Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Tories to cut tax. No, wait...

Westmonster is confused. Not 3 weeks ago, the Telegraph headline read "Tories look to tax cuts to help economy." Yet today, in a piece about the Conservatives' plan to raise spending on the NHS at the expense of other services, the Telegraph seems to be saying rather the opposite: "It… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 28 Feb 2008 8:32 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Telegraph's crisis of confidence

Westmonster interrupts our hangover to bring you this shocking news: Britain apparently has laws to stop minors purchasing alcohol. That's right, it's true, we read it in the Telegraph. The Telegraph editorial puts the binges down to cheap alcohol (going out on a limb there, eh?) but asks whether it's… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 22 Feb 2008 9:57 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Heffer: Tories 'stupid party'

Simon Heffer's sure in a huff. In today's Telegraph, Heffer points the finger squarely at David Cameron and George Osborne for failing to bury Labour in light of Northern Rock, and months of "sleaze, failure, and prevarication" from the government: "Being an opposition is not just about pointing the finger.… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 20 Feb 2008 9:47 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Paying Saatchi & Saatchi

Publish anything! Except this!

Isn't "Inquiry into Propriety and Peerages" a much nicer name than "cash-for-honours"? Well done the Indy. Also, isn't Lord Levy a scoundrel? He's been trying to stop the publication of a major piece of evidence in the old "here's my donation and here's your title" scandal (Westmonster tries, and fails,… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 10:37 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Boy David: "la la la la! I can't hear you!"

"There will be nothing to stop us this time," muttered Darth Ashcroft as he ordered his minions (aka Davy Cameron and chums) to put in for a topical debate on party funding today. The Gord's down on his luck, the media's saturated with Opposition politicians being sanctimonious all over us,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Dec 2007 10:11 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Morning roundup: UGH edition

Westmonster is ill. Very ill. Not going into details but needless to say that as soon as she's done this belated roundup, she's hot-footing it down the quack. Remember me in your prayers. David Abrahams is still flouncing around, roaring that he'll like, TOTALLY put all his cards on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Dec 2007 9:44 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Polls, rude words, and damsels in distress

BONG! And well he might give the thumbs up: the Labour Party's apparently descended into donation related chaos, and an IPSOS Mori poll confirms the Tories lead and puts them nine percent ahead of the comrades. BONG! Very funny viral email here, courtesy of the Telegraph. C'mon people, it's Friday!… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 6:47 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

Wendy Alexander fingered

The Telegraph is reporting that they have proof that Wendy Alexander, the leader of the Scottish Labour Party, was more than aware of the illegal donation from Paul Green in spite of her protestations that she only found out about the personal contribution to her campaign yesterday. Green, a tax exile, is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 4:33 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Today's YouGov poll

More grim news for the Gord came with the Telegraph's YouGov poll, which put the Tories on 43 (up two) with the comrades on 32 and the LibDems on 14 (both no change). The UK Polling Report sounds a note of caution about getting too Private Fraser ("we're all doomed.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 12:38 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

I Can't Believe They Made It A Headline!

Latest stonker from the Telegraph: "Grandmother saved by daughter's poo" The picture is of dancing girls because ... well. You know. The other image choices were too grim to contemplate.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 11:33 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Light relief

For those tired of the circular news reporting surrounding Diskgate and fancy something for the weekend slightly different, may we draw another fabulous Daily Telegraph story to your attention: "Man "attempted sex with fence" in London park" … read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 2:14 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Black Wednesday

Predictably, the Affair of the Missing Disks is the top story this morning, although the Today Programme seems to be getting unusually excited about a prehistoric crab. Humphrys must be having one of his hot flushes again. Ann Treneman reports on the Parliamentary response to the data-loss news, the Telegraph… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 8:07 AM. Permalink

Our Friends Chosen Randomly from the Unemployed

Drama in the Lords!

The second reading of the Human Embryology and Fertilisation Bill actually managed to induce a heart attack in the noble Lord Brennan, who collapsed just after 7.30pm last night. Luckily Government Health Minister Lord Darzi was on hand to massage the poor bloke's heart as they waited for an ambulance… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 10:45 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Henry Porter: the bicycles need you!

