Ministry for Clinging On

Bush to emit less gas...

Everybody's favourite simian of conversation, George W. Bush, managed to crack a few wry smiles from audiences in Japan last night by making a joke about his country's super-sized contributions to world pollution levels. As a final sayonara to Japanese leaders the saucy Texan quipped, "Goodbye from the world’s greatest… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Jul 2008 1:21 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to forget about it...

Gordon Brown has described his job as being the 'best in the world', suggesting that the nervous breakdown we were expecting may not be about to happen. The Guardian. The PM has also hinted that his plans for a 2p rise on fuel duty may be abandoned. The Guardian. The… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jul 2008 8:25 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to keep on truckin'...

More than 50% of people surveyed said that they would support the proposed 'opt-out' scheme for organ donation. BBC. The Government has offered a £20,000 prize to anybody that can think of an innovative way for them to use the public data that it has amassed over the years. BBC.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jul 2008 8:33 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Made Up Numbers

London mayoral election missing 41,000 votes...

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of conspiracy, outrage, and disgust as it is revealed that the results of the London Mayoral election may have been incorrectly counted due to a problem with the voting machines!?!? Reports over at the Guardian suggest that technological deficiencies may have 'accidentally' led to the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jul 2008 5:22 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons we're all fucked...

Barack Obama has said that he would continue to back Bush's scheme of involving religious groups in government initiatives. BBC. The Government's targets to build three million new homes by 2020 may not be enough to meet demand. ePolitix. Rising food prices have meant that one in five UK residents… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jul 2008 10:12 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The future's not orange...

The orange abomination that is fake tan has been banned from Royal Ascot. BBC. It was discovered that an average of eight new laws come into effect each day in the UK. The Times. David Cameron has questioned Gordon Brown about the command structure in Afghanistan after the deaths of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 8:34 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bush and Cameron: the not-at-all secret meeting

In yet further evidence that pretty much everyone in the world knows that Labour are lagging disastrously behind the Tories, George W. Bush thought it prudent to arrange a meeting with David Cameron while he was in the country. The practice of a visiting US President meeting opposition leaders… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 12:28 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bush contemplates writing memoir...

When Westmonster first stumbled upon the confusing headline of "Bush contemplates writing memoir", we imagined an anthropomorphic and post-modern account of an unusually pensive species of flora: "I started life as a seed. Though my parents did their best to raise me, they seemed distant and emotionless, too rooted to… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 10:46 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bush: one final tour of Europe

With all the fuss over the recently-resolved Obama/Clinton face-off, it's been pretty easy to forget the man who is all set to step down from his exalted White House position. Well, y'know, save for a few reminders like an inceasingly unstable global economy, spiralling oil prices and the vastly… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 8 Jun 2008 10:08 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Deliverance

Holy Blair comes out the closet...

Tony Blair came out of the holy closet today by revealing that his new purpose in life is to breed understanding between the world's religions. With a manic gleam in his unblinking eyes, he told the interviewers at Time Magazine that Christianity had long been a part of his life,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 1:20 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Memories

Bush loyalist writes book; no longer loyal

Rebellion is a good thing. Like, if you want to smoke a massive bong and take the day off work tomorrow, why shouldn't you, man? You don't have to play by their rules. And who cares if you're thirty-three years old and still working at Burger King? They can't… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 May 2008 12:38 AM. Permalink

Ministry for International Relations

Bush apologises for Koran target practice...

We've said it before and we'll say it again: it can't be easy being George Walker Bush. This time the life of the American President takes an onerous turn after it was revealed that a U.S. soldier in Iraq was found to be using the Koran as a tool for… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 May 2008 8:27 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Shock Finances

Impecunious George Bush owns expensive bicycle...

George Bush, Leader of the Free World, Space and America, has shocked fans by revealing that his vast fortune isn't as vast as one may have expected it to be. According to disclosure forms released today, his wealth now stands at a paltry $6.5 million, much less than when he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 9:22 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Prince Charles likes trees...

