Ministry for Change

Blair defends Brown...

Tony Blair has defended Gordon Brown's perceived ineptitude by stating that we were living in a 'tough time' for all world leaders in which members of the public were seeking domestic solutions to global problems, such as rising fuel and food prices. "The problems of many political leaders are driven… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 4:51 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

Bojo offers free transport to veterans...

Boris Johnson has joined the new wave of army loving politicians that wish to show their respect to war veterans. According to his website, any injured veterans in the capital, regardless of whether they live there or not, will be given free access to the city's transportation services, a motion… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 4:10 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cheapshots

'Terrified' Brown probably not bothered...

Cheeky David Davis has stated that the Prime Minister (Gordon Brown) is 'terrified' of voters for refusing to put a candidate to run in the upcoming by-election. Speaking at the official launch of his campaign this morning, the detention hating ex-shadow Chancellor accused Mr. Brown of having 'lost his nerve'.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 3:31 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No surprises as Tories take Henley...

The Tories won the Henley by-election, with Labour in fifth place. BBC. The Guardian. Nelson Mandela's birthday concert is taking place today in Hyde park. BBC. The State is to start taking action against five-year-olds that with criminal tendencies (thank you Jacqui Smith). The Times. Jack Straw has controversially admitted… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 Jun 2008 7:53 AM. Permalink

Documentary

David Icke: Was he right?

If you were still reeling from the excitement of our earlier post on David Davis' new found by-election competition David Icke, here's something to really tickle your willy, a documentary about him and his lizard theories. We'll happily go on the record as labelling most of it to be… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 3:26 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Division

Another bishop abashed...

Those pesky liberals are always causing trouble for somebody, it seems. Be it the owners of factories employing child labour, racists, sexists, or homophobes, you can just about guarantee that some snot nosed punk will come crawling along and attempt to put a spanner in the works. If the Bishop… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 3:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Mass Appeal

Brown to follow through after pushing wind...

Gordon Brown has upped his eco credentials by pushing the expansion of wind power turbines throughout the nation. Over the coming decade, the £100bn plans will hopefully see that the UK becomes in leader of renewable energy, with a targeted 15% of its power coming from renewable sources by 2020.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 1:51 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

White guys finish last...

Home secretary Harriet Harman has announced controversial new plans that require companies to favour ethnic minorities and women when it comes to taking on new employees. The new Equalities Bill will also seek to stop pensioners being witheld NHS treatment because of their age and allow mothers to breastfeed their… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 12:17 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: MP's expenses

Another chance to pick your brains, then. Although not literally. That'd just be messy. We're going to stick within the financial realm today. Yesterday 58% percent of you revealed that you weren't really worried about the 'credit crunch' and all the meeja scare stories that surround it. 17% of… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 Jun 2008 12:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Mindfucks

David Davis may actually be a lizard...

Lizard loathing David Icke has joined the cast of eccentrics to crawl out of the woodwork and run against David Davis in the July 10th by-election. According to his website, the former TV presenter who achieved notoriety for propagating the idea that masked lizards secretly rule the world, will run… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 11:14 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Balls inspected...

Ed Balls has spent the past four months under investigation for his expenses. The Times. Yorkshire Post. North Korea is set to hand over a declaration of its nuclear activities. BBC. Reuters. The Government has been warned to take biosecurity more seriously. Yorkshire Post. Britain's top Asian policeman has accused… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 Jun 2008 10:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Fun and Games

Facebook to improve education system...

To the delight of buck-toothed youngsters throughout the nation, a Government-backed report has claimed that social networking websites such as Facebook and Bebo should be used in school classrooms to boost pupils' literacy skills. Conducted by Childnet, an organisation that promotes Internet safety, the report officially stated that, "young people… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Jun 2008 1:08 PM. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Credit Crunch Blues

Well, our quest to determine the psychological make-up of Westmonster readers via the medium of 'polling' continues apace. Don't worry, though - we're not going to sell the results to a bunch of massive privacy-invading global corporations. Oh, okay ... maybe one or two massive privacy-invading global corporations. But… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Jun 2008 12:00 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

No Zimbabwe, man...

The U.S. Government has stated that it won't recognise the results of Friday's presidential election run-off in Zimbabwe. BBC. The Conservatives have reached another twenty year high in the polls. The Guardian. A Government-commissioned report has concluded that Britain is ill-prepared for a new flooding crisis. The Telegraph. Council workers… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Jun 2008 7:57 AM. Permalink

Department for Donors

Labour all set to go bust?

