Ministry for Social Intrusion

Bojo's media circus pushes his button...

The pitfalls of fame may be getting a little too heavy for Boris Johnson - especially where his family is involved. According to reports made in today's papers, the London Mayor has gone to the Press Complaints Commission after the London Paper published pictures of his children. They were taken… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 2:03 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Deliverance

Holy Blair comes out the closet...

Tony Blair came out of the holy closet today by revealing that his new purpose in life is to breed understanding between the world's religions. With a manic gleam in his unblinking eyes, he told the interviewers at Time Magazine that Christianity had long been a part of his life,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 1:20 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown goes down...

It's another lugubrious day for the Prime Minister as new YouGov polls show that Labour's popularity is at its lowest since 1943. BBC. Further compounding Mr Brown's gloom is the news that consumer confidence has also sunk like the Titanic. The Guardian. It was revealed that UK life expectancy is… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 7:54 AM. Permalink

MPs: Working Hard... For YOU!

Gordon Brown now just cold-calling random voters

Forget Hillary Clinton's 3am phone call campaign - the PM has delivered an entirely new slant on things. See, in Hillary's world, the person prodding those number digits early in the morning would be yourself, hoping to get directly through to the ever-helpful Mrs. C. Gordon Brown has turned… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 30 May 2008 12:00 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Misplaced confidence on the rise...

When children of the future look back upon the last decade or so they will do so with ugly (but futuristic) grimaces and cringes from here to yaya. And it won't be just because the times in which we live are to be defined by the throngs of morons getting… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 1:15 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fun and Games

Together we can't rule Henley as father and son...

Stanley Johnson, the bug-eyed father of London Mayor Boris Johnson, has had to admit his disappointment today, though not regarding his son's state of idiocy as one may have expected. Instead, the sire's feelings of despair can be attributed to his not being allowed to succeed young Boris as the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 12:27 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Mischief

New knife campaign is a stab in the dark...

The government's fight against teenage knife crime has reached the next stage of moral panic with the release of a new £3m advertising campaign. Devised by bonafide 'teenagers', the commercials will make use of real life stories, graphic images, viral ads, and promotional postcards that carry a thumbless hand (no… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 10:36 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Shock Finances

Passionate Gordon may become insolvent...

We're sure that many amongst you have looked upon photographs of Gordon Brown with an incontrollable and salacious zest, and, to be honest, we can't say that we blame you. Quite simply, there's something about the man that could stoke the fires of even Anne anne Widdecombe's hoary loins. But… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 9:05 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Parliamentary wages not as high as expected...

According to recent figures, MPs only get paid £61,820 a year. So stop complaining. The Guardian. China and Taiwan are to start talking again for the first time in a decade. BBC. The company responsible for computerising the NHS, Fujitsu, has lost it's contract to do so. BBC. It seems… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 7:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Memories

Bush loyalist writes book; no longer loyal

Rebellion is a good thing. Like, if you want to smoke a massive bong and take the day off work tomorrow, why shouldn't you, man? You don't have to play by their rules. And who cares if you're thirty-three years old and still working at Burger King? They can't… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 May 2008 12:38 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Civil Disobedience

John Bolton arrest update: no arrest

You know, if Westmonster was less erudite, we'd settle for a big picture of journalist George Monbiot being dragged away by security staff with the legend 'OMG OMG EPIC FAIL' emblazoned across it. But we hear that's the front cover for The Independent tomorrow, so we wouldn't want to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 May 2008 12:14 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Brown admits expensive oil is here to stay...

Gordon Brown's announcement that high oil prices are here to stay must have made at least one or two of the nation's lorry drivers wish that they hadn't wasted so much fuel driving to London yesterday. After speaking with oil chiefs this morning the Prime Minister said that though he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 4:18 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

New report suggests people getting crazier...

It was Friedrich Nietzsche that once said, "Under conditions of peace the warlike man attacks himself." That doesn't really have anything to do with this story but we thought it may serve to make us look intelligent. And perhaps it will. The real news is that if you were starting… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 3:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Revolutions

In Livingstone we trust...

Boris Johnson has been ruminating upon the future of the Greater London Authority’s international offices and whether or not they are worth keeping. The offices in Delhi, Mumbai, Beijing, Shanghai, Brussels and Caracas, as well as a consultant based in Moscow, were the stellar idea of former mayor Ken Livingstone… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 2:35 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Ingenuity

New jail plans demonstrate superior thinking...

The UK government has managed to stun sentient beings across the globe with a sensitivity, tact, and understanding not seen since Mother Teresa last walked the earth. The reasons for this new wave of greatness comes in the form of a recently made decision regarding the dealing of the UK's… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 1:37 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Moscow, we need to pee...

