Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Boris Johnson...

Legions of Westmonster readers came together yesterday to vote in what could be one of the most ground-shaking changes to the political scene in years. The Westmonster Shine Week poll attracted an impressive number of voters (9), 89% of whom decided that the Shine Week beloved so much by Ed… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jul 2008 12:41 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to start worrying...

Boris Johnson has been forced to launch an investigation into the inappropriate dealings of his deputy mayor, Ray Lewis. The Guardian. A report by Ernst & Young suggests that the average UK household is 15% worse of than five years ago. BBC. The British economy could be falling into an… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jul 2008 8:13 AM. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Shine Week...

Ladies and Gentleman, it's still Shine Week. If you're wondering what we're talking about, you should've read yesterday's post. Basically though, Ed Balls and Gordon Brown have decided that the dates of June 30th to 4th of July 2008 shall forever after be known as Shine Week. It's all part… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jul 2008 1:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Shining

Non-Sunbeam teaches kids to shine...

Gordon Brown and Ed Balls have blown critics of taste and decency out of the water by announcing that this week (June 30th to July 4th) is to go down in the history books as Shine Week. According to the Prime Ministerial website, the event doesn't involve the literal 'Shining'… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jul 2008 11:37 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Balls inspected...

Ed Balls has spent the past four months under investigation for his expenses. The Times. Yorkshire Post. North Korea is set to hand over a declaration of its nuclear activities. BBC. Reuters. The Government has been warned to take biosecurity more seriously. Yorkshire Post. Britain's top Asian policeman has accused… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 10:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

More balls from Balls...

Education secretary Ed Balls has sworn to empower teachers who have issues disciplining unruly kids due to the intervention of something called 'parents'. Apparently, there is still the odd fruit-loop floating about who feels that just because they helped to gestate and raise a child it gives them some sort… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 11:14 AM. Permalink

getting down wiv da kidz Dept.

Government to create maths teacher army

If there's one thing that Westmonster really needed at primary school - apart from Thatcher to bring the free milk back and for Percy Jackson from Year 3 to stop stealing our Ghostbusters Panini stickers - it was for a kindly teacher to take us to one side and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 10:36 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Misplaced confidence on the rise...

When children of the future look back upon the last decade or so they will do so with ugly (but futuristic) grimaces and cringes from here to yaya. And it won't be just because the times in which we live are to be defined by the throngs of morons getting… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 1:15 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Incubation

Balls to make exclusion uncool again...

Dropping or getting kicked out of high-school and still succeeding in life is just about one of the coolest things that you can do. Period. It's an act that demonstrates a strength of character so much more refined than that of the average schmuck that, when you hear stories of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 11:55 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Snob Prevention

New law says be nice to the military...

Further enhancing mindless speculation that the UK is to become no more than a bleak dystopia controlled by venomous army brats, gun-toting police officers, and the idiots in Parliament is the news that it will soon be illegal for public institutions such as shops, hospitals, and bars to discriminate against… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 11:03 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bojo to unveil booze ban...

Boris Johnson is to unveil a ban of alcohol on public transportation. Channel 4. It was revealed that a third of British employees have turned up to work with a hangover. BBC. Ed Balls is seeking to help dyslexic pupils by providing them with one-to-one lessons. The Guardian. The Lib… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 7:46 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Ed Balls gets to the point..

Ed Balls has told his disgruntled Labour friends to stop complaining about Gordon. The Times. The Tories have started a new local election campaign with the recycled slogan of, "Vote Blue, Go Green". E-Politix. Gordon Brown has had to talk his ministerial aide out of quitting over tax. The Times.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Apr 2008 7:45 AM. Permalink

All change please

Who's the next Labour leader?

