Ministry for Social Intrusion

Bojo's media circus pushes his button...

The pitfalls of fame may be getting a little too heavy for Boris Johnson - especially where his family is involved. According to reports made in today's papers, the London Mayor has gone to the Press Complaints Commission after the London Paper published pictures of his children. They were taken… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 2:03 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Deliverance

Holy Blair comes out the closet...

Tony Blair came out of the holy closet today by revealing that his new purpose in life is to breed understanding between the world's religions. With a manic gleam in his unblinking eyes, he told the interviewers at Time Magazine that Christianity had long been a part of his life,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 1:20 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown goes down...

It's another lugubrious day for the Prime Minister as new YouGov polls show that Labour's popularity is at its lowest since 1943. BBC. Further compounding Mr Brown's gloom is the news that consumer confidence has also sunk like the Titanic. The Guardian. It was revealed that UK life expectancy is… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 May 2008 7:54 AM. Permalink

MPs: Working Hard... For YOU!

Gordon Brown now just cold-calling random voters

Forget Hillary Clinton's 3am phone call campaign - the PM has delivered an entirely new slant on things. See, in Hillary's world, the person prodding those number digits early in the morning would be yourself, hoping to get directly through to the ever-helpful Mrs. C. Gordon Brown has turned… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 30 May 2008 12:00 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Misplaced confidence on the rise...

When children of the future look back upon the last decade or so they will do so with ugly (but futuristic) grimaces and cringes from here to yaya. And it won't be just because the times in which we live are to be defined by the throngs of morons getting… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 1:15 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fun and Games

Together we can't rule Henley as father and son...

Stanley Johnson, the bug-eyed father of London Mayor Boris Johnson, has had to admit his disappointment today, though not regarding his son's state of idiocy as one may have expected. Instead, the sire's feelings of despair can be attributed to his not being allowed to succeed young Boris as the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 12:27 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Mischief

New knife campaign is a stab in the dark...

The government's fight against teenage knife crime has reached the next stage of moral panic with the release of a new £3m advertising campaign. Devised by bonafide 'teenagers', the commercials will make use of real life stories, graphic images, viral ads, and promotional postcards that carry a thumbless hand (no… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 10:36 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Shock Finances

Passionate Gordon may become insolvent...

We're sure that many amongst you have looked upon photographs of Gordon Brown with an incontrollable and salacious zest, and, to be honest, we can't say that we blame you. Quite simply, there's something about the man that could stoke the fires of even Anne anne Widdecombe's hoary loins. But… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 9:05 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Parliamentary wages not as high as expected...

According to recent figures, MPs only get paid £61,820 a year. So stop complaining. The Guardian. China and Taiwan are to start talking again for the first time in a decade. BBC. The company responsible for computerising the NHS, Fujitsu, has lost it's contract to do so. BBC. It seems… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 May 2008 7:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Memories

Bush loyalist writes book; no longer loyal

Rebellion is a good thing. Like, if you want to smoke a massive bong and take the day off work tomorrow, why shouldn't you, man? You don't have to play by their rules. And who cares if you're thirty-three years old and still working at Burger King? They can't… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 May 2008 12:38 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Civil Disobedience

John Bolton arrest update: no arrest

You know, if Westmonster was less erudite, we'd settle for a big picture of journalist George Monbiot being dragged away by security staff with the legend 'OMG OMG EPIC FAIL' emblazoned across it. But we hear that's the front cover for The Independent tomorrow, so we wouldn't want to… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 May 2008 12:14 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Brown admits expensive oil is here to stay...

Gordon Brown's announcement that high oil prices are here to stay must have made at least one or two of the nation's lorry drivers wish that they hadn't wasted so much fuel driving to London yesterday. After speaking with oil chiefs this morning the Prime Minister said that though he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 4:18 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

New report suggests people getting crazier...

It was Friedrich Nietzsche that once said, "Under conditions of peace the warlike man attacks himself." That doesn't really have anything to do with this story but we thought it may serve to make us look intelligent. And perhaps it will. The real news is that if you were starting… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 3:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Revolutions

In Livingstone we trust...

Boris Johnson has been ruminating upon the future of the Greater London Authority’s international offices and whether or not they are worth keeping. The offices in Delhi, Mumbai, Beijing, Shanghai, Brussels and Caracas, as well as a consultant based in Moscow, were the stellar idea of former mayor Ken Livingstone… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 2:35 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Ingenuity

New jail plans demonstrate superior thinking...

The UK government has managed to stun sentient beings across the globe with a sensitivity, tact, and understanding not seen since Mother Teresa last walked the earth. The reasons for this new wave of greatness comes in the form of a recently made decision regarding the dealing of the UK's… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 1:37 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Moscow, we need to pee...

