Ministry for Revolutions

Facebook to end knife crime...

The suits in Westminster, Whitehall to be precise, look like they've finally tapped into the well of secret knowledge that separates the clued-in from mere mortals. In the fight against youth knife crime it seems that it may finally have dawned upon campaigners that young Britons don't acquire information from… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Jul 2008 2:02 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Acquiescence

Boris Johnson to comb his hair

Boris Johnson: Mayor of London, dabbler, raconteur, and sophisticated dresser. Westmonster isn't the first to point out the importance of the Mayoral Hairdo, but perhaps we're the first to prognosticate its rapidly becoming status as a national treasure. In our preferred vision for the future, thousands will flock to London… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 11:26 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Argentina: Where The Politicians Fight Back

Political conflict is usually quite a subdued affair in Britain. Sure, you'll occasionally catch a glimpse of John Prescott on a bitchslapping rampage, but apart from that we're simply a more restrained bunch. Nothing like Argentine First Lady Cristina Fernandez, then, who has found herself in hot water following… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 31 Mar 2008 11:54 PM. Permalink

All change please

Ken v. Associated

Ken's, ahem, issues with the Evening Standard are well documented, and now he's having a pop at the mothership: The Daily Mail has a long and despicable record of vilifying the different generations of people who have made our city their home, whether they be Jewish, Black, Asian, Irish or,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Mar 2008 8:30 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Portrait artist selection process

So, you're the most successful Labour leader in living memory. You've had a decade as the Top Dog in British politics. You fancy getting your portrait done. Should your portrait painter: Be the son of a senior Tory MP? Have a series of right wing icons (Prince Philip, George Bush… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Jan 2008 8:50 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Hey El Gordo, where ya been?

Guess who's crawled out from under the (Northern?) rock. Why, it's the Prime Minister! Yesterday he stopped in with Andrew. Today he's got an extended interview in The Guardian. Tomorrow, Westmonster expects to see him in New Hampshire moderating a debate. And what's Gordon on about in his new… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 7 Jan 2008 7:03 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Immigration for grown-ups

The Government doesn't know. The Daily Mail doesn't know. The Local Government Association doesn't know. Even London's taxi drivers don't know. So what exactly is going on with immigration in Britain? Well, the Barrow Cadbury Trust have had a stab at investigating. The report contains the memorable phrase "Britain's diversity… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Dec 2007 11:39 AM. Permalink

Blast from the past

The Blairs: What Not To Wear

An amazing article from the delightful Liz Jones in the Daily Mail, on how the Blairs fail to scrub up well now they're no longer in Downing Street. Worth it for this sentence alone: "How can these people run the country when they can't even run a comb through their… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 11 Dec 2007 11:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

The "vision" thing

The BBC: The government (well, Ed Balls) is unveiling its 10-year "vision" for children. Those quotation marks look ominous. Schools are going to have refurbished playgrounds and the like, to "increase play opportunities for children" (Westmonster's non-ominous quotation marks). Sounds very business-like, "play opportunities." Meanwhile, over in The Guardian,… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 11 Dec 2007 8:33 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

It was Facebook what won it

Boulton & Co. reports on a possible climbdown on the part of the Government on the extension of 28-day detention. This is because the Home Office realised that Satan would be going to work in a snow plough before that one was nodded through on the quiet by Parliament the Gord heads… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Dec 2007 8:25 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The Breakdown of Society (TM)

The Conservatives can call off the search, for thanks to the Daily Mail and Fay Wheldon (who used to be good value before she started believing her own pronouncements) we have found the Root Of All Evil in British society. Oh yes, Fay has seen the sign of the Beast… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Dec 2007 11:32 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Watt's the Story, Morning Glory

Of course the resignation (submitted by or done to, scratch one according to theory) of Labour's General Secretary Peter Watt over a donation scandal of Enron-style complexity is the main story this morning. From the comrades, Chris Paul thinks it regrettable but inevitable that he should go, Guido of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 9:57 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The hidden poverty in Brown's Britain

As Christmas approaches and the shopping horror commences, we would like all Westmonster readers to contemplate for one moment those who will not be spending time being jolly this holiday season: "Desperate families pay up to £500 for Nintendo Wii on internet." Personally, we think the Gord should set up a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 9:54 AM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

HMRC: we've seen the sign of the Beast

As the search for the Disk of Doom continues, the Mail reports on the Lord of the Flies-esque scenes in HM Revenue and Customs: The staff wear tracksuit bottoms, baseball caps and scruffy T shirts, many do not have a GCSE and their training is described as "a joke". Somebody… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 3:03 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Black Wednesday

Predictably, the Affair of the Missing Disks is the top story this morning, although the Today Programme seems to be getting unusually excited about a prehistoric crab. Humphrys must be having one of his hot flushes again. Ann Treneman reports on the Parliamentary response to the data-loss news, the Telegraph… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 8:07 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Cameron: your POSH make us HOT!

