Ministry for Potty Training

Brown admits that he doesn't really know what he's doing..

You've noticed that tangible air of perturbation that has been hovering like a summer rain cloud over the UK for the past few months. It got to you. On an evening you can't think straight; your head is a barrage of fervid thoughts and questions that come rocking towards you… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 Apr 2008 4:23 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cheapshots

Paddick's new campaign videos rattle some cages...

Days before the Mayoral Election and Brian Paddick has being causing a bit of a stir with a series of American style 'attack ads' aimed at his opponents. These two videos, which were originally posted over at the Lib Dem Voice blog, show Paddick's campaign taking a slightly smutty turn… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 Apr 2008 2:57 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Dunking

Tea and biscuits with Bojo...

As the build-up to tomorrow's London Mayoral Election campaigning reaches its coda candidates are doing everything that they can in the last minute dash to the finish line. Of course, in his usual pollyannaish manner, it is Boris Johnson that has found the most novel way of motivating his team… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 30 Apr 2008 9:49 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Kate Hoey: media roundup

Controversy-a-go-go as we get closer to the London Mayoral Election: former sports minister Kate Hoey has accepted a post as 'part of Boris Johnson's team' should the bumbling Tory pip Ken to the post. Bizarrely she is claiming the move doesn't compromise her status as a Labour MP, and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 Apr 2008 11:16 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Bill Clinton unsurprisingly dislikes Obama

'Stand by your man,' Tammy Wynette once sang, not realising that many of her listeners may have to do exactly that. And - following Hillary's forgiveness towards those cheeky little cigar-meets-intern antics a decade back - Bill Clinton clearly owes his wife a favour or two. Consider it returned.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 Apr 2008 11:02 PM. Permalink

Cesspool on the Potomac: Thames Edition

London Elections: empty register?

Hey. Do you live in London? Are you aged between 25-34? Are you registered to vote? Chances are that - among that particular target bracket - 27% percent of you will have either shaken your head miserably or yelled 'voting? I don't need to do that! What have those… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 Apr 2008 10:42 PM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Now Labour MPs attack 'super-surgeries'

You wouldn't exactly call the Labour government a shining beacon of harmonious unity, yet fresh comments from York MP Hugh Bayley must nevertheless come as a surprise to the higher echelons of the party - not to mention their no-doubt overworked public relations team. Labour has recently announced plans… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 29 Apr 2008 10:29 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Phat Beats

All you other David Camerons are just imitating

David Cameron has admitted that, despite wanting to, he has been unable to avoid the 'Punch and Judy' style of debating that reigns supreme within Parliament; because a 'quieter tone' was ineffective when dealing with Gordon Brown. The admission comes as a disappointment for many Cameron followers, especially after they… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 Apr 2008 12:16 PM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Bye Bye Brown..

Latest polls forecast big losses for Labour of up for 200 council seats in England and Wales. The Guardian. A family who dialled 999 after axe brandishing masked raiders entered their house were told by police that they were 'too busy' to come and help. The Times. Interest rates in… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 29 Apr 2008 7:42 AM. Permalink

Foreign Affairs

Italy apparently fond of right-wing leaders

Quick note to any lefties out there who are a little dismayed with Boris Johnson's poll lead: imagine how your Italian counterparts must feel. Not only did the nation decide to re-elect notorious right-winger Silvio Berlusconi this month - a move which provoked much international forehead-slapping - but now… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 28 Apr 2008 11:21 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Jack Straw officially 'sorry'

Sometimes apologising can be the hardest thing to do. Especially if you're a politician - it's traditionally seen as a sign of weakness akin to painting a target on your forehead, handing a crossbow to your opponents and giving them a cheeky wink and a thumbs-up. Yet there are… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 28 Apr 2008 10:57 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Huckabee: potential Vice President?

Rumours are beginning to fly that former Republican leadership candidate Mike Huckabee - he of the frankly astonishing HuckChuckFacts commercial - may well end up as running mate for possible president John McCain. Huckabee is remaining calm about the whole thing, but has stated that the position would be… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 28 Apr 2008 10:41 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Britain on 'budget blacklist'

We've all had to have that awkward conversation with the bank manager sometimes. You know the sort - he shuffles his papers, looks at you from over his spectacles and asks you if it's really necessary to extend your overdraft so that you can take a course of helicopter-flying… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 28 Apr 2008 10:21 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fisticuffs

Brown shrugs off Blair's 'loser' comments

In a move that is many ways analogous to his nonchalant leadership skills, Gordon Brown this morning 'shrugged off' the spiteful playground claims that Tony Blair had once called him a 'liar and a loser'. Speaking at a press conference, the PM vehemently stated that he "wasn't bothered what that… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 3:36 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Cheapshots

Hillary to solve world's nut cracking problems..