Russian astronauts were forced to call a plumber after their toilet broke down. The Guardian. Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling are to meet oil chiefs amongst fears that prices will rise even more. BBC. Ministers have overruled the military and banned the use of cluster bombs. The Guardian. It seems… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 7:45 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Fuel protest letter handed to PM

After a protest which saw them lining up along a closed-off section of the A40, over 300 lorry drivers have strolled up to the front door of Number 10 and handed in a strongly-worded letter of protest - why, how very British - about the rising price of fuel.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 28 May 2008 12:00 AM. Permalink

Ministry for push-ups

How to fight obesity, by European Parliament

The number of obese people on this Britannic island of ours is skyrocketing - infact, as you read this, literally hundreds of people will be unbuttoning their belts a notch, making way for the extra stomach baggage taken on by wolfing down a family-size bar of Cadbury's LardVeins. Enough,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 May 2008 5:11 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

John Prescott all upset that he don't speak too good

It's hard to maintain levels of literacy and articulation in this modern world of ours. Literally everything is being slang-warped and abbreviated, to the point where Westmonster fears an entire new generation of whippersnappers will grow up to carry out their wedding vows in Textspeak and deliver funeral eulogies… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 May 2008 4:51 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Anglophilia

Obama to recalibrate special relationship...

Barack Obama has upped his Anglophile credentials by announcing that the 'special relationship' between the UK and the U.S. needs to be 'recalibrated'. His vision for the future would see our two great nations walking arm-in-arm aside bowling greens and past movie complexes, feasting on roast beef with Yorkshire pudding… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 2:29 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Apathy

Out of sight, Out of mind...

It's often claimed that the government doesn't really give a damn. Sure, it might act like it does and present a specious image of caring for the public, looking out for the nation's best interests, trying to spread ideas of equality, but if you stop to look at the bigger… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 12:16 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Interspecific Relations

Peruvian MP shoots dog...

Speaking from inexperience, the best thing about being an MP must be the sense of power that it gives you. Not only do you make the laws of the land, decide how public funds should be spent, go to fancy restaurants, and hang around with interesting people, but, as long… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 10:02 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cunning

Sly MPs get around future expense revelations...

MPs are facing a dilemma: The general public has managed to find out about the opulent kitchens and showers and garden ornamentation that it paid for and isn't very happy. Unfortunately, being entitled to expensive kitchens and showers and garden ornamentation is one of the reasons that most MPs got… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 9:07 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Truck drivers of the world unite and take over...

Lorry drivers throughout the nation are expected to protest over rising fuel prices. BBC. Gordon Brown is facing more rebellion, this time over 'green' car tax. The Guardian. The Sun. It has been said that every school in the UK has at least one bad teacher. The Guardian. A new… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 7:46 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

John Bolton to be arrested ... maybe

Here at Westmonster, we've got a lot of time for the citizen's arrest. Especially when we intertwine our own personal law-enforcing stance with Dirty-Harry-style tactics, thereby emptying the barrel of a Magnum into a group of chavs playing insipid R&B music via their mobile phones on the 55 bus.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 9:03 PM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Robert Mugabe calls U.S diplomat a dirty hooker

Robert Mugabe - never the most progressive of public figures - has labelled an American diplomat a 'prostitute' and insisted that any foreign interference in next month's run-off 'election' would not be welcomed with open arms. Not only that - he's apparently prepared to throw U.S Ambassador to Zimbabwe… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 8:44 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Crime Fighting

Police given personal handheld computers

Paperwork can be so stressful sometimes. Imagine that you were Satan himself, Prince of Darkness and Great Overlord of the Underworld, and you were trying to frantically remember who was lined up for your 3 o' clock torture appointment. Shuffling through the reams of documents on your desk, you… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 8:18 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Insensitivity

Top 10 politicians in need of a beating...

Whilst Westmonster doesn't espouse the use of violence to achieve its goals, we can't help but think that the recent incident involving the beating of Labour MP Anne Moffat will make her think more carefully regarding the way that she votes on, or deals with, issues of crime in the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 3:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Structure and Discipline

More boot camps for bums...

Chris Grayling, the Conservative Party's welfare spokesman, will tomorrow announce the new policies on employment benefits that the party plans to install should it win the next general election. And, as essentially a rehashing of the goals behind the Labour Party's ideas to encourage school kids to join the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 2:11 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Shady Deals

Smokers to be impotent perverts...

