Ministry for Change

Blair defends Brown...

Tony Blair has defended Gordon Brown's perceived ineptitude by stating that we were living in a 'tough time' for all world leaders in which members of the public were seeking domestic solutions to global problems, such as rising fuel and food prices. "The problems of many political leaders are driven… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 4:51 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

Bojo offers free transport to veterans...

Boris Johnson has joined the new wave of army loving politicians that wish to show their respect to war veterans. According to his website, any injured veterans in the capital, regardless of whether they live there or not, will be given free access to the city's transportation services, a motion… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 4:10 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cheapshots

'Terrified' Brown probably not bothered...

Cheeky David Davis has stated that the Prime Minister (Gordon Brown) is 'terrified' of voters for refusing to put a candidate to run in the upcoming by-election. Speaking at the official launch of his campaign this morning, the detention hating ex-shadow Chancellor accused Mr. Brown of having 'lost his nerve'.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 3:31 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No surprises as Tories take Henley...

The Tories won the Henley by-election, with Labour in fifth place. BBC. The Guardian. Nelson Mandela's birthday concert is taking place today in Hyde park. BBC. The State is to start taking action against five-year-olds that with criminal tendencies (thank you Jacqui Smith). The Times. Jack Straw has controversially admitted… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 7:53 AM. Permalink

Documentary

David Icke: Was he right?

If you were still reeling from the excitement of our earlier post on David Davis' new found by-election competition David Icke, here's something to really tickle your willy, a documentary about him and his lizard theories. We'll happily go on the record as labelling most of it to be… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 3:26 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Division

Another bishop abashed...

Those pesky liberals are always causing trouble for somebody, it seems. Be it the owners of factories employing child labour, racists, sexists, or homophobes, you can just about guarantee that some snot nosed punk will come crawling along and attempt to put a spanner in the works. If the Bishop… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 3:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Mass Appeal

Brown to follow through after pushing wind...

Gordon Brown has upped his eco credentials by pushing the expansion of wind power turbines throughout the nation. Over the coming decade, the £100bn plans will hopefully see that the UK becomes in leader of renewable energy, with a targeted 15% of its power coming from renewable sources by 2020.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 1:51 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

White guys finish last...

Home secretary Harriet Harman has announced controversial new plans that require companies to favour ethnic minorities and women when it comes to taking on new employees. The new Equalities Bill will also seek to stop pensioners being witheld NHS treatment because of their age and allow mothers to breastfeed their… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 12:17 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: MP's expenses

Another chance to pick your brains, then. Although not literally. That'd just be messy. We're going to stick within the financial realm today. Yesterday 58% percent of you revealed that you weren't really worried about the 'credit crunch' and all the meeja scare stories that surround it. 17% of… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 Jun 2008 12:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Mindfucks

David Davis may actually be a lizard...

Lizard loathing David Icke has joined the cast of eccentrics to crawl out of the woodwork and run against David Davis in the July 10th by-election. According to his website, the former TV presenter who achieved notoriety for propagating the idea that masked lizards secretly rule the world, will run… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 11:14 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Balls inspected...

Ed Balls has spent the past four months under investigation for his expenses. The Times. Yorkshire Post. North Korea is set to hand over a declaration of its nuclear activities. BBC. Reuters. The Government has been warned to take biosecurity more seriously. Yorkshire Post. Britain's top Asian policeman has accused… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 10:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Fun and Games

Facebook to improve education system...

To the delight of buck-toothed youngsters throughout the nation, a Government-backed report has claimed that social networking websites such as Facebook and Bebo should be used in school classrooms to boost pupils' literacy skills. Conducted by Childnet, an organisation that promotes Internet safety, the report officially stated that, "young people… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Jun 2008 1:08 PM. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Credit Crunch Blues

Well, our quest to determine the psychological make-up of Westmonster readers via the medium of 'polling' continues apace. Don't worry, though - we're not going to sell the results to a bunch of massive privacy-invading global corporations. Oh, okay ... maybe one or two massive privacy-invading global corporations. But… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Jun 2008 12:00 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

No Zimbabwe, man...

The U.S. Government has stated that it won't recognise the results of Friday's presidential election run-off in Zimbabwe. BBC. The Conservatives have reached another twenty year high in the polls. The Guardian. A Government-commissioned report has concluded that Britain is ill-prepared for a new flooding crisis. The Telegraph. Council workers… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Jun 2008 7:57 AM. Permalink

Department for Donors

Labour all set to go bust?

We've all got debts coming out of our ears - be they student loans, gas bills that you've sellotaped to the fridge for three months and ignored completely, or the owners of several local bars hunting you down and informing you that the tab you've been keeping for the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Jun 2008 12:00 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Campaign

Save the squirrels...

