Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

E-mail plan calls for more Orwellian clichés...

Ah, another day, another Orwellian analogy to be made. This time it comes after the BBC reveals that the government is considering plans to maintain a national database of every phone call and e-mail sent in the UK. Big Brother is watching you? See you in room 101? How'd you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 10:11 AM. Permalink

A Long Time in Politics

Nick Clegg: the fake Lib Dem leader?

It's been a bad week for Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. He provoked sniggers, nicknames like 'Commons Casanova' and predictable outrage from the Daily Mail when he claimed in a GQ interview to have slept with around 30 women before meeting his wife (which, to be fair, sounds like… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 6 Apr 2008 7:22 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Cleggers Prays Not

Is it us, or does Christmas come earlier every year? News has fallen off a cliff in the last 48 hours since the terrific excitement of Cleggers' election. And yes, we are including the announcement of the Cleggers "front bench team" (actually front-bench-and-a-bit-off-to-the-side team). BONG! He might not believe in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Dec 2007 5:20 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Westmonster Deathmatches

Nick Clegg vs. iPhone

Westmonster now presents the first in what we hope will be a regular series we're calling "Westmonster Deathmatches." Today's deathmatch pits just-crowned LibDem leader Nick Clegg against Apple's iPhone. The results may shock and amaze you. Nick CleggiPhone… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 18 Dec 2007 2:54 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

CleggHuhneMan beats HuhneCleggMan

It wasn't just us who were confused by the apparent similarities between the two LibDem leadership candidates: the LibDems themselves could barely make up their mind. The Cultural Stereotyping Dept. has been warned but, really: LibDems who can't make up their minds? What next? Labour and dodgy property deals? Racist… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Dec 2007 2:40 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Vince Cable, it's over so soon

Today's the day the LibDems announce their leader! Acting leader Vince Cable (of "I'm off to watch Strictly Come Dancing" fame) will be making the announcement this afternoon. "Cameron-lite" (shudder) Clegg is slightly ahead, according to polls and bookies, and he's already got some reshuffling plans. This article in particular… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 7:59 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

All bets are off

The YouGov poll in today's Sunday Times is one of those "all your bases are belong to us" moments for the Tories, indicating as it does that Dave has reached his target of 45% share (which would translate into a whopping 90+ seat majority), 13 points ahead of Labour. As… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Dec 2007 11:10 AM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

World saved!

They've agreed a climate deal in Bali, but apparently only because America wants us to like them. Not really a solid basis for world salvation, is it? Chris Paul's been sent some rather nasty stuff about Chris Huhne, and he's printed it in full. This on the day when some… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Dec 2007 11:16 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Not Holding One's Breath

Save Northern Rock!

It's being bullied! By The Eyebrows! Says Chris Huhne. His fellow LibDemmer, Vince Cable, says that the bank is "bleeding to death," suggesting that he's taking this anthropomorphism thing a bit far, or else has been listening to far too much Leona Lewis. Even Cammers has got involved; unsurprisingly, he's… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 11 Dec 2007 9:54 AM. Permalink

Go on the Lib Dems!

Cleggers faffs, identifies "politics of fear"

The Telegraph interviews Nick Clegg over an almond croissant. Melissa Kite notes his love of the word "faff," calls him "a small but determined whirlwind" - unlike his predecessors! - and describes his possible effect on Davy Cammers:Mr Cameron may not be shaking in his boots quite yet - but… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 10 Dec 2007 9:22 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Jailhouse Rock

BONG! Three new "super-size" gaols to be built. Either because we're all getting fatter or the Government plans on banging more people up. One of the two. BONG! The consensus appears to be that the Gord just about pulled ahead of the Boy Cameron in PMQs. Really? Westmonster thought Davy… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Dec 2007 5:42 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

When there's something strange in the neighbourhood ...

... who ya gonna call? Caped Crusader, scourge of dodgy donors, and campaigner for truth and justice [draws breath] Chris Huhne has turned his forensic eye to the Conservative books, having spent the previous week analysing the Labour ones. From his official site:… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Dec 2007 1:10 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Hypocrisy and Hyperbole

Chris Huhne's posturing over Donorgate looks even more hollow (after we pointed out yesterday that Chrissy's honour-bound to bankrupt the LibDems if he ever becomes leader of them) as it is revealed - again - that the Durham business park had nothing to do with getting the approval of the comrades… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Dec 2007 9:20 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Will Huhne put his £2.4m where his mouth is?

