Ministry for Political Statements

Gordon Brown may not be cast in wax...

Madame Tussaud's has entered the political arena by allowing members of the public to vote on whether or not they should make one of their famous wax statues of 'PM' Gordon Brown. To be honest, we'd forgotten that anybody actually gave a flying crap about waxwork these days (the whole… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 May 2008 10:38 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Scripted One Liners

Punch and Judy round 2

Gordon Brown and David Cameron impugned each other's integrity during a heated debated at Prime Minister's Question time this afternoon. Mr Cameron accused Mr Brown of being more concerned with his celebrity buddies than his political responsibilities, stating that the Prime Minister did nothing all day but sit around 10… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 4:26 PM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Gordon Brown gets more bad news

Just like you wolfing through a big tube of Pringles or enduring a marathon thumb-twiddling session on Grand Theft Auto 4, it seems that fate has found a new hobby with which to amuse itself. The morish habit in question? Delivering body blows to PM Gordon Brown. Just how… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 May 2008 12:07 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Structure and Discipline

Bojo begins with boot camp

In one of his first move as the new Mayor of London, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (Bojo to you) has avowed to tackle that irritating trend among the youth of London to kill one another. His methods for doing so combine a virile cocktail of volunteer-run youth clubs, old… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 9:47 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Gordon Brown feels your pain...

Gordon Brown feels your pain. The Guardian. New York's mayor, Michael Bloomberg, is to visit Boris Johnson on Friday to give him some mayoral advice. The Guardian. Tony Blair has paid £4m for the former home of the actor Sir John Gielgud. The Guardian. The government has plans to open… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 May 2008 7:55 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for A Thousand Words

Brown's picture to be placed in dictionary...

There are rumours that the Oxford English Dictionary is to consider placing a picture of Gordon Brown next to the word 'delusional'. An Oxford University Press press release stated that: "In our ever expanding age of multimedia consumerism, MTV, Youtube, and Google Images, it is only to be expected that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:07 PM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Complimentary Beverages

Gordon Brown votes in elections..

All reports show that Gordon Brown rose bright and early this morning in order to cast his votes for the both the local and mayoral elections. We're assuming that he ticked the boxes marked 'Labour', but there's always a chance that he confused himself again and scribbled his X next… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 May 2008 12:53 PM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Gordon Brown 'lacking confidence' and 'neurotic'

If there's one thing that Gordon Brown must hate right now - other than the grinning spectre of Tony Blair swirling around his bed, laughing like a nightmarish Dickensian omen - it's polls and reports. Actually, that's two things. But you know what we mean. Every time a new… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 1 May 2008 1:44 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Potty Training

Brown admits that he doesn't really know what he's doing..

You've noticed that tangible air of perturbation that has been hovering like a summer rain cloud over the UK for the past few months. It got to you. On an evening you can't think straight; your head is a barrage of fervid thoughts and questions that come rocking towards you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 Apr 2008 4:23 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Phat Beats

All you other David Camerons are just imitating

David Cameron has admitted that, despite wanting to, he has been unable to avoid the 'Punch and Judy' style of debating that reigns supreme within Parliament; because a 'quieter tone' was ineffective when dealing with Gordon Brown. The admission comes as a disappointment for many Cameron followers, especially after they… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 Apr 2008 12:16 PM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fisticuffs

Brown shrugs off Blair's 'loser' comments

In a move that is many ways analogous to his nonchalant leadership skills, Gordon Brown this morning 'shrugged off' the spiteful playground claims that Tony Blair had once called him a 'liar and a loser'. Speaking at a press conference, the PM vehemently stated that he "wasn't bothered what that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 3:36 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Roundup

Brown vs. Blair vs. Levy: media roundup

So Lord Levy's autobiography A Question Of Honour - kind of like A Question Of Sport, but hopefully not as utterly soul-destroying - has begun its inevitable serialisation prior to release, and all sorts of strange tidbits are emerging from the former aide to Tony Blair. Here's a meedja… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 Apr 2008 11:43 PM. Permalink

VOX-POPPED!

Tory poll lead evokes ghastly Thatcher spirit

Everywhere you look, it's like 1987 all over again. Why, just glance over there - it's the debut album from Guns N Roses being listened to by hot new film star Pauly Shore. Phew. And what about that Terry Waite kidnapping, eh? Bet he'll be home in no time.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Apr 2008 12:28 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown asks Americans for campaign tactics..

