Run before it's too late...

Rising food and oil prices are about to send the UK standard of living down to an abject level of depravity not last seen since the oil crisis of the 1970s and 1980s. Economists ( A.K.A the nerdy kids from high school who have managed to acquire an unsportsmanlike hubris thanks to their large salaries and plush London jobs) have today warned that things can only get better before they get any worse and that, as a generic spokesperson for economists summarised via text message, "UR FCKD M8". Dear, oh dear.

The warnings come after the Government's Office of National Statistics released 'absolutely horrendous' ~~ASCII pictures of Gordon Brown's penis~~ factory inflation figures, which showed that last month prices increased at the fastest rate since records began 22 years ago. This increase is expected to drain the disposable incomes of most families, as well as inspire the puppet masters at the Bank of England to up their interest rates before the year ends. As we replied in our text message to the generic spokesperson for economists: "H0LI FCKN SHT". We're all doomed, and there's nothing we can do about it.

The only advice that Westmonster can offer you is to get out whilst you still can. Go to Australia or France or even Japan. Other countries have a standard of living that is far superior to that of the UK, especially Australia which provides affordable housing, higher wages, and lower levels of crime, and, as long as you don't have a strong scally sounding accent, you'll be assimilated into the local culture with open arms. Plus the weather's guaranteed to be good, the chicks (or guys) are usually a few pounds lighter and sober long enough to not have to be carried into bed, and you can avoid that stuffy English version of repression that makes life in this country so unnecessarily austere.

Michael Saunders, chief UK economist at investment bank Citigroup, said: "This could hardly have come at a worse time. We've got these price pressures at the same time as the credit crunch and a housing collapse. Either one in isolation would be bad enough but to have them together is really tough."

This is only the beginning, it seems.

Photo: Flickr

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Jun 2008 1:10 PM. Permalink