Ministry for Fair Play

New plans may make dying easier...

The government has today unveiled new plans that will give the dying amongst us more choices about how we go. From now on, if the £286m three-year project proves to be successful, dying Britons will be able to cash their chips in 'familiar surroundings' (such as down their local Tesco… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jul 2008 3:16 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Gordon Brown to solve oil problems...

Gordon Brown is to head to Jeddah in order to talk about rising oil prices. The Guardian. The Times. Tanker drivers are due to start a four day strike today. Panic buying of petrol is expected. The Guardian. The Telegraph. Ministers have announced plans to allow popular schools to take… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 Jun 2008 7:55 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Shady Deals

Smokers to be impotent perverts...

More good news for you dirty cigarette smokers: it appears that plans will be announced by the government this week to get even tougher on the availability of cigarettes by encouraging vendors to sell smokes from under the counter only (a la some pervy magazine), completely banning vending machines, and… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:42 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

The lights are on but no one's home...

Despite earlier reports that he might be going somewhere, Gordon Brown has managed to instill a sense of fear and confusion into the minds of the masses by revealing that he is planning something called a 'two-year fight back campaign'. The long and short of it will be that he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:18 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Has Lansley knackered Osborne?

The Tories are still in a mess over Andrew Lansley's unagreed hospital pass on spending yesterday, with George Osborne talking cuts in other places, explicitly, for the first time: In a speech yesterday the Shadow Chancellor confirmed that health increases would be funded by cuts elsewhere but said that the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Feb 2008 8:15 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Bedside manner needs work

Ah, the British Medical Association. Is it a union? A club? A whinge-chamber? And how does it continue to exist, given that its single historic achievement was a failed attempt to prevent the creation of the National Health Service, which we're continually told is Cherished By All Of Us? Now… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Feb 2008 8:48 AM. Permalink

Department of Doublespeak

You say sleazy, I say sleazy

The blue-bloods are up in arms! Tim Montgomerie's blue-and-blue army at ConservativeHome are enraged by the failure to kick Derek Conway out of the Commons and remove the whip, and their fury is only going to be enriched by the revelation that Conway may have given another 32 grand to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Jan 2008 8:43 AM. Permalink

Bag carrying

Admins = accidents waiting to happen

We at Westmonster don't want to add to the media frenzy around party funding, added to over the weekend by revelations about Alan Johnson. All we will say on the matter is that this is a result of the law of unintended consequences, and the best thing for all concerned… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Jan 2008 9:06 AM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for making Alistair Campbell roll his eyes

Welcome to Fat Fighters™

Sigh. We at Westmonster are growing weary of writing stories about the political tone-deafness of this government. Whilst the Tories take control of the political agenda, sound ever more sensible by the day, and feature a leader who's making transparent appeals to specific (and powerful) voting constituencies, Gordon Brown's government… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 24 Jan 2008 9:57 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Balls Up, Smith Down

BONG! Ed Balls releases his Children's Plan: foreign languages! adventure playgrounds! personal tutors! And some stuff about how video games are bad for you (boo!). BONG! Gordon IS going to Lisbon, but only for the private-sardine-dinner-and-EU-Treaty-signing-without-cameras. BONG! The public don't want it, the Commons don't want it, the terrorists don't… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Dec 2007 5:53 PM. Permalink

Ministry for telling us it's all okay

Alan Johnson: There is no anti-Brown plot. Promise!

Alan Johnson denies plot to oust Brown, says The Guardian. Two prime ministers in one year is plenty. Why would anyone want to oust Broon? Well, the article comes up with a few reasons: Recent difficulties over ailing bank Northern RockLoss of child benefit computer discs Unlawful donations to Labour… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 7 Dec 2007 4:21 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

"I go away for a couple of days ..."

Imagine the scene. You're a Prime Minister who has to leave the country to partake of tea, cucumber sandwiches, and pointless diplomacy with Brenda in Africa for a week. You leave a "to do" list pinned to the fridge, a list of emergency numbers by the phone, and stress to Alan Johnson… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 9:31 AM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Feeling festive, people?

Jingle bells, jingle bells! Rejoice, for the Annual Panic over the yet-to-happen flu pandemic is in its early stages, which means that Christmas is juuust around the corner. From the Guardian: The health secretary, Alan Johnson, yesterday announced a dramatic increase in plans to combat pandemic flu, committing the government… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 1:01 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Silly Lists

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron?

We've had quick squiz over what is loosely referred to here at Westmonster as our "reporting" over the past week, and have been shocked at the high volume of Government-in-the-brown-stuff style stories. Lest it be doubted - we believe that this administration is just the sort of very-British crack-squad that this country needs to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 4:57 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Let Them Eat Chips

The Government hit back today at fat tongued mockney Jamie Oliver, over his claims that bungling from Number Ten is responsible for the fall in take-up of the new school menus. "The fact is that eight year olds are less interested in organic wild mushrooms on a bed of penne… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 11:30 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Play nicely, boys

BONG! Dizzy reports that Lord Malloch-Brown has been given first dibs on the accommodation train set. BONG! And the prize for the most evocative phrase of the day goes to Mr Eugenides for this post on the recent "obesity is society's fault" stylings of Alan Johnson. Mr Eugenides: "Well, wake up… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 5:21 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

And they're off!

BONG! Chris Huhne has made an early break for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats. Don't worry kids, only another two months of this excitement to go! BONG! Health Secretary Alan Johnson with good news for fatties everywhere: apparently it's not our fault! Yeah! Let's all spend our days eating… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 5:26 PM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Someone to watch over me

There's a palpable sense here that, given Brown made his keynote speech yesterday, Conference is all over bar the shouting. Nevertheless, this hasn't stopped Gord making his presence felt. As Johnson delivered his address to Conference this morning, Brown sat stony-faced behind him like a terrifyingly corporeal Banquo's ghost. Conscious, perhaps,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Sep 2007 12:42 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Making a clean breast of it

Political betting on the newspapers' reaction to the address of Gord, in which Westmonster senses a tremor in the Force. Is the Sun's love-in with Labour coming to an end? Speaking of the Sun, this doughty defender of national sovereignty took its campaign to Bournemouth yesterday. The message: we want a referendum!… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Sep 2007 10:55 AM. Permalink

Westmonster: “Alan Johnson”