Tories unveil plans to improve CCTV usage...

David Davis, the Shadow Home Secretary, has pledged to do something about the millions of CCTV cameras that haunt the cities and towns of England: Warning that the current system is useless, due to the poor quality and ineffective video that it produces, Davis stated that he'd like to take us down a path that promotes quality over quantity. He'd also like to implement a system of penalties for users of cameras that are deemed to be invading the privacy of the public.

Westmonster has to agree that you don't seem to be able to wipe your arse these days without some suit in Westminster filming you and deconstructing it, but does it really matter if the system saves a few lives every now and again? What with Youtube and Reality TV and all that, it seems that most people want to have their fifteen minutes of fame these days. Why not let them get on with it by heightening the importance of their daily lives through CCTV? If it produces a dearth in the number of cocksniffers that make their ways onto Britain's Got (No) Talent, then why the hell not??

True story: Once when this particular Westmonster writer was young and naive CCTV saved his life...

It was a London day as grim as any other: Charing Cross Station, dusk. For some ill-advised reason one had found oneself in the company of a particularly unscrupulous fellow who wished to sell some cheap cigarettes. Unfortunately, in order to get them from him the transaction would have to be made around a corner and down an alleyway. Big mistake...

When we got round the corner awaited about six blokes, emaciated, wide-eyed, cracked-up and angry. All of them were desirous of the wallet in Westmonster's pocket and all of them had a dim light in their eyes that said they weren't too bothered about how they got it. Up against the wall we went and out came the knives.

"Gimme your fuckin' money, man."

"Sorry, it's mine. I don't think that's very proper, what."

The knife came a little closer. Westmonster said its prayers.

That was when we heard the screech of brakes: Luckily, by some strange act of fate, a CCTV camera had been filming the whole scene and a truck load of coppers came to the rescue. Our knife-wielding attackers were thrown up against walls and handcuffed, their crack-pipes smashed on the ground, and the policeman looked at Westmonster, sighed, and said:

"Are you fuckin' stoopid, or what?"

End of story.

Photo: Flickr

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 May 2008 10:39 AM. Permalink