While You Were Sleeping

Immigration for grown-ups

The Government doesn't know. The Daily Mail doesn't know. The Local Government Association doesn't know. Even London's taxi drivers don't know. So what exactly is going on with immigration in Britain? Well, the Barrow Cadbury Trust have had a stab at investigating. The report contains the memorable phrase "Britain's diversity… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Dec 2007 11:39 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Westmonster's Weekly Pop Chart

What you were reading on Westmonster this week: 1. A Sad Day: Westmonster mourns the death of Newsnight and the continuing world domination of Simon Cowell 2. Nick Clegg v. the iPhone. Deathmatch! And it's Clegg by a hair! 3. All bets are off. Terrible news in the polls for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Dec 2007 10:54 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Schengen, Shaun and shenanigans

BONG! From today, you can drive from Lisbon to Tallinn without a passport. Which is extraordinary, given that 60 years ago you'd have needed a tank and a dose of megalomania. We're still reeling from the fact there's now a Polish food aisle in Dog Kennel Hill Sainsbury's. Given they… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Dec 2007 4:52 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Not Holding One's Breath

Commish: "A bit of a limpet"

In an interview with the Today programme, Met Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair called himself "a bit of a limpet." Um… OK, whatever. Oh, he's talking about not resigning. Glad he took that seriously. Blair goes on to say: In terms of my commission, I think it is quite likely… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 21 Dec 2007 10:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Chucky's back!

When Cleggers sorts out a shadow cabinet, he doesn't mess about. Everyone's favourite ex-LibDem leader is right in the mix, as President of the European Movement. Westmonster has no idea what the "European Movement" is, but suspects it might have to do with wine. Because anti-prostitution laws have been such… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 21 Dec 2007 9:23 AM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Fake news out of re-runs

Had enough of NewsKnight? Westmonster is ecstatic to report that, just in time for the presidential primary elections to kick off, U.S. television network Comedy Central has announced the return of fake-news funny men Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to the airwaves, from 7th January. Both stars' programmes had been… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 21 Dec 2007 8:58 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Cleggers Prays Not

Is it us, or does Christmas come earlier every year? News has fallen off a cliff in the last 48 hours since the terrific excitement of Cleggers' election. And yes, we are including the announcement of the Cleggers "front bench team" (actually front-bench-and-a-bit-off-to-the-side team). BONG! He might not believe in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Dec 2007 5:20 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

The BNP love story

Sometimes, a story warms your heart so much, you just have to burst out laughing. So principal ballerina Simone Clarke with the English National Ballet, is set to marry the party's London mayoral candidate (good luck with that one, BNPers, the Tories have got BORIS), Richard Barnbrook. Clarke was outed… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 20 Dec 2007 10:15 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

Jeffrey Archer Watch: Art

Jeffrey's been to the palace to see some Renaissance art: Desmond Shawe-Taylor Surveyor of the Queen's Pictures, pointed out in his introduction that after the beheading of Charles I, the wicked Cromwell sold off his massive collection, and clever Louis of France got his hands on it. We would otherwise… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Dec 2007 9:47 AM. Permalink

Ministry for telling us it's all okay

Broon: "Everything's fine!"

The economy's fine, everything's fine, nothing to worry about! All current problems will be "forgotten quickly"! If you say so, leader. PS: Even he doesn't want the PM to give out peerages anymore! Thanks to The Chap for the superb pic.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 20 Dec 2007 9:09 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

A BNP divided

The BNP appears to be riven asunder and they think that'll be the reason no one votes for them. Um no. It's the racism thing, kids. What does the wise party spokesman, Simon Derby, have to say? He denies the BNP is irrevocably split - claiming it is simply going… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 20 Dec 2007 8:24 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

A sad day

Westmonster is sad to report, officially, the Death of Political Journalism on the BBC. This follows last night's edition of the BBC's flagship political news programme, Newsnight, which chose to cover the LibDem leadership election with a useless analogy to the X Factor and which was then followed by a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Dec 2007 9:46 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

Visa bond wins no fans

Who was ever going to like this proposed policy? The international press is, unsurprisingly, not amused. In the British press, the detractors are lining up to have their say. Keith Vaz makes the point that a wedding could cost a family £20k in guest visas. The Joint Council for the… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 19 Dec 2007 9:30 AM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Welching on Clegg

Intriguing stuff over at politicalbetting.com, where Mike Smithson is calling out one of his commenters over welching on a bet. The commenter, called The Observer (maybe he's a Silver Surfer fan but The Watcher was already taken), claims to be a "senior member" of the LibDems and offered a bet… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Dec 2007 9:27 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

"All parties do make mistakes"

Cammers' local party was naughty and took £7,400 in illegal gifts. When they realised their naughtiness, they returned the money. Of course, Cammers is all innocent and that, but he said that "Labour's mistakes are of a different order." The funds were forfeited because the benefactors were not on the… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 19 Dec 2007 9:00 AM. Permalink

All change please

Missing Vince Cable

The Telegraph is nostalgic for the Cable and his acting-leadership-ways already. Here's what they - speaking for us all - love about him, in order: Making coup jokes as he hands over the Mr LibDem crown Ballroom dancing with Alesha, once of Mis-Teeq Making Gord quake (but not in a… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 19 Dec 2007 8:57 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