So, we confess that we've been getting a little obsessed with the story of the bloke who was hauled up before the beak for being caught making sweet, sweet love to his bicycle - what can we say? The midlife crisis is a terrible thing. Nonetheless, there are things that Westmonster… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Nov 2007 9:10 AM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Utterly disgusting

Westmonster was shocked, saddened, and disgusted to read reports in two of our principle organs of record that two young, blonde, and eminently fruity army girls were allegedly caught lezzing it up. Disgraceful. The Daily Mail covers it with "I saw lesbian soldiers' sex romp in the stable block," whilst… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Nov 2007 10:17 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The Telegraph: back on form!

Well done to the Telegraph, whose hacks are working that male menopause for all it's worth. Yeah! Don't fight it, baby. In the latest installment of our I Can't Believe That's A Headline series, Westmonster gives you the Telegraph with: "Man who had sex with a bicycle sentenced."… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 2:45 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Trouble up t'Home Office

Poor Jacqui Smith's getting a bit of a drubbing in the papers this morning over the latest immigration scandal to hit the Home Office. The Telegraph takes her to task for failing to station pitchfork-wielding mobs on the white cliffs of Dover, the Independent takes a broad look at… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 8:15 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Sometimes it's hard to be a Cameron

Guess what? Cameron is the first person EVAH to notice that rape is a bit of a problem for women, and as the only one who's spotted this hitherto, Westmonster is pleased to confer on him the title of "First Lady." As to those glory-stealing women who've tried to jump on his bandwagon… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 8:01 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Kings Dangling and Lords A-Leaping

The Spectator on how Lord Malloch-Brown is spending taxpayers' money on those chunky chocolate chip cookies that are about two quid for five, rather than the Tesco's own-brand rich tea. For shame! The Times reports a double-whammy perpetrated on Jacqui Smith yesterday: mauled by Basher Davis in the Justice… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 8:45 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Bring me the head of Gordon Brown!

The Times is getting its journalistic knickers in a twist over what appears to be some intern buggering up the personalised-to-your-area press release jobbie. What do we want? An Independent Inquiry(TM)! When do we want it? NOW! Keith Vaz MP, chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee, condemns the Government's "British… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 8:45 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Brenda plays Westminster

BONG! Roundup on the Queen's Speech first, kids: the Telegraph has a transcript, Peter Kenyon wonders what will happen to party finance reform, Nick Robinson reckons that the Gord was warned to be on his best behaviour and play nicely with little Davy Cameron but Davy reciprocates by whipping out the sling-shot nevertheless, the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 5:26 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Pomp and Circumstance

Good morning, folks. As you are aware - great excitement - today is the day when a game old bird in lots of twinklers delivers a speech written for her by someone else whilst some bloke with a big rod (arf!) bangs on the door of the Commons. Ah, modernity, eh?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 8:40 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Resignations and turmoil

In response to the Enoch-stylings of one time PPC Nigel Hastilow, Olly's Onions suggests that the Tories take advantage of the publicity and launch a poster campaign ... Fair Deal Phil has a look at what all this says about the real impact of Dave's shiny, shiny hair on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 8:49 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Do you trust the police to keep you safe?

So queries the Telegraph of its readers. And they? Well, what do you think? The police no longer serve the people but instead are tame servants of lying power-crazed, corrupt political masters in and out of the force who use them to control, not protect, the masses. Why should we… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 10:30 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Unleash the dogs of war

The de Menezes verdict is the big story this morning. The Times examines the nineteen police failures that led to the shooting, the Telegraph looks at the "sickening" rumours the Met circulated, and Pickled Politics questions the logic of a fine as a punishment - a tab which will… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 5:55 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Telegraph: rambling away happily

The Daily Telegraph Committee on Embracing the Male Menopause has released its latest report into the most important issues in current discourse: "Naked Rambler feels sting of Operation Thistle." The Committee's other work can be viewed here.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 9:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Happy Halloween!

