July 2008 Archives

Ministry for Change

UK needs the Japanese 'Koban'...

Plans for a new policing 'Green Paper' were unveiled today. Lauded by Gordon Brown for the amount of bureaucracy that they will cut down on, it is expected that the move will result in the boys in blue spending more time patrolling our streets and less time messing around with… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: E-mail Database

A massive four people took part in the Westmonster lunchtime poll yesterday - more than the number of votes received by Labour in the last by-election, and quadruple the number of partners enjoyed by sexpot Anne Widdecombe. We rock! If you've forgotten (or just don't care), we asked you whether… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to jump ship...

Crime rates are expected to soar as the economy deteriorates. The Guardian. Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling have decided that England should borrow its way out of the economic crisis. The Times. Al Gore has challenged Americans to give up fossil fuels within the next ten years. BBC. Plans for… read more…
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Ministry for Devolution

Cherie Blair to open literary festival...

Sexy literary genius Cherie Blair is set to take the book publishing world by storm as she prepares to make a special guest appearance at West Yorkshire's Ilkley Literature Festival. The wife of former PM Tony Blair will officially open the event before giving lucky punters an exclusive insight into… read more…
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Ministry for Mindfucks

Knife crime better than last year...

Official figures released today suggest that the current panic surrounding the ostensible rise in knife crime has more to do with an increase in news reports than actual incidents involving knives. The British Crime Survey, which acquires figures via interviews with members of the public, claims that, despite the popular… read more…
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Ministry for Wishful Thinking

Asbestos back on the menu...

Good news or bad news (depending on how you look at it), but it seems that all visitors to the Houses of Parliament are exposing themselves not only to dangerously high levels of hubris and tedium - but also to dangerous levels of asbestos. According to the Guardian, peers and… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Sex education

Well, our lunchtime poll had to take a break yesterday - a monumental national event which sent the country into a spiral of confusion. Don't worry, kids: we're back. Last time we wanted to know whether British readers were pinning their hopes on Barack Obama in the upcoming US… read more…
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Ministry for Clinging On

Random thoughts regarding popes and consumption...

Pope Benedict XYZ has joined the troupe of pontificating public figures to lash out at consumer culture. Speaking at a formal address before tens of thousands of young Australian Roman Catholics, the Holy One warned that natural resources were being squandered and that people were worshipping false idols in the… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to take a long walk off a short pier...

The U.S. looks like it has plans to establish a diplomatic presence in Iran sometime within the next month. BBC. Official figures suggest that incidents of knife crime in the UK over the last year have topped 22,000. The Telegraph. Whitehall has announced that it is to be the first… read more…
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Good, Bad And Mad

The Good, The Bad and The Mad: July 17

Three stories - one pleasing, one displeasing, and one just plain batshit. GOOD Gordon Brown wants to help inject some order and stability into the lawless Niger Delta region. The oil-rich lawless Niger Delta region. BAD Max Hastings writes possibly the most depressing column we've ever, ever read. MAD… read more…
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Ministry for Fair Play

New plans may make dying easier...

The government has today unveiled new plans that will give the dying amongst us more choices about how we go. From now on, if the £286m three-year project proves to be successful, dying Britons will be able to cash their chips in 'familiar surroundings' (such as down their local Tesco… read more…
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Ministry for Crime Fighting

To stab or not to stab*...

Posh Boris Johnson has confused thousands throughout the nation by blaming William Shakespeare for the recent wave of knife crime that has swept the nation. According to today's papers, the rotund London mayor expressed in his famously eloquent tones that knife crime should be seen as 'moronic' - not with… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to party like it's 1999...

David Cameron has called for U.S. style bankruptcy rules in a bid to protect the economy. The Times. US car firm General Motors has revealed that it is to cut jobs due to decreased sales. BBC. It looks like knife crime may not be just an English avocation but one… read more…
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Ministry for Fun and Games

Cowardly Tony scared of death threats...