Article in the Daily Mail by Arthur Harrumphalot Gordon Brown found himself under attack last night for not having the foresight to be born to aristocratic parents who had a tennis court on the family estate. Whilst David Cameron looked positively relaxed as he played tennis with former British Number… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Nov 2007 4:17 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Utterly disgusting

Westmonster was shocked, saddened, and disgusted to read reports in two of our principle organs of record that two young, blonde, and eminently fruity army girls were allegedly caught lezzing it up. Disgraceful. The Daily Mail covers it with "I saw lesbian soldiers' sex romp in the stable block," whilst… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Nov 2007 10:17 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

A reader writes...

Dear Sir, I am writing regarding your article entitled "we were just cuddling, says sergeant in 'lesbian clinch.'" Whilst naturally not wanting to prejudice the findings of the tribunal, I think it is your public duty that no stone, however sordid, is left unturned in your reporting of this matter. I've said it… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 11:01 AM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Cameron on rape: he's just asking for it

Whilst the Boy David's "rape is bad, mmmkay?" speech has gone down well with most women's groups, such far-left pinko commie, man-hating feminazi stylings did not find support everywhere. And by "everywhere" we mean "amongst the Daily Mail readership." The comments at the bottom of this article provide a salutary lesson that whilst you… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 2:29 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Beware the backlash, David.

The Boy David is to state the obvious on rape later today - namely that many rapists go unpunished, and too many men feel that they have some sort of divine right to access lady-parts whenever they fancy it. Obvious it may be, but a big thumbs up to Davy for planning… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

Ministry for the Salted Rim

Booze Britain: the legends are true!

For those of you who thought - like us - that 24-hour licensing and "booze Britain" was the stuff of myth and the imagination of Daily Mail journos who want an excuse to print "disgusting" pictures of young ladies showing their underwear when drunk, who have nonetheless spent the last… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 10:30 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Daily Mail: getting to the heart of the Gord's vision

As far as "stealing Conservative clothes" goes, the Daily Mail can exclusively reveal that Sarah Brown has taken her husband's example one step too far. Yesterday, arriving at Parliament for the Queen's Speech, Mrs Brown shocked onlookers by wearing a coat. Said a nearby Tory MP, "This is another example of the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 12:52 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Rubbish and Her Maj's mysterious illness

BONG! Ken weighs in on the pay-as-you-go rubbish policy and is all, "it's rubbish!" BONG! Queen's Speech tomorrow folks, and the Guardian has this summary of expected announcements. BONG! On the subject of Her Maj, the Telegraph (who else?) has another of their cracking headlines: "Windsor Foot and Mouth relief… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 6:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Inducing Daily Mail Apoplexy

Girls behaving nakedly

This article in the Daily Mail raised more questions than it answered here at Westmonster Towers. For example, is it a serious piece on female drunkenness, or an excuse to print pictures of young ladies in various states of "disgusting" undress (continued on pages 2 - 34879)? "The ladette effect puts… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 3:22 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Handbagging at 4pm

BONG! The LibDem leadership contest is officially ON! Nominations closed at 4pm today and the unseemly bitchslapping between the only two candidates commenced almost immediately. Nicky Clegg gave an interview to the Telegraph outlining how Chris Huhne is a receding hairline away from being exactly like David Cameron, whilst Huhne contended that his advanced… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 7:29 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Things can only get better (they can't get much worse)

The Gord's woes were many at the beginning of the week, and by the end they were legion. A particularly irritating leit motif for Brown was the fact that Anthony Seldon's new book on Blair hit the shelves over the weekend, so the PM's parade was further rained upon by various reminiscences of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Oct 2007 12:47 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Gord goes into the red

Bad news for Brown comes with the latest YouGov poll for the Telegraph. The Tories are on 41, Labour 38, and the LibDems on 11 - exactly the same figures as their last poll. The Gord's personal rating is down to negative figures, the Boy Davy is back in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 9:12 AM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Overcrowding in the Big Tent?

Not yet fully recovered from the Gord inviting Comrade Digby to his birthday party and then scenes of flirtation with the Mistress of Darkness, the comrades will presumably be gloomy to discover another unholy camel has been invited into the Brown tent: Daily Mail chief Paul Dacre. Dacre is charged with reviewing… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 1:48 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Ironic punishment division

Sometimes it's hard being leader of the Opposition, eh? There you are, doing well in the polls, feted by your party for your taunting of brooding Brown, your hair looks great, and you decide to go for the money shot and give the Gord a damn good thrashing over not holding a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 4:02 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Femail dilemma

Okay, Westmonster needs to know: is this some sort of High Irony that we're missing?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 12:57 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

The Great UK Caption Competition

Exciting news courtesy of the Daily Mail this morning: Gordon Brown is running a competition in which we choose a motto for the UK. Predictably, this has elicited a response nothing short of apocalyptic from the Daily Mail readership: Sorry Gordon with a lot of us gone and more immigrants… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Sep 2007 9:53 AM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Daily Mail”