The decorators have been in

BONG! The LibDems have a shiny new leader: all hail CleggHuhneMan! And more importantly these days, they have a shiny new homepage, featuring new leader without a tie. Gasp! Casual inclusiveness! BONG! Government proposes to cut tourist visas to three months from six for non-EU visitors, to prevent people "overstaying… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Dec 2007 5:56 PM. Permalink

Department for Ctrl-Alt-Delete

IT: harder than you think

We were going to write a long, thoughtful post on government IT, bringing in our own experiences from the land of private technology and web media, and it was going to be really good. But then bloody Dizzy Thinks wrote it instead. His point is this: until government IT is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Dec 2007 3:46 PM. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

Jeffrey Archer Watch: Primogeniture

More from Jeffrey Archer land with his latest post, which seeks to exploit the birth of a royal child by reminding us of Jeffrey's own illustrious legislative past: The archaic law that suggests that every woman should be pushed aside in favour of a man when it comes to ascending… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Dec 2007 3:36 PM. Permalink

Westmonster Deathmatches

Nick Clegg vs. iPhone

Westmonster now presents the first in what we hope will be a regular series we're calling "Westmonster Deathmatches." Today's deathmatch pits just-crowned LibDem leader Nick Clegg against Apple's iPhone. The results may shock and amaze you. Nick CleggiPhone… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 18 Dec 2007 2:54 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

CleggHuhneMan beats HuhneCleggMan

It wasn't just us who were confused by the apparent similarities between the two LibDem leadership candidates: the LibDems themselves could barely make up their mind. The Cultural Stereotyping Dept. has been warned but, really: LibDems who can't make up their minds? What next? Labour and dodgy property deals? Racist… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Dec 2007 2:40 PM. Permalink

Our Friends Chosen Randomly from the Unemployed

One from the top and five from the bottom

Boulton & Co. over at Sky News have finally answered the question Westmonster didn't know we were dying to ask: Who would be in your dream cabinet? They received 2,226 responses from the vaunted "Sky News Panel" to their multiple-choice survey, and it yielded some horribly exciting results.… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 18 Dec 2007 12:15 PM. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

The Broxtowe Ultimatum

In a story that boasts all the palace intrigue and tragi-comic underpinnings that befit the implosion of Britain's leading racist, fascist paramilitary group nationalist political party, The Guardian reports that 50 senior BNP figures have resigned from the party following Broxtowe BNP councillor Sadie Graham's claim that her home was being… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 11:09 AM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Woohoo! We've got pensions!

Some good news is always nice at Christmas, and the government's found its issue to be beneficent on. They're pouring a huge amount of cash in to compensate the 130,000 workers who had lost theirs when their companies went bust. This being politics however, the story in the papers isn't… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 9:32 AM. Permalink

I'll have some Northern Rock please

A slice of Northern Rock

So there's this secret plan (not so secret anymore, Guardian!) to give a bit of Northern Rock to each of the high street banks. Some interesting points arise from this article: Fish-eye lenses make for weird photosSurely the Gord can break his own fiscal rules? It's only a small matter… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 8:43 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Vince Cable, it's over so soon

Today's the day the LibDems announce their leader! Acting leader Vince Cable (of "I'm off to watch Strictly Come Dancing" fame) will be making the announcement this afternoon. "Cameron-lite" (shudder) Clegg is slightly ahead, according to polls and bookies, and he's already got some reshuffling plans. This article in particular… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 18 Dec 2007 7:59 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

We've sent the discs to Kosovo

BONG! Darling's reassured us about data loss, saying none of the 25 trillion entries has fallen into the wrong hands. He didn't make clear how he could know that. Did he nick it himself? BONG! Britain is sending "80 policemen and judicial officials" to Kosovo. Is that the 21st century… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Dec 2007 6:12 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Pulp Friction Dept.

Handbags drawn

Westmonster's trying to ween itself off coverage of the UK's notoriously thin-skinned political bloggers, but when two of the biggest start laying into each other it's always too good to ignore. RecessMonkey's Alex Hilton started things off with this screed on Comment Is Free, arguing that no-one will ever convince… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Dec 2007 11:32 AM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Jingo-bells

East Midlands Conservative MEP Chris Heaton-Harris has a message for you this Christmas season, and it's sure to keep you warm and cozy as you sit in front of the hearth, dreaming of British Jobs for British People. Heaton-Harris has posted this brilliantly clever, witty, well-put-together animation on his website,… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 17 Dec 2007 11:08 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Paying Saatchi & Saatchi

Publish anything! Except this!