Second Coming Middle East envoy Tony Blair has decided to cancel his peace spreading visit to Gaza after 'specific threats' were made against him. The planned trip would have been the highest-level diplomatic mission to the territory since the Hamas seized control of it about a year ago, though the… read more…
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Ministry for Change

Whitey not on the moon...

Back in 1969 a seminal hip hop group called The Last Poets released Whitey On The Moon. It was a reactionary piece that expressed the divisive nature of a society in which the American black man was still worrying about paying the rent, putting food on the table, or generally… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Britain backing Obama?

Yesterday we asked you whether age-old hate-figure/iconoclast Margaret Thatcher should be receiving a grandiose state funeral. The results were a lot closer than Westmonster initially expected - 43% of you reckoning that the Iron Lady should get that most public of send-offs, while 57% of you stating that you… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to quit...

Gordon Brown is to vacation in the English town of Southwold in Suffolk. Channel 4. Tony Blair is to visit Gaza for the first time in his new role as Middle East envoy. BBC. Jacqui Smith is wishing she had never said anything about knife offenders visiting people in A&E… read more…
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Good, Bad And Mad

The Good, The Bad and The Mad: July 15

Three categories, three news snippets. GOOD The dinosaur-ridden House Of Lords is due for a long overdue shake-up. BAD People everywhere are attacking Labour's speedy U-turn on their knife crime policy. MAD Brits abroad continue to make this nation proud.… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Thatcher's state funeral

So Clare Short really put the boot into Gordon Brown last week ... but if the PM is looking for support from you lot, he certainly isn't going to find it. According to Friday's lunchtime poll, the vast majority of you think that Short was absolutely justified in highlighting… read more…
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Good, Bad And Mad

The Good, The Bad and The Mad: July 14

Three story-shaped nuggets that are either joyful, woeful or ... erm ... madful. GOOD Britain is doing its bit for diplomatic relations by trying to defuse tension with Russia over the Alexander Litvinenko case. BAD Further depressing signs for the global economy - massive banking organisation IndyMac has been… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Clare Short vs Gordon Brown

Yesterday we asked you if you thought Iran represented a threat to worldwide peace. Unfortunately only a handful of you responded - the rest of you presumably too busy cowering in your missile shelters with your laptops clicked over to howtosurvivetheupcomingapocalypse.com. Anyway, those of you who did take part… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to start a riot...

The death rate after major surgery within NHS hospitals is three times as high as it should be. The Telegraph. David Davis won his by-election with a huge majority of 15,355 - maybe it would have been easier if he'd just moved office or something. BBC. Nick Clegg has been… read more…
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Good, Bad And Mad

The Good, The Bad and The Mad: July 11

It does what the headline says. GOOD Knife crime may not quite be the 'epidemic' many are claiming, says Sunny Hundal at The Guardian. BAD The SNP's Nicola Sturgeon reckons that poor people are pretty much screwed. MAD A couple of days old now, but so genuinely insane we… read more…
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Ministry for Taste and Decency

Prescott to front ambitious documentary...

Fans of secretly sensitive John Prescott will be delighted to hear that he is to front a BBC documentary that explores the British class system. Titled Prescott On Class the autumn season highlight has been described (by producers) as "BBC2's most ambitious single documentary ever". Even more excitingly, the show… read more…
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Ministry for Revolutions

Facebook to end knife crime...

The suits in Westminster, Whitehall to be precise, look like they've finally tapped into the well of secret knowledge that separates the clued-in from mere mortals. In the fight against youth knife crime it seems that it may finally have dawned upon campaigners that young Britons don't acquire information from… read more…
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Ministry for Clinging On

Bush to emit less gas...

Everybody's favourite simian of conversation, George W. Bush, managed to crack a few wry smiles from audiences in Japan last night by making a joke about his country's super-sized contributions to world pollution levels. As a final sayonara to Japanese leaders the saucy Texan quipped, "Goodbye from the world’s greatest… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: is Iran a threat?

