Remember, remember ... Local Gov't Guidance 23423/C

Quiet isn't it? In the early stages of the noughties, venturing in the direction of Tesco to pick up a bottle of sweet sherry after dark at this time of year was like going shopping in Basra. Fireworks would explode either side as you ran the gauntlet of lit gunpowder, and the smoke of the battlefield would still lie thickly over the pavements the next morning as wearied workers in the local hospital's burns unit were finally allowed to file home.

So whilst we welcome the legislation that has curbed this sort of behaviour in recent years, this article in the New York Times (even allowing for hyperbole) got Westmonster wondering. How would a modern Guido Fawkes (or even supposing that the blogosphere's own beloved version thereof went postal) undertake gunpowder, treason and plot four hundred and two years after it was first attempted?

First of all, the plotters would have to ensure that all wildlife had been removed from the Palace and so wouldn't be blown up in the general carnage; the last thing any modern-day Fawkes wants to deal with after the event is a postcard campaign organised by PETA and the RSPCA.

Next, are all exits clearly marked and illuminated and are the passageways clear? Should Thomas Percy trip on a soggy Order Paper on the way out and sprain his ankle, the No Win No Fee lawyers would be all over your ass like a rash. Remember kids: prevention is the best cure.

So, you want to make a bonfire in Westminster Hall: have you cleared an approved space, ensured all animals who might have settled there for a wee kip have been moved on (remember that postcard campaign), ensured that the flames and smoke do not violate environmental laws, and consulted widely with the local community to check that non-participants of other religious beliefs and cultural backgrounds will not be offended by what is (at least in part) a demonstration of faith?

Hmmm.

Seems far easier just to do what Slough Borough Council has done and book an Asian Elvis impersonator instead. Having checked, of course, that his hairspray isn't a fire hazard first.

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 11:36 AM. Permalink