More good news for you dirty cigarette smokers: it appears that plans will be announced by the government this week to get even tougher on the availability of cigarettes by encouraging vendors to sell smokes from under the counter only (a la some pervy magazine), completely banning vending machines, and… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:42 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

The lights are on but no one's home...

Despite earlier reports that he might be going somewhere, Gordon Brown has managed to instill a sense of fear and confusion into the minds of the masses by revealing that he is planning something called a 'two-year fight back campaign'. The long and short of it will be that he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:18 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

New G8 emissions plans sound gr8...

The G8 committee has revealed new plans to halve global emissions by 2050. BBC. David Miliband has denied reports that he wants to take Gordon Brown's job away from him. The Guardian. Boris Johnson has scrapped a controversial deal with Venezuela that was designed to fund cheap transport for Londoners.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 8:07 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Breakdowns

Gordon Brown: 120 days and counting

What with Westmonster - and pretty much the rest of the politically aware world - thinking of heading down to the bookies and placing a serious bet on Gordon Brown not lasting the summer as PM, there's been very little to persuade us doing otherwise. The Sunday Mirror has… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 12:45 AM. Permalink

All change please

Another disaster looming for Labour?

After the electoral apocalypse at Crewe, it seems that the Labour government are on a mission to systematically alienate as many voters as possible - not so much burning their bridges as napalming the tarmac and ripping down the toll booths. The speculation that Gordon Brown is going to be… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 May 2008 6:27 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Good old days over for Old Man McCain?

Old Man John McCain has joined the 'Pastors in the Closet' school of American politics by having a religious zealot get him into a spot of bother. Sharing resonance with the bump in the road that rival Barack Obama's campaign found itself having to get over after similar religious campaign… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 12:31 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Unedification

Chivalry is dead and Jack Straw killed it...

Chivalry is dead and Jack Straw killed it, according to Foreign Secretary David Miliband in a speech that he made on his recent trip to America. The comments came in reference to a 2006 incident which saw Straw, Miliband's predecessor, forcing Condoleezza Rice to sleep on the floor whilst he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 11:27 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Malevolence

Prince of Darkness to rule the underground...

Boris Johnson has alarmed Londoners by appointing somebody called 'the Prince of Darkness' as the new overlord of the underground. Seriously. Tim Parker, a businessman who was once given the unimaginative nickname by uninspired union workers, will be in charge of TfL in his new role as first deputy mayor.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 10:12 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Espionage

The Russians aren't coming...

What is it about the involvement of Russians that breeds a certain intrigue to a situation? Perhaps it's because of all those James Bond movies, or that old American sci-fi that ingrained a subliminal fear of the Cold War into anybody that watched it. It seems to us that you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 8:55 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No surprises for Cameron and his crew...

The news that the Tories have beaten Labour in the Crewe by-election with a 7,860 majority is about as surprising as a shit after a curry. BBC. The Guardian. The Times. It has been stated that Gordon Brown could face more leadership challenges. ePolitix. David Cameron has plans to strengthen… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Tony Blair almost killed by Israelis

Why, you poor misguided fool. There you were, thinking that Tony Blair's existence consisted entirely of smiling eerily, replacing genuine political debate with Clifford-esque marketeer rhetoric, and latching onto insanely flawed arguments for invading certain portions of the Middle East. Apparently there was much more to it than that.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 May 2008 1:31 AM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Scottish ambulance service: knackered

Upon hearing - after falling off a ferris wheel and shattering your face, knees and spine - that the paramedic coming to get you is en route in a 'rapid-response' vehicle, you may be forgiven for expecting some siren-whirring superhero to burst forth from the clouds on an NHS… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 May 2008 9:33 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

US Election Running Mates: the search begins

Ah, those wonderful differences between British and American terminology. Here on this drizzly isle, a 'running mate' would presumably mean that schoolfriend who used to sneak cigarettes and cider into P.E lessons so you could both occupy yourselves during an afternoon of cross-country jogging. In the States, however, the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 May 2008 9:22 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Expense details to be revealed tomorrow (sort of)...

According Harriet Harman, the 14 dirty MPs that tried to keep their expense details secret will get their comeuppance sometime tomorrow. Unfortunately, it appears that some of the juicier details of how the public funds were spent will remain undisclosed. Although Harman has stated that the addresses of the MPs… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 3:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Social Contribution

Tories win on donations...

Riveting revelations made this afternoon show that the Conservative Party has received over 50% of all UK political donations made so far this year. Of the total £8m, donated between January and March of this year, £4.2m went to the Conservatives, just under £3m to Labour, and a poxy £470,000… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 2:20 PM. Permalink

May 2008 Archives