Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Conservatives 26 points in front...

The latest Yougov poll claims that the Conservatives now have a 26 point lead. UK Polling Report. The government is set to help home owners as repossessions are set to rise. BBC. Channel 4. There are plans to start a national database of 'bad employees' which can be accessed nationally… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 May 2008 7:44 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Our American Cousins

NY Times: Tories' "Conservative Revival"

Upper-case 'C' Conservatives in Britain know all too well what it feels like to need a revival — 'twas only a short eight months ago that Labour looked ready to re-up for another five years of fun. But now all that's changed, and beaten-down American lower-case 'c' conservatives are… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 9 May 2008 6:56 AM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Change

David Cameron is pleased with himself...

This time last week Westmonster claimed that the times were a-changin' and it appears that we're not the only ones who think so: After the mauling that his party inflicted on Labour yesterday David Cameron has stated in his usual buttery tones that the results stand as a 'big moment'… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:53 PM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for A Thousand Words

Brown's picture to be placed in dictionary...

There are rumours that the Oxford English Dictionary is to consider placing a picture of Gordon Brown next to the word 'delusional'. An Oxford University Press press release stated that: "In our ever expanding age of multimedia consumerism, MTV, Youtube, and Google Images, it is only to be expected that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:07 PM. There are 0 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Numbers: the times they are a-changin'

It's been a busy day for political numbers: Over at The Guardian they have a report on the latest opinion poll statistics concerning the London Mayoral Election. Surprisingly for some, perhaps most of all Ken Livingstone, they show that London's favourite anarchist has managed to overtake Boris Johnson and creep… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Apr 2008 6:25 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Scottish Conservatives lose 150,000 pounds

We've all been in the same mildly frustrating situation - you know that you have a ten pound note on your person somewhere, you know it, and yet you can't remember which pocket it's in, and the barmaid is expecting you to pay for your drinks any second now,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 14 Apr 2008 10:41 PM. Permalink

Ministry for cheap shots

Conservatives provide new opportunities in broadcasting

Any would-be broadcasters out there may wish to know of an exciting job opportunity that is being offered over at the Conservative home website. In perhaps the most exciting development within the broadcasting industry since the invention of the radio, it appears that the call-to-arms on the page is seeking… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Apr 2008 7:02 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Tories lose new bastard

The Tories have lost their ultra-rebel: Bob Spink's been chucked out for getting heavy-handed with the Chief Whip: Spink tried to avoid being deselected by emailing a post-dated letter of resignation on Tuesday night to the Tory chief whip, Patrick McLoughlin - a letter he threatened to activate if the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Mar 2008 8:20 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Pissing In The Wind

Tories cynical on Rock

Memo to Dave, George, and friends: when you've made considerable hay out of tarring the government with the brush of transparent political cynicism, it's a good idea to steer clear yourselves of transparently cynical political grandstanding. Oops! Too late. Tempted though Alistair Darling may have been to rise to the… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 18 Feb 2008 1:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for making Alistair Campbell roll his eyes

Welcome to Fat Fighters™

Sigh. We at Westmonster are growing weary of writing stories about the political tone-deafness of this government. Whilst the Tories take control of the political agenda, sound ever more sensible by the day, and feature a leader who's making transparent appeals to specific (and powerful) voting constituencies, Gordon Brown's government… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 24 Jan 2008 9:57 AM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

ConHome offers George bad advice

ConservativeHome, as part of its Agenda 2008 programme, has called on the Shadow Chancellor not to renew the opposition's pledge to match the government's spending proposals through 2010/2011. They write: Last September George Osborne signed up to Labour's spending plans until 2010/11. That decision is unpopular amongst Tory members. Our… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 14 Jan 2008 2:50 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Re-Runs

Best of the Week 7-11 Jan 2008

At Westmonster, we've celebrated our biggest week ever, and we'd like to welcome all of our new readers. Whether you've been following along or not, here's some of the best Westmonster's had to offer this week: Conservatives are setting the agenda these days, and we asked where the differences are… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 12 Jan 2008 11:34 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Grandstanding

Balls to Davy: Party like it’s 1918

Ed Balls emerges from his dungeon in today's Telegraph, challenging Cameron and the Tories to vote for increasing the school leaving age to 18 on Monday. Balls writes: "As things stand, the Tories have set themselves on a collision course to oppose the first Bill to raise the education age… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 11 Jan 2008 11:32 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Loving Thine Enemy

