbing in the papers this morning over the latest immigration scandal to hit the Home Office. The Telegraph takes her to task for failing to station pitchfork-wielding mobs on the white cliffs of Dover, the Independent takes a broad look at… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 8:15 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Blood and birds

BONG! Home Secretary Jacqui Smith appears to have done a Houdini with her statement to the House regarding the latest immigration scandal the Tories are getting Outraged and Saddened about. Daniel Finkelstein notes that the scale of the Gord's knowledge on this one might yet become an issue. BONG! If… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 5:50 PM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Here we go again!

The mystery of the missing immigrants is inadvertently solved by the Home Office. Jacqui Smith's billed to appear before the House at 3.30pm today to make a statement.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 10:53 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Kings Dangling and Lords A-Leaping

The Spectator on how Lord Malloch-Brown is spending taxpayers' money on those chunky chocolate chip cookies that are about two quid for five, rather than the Tesco's own-brand rich tea. For shame! The Times reports a double-whammy perpetrated on Jacqui Smith yesterday: mauled by Basher Davis in the Justice… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 8:45 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

This Turbulent Policeman

BONG! The Tories have written to Jacqui Smith demanding she yield unto them the head of Ian Blair. Preferably on a spike. BONG! The day after the Election that Wasn't, Political Betting ponders if the situation might have gone the other way for Davy had the Observer published their poll… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 5:44 PM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Commons Chamber: it nearly got exciting

The Parliamentary week begins with Home Office questions. According to a highly representative poll carried out by Westmonster (sample size: one), Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is a laydee of many charms, not least of which is the ability to stand up in the Chamber and administer a strong performance without… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 2:46 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Et tu, George?

BONG! Was it only a matter of time before young Jedi George Osbourne got the jitters about the Cameroon agenda and made moves towards the dark side of the Force? Fraser Nelson's Spectator article tomorrow will be well worth a read. In the meantime there's more on the Ben Brogan… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Sep 2007 6:40 PM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Jacqui Smith”