New cocaine plans make media types queasy...

Snotty media-types throughout the country are said to be flying into a series of involuntary paroxysms today. As a result, our contacts at the BBC have reported the introduction of an 'elevator rule' which stipulates that there is to be no more than one person at a time in all BBC building lifts. Apparently this is designed to 'prevent injury caused by flailing limbs'.

The situation is getting so serious that many BBC workers have had to resort to stair climbing. Unfortunately, as climbing stairs takes longer than using the elevator, the BBC's schedule is beginning to lag. It is estimated that the 6 o'clock news will not make it on air until sometime after next Tuesday's Eastenders. Similar incidents have been noted over at Channel 4 and ITV.

But what is the cause of this craziness? Well, we shall tell you...

The convulsion phenomenon began when the Home Office announced its new plans to have a crackdown on cocaine - though the media-type paroxysms weren't caused by the the pun, just the fear of being forced to go cold turkey.

The government's new £1 million campaign will produce a pamphlet that teaches youngsters the dangers of using the illegal substance. It is hoped that this will somehow lead to England becoming a drug-free utopia sometime within the next few years. If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound a million Columbian drug barons shaking in their boots!

Although overall UK drug use is reported to be at an all time low, the use of cocaine is the only drug which has risen since 1998.

Drugs Minister Vernon Coaker said:

“We have taken tough action against cocaine use in recent years. More than 1,100 crack houses have been closed thanks to powers we introduced four years ago."

Ironically, Vernon's surname does not appear to be a pun of any kind.

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 1:43 PM. Permalink