Is there anything fluffier than a squirrel? If there is we don't wanna know about it. In a shocking piece of news from the folks at ePolitix, Westmonster was disheartened to learn that a Conservative MP by the name of David MacLean has called for the mass cull of the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 4:08 PM. Permalink

Documentary

Teens hooked on porn...

The Government has announced new plans to prevent UK kids from becoming a simple bunch of miscreants, perverts, and terrorists with the assistance of a new £9m ad campaign promoting "e-safety". Plans will also involve the setting up of a council to deal with similar issues. Essentially, the campaign… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 3:27 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Body Swaps

David Cameron wants to be Boris Johnson...

Lucky David Cameron has managed to recruit Boris Johnson's former PR advisers, Inhouse PR, in order to deal with any media and communication issues that he may face in the future. Over the coming months, the company will promote a series of reports that will be used in the Conservative… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 1:23 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Is Gordon Brown doomed?

So. According to our poll the other day, 68 percent of Westmonster readers reckon that we should take immediate 'aggressive action' in Zimbabwe. Honestly - you're like Chuck Norris, you lot are. We've actually decided that we like harvesting your opinions, if you don't mind. So we're going to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 24 Jun 2008 12:00 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Shot in the arm...

A UN official has claimed that the Taleban made $100m (£50m) from the sale of opium in 2007. BBC. Energy bosses are preparing to justify their upcoming price increases to MPs. BBC. The ambulance service has admitted to losing a computer disk containing the personal information of a million 999… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 7:57 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Racist madness: another politician pipes up

We've seen a couple of silly remarks taking an axe to people's reputations of late - politicians who don't particularly harbour any racist inclinations but have said something distinctly ill-advised. Bringing up old slave plantation slang terms? Arguing that the black sector of the population can 'go home'? Fair… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Jun 2008 11:30 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Sweeping Things Under The Rug

Alistair Darling is here to stay, says Alistair Darling

Having just read Joshua Ferris's wonderful Then We Came To The End - a novel based entirely around the looming threat of redundancy - Westmonster has taken to envisaging a world in which literally every person has to continually beg and grovel to keep their job, much like Jack… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Jun 2008 11:14 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No money, no problems...

Chancellor Alistair Darling has urged UK citizens to accept pay rises only if they are in line with the Government's 2% inflation target. The Guardian. As predicted, Gordon Brown's emergency oil talks in Jeddah achieved about as much as a stale fart in an elevator. BBC. The Times. Eighteen police… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Jun 2008 8:00 AM. Permalink

Poll

Should the UN intervene in Zimbabwe?

Zimbabwe opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has pulled out of Friday's election, thereby handing power automatically to corrupt leader Robert Mugabe. He has also called on the UN to intervene and prevent further 'genocide' from blighting the nation. Foreign Secretary David Miliband has been customarily scathing about Mugabe's regime ... yet… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 Jun 2008 11:16 PM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Boris Johnson advisor quits after racist remark

Maybe in years to come - rather than being seen as the year in which spiralling fuel prices heralded the beginning of the collapse of civilisation - 2008 will go down in history as the year in which several politicians made absolute arses of themselves by slipping racist nonsense… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 Jun 2008 10:48 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Where's the beef?

South Korea and America are getting ever closer to making a 'beef deal'. BBC. Gordon Brown has been told to give UK cities more elected mayors. Channel 4. Ministers are to revisit the GM debate in order to discuss whether genetically modified crops will be able to combat the global… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 Jun 2008 6:09 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: Andy Burnham fiasco

Liberty leader Shami Chakribarti has excelled herself in terms of self-righteousness by accusing Culture Secretary Andy Burnham of launching a smear campaign against her. Burnham made a couple of vaguely-sarcastic, fairly ill-advised remarks concerning the relationship between Chakribatri and MP David Davis - previously political polar opposites who had… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 11:38 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Official government line: don't panic, even though we are all doomed

The economy has been big news of late - or rather the shivering, frail, wheezing husk of a thing that was once labelled an economy. Rising fuel prices, soaring energy bills, increased general cost of living ... there are more ominous stormclouds than Alabama tornado season, and right now… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 11:24 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Boris Johnson confused by Olympics

The 2012 London Olympics are getting closer with every day! Woo-hoo! Aren't you excited about seeing a bunch of overpaid school-sports-day throwbacks take part in a series of arbitrary tasks which will then determine who gets to stand on a podium with a shiny medal and smile a bit,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 11:04 PM. Permalink

Green at the Gills

Recycling 'incentives' on the way

Sometimes the knowledge that you're helping to preserve valuable resources and do your bit to save the planet just isn't enough, is it? Let's face it: what would make recycling really rewarding is if you were handed a crisp £50 note as soon as you'd shuffled your way down… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 10:43 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Blah blah blah expenses again...