Russian astronauts were forced to call a plumber after their toilet broke down. The Guardian. Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling are to meet oil chiefs amongst fears that prices will rise even more. BBC. Ministers have overruled the military and banned the use of cluster bombs. The Guardian. It seems… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 May 2008 7:45 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Fuel protest letter handed to PM

After a protest which saw them lining up along a closed-off section of the A40, over 300 lorry drivers have strolled up to the front door of Number 10 and handed in a strongly-worded letter of protest - why, how very British - about the rising price of fuel.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 28 May 2008 12:00 AM. Permalink

Ministry for push-ups

How to fight obesity, by European Parliament

The number of obese people on this Britannic island of ours is skyrocketing - infact, as you read this, literally hundreds of people will be unbuttoning their belts a notch, making way for the extra stomach baggage taken on by wolfing down a family-size bar of Cadbury's LardVeins. Enough,… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 May 2008 5:11 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

John Prescott all upset that he don't speak too good

It's hard to maintain levels of literacy and articulation in this modern world of ours. Literally everything is being slang-warped and abbreviated, to the point where Westmonster fears an entire new generation of whippersnappers will grow up to carry out their wedding vows in Textspeak and deliver funeral eulogies… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 May 2008 4:51 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Anglophilia

Obama to recalibrate special relationship...

Barack Obama has upped his Anglophile credentials by announcing that the 'special relationship' between the UK and the U.S. needs to be 'recalibrated'. His vision for the future would see our two great nations walking arm-in-arm aside bowling greens and past movie complexes, feasting on roast beef with Yorkshire pudding… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 2:29 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Apathy

Out of sight, Out of mind...

It's often claimed that the government doesn't really give a damn. Sure, it might act like it does and present a specious image of caring for the public, looking out for the nation's best interests, trying to spread ideas of equality, but if you stop to look at the bigger… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 12:16 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Interspecific Relations

Peruvian MP shoots dog...

Speaking from inexperience, the best thing about being an MP must be the sense of power that it gives you. Not only do you make the laws of the land, decide how public funds should be spent, go to fancy restaurants, and hang around with interesting people, but, as long… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 10:02 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cunning

Sly MPs get around future expense revelations...

MPs are facing a dilemma: The general public has managed to find out about the opulent kitchens and showers and garden ornamentation that it paid for and isn't very happy. Unfortunately, being entitled to expensive kitchens and showers and garden ornamentation is one of the reasons that most MPs got… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 9:07 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Truck drivers of the world unite and take over...

Lorry drivers throughout the nation are expected to protest over rising fuel prices. BBC. Gordon Brown is facing more rebellion, this time over 'green' car tax. The Guardian. The Sun. It has been said that every school in the UK has at least one bad teacher. The Guardian. A new… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 27 May 2008 7:46 AM. Permalink

Shit Hits The Fan Dept.

John Bolton to be arrested ... maybe

Here at Westmonster, we've got a lot of time for the citizen's arrest. Especially when we intertwine our own personal law-enforcing stance with Dirty-Harry-style tactics, thereby emptying the barrel of a Magnum into a group of chavs playing insipid R&B music via their mobile phones on the 55 bus.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 9:03 PM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Robert Mugabe calls U.S diplomat a dirty hooker

Robert Mugabe - never the most progressive of public figures - has labelled an American diplomat a 'prostitute' and insisted that any foreign interference in next month's run-off 'election' would not be welcomed with open arms. Not only that - he's apparently prepared to throw U.S Ambassador to Zimbabwe… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 8:44 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Crime Fighting

Police given personal handheld computers

Paperwork can be so stressful sometimes. Imagine that you were Satan himself, Prince of Darkness and Great Overlord of the Underworld, and you were trying to frantically remember who was lined up for your 3 o' clock torture appointment. Shuffling through the reams of documents on your desk, you… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 8:18 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Insensitivity

Top 10 politicians in need of a beating...

Whilst Westmonster doesn't espouse the use of violence to achieve its goals, we can't help but think that the recent incident involving the beating of Labour MP Anne Moffat will make her think more carefully regarding the way that she votes on, or deals with, issues of crime in the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 3:01 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Structure and Discipline

More boot camps for bums...

Chris Grayling, the Conservative Party's welfare spokesman, will tomorrow announce the new policies on employment benefits that the party plans to install should it win the next general election. And, as essentially a rehashing of the goals behind the Labour Party's ideas to encourage school kids to join the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 2:11 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Shady Deals

Smokers to be impotent perverts...

More good news for you dirty cigarette smokers: it appears that plans will be announced by the government this week to get even tougher on the availability of cigarettes by encouraging vendors to sell smokes from under the counter only (a la some pervy magazine), completely banning vending machines, and… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:42 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

The lights are on but no one's home...

