In which bollocks were - comprehensively - dropped

"Why, that Cameron talks sense," roar all the newspaper pundits and commentators. Incidentally, the fact that it requires the presence of testicles on the person raising this important issue for the chatterati to take notice is an irony in itself, but never mind that now. Davy wasn't actually proposing owt - apart from some general platitudes about teaching young males that they don't have an entitlement to lady-bits whenever they fancy it - but looked very young and fresh-faced whilst he was mouthing them. A new man. A new vision. A new Britain ... edit according to cheesy political slogan of choice.

Meanwhile, the Gord was having a less satisfying time. Just as a bout of bird flu was detected in Suffolk turkeys, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is outed as having presided over another "whoops, where did I put those immigrants?" scandal. This time, it appears, they haven't wandered far, as many of them are working in the security industry and some actually in the Home Office, but the decision was made a few months ago not to inform the ladies and gentlemen of the press about the fuck-up as it looked a bit, well, shite. Meedja arrange their faces into "outraged expression" and start baying for blood. Jacqui survives a mauling in the House, largely because David Davis was not on form, but this one was set to rumble: when did the Gord know about this?

Brown's attempt to recapture the agenda on Wednesday morning by channelling Private Fraser on national security ("we're all doomed. Doooooomed!") was cheerfully shot to bollocks by the bloke in charge of steering any such legislation through the House of Lords: Big Tent member Admiral Lord West. Having agreed with Humphrys on Today that the extension of the 28 day limit required further examination and he wasn't exactly convinced, the Brown bunker immediately step in and whisk the Traitor off to a Siberian labour camp from which a statement - "the Supreme Leader is correct in all matters" - is issued to the press.

PMQs saw the Gord refuse to answer Cameron's questions about when he knew about the Jacqui Smith Immigrant Shame scandal, and although Brown's performance was a great improvement on recent weeks, the subject matter didn't exactly lend itself to producing wholesale admiration in the viewers.

Towards the end of the week there was much schadenfreude over professional Opposition Politician Alex Salmond reneging on most of his ker-aaaazy manifesto promises in his first budget, but the Gord was not out of the sufficiently out of the woods to enjoy it properly. Miliband the Younger has to make a speech on Europe, sections of which are trailed to the press beforehand. Brown (taking time out from approving the Paperclip Budget submitted by the Supplementary Benefits Office in Kettering) throws a wobbler and takes a red pen to Miliband's scribblings. Obviously the meedja know what's happened because Miliband's speech no longer does what it used to say on the tin. Cue press headlines that may as well read: "CONTROL FREAK BROWN IS TOO BUSY MARKING THE ESSAYS OF HIS MINISTERS AND ATTEMPTING TO EXERT TOTAL CONTROL OVER THE SMALLEST ISSUES TO NOTICE THAT DAVID CAMERON HAS STOLEN A MARCH ON HIM."

Which isn't nice, is it readers?