BREAKING NEWS: sickness afflicts British birds

Evidence has come to light this afternoon that a highly virulent disease has infected one of Britain's best known birds.

"I do find [David Cameron] quite cute", Cheryl Cole told the Daily Star. "He's funny and it's always nice if somebody thinks you're pretty."

There are fears that the infection might spread to other exotic species, and a twenty-four hour watch has been put on the one with the big norks on I'm A Celebrity But My Agent Doesn't Call Anymore by all the major lads' mags.

More on this story as it develops.

In other news, turkeys in Norfolk have emphatically cast their votes against Christmas.