We've all got debts coming out of our ears - be they student loans, gas bills that you've sellotaped to the fridge for three months and ignored completely, or the owners of several local bars hunting you down and informing you that the tab you've been keeping for the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Jun 2008 12:00 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Campaign

Save the squirrels...

Is there anything fluffier than a squirrel? If there is we don't wanna know about it. In a shocking piece of news from the folks at ePolitix, Westmonster was disheartened to learn that a Conservative MP by the name of David MacLean has called for the mass cull of the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 4:08 PM. Permalink

Documentary

Teens hooked on porn...

The Government has announced new plans to prevent UK kids from becoming a simple bunch of miscreants, perverts, and terrorists with the assistance of a new £9m ad campaign promoting "e-safety". Plans will also involve the setting up of a council to deal with similar issues. Essentially, the campaign… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 3:27 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Body Swaps

David Cameron wants to be Boris Johnson...

Lucky David Cameron has managed to recruit Boris Johnson's former PR advisers, Inhouse PR, in order to deal with any media and communication issues that he may face in the future. Over the coming months, the company will promote a series of reports that will be used in the Conservative… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 1:23 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Poll

Lunchtime Poll: Is Gordon Brown doomed?

So. According to our poll the other day, 68 percent of Westmonster readers reckon that we should take immediate 'aggressive action' in Zimbabwe. Honestly - you're like Chuck Norris, you lot are. We've actually decided that we like harvesting your opinions, if you don't mind. So we're going to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 24 Jun 2008 12:00 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Shot in the arm...

A UN official has claimed that the Taleban made $100m (£50m) from the sale of opium in 2007. BBC. Energy bosses are preparing to justify their upcoming price increases to MPs. BBC. The ambulance service has admitted to losing a computer disk containing the personal information of a million 999… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Jun 2008 7:57 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Racist madness: another politician pipes up

We've seen a couple of silly remarks taking an axe to people's reputations of late - politicians who don't particularly harbour any racist inclinations but have said something distinctly ill-advised. Bringing up old slave plantation slang terms? Arguing that the black sector of the population can 'go home'? Fair… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Jun 2008 11:30 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Sweeping Things Under The Rug

Alistair Darling is here to stay, says Alistair Darling

Having just read Joshua Ferris's wonderful Then We Came To The End - a novel based entirely around the looming threat of redundancy - Westmonster has taken to envisaging a world in which literally every person has to continually beg and grovel to keep their job, much like Jack… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Jun 2008 11:14 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No money, no problems...

Chancellor Alistair Darling has urged UK citizens to accept pay rises only if they are in line with the Government's 2% inflation target. The Guardian. As predicted, Gordon Brown's emergency oil talks in Jeddah achieved about as much as a stale fart in an elevator. BBC. The Times. Eighteen police… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Jun 2008 8:00 AM. Permalink

Poll

Should the UN intervene in Zimbabwe?

Zimbabwe opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has pulled out of Friday's election, thereby handing power automatically to corrupt leader Robert Mugabe. He has also called on the UN to intervene and prevent further 'genocide' from blighting the nation. Foreign Secretary David Miliband has been customarily scathing about Mugabe's regime ... yet… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 Jun 2008 11:16 PM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Boris Johnson advisor quits after racist remark

Maybe in years to come - rather than being seen as the year in which spiralling fuel prices heralded the beginning of the collapse of civilisation - 2008 will go down in history as the year in which several politicians made absolute arses of themselves by slipping racist nonsense… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 Jun 2008 10:48 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Where's the beef?

South Korea and America are getting ever closer to making a 'beef deal'. BBC. Gordon Brown has been told to give UK cities more elected mayors. Channel 4. Ministers are to revisit the GM debate in order to discuss whether genetically modified crops will be able to combat the global… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 Jun 2008 6:09 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: Andy Burnham fiasco

Liberty leader Shami Chakribarti has excelled herself in terms of self-righteousness by accusing Culture Secretary Andy Burnham of launching a smear campaign against her. Burnham made a couple of vaguely-sarcastic, fairly ill-advised remarks concerning the relationship between Chakribatri and MP David Davis - previously political polar opposites who had… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 11:38 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Official government line: don't panic, even though we are all doomed

The economy has been big news of late - or rather the shivering, frail, wheezing husk of a thing that was once labelled an economy. Rising fuel prices, soaring energy bills, increased general cost of living ... there are more ominous stormclouds than Alabama tornado season, and right now… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 11:24 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Boris Johnson confused by Olympics

The 2012 London Olympics are getting closer with every day! Woo-hoo! Aren't you excited about seeing a bunch of overpaid school-sports-day throwbacks take part in a series of arbitrary tasks which will then determine who gets to stand on a podium with a shiny medal and smile a bit,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 11:04 PM. Permalink

Green at the Gills

Recycling 'incentives' on the way

Sometimes the knowledge that you're helping to preserve valuable resources and do your bit to save the planet just isn't enough, is it? Let's face it: what would make recycling really rewarding is if you were handed a crisp £50 note as soon as you'd shuffled your way down… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 19 Jun 2008 10:43 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Blah blah blah expenses again...