Despite earlier reports that he might be going somewhere, Gordon Brown has managed to instill a sense of fear and confusion into the minds of the masses by revealing that he is planning something called a 'two-year fight back campaign'. The long and short of it will be that he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 12:18 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

New G8 emissions plans sound gr8...

The G8 committee has revealed new plans to halve global emissions by 2050. BBC. David Miliband has denied reports that he wants to take Gordon Brown's job away from him. The Guardian. Boris Johnson has scrapped a controversial deal with Venezuela that was designed to fund cheap transport for Londoners.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 26 May 2008 8:07 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Breakdowns

Gordon Brown: 120 days and counting

What with Westmonster - and pretty much the rest of the politically aware world - thinking of heading down to the bookies and placing a serious bet on Gordon Brown not lasting the summer as PM, there's been very little to persuade us doing otherwise. The Sunday Mirror has… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 26 May 2008 12:45 AM. Permalink

All change please

Another disaster looming for Labour?

After the electoral apocalypse at Crewe, it seems that the Labour government are on a mission to systematically alienate as many voters as possible - not so much burning their bridges as napalming the tarmac and ripping down the toll booths. The speculation that Gordon Brown is going to be… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 May 2008 6:27 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Good old days over for Old Man McCain?

Old Man John McCain has joined the 'Pastors in the Closet' school of American politics by having a religious zealot get him into a spot of bother. Sharing resonance with the bump in the road that rival Barack Obama's campaign found itself having to get over after similar religious campaign… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 12:31 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Unedification

Chivalry is dead and Jack Straw killed it...

Chivalry is dead and Jack Straw killed it, according to Foreign Secretary David Miliband in a speech that he made on his recent trip to America. The comments came in reference to a 2006 incident which saw Straw, Miliband's predecessor, forcing Condoleezza Rice to sleep on the floor whilst he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 11:27 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Malevolence

Prince of Darkness to rule the underground...

Boris Johnson has alarmed Londoners by appointing somebody called 'the Prince of Darkness' as the new overlord of the underground. Seriously. Tim Parker, a businessman who was once given the unimaginative nickname by uninspired union workers, will be in charge of TfL in his new role as first deputy mayor.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 10:12 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Espionage

The Russians aren't coming...

What is it about the involvement of Russians that breeds a certain intrigue to a situation? Perhaps it's because of all those James Bond movies, or that old American sci-fi that ingrained a subliminal fear of the Cold War into anybody that watched it. It seems to us that you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 8:55 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

No surprises for Cameron and his crew...

The news that the Tories have beaten Labour in the Crewe by-election with a 7,860 majority is about as surprising as a shit after a curry. BBC. The Guardian. The Times. It has been stated that Gordon Brown could face more leadership challenges. ePolitix. David Cameron has plans to strengthen… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 May 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Tony Blair almost killed by Israelis

Why, you poor misguided fool. There you were, thinking that Tony Blair's existence consisted entirely of smiling eerily, replacing genuine political debate with Clifford-esque marketeer rhetoric, and latching onto insanely flawed arguments for invading certain portions of the Middle East. Apparently there was much more to it than that.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 May 2008 1:31 AM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Scottish ambulance service: knackered

Upon hearing - after falling off a ferris wheel and shattering your face, knees and spine - that the paramedic coming to get you is en route in a 'rapid-response' vehicle, you may be forgiven for expecting some siren-whirring superhero to burst forth from the clouds on an NHS… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 May 2008 9:33 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

US Election Running Mates: the search begins

Ah, those wonderful differences between British and American terminology. Here on this drizzly isle, a 'running mate' would presumably mean that schoolfriend who used to sneak cigarettes and cider into P.E lessons so you could both occupy yourselves during an afternoon of cross-country jogging. In the States, however, the… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 May 2008 9:22 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Expense details to be revealed tomorrow (sort of)...

According Harriet Harman, the 14 dirty MPs that tried to keep their expense details secret will get their comeuppance sometime tomorrow. Unfortunately, it appears that some of the juicier details of how the public funds were spent will remain undisclosed. Although Harman has stated that the addresses of the MPs… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 3:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Social Contribution

Tories win on donations...

Riveting revelations made this afternoon show that the Conservative Party has received over 50% of all UK political donations made so far this year. Of the total £8m, donated between January and March of this year, £4.2m went to the Conservatives, just under £3m to Labour, and a poxy £470,000… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 2:20 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Re-Runs

New cocaine plans make media types queasy...

Snotty media-types throughout the country are said to be flying into a series of involuntary paroxysms today. As a result, our contacts at the BBC have reported the introduction of an 'elevator rule' which stipulates that there is to be no more than one person at a time in all… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 1:43 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Missives

Conservatives data leak is ill-timed...

The Conservatives have cocked-up today by revealing that they sold leaked the personal information of 8,000 voters to a radio station. Although the specifics aren't known for sure, it's expected that the files in question included such information as names and addresses, sexual perversions and proclivities, telephone numbers and coded… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 12:16 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Panic on the streets of London...

