Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know
Henry Porter: the bicycles need you!
So, we confess that we've been getting a little obsessed with the story of the bloke who was hauled up before the beak for being caught making sweet, sweet love to his bicycle - what can we say? The midlife crisis is a terrible thing.
Nonetheless, there are things that Westmonster would genuinely like to know. And here they are:
- How the chuff does one have sex with a bike? Pr'haps this is common knowledge; Westmonster has led a rather sheltered life in which bike-shaggery has not featured. Well, not much.
- Reluctant as Westmonster is to start channelling Guido and the Devils' Kitchen, isn't what goes on in a chap's private rooms between consenting adults (and, er, bikes) his business and nobody else's?
- What is the legal distinction between getting one's jollies from one of Raleigh's finest and doing so using a vibrator? Is this the first salvo fired in another Attack On The Rights We Have Held Dear Since The Magna Carta? Are women everywhere liable to be arrested for use of items purchased at Ann Summers?
All these things we need to know, but one thing's for certain: I think we can safely say that Henry Porter's inevitable Observer article on the encroaching hand of the police state writes itself this week.
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Another question: does falling onto the gear stick on a 1970s chopper count as "sexual assault on a bike"? Because if it did there'd be an awful lot of sheepish looking fortysomething blokes walking around.
Big news in The Watford Observer today is that:
"Lacey Turner, known to most as Stacey Branning nee Slater from Eastenders, was this week seen leaving Ann Summers in Watford High Street
Too caught up in looking for something to fit in with her name and on-screen personality, Lacey probably failed to realise skimpy underwear and bright pink accessories probably aren't the best thing to hide behind."
Although no bikes are thought to be involved. :-/
So that's why my bikes keep getting stolen. I did wonder.