Ladies and Gentlemen, Westmonster is proud to introduce you to the solution to all of your nut cracking needs: the Hillary Clinton Nutcracker. Standing as the most obtuse of the Anti-Hillary merchandise available for sale in America, the Hillary Nutcracker acts as a fine example of post-feminist understanding and ideological… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 12:17 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fully Automatics

Bang! Bang! Bang! It's the BNP!

It can't be easy being a member of the BNP. In fact, we'd either go so far as to say that it either takes a lot of balls or an incredibly inspired dose of ignorance (obviously the latter) to even think about being so: Not only do you have to… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 10:34 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Despite strike, oil firms report record profits..

The strike at the Grangemouth oil refinery may cost the industry an estimated £50m a day. The Guardian. The Telegraph. Oil firms such as Shell and BP report profits soaring to around £68bn. The Guardian. It was revealed that home repossessions will increase by more than a quarter this year.… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 28 Apr 2008 7:43 AM. Permalink

Roundup

Brown vs. Blair vs. Levy: media roundup

So Lord Levy's autobiography A Question Of Honour - kind of like A Question Of Sport, but hopefully not as utterly soul-destroying - has begun its inevitable serialisation prior to release, and all sorts of strange tidbits are emerging from the former aide to Tony Blair. Here's a meedja… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 Apr 2008 11:43 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Fair Play

Official: UK election process slightly dodgy

How Britons watched the 2000 US Presidential election with amazement and incredulity. Confusion? Hanging chads? Recounts? Voters being omitted? That could never happen on this glorious island, surely? Why, Westmonster would place bets that we could remove all sorts of electoral regulations and the process would still be completely… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 Apr 2008 11:26 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

George Bush: comedian

Move aside, Hicks. Take a hike, Kinison. And you, Bruce - take that needle out of your arm and pack yer bags, Lenny-boy. There's a new comic genius in town, and he's a high-profile name guaranteed to draw in the crowds. True, the crowds might all be intent on… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 27 Apr 2008 11:04 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Bleak Outlooks

Numbers: the times they are a-changin'

It's been a busy day for political numbers: Over at The Guardian they have a report on the latest opinion poll statistics concerning the London Mayoral Election. Surprisingly for some, perhaps most of all Ken Livingstone, they show that London's favourite anarchist has managed to overtake Boris Johnson and creep… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Apr 2008 6:25 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Chinese Proverbs

David Cameron and the curse of the masturbating monkeys..

In a pure moment of edification and spiritual insight, an old Chinese Master once looked upon the setting sun and said with profound awareness: Once a monkey starts masturbating it cannot stop. It was a wise and sagacious metaphor for the nature of human actions, something that has no… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Apr 2008 5:52 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Munchies

Boris Johnson is down with the kids...

Boris Johnson professed his love of da herb (marijuana) yesterday when asked whether he thinks it should be made legal for medicinal use. Perhaps that explains his famously whimsical sense of humour. As part of a question and answer session held by the Telegraph, Mr. Johnson got groovy when replying… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Apr 2008 1:12 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Easier on the inside..

The Prisons Union claims that life in UK jails is so comfortable that the prisoners don't ever want to leave The Guardian. The Telegraph. The Times. An oil refinery strike threatens to trigger panic-buying at petrol stations in Scotland and northern England. The Times. Security surrounding the Olympic Torch in… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 25 Apr 2008 7:55 AM. Permalink

VOX-POPPED!

Tory poll lead evokes ghastly Thatcher spirit

Everywhere you look, it's like 1987 all over again. Why, just glance over there - it's the debut album from Guns N Roses being listened to by hot new film star Pauly Shore. Phew. And what about that Terry Waite kidnapping, eh? Bet he'll be home in no time.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Apr 2008 12:28 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

MPs using your tax money to employ own relatives

Nepotism is a part of life. Westmonster has come to accept this. Sure, there may be cases in which it is utterly disgusting and inexcusable (Max Gogarty, anyone?), but the fact remains: we've all accepted the odd favour from a friend or relative. It's just the way life works.… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 25 Apr 2008 12:00 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Smiling on The Inside

Research suggests conservatives are happier than liberals

The Freakanomics blog has an interesting article today which claims that Conservatives are generally happier than Liberals. Although the research is based on samples from the American population, Westmonster couldn't help but wonder whether or not the same could be said of the English... Despite research suggesting that Conservatives… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Apr 2008 3:18 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Old Friends

New Livingstone, New Danger?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, The Guardian today reveals that Ken Livingstone has been receiving campaign advice from none other than ex-pm Tony Blair and his spin doctor friend Alastair Campbell. The move comes at a time when we were secretly hoping… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Apr 2008 1:41 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Brown asks Americans for campaign tactics..

Gordon Brown asks Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for campaign advice. The Times. About a third of classrooms in England and Wales will be closed today due to the teachers' strike. BBC. A bill which would force all peers to pay UK taxes is to be debated today. ePolitix. Chinese… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 24 Apr 2008 7:49 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

What next for Hillary Clinton?