Police had to stick their riot gear on again last night after Chelsea supporters in West London got angry about something. The Times. If you hadn't heard about it, the Crewe and Nantwich by-election takes place today. BBC. ePolitix. The suits at the UN have warned that the Beijing Olympics… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 May 2008 7:45 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Government wastes 325 million pounds

In these days of doom and gloom, it's best to be ultra-economic. Therefore every single person reading this should hang their lowly head in shame if they ever used more than the requisite toilet-paper scenario of one-up, one-down and one-to-polish. Got the message yet? Waste is bad. It's very… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 22 May 2008 12:52 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Factotums

Gordon Brown is employee of the week...

Big shot Gordon Brown has become the hero of temp-agency workers everywhere after signalling the end to a six year battle to provide them with the same rights as full-time workers. The move has been described by one of Brown's spokespeople as reflecting "the right balance between fairness and flexibility".… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 May 2008 11:40 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Memories

Tories unveil plans to improve CCTV usage...

David Davis, the Shadow Home Secretary, has pledged to do something about the millions of CCTV cameras that haunt the cities and towns of England: Warning that the current system is useless, due to the poor quality and ineffective video that it produces, Davis stated that he'd like to take… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 May 2008 10:39 AM. Permalink

Ministry for International Relations

Bush apologises for Koran target practice...

We've said it before and we'll say it again: it can't be easy being George Walker Bush. This time the life of the American President takes an onerous turn after it was revealed that a U.S. soldier in Iraq was found to be using the Koran as a tool for… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 May 2008 8:27 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Boris Johnson to fix Olympic costs...

Boris Johnson has sworn to do something about the spiralling costs of London's Olympic plans. The Guardian. America's House of Representatives has passed a bill to sue OPEC members should they fix oil prices. Reuters. Plans for a sixth terminal at Heathrow have been criticised as being based on 'flawed'… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 21 May 2008 7:43 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Social Mobility

Ken Livingstone finds new job...

Thousands of Londoners are quivering in the throes of rapture today after hearing that Ken Livingstone has found a new job as a radio personality. The former London mayor is to host his own radio show on the capital's commercial network LBC 97.3. After he was last seen to be… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 12:45 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Incubation

Balls to make exclusion uncool again...

Dropping or getting kicked out of high-school and still succeeding in life is just about one of the coolest things that you can do. Period. It's an act that demonstrates a strength of character so much more refined than that of the average schmuck that, when you hear stories of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 11:55 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Snob Prevention

New law says be nice to the military...

Further enhancing mindless speculation that the UK is to become no more than a bleak dystopia controlled by venomous army brats, gun-toting police officers, and the idiots in Parliament is the news that it will soon be illegal for public institutions such as shops, hospitals, and bars to discriminate against… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 11:03 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

E-mail plan calls for more Orwellian clichés...

Ah, another day, another Orwellian analogy to be made. This time it comes after the BBC reveals that the government is considering plans to maintain a national database of every phone call and e-mail sent in the UK. Big Brother is watching you? See you in room 101? How'd you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 10:11 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Warning: theft of manhole covers on the rise...

As metal prices increase, the theft of manhole covers is seen to be on the rise. Newsweek. Ofsted has revealed that about 20% of UK kids leave primary school being unable to read properly. The Guardian. UK house sales could drop by up to 40% this year. This is Money.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 20 May 2008 7:43 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Crowd Control

Obama draws 80,000 strong crowd...

After charming a crowd totalling 80,000 yesterday, Barack Obama has officially had what the NY Times has described as his 'wow moment'. According to news reports, the scene which unfolded on an appropriately sunny day in Portland, Oregon took part on the banks of the Willamette River. Obama was dwarfed… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 12:18 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Devolution

Thatcherite Cameron to provide good UK housekeeping...

Is England set to revert to the bleak and grubby austerity of the Thatcher years? If the recent reports of David Cameron taking cue from his iron-balled mentor are anything to go by, then perhaps so.. According to numerous news sources today, the Leader of the Opposition has decided that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 11:28 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Shaken not Stirred

Intrepid Nick Clegg avoids Taliban rockets...

Famous philanderer and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has found a sure-fire way to get more hot sex: almost being shot by the Taliban. In an incident that will surely provide the Handsome One with enough ammunition to charm even the most chaste of ladies into his liberal bed,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 10:11 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Mass Appeal

Gordon Brown goes digital...

Hip and happening Gordon Brown has managed to show the world that he's down with the times by utilising the Youtube network. In a move that slightly echoes that of the Queen last Christmas, Mr Brown will use the famous website to allow members of the public to ask him… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 9:30 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Crewe by-election gets classy...

