Alternative budget

In his Alternative Universe Budget today, Alistair Darling, wearing a purple Paul Smith suit and an orange French Connection shirt, opened his statement with a fantastic joke about the French economy before proceeding to cut spending as a result of the Northern Rock fiasco and the global spending slowdown. He announced an end to "reviews" and laid out 10 actions he would take over the next 12 months, to be reported back on and assessed at next year's budget statement. He criticised the NHS for running an unforecast surplus and cut back the service's budget as a response to clear over-funding. He cut duty on alcohol served in public houses in an attempt to regenerate the pub's status at the centre of the community, while announcing a 50% tax on alcohol sold in supermarkets.

David Cameron leapt to his feet to congratulate Darling on an honest, amusing and innovative budget. He admitted that the Tories were still in the process of ironing out their tax-and-spending programme, and committed to making no further criticisms of the Chancellor until he could put up compelling and plausible alternatives. He made no glib remarks whatsoever.

Nick Clegg got up and apologised for screwing up his first fortnight at leader of the Liberal Democrats.

And Ed Balls bravely responded to criticisms of higher taxation by yelling "So what?" and thus skewering any suggestion that the government is hiding its taxation agenda.