The Tories think that people should be given cash incentives to recycle. You don't, however, with the results of yesterday's poll stating that 77% of you think that saving the planet is a good enough cause within itself. The other 23% would presumably like a cheeky fiver slipped into… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to despair...

Gordon Brown has insisted that he has much in common with Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights. The Guardian. Today apparently marks the 50th anniversary of the beloved parking meter. The Times. Ministers are to bribe people out of their apathy when it comes to local elections by offering them the chance… read more…
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Good, Bad And Mad

The Good, The Bad and The Mad: July 10

Three opposing sides of a news-flavoured triangle. GOOD Hazel Blears is on a crusade to rejuvenate local politics and strengthen communities. BAD According to Iain Dale, ITV has axed their last political show and have no plans to replace it. Still - there's always room for another series of… read more…
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Ministry of Cultural Hyperbole

Wales now officially invisible, says Wales

If any of you were thinking of walking the Offa's Dyke path this summer, you'd better be careful - chances are you could find yourself hurtling into a limbo-realm of non-existence as soon as you put one foot outside the English border. Why? Because it seems that Wales has… read more…
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Ministry for Apathy

David Davis: 'more famous, less liked'

Despite his resignation and campaign against the controversial 42 Day detention plans, the good people over at Politics Home have cobbled together some stats that reveal David Davis's staunch rebellion has been less than successful in swaying the public mindset. Or, as they put it: 'a total failure.' Careful… read more…
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Ministry for Crime Fighting

Superheroes fight for fathers' rights...

Comic book fans are anxious to discover if reports that Spiderman and Batman have joined forces by climbing on to the roof of home secretary Harriet Harman to fight for fathers' rights are true. If correct, it will be the second time this year that the two superheroes have made… read more…
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Ministry for Mashed Potato

NHS announces fat camps for chubby kids...

Though David Cameron yesterday asserted that the UK is quickly becoming a nation of fat slackers it seems that things may be looking up. According to reports, the NHS has resolved to solve the problem of child obesity via a 'pioneering initiative' that will see portly northern youngsters being sent… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Tory recycling plans

You bloody love the NHS, you lot. How do we know? Because you told us in yesterday's Lunchtime Poll, that's how - with 72% of you proclaiming that the health service was the pride of Britain and a measly 28% of you convinced that it's actually a load of… read more…
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Ministry for Mindfucks

Beverage aimed at idiots causes controversy...

Throughout the nation brain cell blazing youngsters, television executives, and those annoying mid-30 year olds that still think they're in university are picking at the broken cartilage between their nostrils in anticipation of an exciting new energy drink called Cocaine. Developed by an American company, the beverage, which sells itself… read more…
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Ministry for Mass Hysteria

Nature officially undesirable...

In these times of seeming social discord it could perhaps be argued that the one thing most people have in common is the desire to escape from it all. A quick look at the high street will tell you that our appetite for escapism has perhaps gotten a little out… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to bang your head against the wall...

Iran has test-fired its longest range missile - capable of hitting Israel - as a warning to the U.S. BBC. The Vatican isn't too happy with the Church of England's decision to allow women to be bishops. The Times. A new report has determined that errors within the benefits system… read more…
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Department for Wonkery

Tennis with Tony? That'll be ten grand, please

Tennis - officially the best sport in which overpaid public schoolboys yell 'aarrgh' all the time as though they're undergoing gastric surgery rather than just hitting a ball with a racket - has always been bereft of political presence. Until now. That's right: ex-PM Tony Blair has decided to… read more…
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Good, Bad And Mad

The Good, The Bad And The Mad: July 9

Shiny and new, this is. We bring you Westmonster's daily not-quite-unholy trinity of stories that fall into the following categories: good news, bad news and downright insane news, all handily linked-up for you good people to peruse. GOOD Oil crisis? Bah. We're all going to be just fine, says… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: is the NHS the 'pride of Britain'?