The English are pretty good at tolerating unnecessary nuisances. Take the bad weather, for example; snow in the middle of June is about as big of a pain in the ass as even the most robustly callipygian of us could handle. Or what about the rising gas and electricity prices… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 12:46 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

More balls from Balls...

Education secretary Ed Balls has sworn to empower teachers who have issues disciplining unruly kids due to the intervention of something called 'parents'. Apparently, there is still the odd fruit-loop floating about who feels that just because they helped to gestate and raise a child it gives them some sort… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 11:14 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Devolution

Yes we can (unless you're Muslim)...

Two Muslim women were barred from sitting behind a podium that Barrack Obama was making a speech on in Detroit on Monday. Dressed in their traditional headscarves, volunteers working for the Democratic campaign were concerned that having them appear behind Obama in photographs or on television would have a negative… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 10:22 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The future's not orange...

The orange abomination that is fake tan has been banned from Royal Ascot. BBC. It was discovered that an average of eight new laws come into effect each day in the UK. The Times. David Cameron has questioned Gordon Brown about the command structure in Afghanistan after the deaths of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 Jun 2008 8:34 AM. Permalink

Celebrity Cabinet

G8 aid a 'disgrace', say all-knowing pop stars

Westmonster has to admit: we were a little cynical about the overall effectiveness of 2005's Live 8 concert. That is, until we heard the glorious news: that as soon as Razorlight had finished performing their top ten hit Golden Touch, literally every child in Africa awoke to find a… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 18 Jun 2008 11:08 PM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Corpsing in the commons

Laughter may be 'the best medicine', but it can also be your worst enemy, as this frankly magnificent clip of Streatham Labour MP Keith Hill goes to prove. Odd how a phrase such as 'short sea shipping' can trigger the humour gland so violently ...… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 18 Jun 2008 10:58 PM. Permalink

Documentary

Zeitgeist, The Movie...

All this talk of religion, weapons, and September 11th has reminded us of a documentary that we once watched called Zeitgeist. Released in June 2007, the movie examines some of the most controversial issues that face modern society, particularly those of social control via the media and through religious… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 4:59 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

Labour definitely not running against Davis...

Labour today confirmed that they won't be running against cheeky David Davis in the by-election forced by his resignation last week, despite his calling Gordon Brown 'gutless' for not even thinking about competing. The announcements were made after Davis formally resigned as the Conservative's shadow home secretary, in a move… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 4:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Loving Thine Enemy

Church still scared of homosexuality...

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, and the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, are in the news today after it was revealed that they got a little too high on a bottle of Holy Wine that they stole from the cellars at York cathederal, realised how much they… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 3:24 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Congratulations all round...

Well, congratulations UK, we're officially the biggest hypocrites on the planet. After years of seeking out terrorists, weapons of mass destruction, and evil regimes, it turns out that the UK is actually the world's biggest exporter of arms. According to UK Trade and Investment (UKTI), UK arms dealers added £9.7… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 2:40 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Division

McCain and the modern insult...

The John McCain team has allowed its wrinkled lips to utter what must surely be one of the greatest insults of the modern age by referring to rival Barack Obama as "a perfect manifestation of a September 10th mind-set". The criticism came yesterday whilst McCain's Republican campaign criticised Obama for… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 1:55 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

North grimmer than expected...

People living in the North are more likely to get cancer than those down South. The Times. The U.S. military has been criticised by senators over its strict interrogation policy. BBC. Shell tanker drivers have called off their second strike after reaching payment negotiations. The Guardian. MPs will this week… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 18 Jun 2008 7:59 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: more Labour security mishaps

One can't help but wonder whether the government presently operates with the jingly-jangly music of a 1920s slapstick film running on permanent loop in the background. Not only have we recently seen cases in which top-secret documents were left on a train, but now it transpires that Communities Secretary… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 11:25 PM. Permalink

Questions, Answers and Avoidance

UK business not too keen on child labour

Ethical shopping is all the rage nowadays, with literally every self-respecting middle-class Stoke Newington resident bundling their dog into a jacket and heading down to Fresh 'N' Wild to grab a bag of Grandma Earth's Ultra-Organic Purity Lentils (Now With 10% Added Smugness). Quite easy to be sceptical about… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 11:09 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

getting down wiv da kidz Dept.