The Crewe by-election has all the hallmarks of a class war as Labour take the 'toff' approach. The Times. The UK is seeking exemption from a proposed cluster bomb ban. BBC. David Miliband has denied rumours that he is to quit for a position with the EU. ePolitix. The government… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 19 May 2008 7:42 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Digits

Political lists are hip for sure...

Whilst we know that lists and so forth are traditionally Iain Dale's territory, it appears that all the cool kids are starting to get excited about them of recent so we might as well join in the party. The trend developed earlier in the week when the Telegraph published a… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 3:35 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Crime Fighting

Bojo likes buses..

It's been another busy week for the Chosen One, A.K.A. Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, all-round nice guy, and neophyte vanquisher of crime™: Yesterday he was hanging around the Elephant and Castle with Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, in an attempt put an end to knife fights in the capital, and… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 2:18 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Avaricious tossers lose expenses case...

Well, well, well. The House of Commons has lost its court case to keep the expense details of its MPs as a dirty little secret. It comes as good news for democracy but bad nose for money-grubbing politicians everywhere who will, from now on, no doubt, be a little more… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 1:57 PM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Propaganda Nostalgia - day five

Friday arrives, then, and with it the final instalment of Westmonster's week-long peek back into the historical archives of that curious beast: the Party Political Broadcast. We've already featured a couple of Labour films, and we're picking up that Red Rose one last time for this snippet from March 1970.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 16 May 2008 12:00 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Shock Finances

Impecunious George Bush owns expensive bicycle...

George Bush, Leader of the Free World, Space and America, has shocked fans by revealing that his vast fortune isn't as vast as one may have expected it to be. According to disclosure forms released today, his wealth now stands at a paltry $6.5 million, much less than when he… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 9:22 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bin Laden to release new video..

Within the next 72 hours Osama Bin Laden is expected to release a video message about his thoughts on Israel's 60th birthday celebrations. Reuters. A Pakistani man who stabbed his racist BNP neighbour to death is currently undergoing trial. The Times. The high court will today rule whether or not… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 16 May 2008 7:51 AM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Propaganda Nostalgia - day four

Thursday. A wholly unremarkable day, notable this week only for one reason - it's day four of Westmonster's look back at classic, odd, baffling or confusing Party Political Broadcasts from years gone by. We haven't featured the Tories yet, so it's only fair that they get some exposure today. Here's… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 15 May 2008 8:50 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Smut Peddling

Cherie Blair defends book...

Cherie Blair and her bent face have found themselves in a spot of bother after the release of her memoirs - so much so that those disgusted by her revelations have asked her to stand down as a judge. Dear, oh dear. However, on Radio 4's Woman's Hour this morning,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 2:26 PM. Permalink

Minstry for Hillbillies

Hillbilly Mp fined for quad incident

A Conservative MP from Mid Sussex, Nicholas Soames, has had his driving licence revoked for two months after being found guilty of riding an uninsured quad on public roads. To make things even more interesting, it turns out that some of the passengers that he was pulling behind him in… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 12:30 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Brake Downs

Bojo's black cab plans contested...

Boris Johnson's critics have found a treasure trove of complaint-worthy material in his new policy on London's black cabs. The plans, which Bojo feels will make life easier for cab drivers by cutting out the abundance of red tape in their lives, will essentially involve reducing the number of obligatory… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 11:31 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Clinging On

Gordon Brown 'aint going nowhere, baby...

Gordon Brown hasn't surprised anybody by announcing his plans to stay until the next election. In an interview with Sky News this morning he stated that he had plans to stay and 'get on with his job'. For the majority of thinkers, pessimists and political gamblers the news is hardly… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 10:12 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Prince Charles likes trees...

Prince Charles has concluded that putting an end to rainforest logging is the only way to solve climate change problems. BBC. Gordon Brown has been advised by MPs to give up his idea for 42-day detention without trial. The Guardian. The UK economy could be about to go through a… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 15 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Separated Degrees

NNDB Mapper maps political connections...

Trawling the Internet's nether regions has led Westmonster to the the NNDB Mapper, a pretty slick tool that allows users to map the social networks of politicians, actors and other prominent members of society. All the big UK political names like Blair, Brown and Cameron are on there, along with… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 3:04 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Profligates

Speaker's wife taxi case dismissed...