If this doesn't scare you nothing will: final proof that Rudy Giuliani does actually eat babies. Fact. The LibDems' poll ratings are improving - they are up four on 18% according to an ICM poll for the Guardian. Bad news for the comrades, though: down one on 35, whilst the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 7:58 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Cross-dressing for success

BONG! News from our American cousins first, and Olly's Onions has this report on Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani which ... er ... okay, so we just wanted an excuse to put up a picture of him decked out like a whore's lampshade. Whaddya gonna do? BONG! Wonkette uncovers an alarming image… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 6:22 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Killer attack of the mid-life crisis

Most of us deal with the menopause by accepting that Hollyoaks is going to feature heavily in our lives henceforth, or developing a none-too-healthy interest in the career of Billie Piper. Not the Telegraph hacks, oh no. From the paper that brought you such headlines as "Odour of breastfeeding 'arouses… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 4:00 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

Dave to Scotland: ‘Drop dead.’

The main story seems to be the Observer's front page which outlines the Conservative and Unionist Party's plans to strip Scottish politicians of the right to vote on English laws. Guess what folks? The Gord is, like, Scottish! OMG! This devilishly cunning and subtle plan is being spearheaded by Sir Malcolm Rifkind… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 11:23 AM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Things can only get better (they can't get much worse)

The Gord's woes were many at the beginning of the week, and by the end they were legion. A particularly irritating leit motif for Brown was the fact that Anthony Seldon's new book on Blair hit the shelves over the weekend, so the PM's parade was further rained upon by various reminiscences of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Oct 2007 12:47 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Telegraph: fighting the male menopause

Which is more disturbing: the fact that a man tried to do The Sex with a bike? The fact that he was put on the Sex Offenders Register for it? Or that everyone at the Telegraph seems to be going through some sort of perve-tastic mid-life crisis? Vote now.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 2:45 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Gord goes into the red

Bad news for Brown comes with the latest YouGov poll for the Telegraph. The Tories are on 41, Labour 38, and the LibDems on 11 - exactly the same figures as their last poll. The Gord's personal rating is down to negative figures, the Boy Davy is back in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 9:12 AM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Cracker from the Torygraph

Having suffered a brief bout of socialist guilt as to whether pointing and laughing at loons commenting on a Telegraph article (subject: The Gays) was akin to pitching up at Hanwell asylum in the 1890s to taunt the inmates, Westmonster has now moved on and got her prodding stick at the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 10:06 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Play nicely, boys

BONG! Dizzy reports that Lord Malloch-Brown has been given first dibs on the accommodation train set. BONG! And the prize for the most evocative phrase of the day goes to Mr Eugenides for this post on the recent "obesity is society's fault" stylings of Alan Johnson. Mr Eugenides: "Well, wake up… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 5:21 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Old sins have long shadows

The Times on the rivalry of the two leading candidates for the LibDem crown. Apparently Chris Huhne and Nicky Clegg were best buds until Chucky K. stepped down in 2005 and the United Federation of Young Turks agreed that nobody would stand against Ming, giving him a clear run.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 7:23 AM. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

BNP: Top of the Hit Parade

News this morning that in a council by-election in Horsham the Labour candidate was stuck in fourth place behind the BNP coincided with this piece in the Telegraph, claiming that the BNP's website is the most visited of all the major political parties. For some reason the BNP website isn't loading anything… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 2:07 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Who Ya Gonna Call?

At the end of a terrible week for Brown, there is at least a shred of comfort: Compass have got together, pushed the envelope, thought outside the box, and controlled the orchestra (or something) and offered Brown some advice on how to sort his shit out! It's all "progressive… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 7:46 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Bearing Up Well

Westmonster thinks that it is fair to say that the lobby were unimpressed with Gord's performance at PMQs yesterday, with bears (baiting thereof) being the metaphor of choice. The Times has Brown as a grizzly, the Independent chooses a brown bear, Simon Hoggart in the Guardian merely goes for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 8:05 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

I wanna live like common people

BONG! Outrage turns to hilarity amongst staff over Queuegate, with MPs falling over themselves to demonstrate that they are prepared to get down and dirty with the unwashed masses. So far - according to Westmonster's lovely assistant - there have been no less than 16 (update: check that, now 17) Members of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 6:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Stopping The Presses

Telegraph: all schoolkids to be jailed!

Horrific news from the Telegraph following Straw's announcement yesterday that incitement to homophobic hatred is to become a crime. The Telegraph reports that every school child who so much as says, "Why, it's a gay morning isn't it chaps? Pip pip!" will be immediately sent to Wormwood Scrubs where they… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 10:50 AM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Daily Telegraph”