Gordon Brown asks Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for campaign advice. The Times. About a third of classrooms in England and Wales will be closed today due to the teachers' strike. BBC. A bill which would force all peers to pay UK taxes is to be debated today. ePolitix. Chinese… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Apr 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

All change please

Tories sneer at Brown's climb-down

The Conservatives are having a field day - and probably a field fortnight, with a couple of field bank holidays slotted in - with the Prime Minister right now. Following the debacle of the 10p tax rate issue - which would hit 5 million plus low-paid workers - PM… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 24 Apr 2008 12:16 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Flag Flying

St. George's Cross to wow Downing Street..

In an unprecedented display of patriotism, Gordon Brown has revealed that the flag of St. George will be hanging outside number 10 today. It is Saint George's Day, after all. As part of the PM's new move on flag-flying practices, the St. George's flag is to be hung out every… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Apr 2008 9:37 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Darling pays off..

Banks have agreed to help lenders after yesterday's talks with Alistair Darling. The Guardian. Jacob Zuma, the leader of South Africa's governing ANC, is in town for talks with Gordon Brown. BBC. Labour's 10p tax rebels have demanded that ministers must provide up to £1bn in compensation. The Guardian. The… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Apr 2008 7:42 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown bites back..

Gordon Brown has defended himself against party rebels. The Guardian. David Miliband has praised Pakistan's 'fragile' new government. BBC. The cost of the London 2012 Olympics has risen again. The Times. E-Politix. Chinese shares have become worth only half of what they were last October. BBC.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 Apr 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Celebrity Cabinet

Prime Minister looks to Shakira for advice

If you wanted to discuss the issue of education within the Third World, who would you turn to? An academic who has spent his whole life researching the topic, maybe? Possibly a charity worker who had spent a significant amount of time working in such poverty-stricken corners of the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 21 Apr 2008 6:30 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Made Up Numbers

Gordon Brown is unofficially untalented..

Westmonster was going to try and be nice to Gordon Brown today. After the bashing he was given by the majority of the media last week, we thought it best to provide a little reprieve for the poor chap - a kind of sanctuary if you will. However, with articles… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 Apr 2008 1:30 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

UK and USA: officially still best mates

There's been a lot of talk in recent years about the 'special relationship' between the UK and America - almost as though we're dealing less with diplomatic relations and more with that annoying couple who sit next to you down the pub, intent on describing their 'hilarious' holiday together… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 18 Apr 2008 12:46 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Backbench Bitching

Ruminations on boredom and Gordon..

It appears that another disgruntled Labour politician has taken Gordon Brown's absence from the country as an opportunity to slag him off. This time, Lord Desai, an Indian-born economist, has stated that the current PM's only purpose in life is to "remind people how good Tony Blair was". If Westmonster… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 17 Apr 2008 3:48 PM. Permalink

Ministry of Useless Information

James Brown is living in America..

American immigration officers may have been more than a little confused when our plucky PM landed on American soil. And not just because they're American. No, much more excitingly than that, Westmonster has reason to believe that the name written in the PM's passport does not say 'Gordon Brown', as… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Apr 2008 2:13 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown ignored again...

The Halifax Building Society has ignored pleas from the PM and increased its rates. The Guardian. Gordon Brown is getting ready for America where he intends to give those pesky Wall Street bankers what for. BBC. An official website with details of the visit has been set-up at usvisit.pm.gov.uk. Home… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Apr 2008 6:45 AM. Permalink

Ministry for higher powers

Gordon Brown vs. The Pope

Gordon Brown has always had a reputation for being a little grumpy. Recently, though, Westmonster suspects that the black cloud hovering above his head has flourished into a full-on Perfect Storm. Nothing is going right for the man. Not only are nine out of ten political insiders claiming him… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 15 Apr 2008 10:37 PM. Permalink

Ministry of Cultural Hyperbole

Brown joins cast of Livingstone's List

Lucky Ken Livingstone has upped the stakes and added no less than hip and happening Gordon Brown to his VIP celebrity guest list. As reported on Ian Dale's Diary yesterday, Mr Livingstone has released an honour roll of celebrity supporters that reads like a who's who of C-list dregs and… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 Apr 2008 12:00 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

MoD shot in the wallet..