Remember the wife of Commons Speaker Michael Martin? She was the dirty broad who managed to whack up a massive £4,139.17 in taxi fares, paid for by tax payers in the form of expenses, which she used to go on shopping trips?!?!?! Well, turns out today that the investigation into… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 2:10 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Incongruity

BBC Parliament to choose games over politics

Politicians of mid-level status are to expect a Summertime clouded in even more obscurity and desolation as the BBC has revealed plans to broadcast 24/7 live coverage of the Olympic Games on BBC Parliament instead of politics. Westmonster must express a little disappointment at the news: We've been watching the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 12:48 PM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Propaganda Nostalgia - day three

We're midway through our week-long look back at intruiging Party Political Broadcasts of yore, and it seems that we've developed a mild dose of celebrity fixation. Yesterday we saw top comedians Fry And Laurie grandstanding on behalf of the Labour party in 1993, and today we're privy to a similar… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 14 May 2008 12:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Life on Mars

Bush gives up golf for Iraq

Famously inarticulate cowboy/President of the United States, George W. Bush, has shown the world his more sensitive side in an interview with Yahoo! and Politico.com. Focusing on the Texan's thoughts before he stands down from office next year, the interview reveals President Bush's reflections on some of the things that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 11:10 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

PM to make 'Queen's Speech'...

Gordon Brown is to set out a 'Queen's Speech' type run-down of his plans for the year ahead. BBC. ePolitix. Economists say that Alistair Darling's plans for dealing with the 10p tax crisis could prove costly. The Guardian. UK hospitals are still dirtier than patients would like them to be.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 14 May 2008 7:47 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Retro-futurism

Taeser usage up, lightsabers in the post...

Figures released by the Home Office today have shown an increase in the use of Taesers by police officers, detailing that between September 1st 2007 and February 29th 2008, Taesers were used a total of 252 times (236 of which were in the last three months). Of this there… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 3:34 PM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Propaganda Nostalgia - day two

The second day of our trawl through the Party Political Broadcast archives, then - and we're now entering the realm of celebrity endorsement. Yesterday we witnessed 1997's slick Labour reinvention ... and now we're heading to the same party circa 1993, in which they crafted a surprisingly entertaining little yarn… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 13 May 2008 12:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Old Age

Gordon Brown shocks psychologists...

Gordon Brown has shocked pyschologists by doing something that actually makes sense for a change: In a proposal announced yesterday he stated that he aims to introduce a system that prevents the elderly from having to sell their homes in order to cover the cost of living. As a venerable… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 10:47 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Devolution

Tories may bar lesbians from IVF...

The Conservative Party has managed to rattle the Lesbian Community's cage by announcing that it would like to place restrictions on tribade couples having access to IVF treatment. Although the current Labour government doesn't see any problems with lesbians bringing up children by themselves, David Cameron and his party feel… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 9:55 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Verdant Virtues

Bojo likes trees...

Boris Johnson has officially put an end to The Londoner, which he has described as "the Mayor's ludicrous Pyongyang-style newspaper". His office claims that the move will save an estimated £2.9m. Announced this morning, Mr Johnson said that he will use at least £1m of the saved amount to provide… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 9:09 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Embryo Bill gets the majority vote...

MPs have voted to allow controversial plans to update human embryology laws. BBC. MPs say that national school tests should be made fewer in order to provide children with a rounded education. ePolitix. The BBC has been criticised for wasting millions each year on props, catering and costumes. The Guardian.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 13 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Social Intrusion

Bojo helps extend Oyster network...

Mayor of London Boris Johnson has continued his explorations of the capital's public transportation networks by announcing a deal between Transport for London (TFL) and First Great Western that will extend the routes covered by the infamous Oyster travel card. Stations from West Drayton and Greenford into Paddington will be… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 May 2008 2:03 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Critics imagine Brown ousted before next election..

Will Gordon Brown still be the leader of the Labour party when the next General Election comes round? That's the question on the wrinkled lips of most well-informed MPs today, especially some outspoken young whippersnapper named Frank Fields. We have to admit that our political musings have taken us down… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 May 2008 12:25 PM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Propaganda Nostalgia - day one

What the Labour government roughly about as popular as a Scissor Sisters performance at an Alabama rodeo, they're going to seriously have to buck their ideas up if they want to stand even the slightest chance of winning the next general election. Those nationwide polls will be upon us… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 12 May 2008 12:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Unedification

Dalai Lama banned from Number 10...

Gordon Brown has made another funky prime ministerial decision by banning the Dalai Lama from 10 Downing Street. Naturally, quite a few people are disgusted by such a move, especially the legions of Free Tibet protestors that live in the UK, Tibetans themselves, and suppliers of monastic robes who were… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 May 2008 10:55 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Prescott not a fan of Brown either...

John Prescott has revealed that he asked Tony Blair to sack the current PM whilst he was nought but a mere chancellor. ePolitix. Gordon Brown has sworn to make social care for the elderly 'fairer'. BBC. Companies may soon start using lie detectors when employees call in sick. The Sun.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 12 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Insobriety

Alcohol may be banned nationally...

Here at Westmonster we like alcohol. We can think of few things better than the languid conversation that it inspires, or the afternoons that we've wasted in beer gardens amongst the beer redolent spillage of our more inebriated friends and their cigarette smoke. And what about that special rummy brand… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 May 2008 5:22 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Conservatives 26 points in front...