Government to create maths teacher army

If there's one thing that Westmonster really needed at primary school - apart from Thatcher to bring the free milk back and for Percy Jackson from Year 3 to stop stealing our Ghostbusters Panini stickers - it was for a kindly teacher to take us to one side and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 10:36 PM. Permalink

Serious Organised Crime and all that

Government to reward prisoners for escaping

If you've ever watched hit series Prison Break, you'd be forgiven for thinking that running away from jail is one big moodily-lit action-adventure interrupted by the occasional advert for Nuts magazine. For the 110 escaped convicts presently on the loose in the UK today (just to clarify: they didn't… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 10:19 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Retro-futurism

Futuristic car plans unveiled...

The future is all we've really got if you think about it. Which is why it's more than a little daunting that we should entrust it to a man like Gordon Brown who seems to think that 'good' means 'fines' and that 'better' means 'more'. It's really quite confusing. In… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 17 Jun 2008 11:55 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Change

Pigs have feelings too...

We should rue the pigs for, of all the animals, it is they whose name is most often taken in vain. Perhaps there is a portly woman walking down the street, for example, with her greasy fingers lovingly wrapped around a Cornish pasty. Or an overbearing male chauvinist pinching the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 17 Jun 2008 10:41 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown's imperial treasury eyed by Osborne...

George Osborne, the Conservative shadow chancellor, has announced plans to shrink Gordon Brown's imperial treasury. The Telegraph. UN officials have been given rare access to North Korea's countryside so that they can assess the severity of the country's food shortage. BBC. Refugee Week kicked off yesterday, though most people seem… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 17 Jun 2008 8:09 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Romanians elect dead mayor

Say what you want about the ever-more-floundering Gordon Brown - i.e. that he's a liability to his party and should step down immediately before further damage is caused, something like that - chances are you wouldn't go as far as to speculate that he'd be beaten in an election… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 1:06 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Lib Dem leader in racist outburst mayhem

Sticking to your guns can often be a good thing. It shows commitment, courage, stamina and integrity. If, however, people are calling for your resignation after you used a hugely offensive racial slur at a public meeting, it's probably for the best to admit your stupidity and graciously accept… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 12:50 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bush and Cameron: the not-at-all secret meeting

In yet further evidence that pretty much everyone in the world knows that Labour are lagging disastrously behind the Tories, George W. Bush thought it prudent to arrange a meeting with David Cameron while he was in the country. The practice of a visiting US President meeting opposition leaders… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 17 Jun 2008 12:28 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

Embarrassing jackets to fight crime...

In our age of product personalisation, social network self-promotion , and extreme fashion fastidiousness, it seems that the brainiacs in charge of the Labour Party's crime fighting division have finally managed to attune themselves with the collective conciousness of the UK's young offenders. Announced this morning, the Government's new plans… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 4:45 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Incongruity

Google ads need political filters?

Has Labour activist and Photoshop dilettante Chris Paul turned to the dark-side? If his Google Ads are to be believed then it certainly looks like it... Every time Westmonster has visited his site of recent we've been greeted with instruction of 'Don't Vote Labour'. When compared to the rest of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 12:20 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bush contemplates writing memoir...

When Westmonster first stumbled upon the confusing headline of "Bush contemplates writing memoir", we imagined an anthropomorphic and post-modern account of an unusually pensive species of flora: "I started life as a seed. Though my parents did their best to raise me, they seemed distant and emotionless, too rooted to… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 10:46 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Conservative lead increases...

The Conservative Party has increased its lead over Labour, a new poll reveals. ePolitix. A survey has revealed that Scots are twice as likely to commit either homicide or suicide than people from anywhere else in the UK. The Guardian. Truck drivers will today meet with Shell after 647 petrol… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 Jun 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Jacqui Smith forced to explain own ineptitude

We've all had the occasional memory slip - left the house without our wallet or phone, left the keys inside the car, walked into a room and forgot immediately the reason for doing so. It happens. Chances are, though - if you were carrying a set of documents that… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 15 Jun 2008 7:17 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Verdant Virtues

Conservatives promise to ban largely unknown drug

If Westmonster was to say the word 'khat' to you, chances are you'd either assume a) that we'd lost our ability to spell the common term for the domestic Felis Catus, or b) we were describing some girl called 'Catherine' who'd moved to Shoreditch and decided to write her… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 15 Jun 2008 6:52 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Close your eyes and let's pretend...

