LIVE!: PMQs, 5/12/07

So, what did we think?

Again, Westmonster feels that Cameron was competent enough, but banging on about the chairmanship of a Committee stopped short of winning the They Talk About Nothing Else On The Streets of Rotherham Award. Possibly he was wary of dragging the Donorgate thing out any longer for fear of the Gord firing back with a few questions of his own as to the Tories' funding practices. Vince was good on Northern Rock again, but Brown's joke about how perhaps he was better on his (Vince's) jokes than he was on economics was a reasonable put down.

11:57AM: Wee Dougie's winding up, as the weekly scramble to get into place goes on behind him. No sign of Harriet or her elbows yet, though.

11:59AM: Sigh. Dougie's just informed us that he's "not going to take lectures from the party opposite ..." When did this phrase pass into common usage? It surely ranks with "sexed up" in terms of crapness.

12PM: Brian Binley kicks off with a quote "politics is the art of ..." and then starts screaming, actually screaming, concluding with "DIAGNOSING THE WRONG REMEDY!!!!!" What the ... ? He's largely drowned out eventually by the "wooooooooooo!" calls from the Opposition, and the Gord, who seems to have ~~had a heads up on the question~~ been well briefed, is able to tell everyone how everything's fine on party funding. Coz apparently that's what the question was about.

12:03PM: Cameron shimmers to his feet and asks why the Committee for Standards in Public Life has been chairmanless for, like, ages. The Gord: "ackshually we're appointing someone today. So ner! And by the way, what do you think on party funding. Eh? Eh?"

12:04PM: The Boy David bats back with a further question on the empty seat where Sir Alistair was. Okay. The Gord largely ignores this and asks again whether he wants to Talk About Sir Hayden Phillips, Baby. Cameron is all, "yeah, but what about those thousands smelly working class people in the unions who should collectively have less power than gorgeous pouting Michael Ashcroft?"

12:07PM: Brown rejoins that he's happy to talk party funding, but Cameron's already on to Des Browne and how he's part time (he also does the Scottish Office). The Gord: "Des is great!" Cameron: "appoint a full time Secretary of State for Defence!" Jesus, unless there's a killer blow up his sleeve, Davy REALLY needs to fire an advisor.

12:09PM: Oooh, there's Harriet! The Gord is all, "I've heard you'll cut spending." Cameron: "yeah, but Lord Boyce says ..." Next stop: quoting from Monty Python. Dave moves on to prison building and asks whether the Gord agrees that sentences should fit the crime rather than prison capacity.

12:11PM: Brown starts channelling Morrissey and is all, "well, when your lot was in charge there was Panic On The Streets Of London."

12:12PM: Christ, Cameron's started reading his scripted gag, and attempts to do a "Vince Cable" by likening the Gord to the bloke who went missing on the canoe for ten years or something. Leave the gags to the professional, love. The Gord responds in kind by reading muchly from the Labour Party Pocket Guide Of Lots Of Lovely Stuff We've Achieved. The House feigns interest in both and cheer where required.

12:14PM: A brief one from Jeff Ennis and the Vince Himself is on his feet, and asking about Northern Rock and whether the taxpayer will get its collective wonga back should Richard Branson be put in charge. Brown says, "we've done the right thing, innit?" Vince rejoins with a call for ... NATIONALISATION! OMG! There's a series of dull thumps as half the ultra-Blairites on the Labour benches fall to the ground in a swoon.

12:16PM: Jim McGovern asks a question on the crapness of Tesco in terms of their employment practices, followed by Peter Bone (Tory) with a query as to why a simple sight-saving treatment is not available on the NHS. The Gord says that it's a matter for NICE.

12:18PM: Hillary Armstrong on the backbenches (oh, how the mighty are fallen) with a softball on the importance of volunteers to the international development agenda. The Gord agrees that more middle class kids need to be sent overseas on gap years to enhance their CVs and watch the poor people. Sorry, Westmonster is ill and cynical today.

12:19PM: Andrew George AGAIN? Is he doing someone in the Table Office? Anyway, question on housing.

12:22PM: Philip Dunne drags his quiff to its feet and accuses the maxim of "education for the many not the few" has more to do with Labour investing more in their areas than they are in the Tories. The Gord responds by reading out statistics.

12:23PM: Lyn Brown wants to know what the Government's doing to help the homeless and those in temporary accomodation, and Brown, G. is able to reassure her that investment is afoot. Greg Hands leaps up to have a jab at the recent Donorgate scandal. The Gord: "are you going to talk about Hayden Phillips proposals? No? Then bugger off!" Greg: sad.

12:24PM: The Prodigal Mercer (temporary inhabitant of the Big Tent) to ask a question on coroners' inquests on war dead. Brown responds gravely and pledges more money for such matters.

12:26PM: Andrew Dismore wants Brown to celebrate the contribution of the Jewish community. Oh my God! Somebody page Yasmin Alibhai-Brown - it's a conspiracy! And now ... it's Mad Nad! Apparently a child in her constituency is living in total poverty and the Gord agrees to meet her.

12:29PM: DUP-er David Simpson on policing and security in Northern Ireland, follwed by Gordon Marsden on the fabulousness of apprenticeships and isn't this achievement down to the rippingly fabulous nature of the comrades as opposed to the Conservatives? The Gord: "yes."

12:30PM: And ... we're out. Thanks folks.

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Dec 2007 11:40 AM. Permalink