The latest Yougov poll claims that the Conservatives now have a 26 point lead. UK Polling Report. The government is set to help home owners as repossessions are set to rise. BBC. Channel 4. There are plans to start a national database of 'bad employees' which can be accessed nationally… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 9 May 2008 7:44 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

NY Times: Tories' "Conservative Revival"

Upper-case 'C' Conservatives in Britain know all too well what it feels like to need a revival — 'twas only a short eight months ago that Labour looked ready to re-up for another five years of fun. But now all that's changed, and beaten-down American lower-case 'c' conservatives are… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 9 May 2008 6:56 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Political Statements

Gordon Brown may not be cast in wax...

Madame Tussaud's has entered the political arena by allowing members of the public to vote on whether or not they should make one of their famous wax statues of 'PM' Gordon Brown. To be honest, we'd forgotten that anybody actually gave a flying crap about waxwork these days (the whole… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 May 2008 10:38 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

The pen is mightier than the truncheon...

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, will announce plans today that give police the power to openly harass antisocial youth by hounding them at their homes, following them about, and also arbitrarily filming them in the streets. It certainly sounds a little bit drastic, but is part of the government's plans… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 May 2008 10:02 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Doctors seek cure for ineptitude...

MPs have labelled the government's handling of last year's junior medic recruitment drive as 'inept'. BBC. The Guardian. It has been claimed that Alastair Campbell sexed-up Tony Blair's 45 minute WMD claim whilst the case for invading Iraq was being made. New Statesman. A report has shown that UK households… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 8 May 2008 7:52 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Munchies

New cannabis law to 'make no difference'

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has your safety in mind, you know. And that's why she has spearheaded a bold move against the greatest social evil facing Britain today - the legions of people rolling a bit of plant residue into a cigarette, smoking it and giggling to themselves all… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 8 May 2008 2:54 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Scripted One Liners

Punch and Judy round 2

Gordon Brown and David Cameron impugned each other's integrity during a heated debated at Prime Minister's Question time this afternoon. Mr Cameron accused Mr Brown of being more concerned with his celebrity buddies than his political responsibilities, stating that the Prime Minister did nothing all day but sit around 10… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 4:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fun and Games

Change the world in one easy lesson

Bored of watching TV? Fed up of spending those long and dreary weekends doing nothing more than sipping tea in the garden or comparing mortgage rates with the neighbours? Do you feel that your life lacks any sense of purpose or meaning? That middle-age has already caught up with you?… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 12:21 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Anglophilia

David Cameron held up by trains..

Being English isn't easy. Occasionally it feels like we're nothing more than a nation of idiots being told what to do by morons who get their orders from absolute perverts. It's quite a painful experience. To top that off, there's the bad weather, the yobs yelling at each other outside… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 8:42 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bojo to unveil booze ban...

Boris Johnson is to unveil a ban of alcohol on public transportation. Channel 4. It was revealed that a third of British employees have turned up to work with a hangover. BBC. Ed Balls is seeking to help dyslexic pupils by providing them with one-to-one lessons. The Guardian. The Lib… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 7 May 2008 7:46 AM. Permalink

Celebrity Cabinet

Crewe MP may possibly be sexy

'Phwooar,' the average Daily Star reader thinks 30 times a minute. 'Birds, eh? They're brilliant, ain't they? They're well sexy, especially when they put on bikinis and show off their tits! I bloody love women, me. Tell you what - one of these days I may even get round… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 May 2008 12:27 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Gordon Brown gets more bad news

Just like you wolfing through a big tube of Pringles or enduring a marathon thumb-twiddling session on Grand Theft Auto 4, it seems that fate has found a new hobby with which to amuse itself. The morish habit in question? Delivering body blows to PM Gordon Brown. Just how… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 7 May 2008 12:07 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Whip Cracking

New immigration points system unleashed...

The government has announced new guidelines for a points-based immigration system, which it claims will make things fairer for British citizens as they seek employment. It is also claimed that the move will ensure that only those with skills needed in Britain are entitled to work in the UK by… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 1:28 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Breakdowns

Ken Livingstone: the next chapter

The Evening Standard has iced the cake of its hate campaign against Ken Livingstone by posting a rather sombre picture of the crestfallen ex-mayor cleaning out his office. And whilst it's not unusual to see Red Ken looking more than a little disgruntled, it must be said that he looks… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 12:44 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Acquiescence

Boris Johnson to comb his hair

Boris Johnson: Mayor of London, dabbler, raconteur, and sophisticated dresser. Westmonster isn't the first to point out the importance of the Mayoral Hairdo, but perhaps we're the first to prognosticate its rapidly becoming status as a national treasure. In our preferred vision for the future, thousands will flock to London… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 11:26 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Structure and Discipline

Bojo begins with boot camp

In one of his first move as the new Mayor of London, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (Bojo to you) has avowed to tackle that irritating trend among the youth of London to kill one another. His methods for doing so combine a virile cocktail of volunteer-run youth clubs, old… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 9:47 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Still hope for Labour...