We know exactly what you're thinking. You're thinking: "now that Hillary Clinton has secured victory in the Pennsylvania Democractic Primary, what does the future have in store for her campaign?". Well - either that or you're thinking "who are you? What is this site? Why am I here? I… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 24 Apr 2008 12:52 AM. Permalink

All change please

Tories sneer at Brown's climb-down

The Conservatives are having a field day - and probably a field fortnight, with a couple of field bank holidays slotted in - with the Prime Minister right now. Following the debacle of the 10p tax rate issue - which would hit 5 million plus low-paid workers - PM… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 24 Apr 2008 12:16 AM. Permalink

Blast from the past

Tony Blair: artistically knackered

If you were posing for a painting, you'd probably want to look your best. Needless to say this wouldn't involve having the inner turmoil of attempting to redefine your sullied legacy etched onto every line of your oh-so weary face. Unless you like that sort of thing. Ex-PM Tony… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 11:55 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

US politicians 'meddling' with scientists

According to figures released by the Union Of Concerned Scientists - which, as a name, is surely up there with the Federation Of Annoyed Librarians - political interference in the scientific realm is rampant. Nearly 900 scientists at the Environmental Protection Agency claim that they can't get a moment's… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 11:37 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Social Intrusion

Government asks supermarkets to spy on migrants..

In a move that sounds like the plot of a bad movie, The Telegraph has reported that the government wants councils to start spying on migrants in supermarkets. It all seems like some lo-fi Orwellian nightmare but is ostensibly based in fact. It all revolves around supermarkets such as Tesco,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Apr 2008 12:41 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Flag Flying

St. George's Cross to wow Downing Street..

In an unprecedented display of patriotism, Gordon Brown has revealed that the flag of St. George will be hanging outside number 10 today. It is Saint George's Day, after all. As part of the PM's new move on flag-flying practices, the St. George's flag is to be hung out every… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Apr 2008 9:37 AM. Permalink

Ministry for The Hot and Sticky

Toilet sex scene excites Welsh Assembly..

Ministers at the Welsh National Assembly have gotten their knickers in a bit of a twist after it was revealed that a TV company used a toilet near their building to film a sex scene. Reports don't say anything regarding the graphic content of the shots but, based on the… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Apr 2008 8:56 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Darling pays off..

Banks have agreed to help lenders after yesterday's talks with Alistair Darling. The Guardian. Jacob Zuma, the leader of South Africa's governing ANC, is in town for talks with Gordon Brown. BBC. Labour's 10p tax rebels have demanded that ministers must provide up to £1bn in compensation. The Guardian. The… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 23 Apr 2008 7:42 AM. Permalink

A Wee Problem

Another badly-judged government logo ...

Thanks to Lester Haines over at The Register for highlighting this little ... erm ... cock-up. Following the Swastika-lookalike debacle of the Olympics logo, you'd think that government organisations would be extra careful when it comes to designing new idents. Nothing wrong with the rebranded Office Of Government Commerce… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 1:25 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Hillary Clinton: 'I'd obliterate Iran. Possibly'

What with the anti-war movement forming a huge part of the Democratic voting base, you'd think that both leadership candidates would be keeping the gung-ho mentality to an absolute minimum. Think about it. What would that nice Bill Maher say? Seems that this internal memo must have slipped Hillary… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 1:11 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Transport Trauma

Tony Blair dodges train fare

When one hears the words 'train fare dodger', what mental image immediately springs to mind? The skint student legging it away from the ticket inspector as fast as his backpack will allow? The wily chav, making excellent use of his Burberry cap by sliding it over his eyes and… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 12:54 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Civil Disobedience

George Galloway: 'my rubber ball hell'

Chances are - if you happen to live in our glorious overpriced capital - that you've recently borne witness to the sight of George Galloway cruising around on his open-top campaign bus, babbling into his loudspeaker like a man possessed. Ironically George seems intent on preaching the word of… read more…

Written by C J Davies on 23 Apr 2008 12:12 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Matches in Heaven

Lembit Opik to marry Cheeky Girl..

Westmonster is excited to announce that Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik is engaged to his girlfriend, Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irima. We hope that our readers feel the same sense of awe and bewilderment as we do. The couple, who reportedly met at a Convention for Lop-sided Smilers in 2006,… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 Apr 2008 11:49 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Dance Moves

Boris proposes to save London through music and drama

In a poignant speech made yesterday Boris Johnson showcased his vision for a better London and told of a secret dream that he harbours regarding the transformative powers of art. It was a dream for the future. A dream to inspire. Something so culturally mind-blowing that, generations from now, our… read more…

Written by Oli Anderson on 22 Apr 2008 10:51 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

April 2008 Archives