Oil has found itself to be even more newsworthy than usual today, what with the teamsters on strike and Gordon Brown planning to take an expensive sojourn down to Jeddah in an attempt to try and pull a few strings with Saudi oil chiefs. Whether or not he'll achieve anything… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 Jun 2008 1:20 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

Bojo to fly cattle class to China...

Boris Johnson yesterday announced that the Greater London Authority was to take a more frugal approach to Olympic spending than predecessor Ken Livingstone may have done if he'd remained in office. At a meeting with the Olympic Board he proclaimed that, under his management, the key priority regarding both the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 Jun 2008 10:59 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

Gotcha?

Ex Sun editor (1981 - 1993) and man of the people, Kelvin MacKenzie, looks like he might be in the running to challenge cheeky David Davis in the by-election triggered by yesterday's decision on 42 day detention. Speaking on Radio 4's today programme, Rubert Murdoch's old lapdog went on… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 Jun 2008 9:42 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Gordon Brown to solve oil problems...

Gordon Brown is to head to Jeddah in order to talk about rising oil prices. The Guardian. The Times. Tanker drivers are due to start a four day strike today. Panic buying of petrol is expected. The Guardian. The Telegraph. Ministers have announced plans to allow popular schools to take… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 Jun 2008 7:55 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: David Davis

So Shadow Home Secretary David Davis has resigned over the 42-day detention debacle, striving to force a by-election which he intends to fight on the issue (an election as yet at unspecified cost to the public, we may add). Here's what certain meeja outlets are ranting: - The Guardian… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 13 Jun 2008 3:12 AM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Stay off drugs, get a gift voucher

Incentives can be useful things, sometimes. Why, Westmonster doesn't know how our army of child-labour office cleaners would manage without their daily 5pm treat of an episode of Danger Mouse. Public health minister Dawn Primarolo is all too aware of this (the importance of incentives, that is, not the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 13 Jun 2008 2:42 AM. Permalink

Documentary

Santa's Workshop...

Inspired by a BBC report today that claims 4,000 Chinese babies have been blessed with the name of Aoyun, which means 'Olympic Games', Westmonster would like to present the documentary 'Santa's Workshop'. Detailing some of the working conditions inside Chinese factories, the piece, which lasts for just over half… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Jun 2008 3:17 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cash-ins

American campaign cola shows cultural differences...

An American manufacturer of soft drinks has decided to contribute to the tumult surrounding the presidential nominations by allowing customers to sate their thirsts via candidate inspired packaging. Though some would call the ploy nothing more than a cyncial cash-in on the world of current events (though not current enough… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Jun 2008 2:49 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Unity

It's grim down south...

Northerners everywhere are cracking a rare smile or two today after it was revealed that they are no longer the poorest and most dirty citizens of Her Majesty's nation. According to Channel 4 news , changes in the way that UK wealth has been distributed over the years now means… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Jun 2008 1:41 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Blithering Idiots

Opportunists propose existing Internet regulation...

Culture Secretary Andy Burnham has hinted that the Government will one day increase its hold over the Internet, particularly in the ways in which it censors the content that younger people have access to. In his dream for our online future, the boundaries between television and the Internet will become… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Jun 2008 12:16 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Espionage

Bumbling agents secretly lose on purpose...

Another day dawns and shatters another illusion as it does so. This time, it's our overly romantic ideas regarding espionage that have taken a bit of a bruising - especially our secretly-held belief that those working for the MoD or other Government defense agencies really are as suave and as… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Jun 2008 11:50 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Cameron seeks open discourse on Afghanistan...

David Cameron has called for a 'frank and candid assessment' of the UK's role in Afghanistan. ePolitix. A new report has insisted that British workers are just a bunch of morons when compared to east European migrants. The Guardian. The Times. Research has shown that one in ten Britons has… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 Jun 2008 7:47 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: Brown's 42 day victory

The big day has come and gone, and Gordon Brown must surely be shambling around, confused and bewildered, senses reeling with the bold unfamilar shock of a strange new feeling. It's called success, Gordon. But something tells Westmonster you'd better not get too attached to it. Why not? Because -… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 11 Jun 2008 11:09 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Break Ups

Painful break-up may stall Lib Dems...