It has been said that Labour 'can still win the next election'. The Guardian. The NHS has claimed that the public are in favour of the government's proposed 'polyclinic' scheme. The Guardian. New rules regarding the number of skilled migrants allowed to work in the UK are to be announced… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 6 May 2008 7:47 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Gordon Brown feels your pain...

Gordon Brown feels your pain. The Guardian. New York's mayor, Michael Bloomberg, is to visit Boris Johnson on Friday to give him some mayoral advice. The Guardian. Tony Blair has paid £4m for the former home of the actor Sir John Gielgud. The Guardian. The government has plans to open… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 5 May 2008 7:55 AM. Permalink

All change please

Blair: 'well done, Boris'

No, not that Blair. To be perfectly honest, it sometimes seems to Westmonster that good ol' Tone doesn't really deal in politics anymore - unless he's diplomatically assessing the seating arrangements for his latest dinner party appearance. We're talking about Sir Ian Blair, Metropolitian Police Commissioner and the man… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 May 2008 8:35 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Last Chance Saloons

Jack Straw maintains delusions of victory

Commentators have been calling it the 'May Day Massacre', and it isn't hard to see why: nationwide elections have officially thrust a stake into the heart of the New Labour dream. Like a child burying a deceased pet gerbil, it's time to close the lid of the shoebox, assemble… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 3 May 2008 8:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Reverence

All hail the mighty Bojo: election results in

Well Boys and Girls, it's official: London town is not the town it was just yesterday. News just in from Union Futures has shown that the virtues of Capitalism have once again vanquished the evils of Communism as Boris Johnson has officially managed to snatch the role of London Mayor… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 11:41 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bets Being Off

All signs point to Bojo..

Both Politicalbetting.com and the one of the FT blogs have reported that Paddypower, the Irish Book Makers, has already started paying out on Boris Johnson winning the Mayoral Election - despite the fact that votes haven't been officially counted yet. [This would be a good place to stick one of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 2:34 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Shameless Admissions

Barack Obama likes Sex and the City...

Barack Obama used the magical medium of television to reach out to the common people yesterday. In a slot on the David Letterman show he appeared in a recorded video message in which excited viewers could watch the presidential hopeful reel off ten 'Surprising Facts' about himself. After watching the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 1:48 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Change

David Cameron is pleased with himself...

This time last week Westmonster claimed that the times were a-changin' and it appears that we're not the only ones who think so: After the mauling that his party inflicted on Labour yesterday David Cameron has stated in his usual buttery tones that the results stand as a 'big moment'… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:53 PM. Permalink

Ministry for A Thousand Words

Brown's picture to be placed in dictionary...

There are rumours that the Oxford English Dictionary is to consider placing a picture of Gordon Brown next to the word 'delusional'. An Oxford University Press press release stated that: "In our ever expanding age of multimedia consumerism, MTV, Youtube, and Google Images, it is only to be expected that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 12:07 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Labour hammered in local elections..

Research suggests that Labour were 'hammered' in the local elections, slipping to third place beneath both the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats. BBC. The Telegraph. The results for the London Mayoral Election will be revealed today. BBC. The Guardian. Tony Blair has made his first appearance on Time Magazine's list of… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 2 May 2008 7:29 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Complimentary Beverages

Gordon Brown votes in elections..

All reports show that Gordon Brown rose bright and early this morning in order to cast his votes for the both the local and mayoral elections. We're assuming that he ticked the boxes marked 'Labour', but there's always a chance that he confused himself again and scribbled his X next… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 May 2008 12:53 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Vote early and vote often...

Millions will vote today in the UK local elections. BBC. ePolitix. Londoners will also be voting in the Mayoral Election. ePolitix. It was revealed that a quarter of UK pupils will not get into their first choice primary school. The Times. The House of Lords has ruled that doctors trained… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 1 May 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Gordon Brown 'lacking confidence' and 'neurotic'

If there's one thing that Gordon Brown must hate right now - other than the grinning spectre of Tony Blair swirling around his bed, laughing like a nightmarish Dickensian omen - it's polls and reports. Actually, that's two things. But you know what we mean. Every time a new… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 1 May 2008 1:44 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Shots In The Foot

Labour: now annoying men in Wigan

You don't need Westmonster to tell you that today is a pretty darn pivotal one for the Labour government. Therefore you'd assume that the last thing they would want to do is go around offending people. Well ... offending them more than they have with an incompetent PM, a… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 1 May 2008 1:23 AM. Permalink

May 2008 Archives