Gordon Brown hasn't been having an easy time of late - he's had to put with up talk of an economic meltdown, persistent lagging in the opinion polls and all sorts of general indications that he might not be all that popular. And now it looks like his own… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 9 Apr 2008 12:34 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Morning media zoo

A round-up of the barking, the pompous and the out-of-date. - Andrew Gimson says El Gordo is turning into El Neville - Simon Hoggart can't resist making the same reference - Waste-of-space Sunder Katwala reckons he's convinced El Gordo to have an Iraq inquiry. Riiiiight. - Government missing carbon targets,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Mar 2008 8:07 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Assigning Blame

Ed's new enemy

Ed Balls has got someone else to worry about. After causing all sorts of trouble this week over his interventions in the Commons, he's now been sort-of accused of burying bad news on school admissions on Budget day by the Statistics Commission: Richard Alldritt, the chief executive, said: "We would… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Mar 2008 8:15 AM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Oh dear, Ed

Ed Balls is a man with ambition. So expect him to really, really, really regret shouting "so what?" when David Cameron claimed that the UK tax burden is "the highest in history" his response to Alistair Darling's budget. The fact that Ed's face went deep purple when Cameron called him… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Mar 2008 1:29 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Balls to the Treasury!

It's been coming for a while, but the gloves are well and truly off for Alistair Darling. The Fleet Street diaspora seems to have flat-out decided that Darling is for the chop, his performance summarised by the Torygraph: Mr Darling has presided over the first run on a high street… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Feb 2008 9:01 AM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

The A Team

Here comes the A Team. According to Times, Hannibal Brown is going to push some talented people into the spotlight: Mr Purnell, 37, Ed Balls, 40, his wife Yvette Cooper, 37, Mr Burnham 38, David Miliband 42, his brother Ed, 37, Ruth Kelly 39, and Douglas Alexander, 40, will be… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Feb 2008 9:10 AM. Permalink

The Funding Scrolls

Second homes and fancy kitchens

We've been sceptical, not to say irritated, by the whole farrago over expenses and funding, but we've got to tip our hat to the Mail (something we can't remember ever having done before). They've certainly been working hard to dig through the details of expenses and ask some difficult questions.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Feb 2008 9:17 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Throwing People Under The Bus

Top 5 clues Peter Hain should go

Westmonster has thus far stayed largely above the fray in the Peter Hain saga. But when Iain Dale starts quoting Alastair Campbell, we get the hint. At this point, Hain is shooting himself and the government in the foot by hanging around, but doesn't seem to be getting the hint… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 15 Jan 2008 1:09 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Grandstanding

Balls to Davy: Party like it’s 1918

Ed Balls emerges from his dungeon in today's Telegraph, challenging Cameron and the Tories to vote for increasing the school leaving age to 18 on Monday. Balls writes: "As things stand, the Tories have set themselves on a collision course to oppose the first Bill to raise the education age… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 11 Jan 2008 11:32 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Westmonster Deathmatches

Gordon Brown vs. Bovril

It's time for another round of Westmonster Deathmatches. Today we pit salty, once-popular Prime Minister Gordon Brown against Bovril, a salty beef extract rumoured to be popular. El GordoBovril… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 8 Jan 2008 3:44 PM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

What does Ed do in the morning?

Are there two Ed Balls (Ballses)? Because there have been major set-piece interviews with the man this week, and they seem to rather contradict each other. First up, there's the Ed Balls whom Rachel Sylvester met, the supercharged wheeler-dealer at the heart of every government initiative:… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Dec 2007 5:05 PM. Permalink

A Long Time in Politics

Cowardly, like a fox

Westmonster has been following all the hub-bub about the Gord's EU Treaty non-signing with a pile of salt on hand, what with all the hyperbole and bombast out there in the ether, just a grain isn't near enough to do the trick. At the risk of sounding like cheerleaders for… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 14 Dec 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Bloomberg ReviewWatch (TM)

Robert Hutton, a London reporter from Bloomberg, has taken a valuable public service in hand: tracking the number of policy reviews in the Brown government. He's been given a hat-tip by venerable lobby-dude Michael White. Hutton reckons there have now been 31 policy reviews announced since June 27, including four… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Dec 2007 1:40 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Finger Pointing

Mummy, what's social mobility?

