Morning roundup: UGH edition

Westmonster is ill. Very ill. Not going into details but needless to say that as soon as she's done this belated roundup, she's hot-footing it down the quack. Remember me in your prayers.
David Abrahams is still flouncing around, roaring that he'll like, TOTALLY put all his cards on the table and embarrass loads more Labour politicians. Sigh. This scandal is becoming like a Hollyoaks plotline: after the initial novelty of a new story, the viewing public has to sit through six months of ham acting and tedium whilst lots nearly happens ... but doesn't.
Abrahams asked for a peerage, according to a Labour MP. Whaaaaa ...? Oh. The Telegraph assures us that this is simply a "Labour smear" as opposed to "a serious question" (when the Tories voice an opinion). Guess the 7ft pink Elvis is also a "smear"?
Select Committee asks what the point is of retaining only 2,500 troops in Iraq from next year.
The British teacher jailed in Sudan for crimes against the naming of teddy bears is to be released.