There are some people who (Westmonster strongly suspects) don't actually listen to what their mouths are saying, but sort of let them flap up and down on their own. Such a person is Chris Huhne who seems to have gotten so preoccupied with seeing his face on the telly that's… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Dec 2007 11:55 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

A message from Vince Cable

What me? Oh no, no, no. I'm just a backroom boy: I put a bit of stick about, I make 'em jump. There's plenty of young chaps - ambitious chaps, too - around who aspire to the leadership of our party. Best leave the serious campaigning to them. Of course, you might think… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Dec 2007 11:23 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Morning roundup: UGH edition

Westmonster is ill. Very ill. Not going into details but needless to say that as soon as she's done this belated roundup, she's hot-footing it down the quack. Remember me in your prayers. David Abrahams is still flouncing around, roaring that he'll like, TOTALLY put all his cards on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Dec 2007 9:44 AM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

Failure to deliver

Okay, so what have we missed with this Mail on Sunday article entitled "Exclusive: Labour to launch inquiry into SECOND donor scandal"? We've read it through twice and as far as we can see it should actually be headed with "Nothing to see here, folks. Man who's entitled to legally… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Dec 2007 12:53 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

It's Bean a Long Week

Another Saturday, another roundup, but we're getting a bit fed up of beginning these with "another grim week for the Gord," so until otherwise stated, just take that one as read, folks. Monday dawned with another attempt on the part of the comrades to "relaunch," this time though a speech… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Dec 2007 12:55 PM. There are 6 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Notes on a Scandal

The Cowley Street Bedouin asks why leadership hopeful Chris Huhne felt it was his place to report the Gord to the coppers over the dodgy loans affair. Whilst most of us have already answered that one (in an assessment that may or may not contain the words "sanctimonious" and… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 7:43 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

The pitfalls of a democratic system

BONG! The Spectator CoffeeHouse and the new Telegraph blog, Three Line Whip, agree that the Gord can't sack Harman even if he wanted to as she was democratically elected by the membership, and it would be up to them to decide whether to remove her. As deputy leader, the Labour… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 5:27 PM. There are 4 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

It might have been interesting

A colleague has burst into Westmonster HQ and breathlessly declared that LibDem leadership contender Chris Huhne had "done an Angus MacNeil!" Hurrah! At last, something's happened in this interminable campaign. So, Chris has had to 'fess up to a sordid "heavy petting" session with two winsome teenage lovelies and ... oh. Apparently,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 2:30 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Lies, damned lies, and opinion polls?

As the end nears in the interminable Liberal Democrat leadership contest and voting for the Parliamentary equivalent of Head of Year 7 continues, the Guardian releases a poll that shows Huhne catching up: Forty per cent of just over 200 Lib Dems questioned by the Guardian after a hustings in Cambridge… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 12:01 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

While the cat's away ...

Military blokes use the opportunity of the Gord's absence (he's in Uganda) to aim some bitchslapping at the Government. Classy work, boys. More damning, perhaps, is the National Audit Office report regarding the undreamed of wealth made by ten civil servants at the public expense. At the end of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 10:07 AM. Permalink

Department for Silly Lists

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron?

We've had quick squiz over what is loosely referred to here at Westmonster as our "reporting" over the past week, and have been shocked at the high volume of Government-in-the-brown-stuff style stories. Lest it be doubted - we believe that this administration is just the sort of very-British crack-squad that this country needs to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 4:57 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Black Wednesday

Predictably, the Affair of the Missing Disks is the top story this morning, although the Today Programme seems to be getting unusually excited about a prehistoric crab. Humphrys must be having one of his hot flushes again. Ann Treneman reports on the Parliamentary response to the data-loss news, the Telegraph… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 8:07 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Getting one's Rocks off

The one good thing about the Northern Rock crisis is the fact that it allows hacks and bloggers to pun muchly and shamelessly, in the manner of an early Christmas panto or a particularly groan-worthy episode of "Round the Horne". Ann Treneman in the Times leads today's charge with a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 7:25 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Icebergs and revolutions

BONG! Are the Eyebrows heading for a Northern Rock-shaped iceberg? Alistair Darling defended his role in the bank's ongoing ishoos, as "suitors" (as they are rather quaintly called) line up to shaft vigorously make their arguments for the fair lady's hand. BONG! Still, as Guido reported yesterday, it's not bad… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 5:38 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

What a calamity!