How do you normally spend your lunchtime? Sat at your desk, staring numbly at the spreadsheet in front of you, weeping silently into your Pot Noodle as you ponder the soul-crushing mediocrity of your day-to-day life? Well, boy oh boy - has Westmonster got a thirty-second diversion for you!… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to go tombstoning...

David Cameron has pointed out that modern British values are 'twisted'. The Guardian. Most Labour voters apparently consider Gordon Brown to be a loser. The Times. After the proposed ban, the U.S. government has decided to invest in 'safer' cluster bombs. Channel 4. The government has published a new report… read more…
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Ministry for Shots In The Foot

Food crisis summit has 19-course meal

Gordon Brown has already bellowed his instructions to the proles: no more wasting food. And while you're at it, none of that pesky overconsumption, either - we're going through hard times after all, and the huddled masses should be savouring every speck of chicken nugget and soggy oven chip… read more…
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Ministry for Change

Anglers OK in Cameron's eyes...

David Cameron has declared that he'd like to toughen up the UK's laws on knife crime. During an interview for the Sun, the Conservative leader stated that he believes anybody who is caught carrying a knife without lawful reason should automatically be jailed. Labour are also reported to be calling… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Google Street View...

It's been three days since our last grand attempt at political polling went online, and, with the epic response that we managed to garner, it's a testament to the Internet's durability that it didn't buckle under all the pressure. If you'd forgotten, we asked you what you thought of Boris… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to start smoking again...

Hospital staff have had to start wearing stab-proof vests in order to stand a chance of surviving the knife-riddled English night. The Guardian. Labour suffered another bout of confusion over the weekend, this time due to the Scottish by-election. ePolitix. Young people seem to becoming more Conservative in than they… read more…
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Documentary

Loose Change, 2nd Edition Recut

The BBC today seems to be getting more than a little excited about some of the 9/11 conspiracy theories that are to be found floating about the Internet. The pure scale and sprawling depth to which people, including U.S. Government workers and officials, are reportedly going to in order… read more…
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Ministry for Fair Play

New army hospital plans unveiled...

Defence Under Secretary Dereck Twigg is getting ready to unveil plans for a new military hospital ward for injured soldiers. If the plans are to go ahead, the Birmingham New Hospital, part of the University Hospital Birmingham NHS Foundation Trust, which manages the city's Selly Oak Hospital where the Royal… read more…
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Ministry for Profligates

The new adventures of Fudge Gordon...

Downing Street has been forced to deny accusations that Gordon Brown 'ducked' a vote on the reform of MPs expenses. According to his Tory enemies, Brown went 'AWOL' on the determinant vote, which, if passed, would have scrapped the controversial second home allowance. Instead, all that's really changed is… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Boris Johnson...

Legions of Westmonster readers came together yesterday to vote in what could be one of the most ground-shaking changes to the political scene in years. The Westmonster Shine Week poll attracted an impressive number of voters (9), 89% of whom decided that the Shine Week beloved so much by Ed… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to forget about it...

Gordon Brown has described his job as being the 'best in the world', suggesting that the nervous breakdown we were expecting may not be about to happen. The Guardian. The PM has also hinted that his plans for a 2p rise on fuel duty may be abandoned. The Guardian. The… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to start worrying...

Boris Johnson has been forced to launch an investigation into the inappropriate dealings of his deputy mayor, Ray Lewis. The Guardian. A report by Ernst & Young suggests that the average UK household is 15% worse of than five years ago. BBC. The British economy could be falling into an… read more…
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Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Shine Week...

Ladies and Gentleman, it's still Shine Week. If you're wondering what we're talking about, you should've read yesterday's post. Basically though, Ed Balls and Gordon Brown have decided that the dates of June 30th to 4th of July 2008 shall forever after be known as Shine Week. It's all part… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to keep on truckin'...