Okay. Sit down. Find something comforting to clutch onto. You might be shocked by this: Brightest poor children do worse than wealthy but dim classmates (!) Pick that jaw up off the floor, it's true. The Sutton Trust and the LSE have been thinking long and hard about this one.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 13 Dec 2007 10:45 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Balls Up, Smith Down

BONG! Ed Balls releases his Children's Plan: foreign languages! adventure playgrounds! personal tutors! And some stuff about how video games are bad for you (boo!). BONG! Gordon IS going to Lisbon, but only for the private-sardine-dinner-and-EU-Treaty-signing-without-cameras. BONG! The public don't want it, the Commons don't want it, the terrorists don't… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Dec 2007 5:53 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

The "vision" thing

The BBC: The government (well, Ed Balls) is unveiling its 10-year "vision" for children. Those quotation marks look ominous. Schools are going to have refurbished playgrounds and the like, to "increase play opportunities for children" (Westmonster's non-ominous quotation marks). Sounds very business-like, "play opportunities." Meanwhile, over in The Guardian,… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 11 Dec 2007 8:33 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

DaveHeart (TM)

BONG! If someone hasn't thought of that headline already, we're copyrighting it. Anyway, Dave put his Unionist T-shirt on in Edinburgh today, before nipping out to buy some Scottish wool and shortbread. We think our picture is more descriptive of the Tory-Scotland interface than another one of bloody Mel Gibson,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Dec 2007 5:56 PM. Permalink

Department for David Beckham Studies

When Balls Becomes Dumb

Looking forward to Ed Balls' Children's Plan this week? Well, he's given us a sneak peek by recommending some role models for Britain's young people: “I think the Spice Girls have been good role models,” Balls said. “They inspire girls to believe they can stand up for themselves and do… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Dec 2007 3:24 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

When shall we three meet again?

The Sundays are a bit of a mixed bag this morning. Obviously Diskgate continues to get commentary but seeing as everyone's getting a bit fed up with "Killer Disks Still At Large: No Change Here Folks" style headlines, perhaps it would be more interesting to look at the effect the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Nov 2007 11:04 AM. Permalink

Department for Silly Lists

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron?

We've had quick squiz over what is loosely referred to here at Westmonster as our "reporting" over the past week, and have been shocked at the high volume of Government-in-the-brown-stuff style stories. Lest it be doubted - we believe that this administration is just the sort of very-British crack-squad that this country needs to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 4:57 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Beware the backlash, David.

The Boy David is to state the obvious on rape later today - namely that many rapists go unpunished, and too many men feel that they have some sort of divine right to access lady-parts whenever they fancy it. Obvious it may be, but a big thumbs up to Davy for planning… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

A bad day for Dougie

Oh dear. It looks like wee Dougie Alexander is in trouble again. Less than a month after he (along with Balls and Miliband the Even Younger) was fingered for Chickengate, the Gould report highlights a "notable level of party self-interest in Ministerial decision making" which contributed to the disenfranchising of thousands of Scottish… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 2:26 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Bottlers, Bottles, Balls & BoJo

BONG! According to Anthony Seldon's new biography of Brown, Ed Balls is responsible for coining the phrase "bottler" with regard to the Gord. BONG! Andrew Rawnsley speaks up for the worst job in politics: namely being the leader of the LibDems or aspiring to the position. "So bitterly frustrating is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Oct 2007 7:35 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

The Sunday after the night before

Unsurprisingly the Sundays have had a bit of a last minute re-draft and are full of the PM's decision to call off a snap election. This has coincided with the YouGov poll that puts the Tories three points ahead, with the comrades dropping five points to 38. The Observer… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Oct 2007 10:34 AM. Permalink

Ministry for the Margin of Error

He will, or won't, by Sunday

Allow Westmonster to set the scene. Polls are showing a big bounce. Newly smoke-free and sterile bunkers are crowding with "key decision makers." Commentators are out of breath. The Papers are out of breath. And this morning Today is leading on Dave mocking Gord over the suggestion that he'll wimp… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 8:42 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Waiting for Gord

The day of Brown's first Conference speech as PM: journalists spend the early hours hoping that if they roar "areyergonnacallanelection?" at unexpected junctures during the morning interviews, it might startle him into letting slip some sort of definite answer. Labour ahead on 42, Conservatives and LibDems each down two at 34… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Sep 2007 10:20 AM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Ed Balls”