Isn't "Inquiry into Propriety and Peerages" a much nicer name than "cash-for-honours"? Well done the Indy. Also, isn't Lord Levy a scoundrel? He's been trying to stop the publication of a major piece of evidence in the old "here's my donation and here's your title" scandal (Westmonster tries, and fails,… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 10:37 AM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

The secrets of quangos

Well, mainly there's just one secret, and it's their spending. Just 10% of the 900 UK quangos reveal the details of their senior execs' spending. The list of the naughty ones includes the BBC and the Health and Safety Exec. What could they possibly have to hide?… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Mail: Lady voters heart Davy

"Women voters have ended their ten-year love affair with Labour and are switching to the Tories." The Daily Mail, as ever, has the inside track on what's going through the ladies' minds. Apparently, it's this: "What does approval rating mean?" Because the article explains it. Also, children think Cammers is… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Dec 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

All bets are off

The YouGov poll in today's Sunday Times is one of those "all your bases are belong to us" moments for the Tories, indicating as it does that Dave has reached his target of 45% share (which would translate into a whopping 90+ seat majority), 13 points ahead of Labour. As… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Dec 2007 11:10 AM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Basra, BoJo and Bilderberg (possibly)

Basra's been returned to the Iraqis, although British didn't keep the receipt so all it got was a credit note. Nick Clegg's already planning his team, while Chris Huhne is busy stamping out web fires by picking on bloggers. Tories try the "Brown is Scrooge" tack again, this time claiming… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Dec 2007 11:00 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

World saved!

They've agreed a climate deal in Bali, but apparently only because America wants us to like them. Not really a solid basis for world salvation, is it? Chris Paul's been sent some rather nasty stuff about Chris Huhne, and he's printed it in full. This on the day when some… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Dec 2007 11:16 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

It's the real thing

BONG! Soldiers are turning to coke because of stress. Insert marching powder gag here. BONG! 160 MPs call for a rethink on police pay, and ask for three speeding tickets and a fine for indecent exposure to be taken into consideration. BONG! Victims of violent crime are waiting longer for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Dec 2007 5:40 PM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

What does Ed do in the morning?

Are there two Ed Balls (Ballses)? Because there have been major set-piece interviews with the man this week, and they seem to rather contradict each other. First up, there's the Ed Balls whom Rachel Sylvester met, the supercharged wheeler-dealer at the heart of every government initiative:… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Dec 2007 5:05 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Livingstone v. Gilligan: deathmatch!

Bob Piper's given a slap across the wrist to Iain Dale, following Dale's hurrah for a story by Andrew Gilligan, no less, claiming that Lee Jasper holds some kind of Vulcan death-grip on the London Development Agency and all its doings. Piper's slamming Dale because he believes Ken Livingstone's response… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Dec 2007 3:23 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

The issues that matter

World drying up..... politicians don't care..... British sovereignty being signed away..... police threatening strike action..... the world's identity thieves just waiting to pounce on 25 million poor benefit claimants.... Nadine Dorries..... There's certainly a bulging pre-Christmas basket of woe for any self-respecting third party seeking a narrative to delve into.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Dec 2007 3:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Assigning Blame

Theresa May appraises Brown

Well, it's harsh, to say the least. It seems safe to say that this is one six-month review that won't end in a pay rise. 9. Absolute disaster. "It would be an absolute f*cking disaster if Gordon Brown was Prime Minister" (government minister, reported to be John Hutton). Well I… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 14 Dec 2007 10:36 AM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

A Long Time in Politics

Cowardly, like a fox

Westmonster has been following all the hub-bub about the Gord's EU Treaty non-signing with a pile of salt on hand, what with all the hyperbole and bombast out there in the ether, just a grain isn't near enough to do the trick. At the risk of sounding like cheerleaders for… read more…

Written by Andrew Levy on 14 Dec 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

Ooh just one drink then

'Tis the season to feel guilty

So, we're drinking a third more than the Office for National Stats had thought. They've come to this conclusion through changing the goalposts. Predictably, the drinks industry is not best pleased. How to calculate the extent of your drinking problem? Here's a simple guide:… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 14 Dec 2007 9:24 AM. Permalink

Ministry For Assigning Blame

Can't touch this

"It was just resting in my account!" The Government goes a bit Father Ted with David Abrahams' money. All £663,975 of it. It's totally going to be paid back. Eventually.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 14 Dec 2007 8:47 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

56 is the new 42?

La, la, la, 42, 42, 42. Oh, wait. Look at this number tucked away down there at the bottom of the article! So the home affairs committee is still considering 56 eh? Very sneaky. Otherwise, Gordon's had a bit of a bashing from the press this morning. Again. The Telegraph… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 14 Dec 2007 8:13 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

No-one knows what goes on....

BONG! No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, as Charlie Rich sang. Except we do, don't we? Gordon Brown signed a "historic" European treaty behind closed doors today, didn't he? BONG! Yvette Cooper's sick of him indoors getting all the attention. So she's come out with her own social… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Dec 2007 5:15 PM. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

Jeffrey Archer Watch: Theatre

Jeffrey's been to the theatre this week, and had this to say: Pantomime villains can often over-play the role, but he gave a beautifully understated performance of a thoroughly evil and unpleasant man. A sudden bout of self-appraisal, perhaps? Alas no: a reference to Ralph Nickleby, the bad guy in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Dec 2007 4:40 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

Home affairs, they say no

OK, this is getting rather tedious and predictable. People are queuing up to say they don't

December 2007 Archives