Sexy Nick Clegg has been loved and left by his chief of spin after an emotional 15 month tryst. Jonny Oates, who had been spinning the words of the Lib Dem team since early last year, decided that he was still young enough to be playing the field and that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Jun 2008 1:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Replacements

Henley by-election nominations close today...

Does anybody really care about the Henley by-election? Or is its new found status as a player on the political news radar simply just another reflection of Boris Johnson's celebrity status? It seems that everything our favourite bouffant adorned London Mayor once touched or even breathed upon is to find… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Jun 2008 12:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Unexplained Activity

Did the MoD drive dolphins to sonic suicide?

Whilst we don't necessarily condone the propagation of conspiracy theories (except, of course, for that one about Elvis killing Princess Diana), we couldn't help but to become enthralled by the news that the Ministry of Defence are nothing more than a bunch of soulless dolphin killers. To be honest, we… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Jun 2008 10:19 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

From the cradle to the grave...

Poverty in the UK is getting worse, with 2.9 million children living below the poverty line, and 2.5 million pensioners. The Guardian. The Times. ePolitix. The International Energy Agency has lowered its forecasts for this year's global oil demand due to price increases. IHT. A poll for The Times has… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 11 Jun 2008 7:56 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Run before it's too late...

Rising food and oil prices are about to send the UK standard of living down to an abject level of depravity not last seen since the oil crisis of the 1970s and 1980s. Economists ( A.K.A the nerdy kids from high school who have managed to acquire an unsportsmanlike hubris… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Jun 2008 1:10 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Police unveil controversial new targets...

A policeman has been shot dead by a colleague during a firearms training exercise. The Times. Former Conservative Leader, Michael Howard, has become the new boss of racecourse group Northern Racing. The Guardian. MPs have criticised a group of former MoD staff for behaving dishonourably after they managed to earn… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 10 Jun 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: Labour's latest poll disaster

Ignore what Forrest Gump said about life being 'like a box of chocolates.' Life is more like your local independent grocery store: it's overshadowed by market influences and nearer to closure with every passing day. A depressing thought, sure, but we're just helping the Labour-voting readers out there to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 10 Jun 2008 12:25 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

Cameron gets tough on hypothetical sleaze

D-Cam and the blue brigade may be storming ahead in the opinion polls of late, but it isn't all summer-blue skies just yet (now, how's that for a mixed metaphor?). Cameron is more than a little concerned about possible sleaze outbreaks among Tory representatives within the European Parliament. And… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 10 Jun 2008 12:03 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Regression

Jerk off Cameron may appear in monkey movie...

David Cameron is preparing to further his 1980s brand of cool credentials by doing the time-warp again. In a speech that he is due to make shortly, the Leader of the Opposition will profess a yen to place family at the heart of his Government policy - to be manifest… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 Jun 2008 9:03 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The kids aren't all right...

A new report has claimed that UK children are being demonised by the other members of society. BBC. Gordon Brown is set to lose on the 42-day detention plans. The Times. House prices are expected to fall by up to 50% over the next four years. The Guardian. There is… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 Jun 2008 7:53 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bush: one final tour of Europe

With all the fuss over the recently-resolved Obama/Clinton face-off, it's been pretty easy to forget the man who is all set to step down from his exalted White House position. Well, y'know, save for a few reminders like an inceasingly unstable global economy, spiralling oil prices and the vastly… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 8 Jun 2008 10:08 PM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Ken Livingstone's mysterious missing millions

Train-based alcohol ban aside, Boris Johnson has been keeping a remarkably low profile since his installation as Mayor of London a few weeks back. Theories have run rampant around the Westmonster office as to what he's been up to, and we managed to come up with two relatively convincing… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 Jun 2008 10:20 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Backbench Bitching

PM to entire party: 'agree with me on terror'

28 days or 42? That's the big question, isn't it? Just how long has Gordon Brown got left in office? Ah, we're just being cruel. Maybe Gord is actually learning lessons from his disastrous reign as Prime Minister so far. He does seem to have become a more communicative… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 Jun 2008 10:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Crime Fighting

Party over for celebrity drug users, says police chief

In a cultural climate in which even minor celebrities are increasingly untouchable (seriously, how long before we're all opening chapels dedicated to Barry Scott and passing laws that make it illegal not to look like Vernon Kay?) the head of the metropolitan police has decided that enough is enough.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 6 Jun 2008 5:44 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bad teeth on the rise...