Elections for positions of power tend towards the unseemly at times (*cough* Labour Party Deputy Leadership contest *cough*) and it looks like the Clegg-Huhne handbagging is no exception. Apologies for the lack of morning round-up, normal service resumed as of now.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 10:37 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

News in brief: Westmonster on the road edition

Damp squib of the day: Miliband the Younger's Europe speech. Anybody else finding the tabloid habit of salaciously referring to a suspect in the Meredith Kercher murder as "Foxy Knoxy" - as if she's an actress in a porn movie - a little bizarre? Westmonster feels that this obsession with the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Nov 2007 8:55 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Events, dear boy, events: they CAN be an arse

BONG! An article in the Financial Times - originally flagged up by Ben Brogan - has been flying around the blogosphere. To say it won't make comfortable reading in the Brown Bunker is putting it mildly. BONG! It's not been a good day to be the Gord. Just when you… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 5:50 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Chris Huhne's strategy

As far as we can work out, Chris Huhne's campaign for victory in the LibDem leadership race is based on the misapprehension that not being like that bloke from the Tories who's managed to put the ruling party on the back foot for the first time in a decade, makes… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 1:16 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Remembrance Sunday roundup

BONG! Old sins cast long shadows: the Spectator Coffeehouse on the past of recently rehabilitated Jonathan Aitken. BONG! An ICM poll sees the Conservatives up three at 43, the LibDems down three at 15, and the comrades flatlining on 35. Apparently these figures would just about give the Tories a majority… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Nov 2007 6:12 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Lib Dem apologises to Speaker

Liberal Democrat leadership hopeful Chris Huhne apologised to Michael Martin today for getting over-excited in a Newsnight interview and claiming that the Speaker fell asleep during the Boy David's speech the other day. "I'd like to apologise to the Speaker for this unseemly behaviour, but it's been a bugger of a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 3:35 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Resignations and turmoil

In response to the Enoch-stylings of one time PPC Nigel Hastilow, Olly's Onions suggests that the Tories take advantage of the publicity and launch a poster campaign ... Fair Deal Phil has a look at what all this says about the real impact of Dave's shiny, shiny hair on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 8:49 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Engage brain THEN open mouth. Not t'other way.

BONG! Ben Brogan on the Nigel Hastilow resignation. Tip for Tories: claiming that Enoch Powell had a couple of good ideas is not the way to make friends and influence people. Here endeth the lesson. BONG! The Provisional BBC takes Davy's policy on birching the Scots to its logical conclusion.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Nov 2007 5:49 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

To the backdrop of the Moody Blues...

BONG! More trouble for Ian Blair as news filters through that his hypothetical resignation would not be accepted, in advance of another report on the Stockwell shooting. BONG! David Cameron's apparent love of gas-guzzling, environmentally unfriendly, carbon footprint-creating, large, posh vehicles to follow him around as he delivers lectures on how… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Nov 2007 6:30 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Of Kings and knaves

Parliament went into prorogation on Tuesday, but that didn't mean it wasn't a week packed full of uproar beginning on Monday with the visit of King Abdullah and concluding when the verdict of the de Menezes shooting came in on Thursday and the backlash against Ian Blair started in earnest.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Nov 2007 12:25 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Huhne and Nicky: they're BOTH winners!

Making up your mind is a difficult call for Liberal Democrat members at the best of times but when asked to choose between Nicky (doesn't like the bomb very much) and Huhne (doesn't like the bomb very much at all), the situation is has just unbearable for some. That's probably… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 11:00 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Unleash the dogs of war

The de Menezes verdict is the big story this morning. The Times examines the nineteen police failures that led to the shooting, the Telegraph looks at the "sickening" rumours the Met circulated, and Pickled Politics questions the logic of a fine as a punishment - a tab which will… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 5:55 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Oh, Mr Cameron!

News for the ladies: Westmonster hears that Davy Cameron was very masterful when he met with King Abdullah yesterday over the issue of Saudi-funded hate literature in British mosques. Be still our heaving bosoms, eh? The Gord, on the other hand, spent his time with His Maj WUSSING OUT of talking about… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 7:55 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Handbagging at 4pm

BONG! The LibDem leadership contest is officially ON! Nominations closed at 4pm today and the unseemly bitchslapping between the only two candidates commenced almost immediately. Nicky Clegg gave an interview to the Telegraph outlining how Chris Huhne is a receding hairline away from being exactly like David Cameron, whilst Huhne contended that his advanced… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 7:29 PM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Chris Huhne”