More than 50% of people surveyed said that they would support the proposed 'opt-out' scheme for organ donation. BBC. The Government has offered a £20,000 prize to anybody that can think of an innovative way for them to use the public data that it has amassed over the years. BBC.… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons to jack it all in...

The Tories have accused Gordon Brown of bribing his Labour minions in order to get the results that he wanted on 42 days. The Guardian. G8 countries have been accused of being too slow in the race against climate change. WWF. Oil prices have reached yet another new high, this… read more…
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Ministry for Interspecific Relations

Cameron gets with the Shine Week spirit...

David Cameron has found himself overcome by the festive spirit of Shine Week by hanging out with Simon Cowell at a children's party in celebration of 60 years of the NHS. The two were spotted having a jolly old time at Evelina Children’s Hospital in London whilst inspiring youngsters to… read more…
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Ministry for Made Up Numbers

London mayoral election missing 41,000 votes...

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of conspiracy, outrage, and disgust as it is revealed that the results of the London Mayoral election may have been incorrectly counted due to a problem with the voting machines!?!? Reports over at the Guardian suggest that technological deficiencies may have 'accidentally' led to the… read more…
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Ministry for Division

David and David make up...

Has David Cameron kissed and made up with ex-partner David Davis? The couple, who decided to go their separate ways last month after Davis revealed that he had fallen out of love with Cameron's 42 day detention policy, today hinted that their relationship could be back on. In a shock… read more…
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Ministry for Shining

Non-Sunbeam teaches kids to shine...

Gordon Brown and Ed Balls have blown critics of taste and decency out of the water by announcing that this week (June 30th to July 4th) is to go down in the history books as Shine Week. According to the Prime Ministerial website, the event doesn't involve the literal 'Shining'… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons we might not be...

Nelson Mandela has been removed from the US list of terror suspects. The Telegraph. Strikes by truck drivers in India suggest that we're not alone in this crazy, messed-up world. BBC. The European Commission has announced plans for cross-border healthcare system that would allow UK residents to seek treatment overseas.… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

10 reasons we're all fucked...

Barack Obama has said that he would continue to back Bush's scheme of involving religious groups in government initiatives. BBC. The Government's targets to build three million new homes by 2020 may not be enough to meet demand. ePolitix. Rising food prices have meant that one in five UK residents… read more…
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Ministry for Taste and Decency

Gordon Brown isn't a sunbeam...

Gordon Brown is still at risk of bankruptcy, according to recent reports, due to the £7.45m in unpaid debts that the Labour Party still has to contend with. Today marks the day that the debts are to either be reviewed or repaid, with added pressure coming in the form of… read more…
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Ministry for Anglophilia

American style border control to save our souls...

The Tories have renewed interest in the idea of a dedicated border police force, describing the current system as being inadequate. In a new report commissioned by former Metropolitan Police commissioner Lord Stevens, the case was put forward for a special force, complete with its own chief constable, to combat… read more…
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Ministry for Crowd Control

Smoking ban still annoying publicans...

A year on and still people are getting their knickers in a twist over the smoking ban. Despite reports (admittedly stinking of Government bias) claiming that up to 400,000 lives have been saved since the advent of the unpopular initiative, it seems that the landlords of this wonderful country, well,… read more…
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Ministry for Mindfucks

Polling station location may influence choices...

Scientists have suggested that the physical location of polling stations could have an adverse effect on the ways in which people vote in elections. So strong is the belief in the idea that calls for further research into the phenomenon have been requested to ensure that any unnecessary bias will… read more…
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Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Tesco goes political...

Tesco has stated that it is to stop sourcing products from Zimbabwe, due to the political crisis. BBC. Gordon Brown's 'once-in-a-generation' reform plans will make the NHS one of the best health systems in the world. ePolitix. Four Iraqi men are planning to sue U.S. military contractors after being tortured… read more…
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