Due to a government shake-up of the system, fewer people are visiting NHS dentists than they were a few years ago. The Times. A senior adviser of Barack Obama has stated that Britain must lead the world on prevention of bioterrorism. The Guardian. Shadow leader of the House, Theresa May,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 Jun 2008 7:51 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Taste and Decency

People getting uglier...

As if people weren't already ugly enough these days, it appears that, with a little inspiration from Margaret Thatcher, they could be about to get a whole lot worse. Iain Dale managed to point out on his blog yesterday that the plethora of Thatcher related documentaries and TV shows about… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 2:32 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Same shit different day...

The way that Westmonster currently views the political scene is as follows: on the Left we have the useless, on the Right are the artless and insincere, and in the middle hovers an ineffectual bunch of neophytes that nobody really ever listens to. Whereas we could no doubt sit around… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 1:07 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Nasal Sensationalism

Labour attempts to make best friend of Obama...

Despite their harbouring of secret wishes that their good friend Hillary could have been the one to cinch the US Democratic nomination, it appears that most high-profile Labour politicians, including Gordon Brown, have decided to take the plunge and prepare their noses for the long and arduous journey into the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 11:29 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Reverence

Archbishop of York doesn't like consumerism...

In the good old days it used to stand that politics and religion stood hand in hand like the sort of buck-toothed and incestuous lovers that you might expect to find rubbing each other out in the backwaters of Henley or somewhere. Few would be surprised to witness a member… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 9:25 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown cracks down on knife crime...

Gordon Brown has announced tough new laws on knife crime (probably in the hope that he won't be stabbed in the back as often). The Guardian. MPs and their generous expense accounts are still annoying the proletariat. The Times. A new law will allow cyclists to go the wrong way… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 Jun 2008 7:47 AM. Permalink

MP accuses BBC of attacking the Polish

If Westmonster had to choose a favourite MP right now, we'd probably opt for Shrewsbury and Atcham's own Daniel Kawczynski. Not only has he recently gotten into trouble for attempting to bring a cow to a protest, he's also the tallest MP in the House Of Commons - a… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 5 Jun 2008 12:55 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Crime Fighting

BoJo's knife crime solution: teach kids Latin

Westmonster was stabbed thirty-seven times on the way to the shops the other day. Luckily we'd invested in a blade-proof vest only hours previously, otherwise that dash to the corner shop to stock up our supplies of Irn Bru and Salt And Vinegar Space Raiders could have ended in… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 5 Jun 2008 12:28 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Smiths

There's nothing wrong with being normal...

If your surname is Smith, you live in a three-bedroom home called The Cottage on the High Street and like to vacation in Spain then, congratulations, you are pretty much as average as it gets - if the results of insurance data compilation are to be believed, that is. Norwich… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jun 2008 3:37 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Peers plan to build expensive tunnel...

Despite their differing political beliefs, it seems that there are still at least three things that MPs throughout the nation have in common regardless of status or creed: First of all, their egos are inflated to monumental proportions which in some way allows them to believe that they are as… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jun 2008 2:58 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Cheapshots

Covert council tax rattles cages...

Council Tax. There is nothing quite as vile, feudal or primitive in the whole world. It has all the charm of a malignant brain tumour or a boot in the crotch and, unfortunately for us, it is a disease in which the symptoms are only concentrated around a select area… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jun 2008 1:21 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Memories

UK tourists most popular in Europe...

A German newspaper has printed a guide on how to avoid British tourists when travelling abroad. BBC. Private firms could be called in to help a failing NHS if new plans unveiled today prove fruitful. BBC. MPs have warned that something called 'crash-for-cash' insurance fraud is on the rise. ePolitix.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 4 Jun 2008 7:57 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Media roundup: Clinton for Vice President?

So Hillary Clinton has essentially conceded defeat to opponent Barack Obama, but this may not spell the end for a politically active incarnation of Mrs. C - oooohh no, not with rumours circulating that Obama may decide to choose her as his Presidential running mate. Let's take a look… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 4 Jun 2008 12:13 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Lib Dem transport plan: 8p a kilometre, please

If you pay attention to the doomsayers - and in this miserable world of ours, doomsayers are often the ones you should be paying attention to - you'll know that the transport system in Britain is destined to collapse, and that those childhood dreams of cruising around on hoverboards… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Jun 2008 11:35 PM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Bird Flu back to ruffle feathers (but mainly kill birds)

When most people hear the word 'comeback', they tend to think of some desperate 80's pop singer prancing about on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here with trowel-applied makeup and a searing blaze of loneliness in their sad eyes. They tend not to think of farms in… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Jun 2008 9:48 PM. Permalink

Our Russian Comrades

Russians do it better...