The English are pretty good at tolerating unnecessary nuisances. Take the bad weather, for example; snow in the middle of June is about as big of a pain in the ass as even the most robustly callipygian of us could handle. Or what about the rising gas and electricity prices… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 12:46 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

More balls from Balls...

Education secretary Ed Balls has sworn to empower teachers who have issues disciplining unruly kids due to the intervention of something called 'parents'. Apparently, there is still the odd fruit-loop floating about who feels that just because they helped to gestate and raise a child it gives them some sort… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 11:14 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Devolution

Yes we can (unless you're Muslim)...

Two Muslim women were barred from sitting behind a podium that Barrack Obama was making a speech on in Detroit on Monday. Dressed in their traditional headscarves, volunteers working for the Democratic campaign were concerned that having them appear behind Obama in photographs or on television would have a negative… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 10:22 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The future's not orange...

The orange abomination that is fake tan has been banned from Royal Ascot. BBC. It was discovered that an average of eight new laws come into effect each day in the UK. The Times. David Cameron has questioned Gordon Brown about the command structure in Afghanistan after the deaths of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 8:34 AM. Permalink

Celebrity Cabinet

G8 aid a 'disgrace', say all-knowing pop stars

Westmonster has to admit: we were a little cynical about the overall effectiveness of 2005's Live 8 concert. That is, until we heard the glorious news: that as soon as Razorlight had finished performing their top ten hit Golden Touch, literally every child in Africa awoke to find a… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 18 Jun 2008 11:08 PM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Corpsing in the commons

Laughter may be 'the best medicine', but it can also be your worst enemy, as this frankly magnificent clip of Streatham Labour MP Keith Hill goes to prove. Odd how a phrase such as 'short sea shipping' can trigger the humour gland so violently ...… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 18 Jun 2008 10:58 PM. Permalink

Documentary

Zeitgeist, The Movie...

All this talk of religion, weapons, and September 11th has reminded us of a documentary that we once watched called Zeitgeist. Released in June 2007, the movie examines some of the most controversial issues that face modern society, particularly those of social control via the media and through religious… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 4:59 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

Labour definitely not running against Davis...

Labour today confirmed that they won't be running against cheeky David Davis in the by-election forced by his resignation last week, despite his calling Gordon Brown 'gutless' for not even thinking about competing. The announcements were made after Davis formally resigned as the Conservative's shadow home secretary, in a move… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 4:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Loving Thine Enemy

Church still scared of homosexuality...

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, and the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, are in the news today after it was revealed that they got a little too high on a bottle of Holy Wine that they stole from the cellars at York cathederal, realised how much they… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 3:24 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Congratulations all round...

Well, congratulations UK, we're officially the biggest hypocrites on the planet. After years of seeking out terrorists, weapons of mass destruction, and evil regimes, it turns out that the UK is actually the world's biggest exporter of arms. According to UK Trade and Investment (UKTI), UK arms dealers added £9.7… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 2:40 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Division

McCain and the modern insult...

The John McCain team has allowed its wrinkled lips to utter what must surely be one of the greatest insults of the modern age by referring to rival Barack Obama as "a perfect manifestation of a September 10th mind-set". The criticism came yesterday whilst McCain's Republican campaign criticised Obama for… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 1:55 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

North grimmer than expected...

People living in the North are more likely to get cancer than those down South. The Times. The U.S. military has been criticised by senators over its strict interrogation policy. BBC. Shell tanker drivers have called off their second strike after reaching payment negotiations. The Guardian. MPs will this week… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 7:59 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: more Labour security mishaps

One can't help but wonder whether the government presently operates with the jingly-jangly music of a 1920s slapstick film running on permanent loop in the background. Not only have we recently seen cases in which top-secret documents were left on a train, but now it transpires that Communities Secretary… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 11:25 PM. Permalink

Questions, Answers and Avoidance

UK business not too keen on child labour

Ethical shopping is all the rage nowadays, with literally every self-respecting middle-class Stoke Newington resident bundling their dog into a jacket and heading down to Fresh 'N' Wild to grab a bag of Grandma Earth's Ultra-Organic Purity Lentils (Now With 10% Added Smugness). Quite easy to be sceptical about… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 11:09 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

getting down wiv da kidz Dept.

Government to create maths teacher army

If there's one thing that Westmonster really needed at primary school - apart from Thatcher to bring the free milk back and for Percy Jackson from Year 3 to stop stealing our Ghostbusters Panini stickers - it was for a kindly teacher to take us to one side and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 10:36 PM. Permalink

June 2008 Archives