Prince Charles has concluded that putting an end to rainforest logging is the only way to solve climate change problems. BBC. Gordon Brown has been advised by MPs to give up his idea for 42-day detention without trial. The Guardian. The UK economy could be about to go through a… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Life on Mars

Bush gives up golf for Iraq

Famously inarticulate cowboy/President of the United States, George W. Bush, has shown the world his more sensitive side in an interview with Yahoo! and Politico.com. Focusing on the Texan's thoughts before he stands down from office next year, the interview reveals President Bush's reflections on some of the things that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 11:10 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Labour hammered in local elections..

Research suggests that Labour were 'hammered' in the local elections, slipping to third place beneath both the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats. BBC. The Telegraph. The results for the London Mayoral Election will be revealed today. BBC. The Guardian. Tony Blair has made his first appearance on Time Magazine's list of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 7:29 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

George Bush: comedian

Move aside, Hicks. Take a hike, Kinison. And you, Bruce - take that needle out of your arm and pack yer bags, Lenny-boy. There's a new comic genius in town, and he's a high-profile name guaranteed to draw in the crowds. True, the crowds might all be intent on… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 Apr 2008 11:04 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

UK and USA: officially still best mates

There's been a lot of talk in recent years about the 'special relationship' between the UK and America - almost as though we're dealing less with diplomatic relations and more with that annoying couple who sit next to you down the pub, intent on describing their 'hilarious' holiday together… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 18 Apr 2008 12:46 AM. Permalink

Green at the Gills

Bush to talk about climate change, though probably not understand it

The American policy on climate change has been an interesting one to date - mainly involving the entire government sticking cotton wool in their ears, singing 'na-na-na, we can't hear you,' whenever a scientist tries to talk to them, and closing their eyes to picture a majestic eagle cooing… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 15 Apr 2008 11:09 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Tories still don't like Gordon Brown...

The Tories have blamed the country's current economic problems on Gordon Brown (naturally). BBC. E-Politix. Alistair Darling asks banks to go easy on mortgage costs. The Guardian. The Chancellor also has plans to visit China with some of his banker friends. The Wall Street Journal. George Bush and The Pope… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 Apr 2008 7:32 AM. Permalink

War! What is it good for?

War will end 'one day', says Bush

With George Bush having stepped up his criticism of Iran - now explicitly linking them to Al-Qaeda - you'd be forgiven for thinking that the War On Terror will still be ongoing in five thousand years time, when galactic emperor Xrysyx rules the Earth and George Galloway is still… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 11 Apr 2008 6:31 PM. Permalink

Ministry of pointless spending

World leaders plan to build 'Death Star' in Nevada desert

In the pink deserts of Nevada, something is stirring. As the dusts and sands of time sweep across the earth's majestic planes, a coyote howls beneath the pale moonlight. There is change in the air, something that our coyote friend is able to sense but can't quite understand or articulate.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Apr 2008 10:17 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown under pressure, BBC wages war, and nobody's going to the Olympics...

Gordon Brown faces pressure to reopen the fraud investigation between BAE and Saudi Arabia. BBC. The Guardian. The Times. The Government has launched a helpline for victims of 'forced marriage'. E-politix. The BBC is using some of its stars in the battle against the threat to its licence fee subsidy.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Apr 2008 7:39 AM. Permalink

Ministry for old complaints

History to deem George W. as worst ever

It can't be easy being George Walker Bush. On one end of the political spectrum you have people that like you but secretly think that you're less intelligent than them. On the other you have people that really hate you and liken you to a either simian or a terrorist.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 Apr 2008 1:30 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Movie Madness

George Bush movie details emerge

When Westmonster first read the ABC report claiming that Oliver Stone was working on a George Bush biopic - featuring No Country For Old Men's Josh Brolin in the leading role - we took one look at the date and assumed this wasn't to be taken seriously. April 1?… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 Apr 2008 11:56 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