Vladimir Putin has become the hero of propaganda lovers everywhere with his latest attempt at preventing dissidents from getting one over him. In a move that will surely inspire generations of leaders for years to come, the balding Russian despot has managed to censor the TV appearances of anybody who… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 2:32 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

Britishness may be celebrated in August...

In the modern British lexicon it seems that few words are dirtier or more likely to cause an uproar than the word patriot. Long gone is the proud Englishman professing his love of Her Majesty The Queen and propagating the virtues of his nation, but today even less extreme professions… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 12:44 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Waiting

Knock, knock, knocking on Labour's door...

David Blunkett has joined the bevy of myopic Labour politicians convinced that the party will rise like some sort of sloppy phoenix from the ashes of Gordon Brown's maladroit leadership skills. Speaking on a Radio 5 interview, he said that even though they had reached 'rock bottom', Labour still stands… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 10:53 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Devolution

Wild animals to take over UK streets...

As if the streets weren't already dangerous enough, with all those drunken youths, terrorists, and knife-wielding madmen hiding behind every piece of shrubbery or street furniture, it now appears that the average joe-schmoe may be forced to contend with such vicious beasts as wolves, ostriches and crocodiles as he makes… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 9:30 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Jacqui Smith pushes 42-day detention plans...

Jacqui Smith seems more confident that she and Gordon can win over the masses on 42 day terrorist detention. BBC. The Conservatives are planning to hold the Henley by-election within the next few weeks. The Guardian. A man who tried to detonate explosive devices outside Parliament has said that it… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 3 Jun 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

MP banned from using cow as prop

Westmonster has been thinking. Maybe this is where George Monbiot went wrong: instead of just attempting to carry out a citizen's arrest on John Bolton the old fashioned way, he should have burst into the tent on horseback, thereby capitalising on what little surprise he'd granted himself. Added bonus… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Jun 2008 1:05 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bill Clinton: 'my wife is doomed'

If at first you don't succeed, a wise man once said, try, try and try again. And then give up. No point being a whining ninny about it. It looks like the Hillary Clinton camp may finally be heeding this advice (that's the 'giving up' part, by the way,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Jun 2008 12:18 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

Tory councillor tells racist joke in race discrimination hearing

Sometimes the headline just says it all, doesn't it? Yes ... in a move roughly about as tactful as wheeling out some 'Uranus' puns during a Challenger eulogy, Kent Tory councillor Ken Bamber has really put his foot in it. And then his other foot. Then his torso, arms,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 Jun 2008 12:00 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

New report optimistic about microgeneration...

Tree-huggers and namby-pamby types are getting even more excitable than usual today after a government report suggested that the future of UK power is to be based on environmentally friendly microgeneration systems. Released earlier this afternoon, the Department for Business, Energy and Regulatory Reform (DBERR) report details that solar panels,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jun 2008 6:39 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Young people unhappy with police...

A new poll conducted by the BBC has suggested that up to 70% of UK residents consider themselves to be 'happy' with the police. Conducted by Radio 5 Live, the research discovered that the majority of people thought the police were doing a good job, and that 60% felt that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jun 2008 6:16 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

White House lasers suggest now is the future...

In 1927, when the sci-fi genre began to take shape with movies such as Fritz Lang's Metropolis, it was imagined that by the year 2000 man would have colonised the moon, robots would replace people as workers, and that the world would be ruled by just one government. The future… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jun 2008 3:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Literature

Pamphlet for squatters riles homeowners...

Squatters throughout the UK are holding each other's unwashed hands and dancing in an untamed ecstasy after it was revealed that a number of local councils have begun to steer them towards a pamphlet that teaches the basics of lock-picking and other useful skills for invading property. Naturally, self-respecting and… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jun 2008 12:18 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Labour Party worried about lack of Scots...

Labour are starting to panic about the dearth of Scottish ministers in their party. ePolitix. Gordon Brown is still convinced that 42 is the magic number when it comes to all things terrorist detention. BBC. One of David Cameron's key campaign advisers has decided to emigrate to California. ePolitix. Australian… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 Jun 2008 7:51 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Drunken violence all Boris's fault, says Tube Union

First things first: Westmonster has long held reservations about London Mayor Boris Johnson's banning of alcohol on public transport (effective today), simply because we're not sure what it's going to achieve. The majority of normal people who enjoy a cheeky train-drink on route to a pub or club are… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 1 Jun 2008 9:49 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

June 2008 Archives