Osborne hearts Blunkett

Westmonster has recently noted the narrowing of the policy gap between Labour and the Tories — it's all starting to seem like the contents of the two bags are largely the same, just that one's red and the other blue. Today, the lovefest continues with Shadow Chancellor George Osborne's David-Blunkett-fawn-a-thon… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 10 Jan 2008 10:54 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

The MEP for Alabama, West Midlands

Click on the image at left, and look closely at the mighty Birmingham skyline. Look familiar? Well, you must spend a lot more time in the southern United States than does Westmonster. That's right, the Tory MEPs for West Midlands have been in Brussels (Belgium) and Strasbourg (France) so… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 9 Jan 2008 9:25 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Well, that's data loss solved…

MPs, in the wake of discgate, are calling for criminal sanctions for those who mishandle personal information. Westmonster is confident that the lack of a law is the real problem, not that "Gary" at HMRC is taking his laptop home to play Second Life. The Independent publishes poll averages,… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 3 Jan 2008 8:56 AM. Permalink

While You Were Slacking

Bottler bottles bottle reform

No rush to drink up as the government slams the brakes on reversing 24-hour licensing, according to The Times. Apparently the Gord prefers you reflect on his recent "successes" whilst inebriated. The average council tax bill will reach £1,380 this year, with a corresponding increase in services while funding… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 2 Jan 2008 10:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Chucky's back!

When Cleggers sorts out a shadow cabinet, he doesn't mess about. Everyone's favourite ex-LibDem leader is right in the mix, as President of the European Movement. Westmonster has no idea what the "European Movement" is, but suspects it might have to do with wine. Because anti-prostitution laws have been such… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 21 Dec 2007 9:23 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Mail: Lady voters heart Davy

"Women voters have ended their ten-year love affair with Labour and are switching to the Tories." The Daily Mail, as ever, has the inside track on what's going through the ladies' minds. Apparently, it's this: "What does approval rating mean?" Because the article explains it. Also, children think Cammers is… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

A Long Time in Politics

Cowardly, like a fox

Westmonster has been following all the hub-bub about the Gord's EU Treaty non-signing with a pile of salt on hand, what with all the hyperbole and bombast out there in the ether, just a grain isn't near enough to do the trick. At the risk of sounding like cheerleaders for… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 14 Dec 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Blaming Everything On Immigration

More babies: Bad for Britain?

SocietyGuardian reports today that fertility rates in Britain have rebounded, up in 2006 to 1.84 from an all-time low of 1.63 in 2001. On information included in the report that 21% of UK births in 2006 were to women born outside the UK (read: possible immigrants), shadow home secretary David… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 12 Dec 2007 11:21 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Unhappy cops, detention flops

The sound coming from our brave police force? It's an unhappy one. Their "trust, morale and goodwill" are all going downhill. The strike ballot's happening today. Labour ministers think Jacqui Smith's a right meanie. There's also the possibility that local council leaders could gain the power to sack police commanders.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 12 Dec 2007 9:32 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

The new "bastards"

Step forward Bob Spink, Ultra-Rebel. According to some new research by Philip Cowley and Mark Stuart from the University of Nottingham, Bob is the leading rebel among Conservative MPs under David Cameron. Since the 2005 election, Bob has rebelled from the party line on a bolshie 22 occasions, more than… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Dec 2007 1:53 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

What's Hot, What's Not. This week, anyway

Okay kids, there's been a certain confusion over what the policy is on certain issues this week, so allow Westmonster to clear up any confusion. School funds clawback: This is NOT on the immediate agenda in spite of a large number of malicious rumours (probably spread by the Conservative Party, damn… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 11:12 AM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

Dave to Scotland: ‘Drop dead.’

