Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron?

Gordon Brown (Captain Mainwaring): The long suffering, slightly beleaguered leader of his motley band, the Gord manages to keep his ship in order through weekly crises - just about.

Jack Straw (Sergeant Wilson): "I say chaps, would you mind awfully getting into line? Yes, two nice neat lines, oh I say! Awfully neat, well done!" Mr Straw is both the master of the tearoom chat as well as a skilled Parliamentary operator.

Corporal Jones (Ed Balls): One of the Gord's most trusted advisors and now Secretary of State for Whatever The Department for Education Is Called This Year, the Corp's yells of "don't panic!" are doubtless a calming influence on the Brown Bunker whenever the sh*t hits the fan.

Private Walker (Alan Johnson): Diamond geezer and working boy made good. Well, nearly.

Private Pike (Miliband the Younger): Little David is the youngest member of the Cabinet as well as a sometime-irritant to Brown who had cause to mutter the immortal phrase, "stupid boy," over Miliband's proposed Europe speech last week.

Private Fraser (assorted disgruntled Blairites): Alan Milburn and Charles Clarke - authors of the Anyone But Gordon 2020 Vision website - whose famous response to every minor crisis is: "we're doomed. Doooooomed!"

Mrs Pike (Jacqui Smith): Forceful, distinctly foxy and competent she may be, but would YOU cross her? Often pictured with Miliband the Younger; presumably tells him that he needs to wear his scarf more, otherwise he'll catch a nasty chill.

The Vicar (David Cameron): It's his church hall, his birthright, what are these lower-class trade bozos doing in here?

The Verger (George Osborne): As above, only with more faux indignation.

Warden Hodges (Nick Clegg/Chris Huhne - delete according to prejudice): "Put that bloody light out! Don't you CARE about your carbon footprint?"

[By the way - we're not being serious here. Just so, like, you know.]