US failing in Iraq, claims most obvious report ever

It isn't difficult to surprise someone. Simply pop a balloon behind their head, or leap out at them from a darkened room, or tell them that you just ate a Pot Noodle and consider it one of the most delicious things you've ever tasted. Although that last one might… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 6 Apr 2008 8:14 PM. Permalink

Cesspool on the Potomac

Clinton and Obama unite against McCain

Despite the fact that the Democrat leadership battle is turning daily into the sort of tussle you'd see in a borstal exercise yard, it's nice to see that Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama can at least come together on one thing. That thing being: disliking John McCain. Clinton and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 1 Apr 2008 9:25 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Your not-so-comprehensive guide

When Westmonster passed by the local newsagent this morning, we were excited to see a massive tease for "Your comprehensive 8-page guide to the make or break night in the race for the US presidency." We're all over Super Tuesday, and we were keen to see what sort of whizbangery… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 5 Feb 2008 4:57 PM. Permalink

Cesspool on the Potomac

Hitch bitches about Iowa

Newly minted American citizen Christopher Hitchens was an arrogant blowhard long before he won his Green Card. Yet, occasionally Westmonster finds some valid points mixed in amongst the bombast. Here on the first real day of the 2008 American presidential selection process, he weighs in with some about how "undemocratic"… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 3 Jan 2008 10:50 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Westmonster predicts Bush ouster

Westmonster is finally prepared to go out on a limb and make the prediction: George Bush will be ousted as President of the United States before January 21, 2009. Westmonster's crystal ball isn't clear enough to say whether he'll be ousted as a result of the forthcoming U.S. election or… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 2 Jan 2008 11:15 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Belated round-up

Apologies for the delay, Westmonster's been battling with sommat nasty this morning. Anyway, the woes of the Gord have been obscured momentarily by the woes of Steve McClaren, who managed to assist the roaringly excellent feel-good factor in Blighty (this is sarcasm) at the moment by leading his team to a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 10:41 AM. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Bush: we WILL ban Musharraf from Facebook

News from the Daily Kos that General President Musharraf has been given a stiff talking to. Yes. That'll do it.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 11:40 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Wasters and the walking wounded

BONG! Bojo's discovering that running for the London mayoralty isn't all champagne receptions and photo shoots - the bally blighters actually want him to do some work as well! Isn't that what the lower orders are for? BONG! Sir Ian Blair's response to the vote of no confidence in him:… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 5:32 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover

Ah the rebound. You're in a relationship, everything's perfect, you think it's going to last forever and then WHAM! Suddenly your supposed soul-mate gets all "it's not you, it's me" on your ass, tells you that he'd prefer to spend his time tramping through Middle Eastern war-zones than another second in your… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 2:40 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Happy Halloween!

If this doesn't scare you nothing will: final proof that Rudy Giuliani does actually eat babies. Fact. The LibDems' poll ratings are improving - they are up four on 18% according to an ICM poll for the Guardian. Bad news for the comrades, though: down one on 35, whilst the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 7:58 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Don't fight it, Dick

A big thumbs up from everyone here at Westmonster to Vice President Dick Cheney who - rather like a horse - seems to have the enviable knack of being able settle down for a wee kip pretty much anywhere. Even during a briefing on the Californian wildfires. Whilst sat directly… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 11:42 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

American insania!

With less than ten hours to go until Question Time, console yourselves with this thought: public discourse could be worse. Proof comes via Wonkette who draws attention to the rather wonderful hate-mail page on a website called Worst President Ever (which does what it says on the tin). Check out… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 11:57 AM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Why he should go for it

It knackers Lord Ashcroft's key seats strategy: The Tories have spent the last couple of years stuffing crisp tenners into the G-strings of their candidates in the chosen marginals, but as soon as the election is called legislation governing spending kicks in, ending these shenanigans. The longer Gord leaves it,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 6:10 PM. Permalink

Westmonster: “George Bush”