The main story seems to be the Observer's front page which outlines the Conservative and Unionist Party's plans to strip Scottish politicians of the right to vote on English laws. Guess what folks? The Gord is, like, Scottish! OMG! This devilishly cunning and subtle plan is being spearheaded by Sir Malcolm Rifkind… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 11:23 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Sexport and sleaze

BONG! Guido on Lord Hoyle's dodgy little earner. All together now: Labour sleaze! Sotto voce: and the Tories don't come out of it unscathed either. BONG! Stop the presses! As if the news that Paddy Ashdown (who's got to the stage that all politicians reach eventually: he's started believing his own… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 6:26 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Thursday sing-along

The Government plan to claw-back funds from state schools has been shelved after bad publicity consultation with key stakeholders. Remember folks, even if 100 schools had said they thought the policy was a good one, the Gord would still not have gone ahead with it. Lorely Burt is the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 8:49 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

The stench of hyperbole

The debate's underway in the blogosphere over the Gould report into Scottish elections released yesterday. Iain Dale: "Douglas Alexander has Blood On His Hands and should resign!" Kezia Dugdale, however, has not only read the report but appears to be a bit of an expert in these matters agrees that… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 7:43 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Treaty threatens Tory lovefest

Whilst it looked like it was going to cause problems for a beleagured Gord and his depressed comrades in the wake of the non-election, Cameron and his party have merrily brought up the issue of a referendum on the EU Treaty with monotonous regularity. However, just as Brown's reluctance to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 10:34 AM. Permalink

Ministry for the Double-Plus-Ungood

Gord on Ming, translated

Gordon Brown: "Sir Menzies is a man of great stature and integrity who has served his party and country with distinction."Translation: "Thank F*CK for that! Hopefully they'll choose wee Nicky Clegg. He's identical in almost every respect to the Boy David who'll eat into the latter's poll lead. Muhahahahaha!"… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 7:05 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Judge: Conservative donors are insane!

The Tories battle to hang on to an £8.3m bequest from a pharmaceutical mogul has ended in disappointment for the party: A judge said Mr Kostic would not have left the money to the Tories if he had been "of sound mind". Westmonster feels there is nothing she can add… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 10:48 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

The Blair Backlash cometh

BONG! Wee Matty D'Ancona reports on the Charge of the Light Brigade against the Gord, led by former Lord Chancellor, Charlie Falconer. A week may be a long time in politics, but the memories of m'lud's rumoured partners in battle - former Blairites Charles Clarke, Alan Milburn, and Stephen Byers -… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Oct 2007 6:20 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Margin of Error

Brown blinks first

Well, that's that then. Westmonster has duly cancelled her return ticket to Worksop. Gordon forgot the first rule of bandwagons: if you're going to start one rolling you better be damn sure that you can control the bugger if it looks like it's going to run away with itself.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 5:15 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Mercer moves outside the big tent and takes aim

Well done to Iain Dale (whose eyes, unlike Westmonster's, are presumably not impeded by a roaring hangover) who notices that quasi-defector Patrick Mercer has left the Big Tent. Mercer, who Brown had appointed his Advisor on the Third Pillar Box From the Left on Kings' Street or somesuch bollocks, had previously… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 1:37 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Why he should go for it

It knackers Lord Ashcroft's key seats strategy: The Tories have spent the last couple of years stuffing crisp tenners into the G-strings of their candidates in the chosen marginals, but as soon as the election is called legislation governing spending kicks in, ending these shenanigans. The longer Gord leaves it,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 6:10 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

It polls for thee, Gordon

BONG! Much drama over at Iain Dale's where unconfirmed rumours are flying that tomorrow's poll for the Guardian puts the Tories ahead by three points. UK Polling Report... erm... reports that Dale's numbers were based on interim results and the final numbers will reflect a small Labour lead. More polls filtering in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 5:20 PM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Cameron wants to kick the tyres

Whilst Dave Cameron is trying on the chains of office to see whether they're his size, will Samantha be measuring up for new curtains in Number 10?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 3:40 PM. Permalink

Live From The Carlton Club

LIVE! Cameron speaks

Westmonster provided live coverage of David Cameron's speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool. The transcript appears below. Westmonster would especially like to note that she called the Jimmy Cliff song more than 3 minutes before it came over the loudspeakers, and wasn't just reporting it had already happened.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 1:48 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Tinfoil hat stand doing a roaring trade

In spite of the rapturous ovation received by IDS for his speech yesterday, we at Westmonster remain rather perplexed by some of what he had to say. Apparently, the reason Gord wants to go to the polls is to destroy the Conservative Party, along with cute puppies, fluffy things… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 10:51 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Tory cork pops prematurely

BONG! Kids, there are some things you just shouldn't do, especially if you work in politics. But if you must do them, don't post the photographs on Facebook. And if you must put the photos on Facebook, don't supplement them with "gags" that Bernard Manning would have rejected as being too risque.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 7:43 PM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Conservative Party”