The Ministry of Defence has confirmed that it is to pay £2m to an Iraqi teenager accidentally shot by a British Soldier. BBC. The Guardian. The Times. House prices fall at the fastest rate since 1978. The Guardian. Oil prices have reached a new high of $112.48 per barrel. BBC.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 Apr 2008 7:51 AM. Permalink

MINISTRY FOR TRITE RETORTS

Minister states the bloomin' obvious

"Life is difficult". This was the sage-like, pop-savvy message that Communities Secretary Hazel Blears used to defend Gordon Brown after the Tories argued that the PM is responsible for the current economic crisis. In answer to her edifying yet obvious comment Westmonster would like to respond with the following: "No… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 Apr 2008 12:15 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Vacant Buildings

Gordon Brown is bad for your teeth...

Both The Telegraph and The Times have accounts of a furtively-released government report that shows the rapid deterioration of rural towns in England under the Labour government. According to the report, which is posted on the Department of Communities and Local Government website, many English towns are without basic amenities… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 Apr 2008 10:01 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Tories still don't like Gordon Brown...

The Tories have blamed the country's current economic problems on Gordon Brown (naturally). BBC. E-Politix. Alistair Darling asks banks to go easy on mortgage costs. The Guardian. The Chancellor also has plans to visit China with some of his banker friends. The Wall Street Journal. George Bush and The Pope… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 Apr 2008 7:32 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Gordon Brown failing more than anyone, ever

Here at Westmonster, we've said it before and we'll say it again: it really isn't turning out to be Gordon Brown's year. After a non-stop calvalcade of scandal and general incompetence, the PM has seen his government take a rapid downturn in the popularity stakes and has even had… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 13 Apr 2008 9:58 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown gets tough, the Dalai Lama speaks, and Doctors are pissed...

Mugabe is shaking in his army boots after Gordon Brown states he is 'appalled'. BBC. Channel 4. The Guardian. The Dalai Lama has stated that he does not advocate the Olympics boycott that people keep getting excited about. Reuters. Saudi Arabia's objections to the SAE investigation have caused some confusion.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Apr 2008 8:13 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry of pointless spending

World leaders plan to build 'Death Star' in Nevada desert

In the pink deserts of Nevada, something is stirring. As the dusts and sands of time sweep across the earth's majestic planes, a coyote howls beneath the pale moonlight. There is change in the air, something that our coyote friend is able to sense but can't quite understand or articulate.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Apr 2008 10:17 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown under pressure, BBC wages war, and nobody's going to the Olympics...

Gordon Brown faces pressure to reopen the fraud investigation between BAE and Saudi Arabia. BBC. The Guardian. The Times. The Government has launched a helpline for victims of 'forced marriage'. E-politix. The BBC is using some of its stars in the battle against the threat to its licence fee subsidy.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Apr 2008 7:39 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Sensationalism

Brown's addiction to talent shows could be threat to UK..

The story of Gordon Brown's appearance on American Idol last night has produced some sensationalist headlines in today's papers. 'Brown makes guest appearance on American Idol', is how the Guardian have phrased it, and most other news sources have written along similar lines. Here at Westmonster we have the true… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Apr 2008 12:52 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Thursday's top stories

The Pound reaches a record low of 80p against the Euro. The Guardian. Sky News. Mugabe assuages voters with death threats. The Guardian. Gordon Brown isn't protesting but won't be going to the Olympic opening ceremony in China. The Independent Food Prices to rise thanks to biofuel increment. E-politix. Farmer's… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Apr 2008 9:06 AM. Permalink

All change please

Britain's big Olympic turnaround

The government seemed determined to ignore the Olympic Torch protests earlier this week. Let's face it - if mindsets can't be swayed by the sight of a Blue Peter presenter grappling with someone over an arbitrary cultural artefact, they probably never will be. Hang on. Maybe they will. Prime… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 9 Apr 2008 9:38 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Gordon Brown gets free bus pass

The Prime Minister has really been in the firing line of late, but none of the criticisms levelled at him have been as surreal as this one: getting sent a free bus pass. Why did Gordon receive this gift in the mail? Because Royston pensioner Vilma Oakes didn't want… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 9 Apr 2008 9:00 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Wednesday morning headlines

Gordon Brown denies accusations that he is avoiding a human rights row with China for economic reasons. BBC. Row breaks out between the BBC and the Internet ISP Tiscali over the bandwidth cost of the iPlayer online TV service. BBC. Tech.co.uk. House prices look set to become even more disparate… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 Apr 2008 7:34 AM. Permalink

All change please

Who's the next Labour leader?

Gordon Brown hasn't been having an easy time of late - he's had to put with up talk of an economic meltdown, persistent lagging in the opinion polls and all sorts of general

Westmonster: “Gordon Brown”