Points, In Order

Polls, rude words, and damsels in distress

BONG! And well he might give the thumbs up: the Labour Party's apparently descended into donation related chaos, and an IPSOS Mori poll confirms the Tories lead and puts them nine percent ahead of the comrades. BONG! Very funny viral email here, courtesy of the Telegraph. C'mon people, it's Friday!… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 6:47 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

Wendy Alexander fingered

The Telegraph is reporting that they have proof that Wendy Alexander, the leader of the Scottish Labour Party, was more than aware of the illegal donation from Paul Green in spite of her protestations that she only found out about the personal contribution to her campaign yesterday. Green, a tax exile, is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 4:33 PM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Sometimes it's hard ... to be a political activist

"Hello, I'm here from your local Labour Party. Have you got time to answer five, quick questions or do you just want to cut to the chase and shout at me for five minutes about "sleaze" as if I were the last outpost of David Abrahams' office in London, a harangue… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 12:46 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Today's YouGov poll

More grim news for the Gord came with the Telegraph's YouGov poll, which put the Tories on 43 (up two) with the comrades on 32 and the LibDems on 14 (both no change). The UK Polling Report sounds a note of caution about getting too Private Fraser ("we're all doomed.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 12:38 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

It's the cleavage, stupid!

As 2008 approaches, it's nice to see feminism blooming so wonderously over on the pages of Femail.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 11:25 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Oh Gord, we're in trouble now

The Dodgy Donor Row is getting unseemly, and somewhat complicated so let's try and do this in some sort of chronological/logical order: Peter Hain's checked his wallet and - who'da thunk it? - nestled between a receipt for Mama Amalfi and one for some extra potent bronzing lotion was one that said,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Nov 2007 8:59 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Brief roundup (Westmonster running late)

BONG! Harriet Harman's still standing after her run-in with Theresa May in Business Questions. Harriet insists she "acted in good faith" and that she would not be, uh, blown down by Ms May. Nurse! The blood pressure tablets. BONG! Another day, another crisis: this time it's Leeds Court. Where tomorrow,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 5:45 PM. Permalink

Department for Diffrunt People

Rock Stars. Is there anything they DON'T know?

Why oh why can't politicians be more like St Bob of Geldof and the assorted celebs who courageously congregate in fields annually, wearing wristbands in a futile attempt to relaunch their careers to demand social change happens, like, yesterday? Well, largely because the public seems to accept bullshit grandstanding from… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 3:01 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Shrum use he was

Believe it or not, the gentleman with the arrow growing out of his head (bow before the mighty imaging skills of Westmonster) is none other than Bob Shrum, who was snapped by a reader returning to Blighty from America earlier in the week. Widely heralded as the mastermind behind the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 2:41 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Mama mia, let me go!

Well, well, well. It seems that the staff at Leeds Crown court have been overly influenced by the bit in Bohemian Rhapsody that comes before the headbanging, and have let a bunch of criminals go. Nice work, boys! After all, they didn't turn up to court, so best just forget… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 2:20 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Finger Pointing

Girls Gone Wild!

Such was the excitement at the scheduled smackdown between Harriet Harman and Theresa May at the Business statement, that here at Westmonster Towers the Colleague consented to turn over from Jeremy Kyle to watch it. The hand of history was briefly on our shoulders. Frivolous frippery first: Theresa May has… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 12:56 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

A messy Business (statement)

The language our friends in the meedja like to use to create the mood is always a joy. People never express "mild irritation" or "indifference," it's always "FURY!" and likewise, nobody is ever "questioned," they are "grilled." The Gord may well want to grill Harriet Harman (preferably slowly, over a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 11:00 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Notes on a Scandal

The Cowley Street Bedouin asks why leadership hopeful Chris Huhne felt it was his place to report the Gord to the coppers over the dodgy loans affair. Whilst most of us have already answered that one (in an assessment that may or may not contain the words "sanctimonious" and… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Nov 2007 7:43 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

The pitfalls of a democratic system

BONG! The Spectator CoffeeHouse and the new Telegraph blog, Three Line Whip, agree that the Gord can't sack Harman even if he wanted to as she was democratically elected by the membership, and it would be up to them to decide whether to remove her. As deputy leader, the Labour… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 5:27 PM. There are 4 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

You Should Not Have Come Back, Gord

Confirmation that the Forces of Darkness (whose earthly manifestation is Tory peer and donor Lord Ashcroft) are behind the Government's recent woes comes from no lesser sage than Ben Brogan: Stepping out of the fray for a moment, I can't help but be impressed by the scale of the operation being run… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 2:45 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

It might have been interesting

A colleague has burst into Westmonster HQ and breathlessly declared that LibDem leadership contender Chris Huhne had "done an Angus MacNeil!" Hurrah! At last, something's happened in this interminable campaign. So, Chris has had to 'fess up to a sordid "heavy petting" session with two winsome teenage lovelies and ... oh. Apparently,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 2:30 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

How the lions are tamed

The Oxford Union inviting along Irving and Griffin to stand and speak on the Hallowed Ground On Which Our Future Overlords Tread has got Grimmer Up North thinking about the past. Inter alia is this remembrance: "Red Andy" Marr, used to sell Socialist Action in the market square and sport… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 1:46 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE!: PMQs, 28/11/07

Iain Dale reckons that Cameron slam-dunked it, but here at Westmonster we're not so sure. Yeah, okay so Davy managed a few jibes about Brown's trustworthiness but really, any child with an above room temperature IQ could have managed that today. Maybe he's worried about some hitherto undiscovered logs in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 11:41 AM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Osborne squeaks out the Moody Blues

Osborne has told Labour Party fundraiser that he better go now, go now, go now, over the latter's alleged knowledge of Abrahams funding practices. From Nick Robinson: Well well well. A second senior Labour Party official knew about the secret donations by David Abrahams. Jon Mendelson - who was appointed… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 10:44 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

David Abrahams has murdered sleep ...

Sorry this is late; Westmonster's got a problem in her ... Actually, no. You don't want to know. Harriet Harman clings on to power after it is revealed that she accepted £5,000 through an intermediary of David Abrahams. But for how long? Last night, and using no lesser mortal divinity… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Nov 2007 10:12 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Taking bets on who'll do the Business Statement

BONG! Okay, so seriously - what tomorrow: a plague of locusts perhaps? Warts and boils? The Gord's troubles are truly Biblical, and the latest one is slowly but definitely settling around the actions of Harriet Harman (wife of the Labour Party Treasurer) who stands accused of breaching electoral law by… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 6:02 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Feral Media

The Press Conference Massacre

Well, the Gord came roaring out of the sidings, running over the body of former General Secretary Peter Watt (RIP) in the process. Heh: greater love hath no man man than this, that a man lay down his career for his superiors and take the negative briefing from "senior Labour sources"… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 1:44 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Hilary Benn said "no" to Abrahams

Daniel Finkelstein has a question, following the news that a quick Google search later, genial one-time Deputy Leadership candidate Hilary Benn discovered that the money being proffered him by Mr Abrahams through an intermediary wasn't above board: If Mr Benn's campaign knew that there was a link between Kidd and David… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 11:58 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

I Can't Believe They Made It A Headline!

Latest stonker from the Telegraph: "Grandmother saved by daughter's poo" The picture is of dancing girls because ... well. You know. The other image choices were too grim to contemplate.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 11:33 AM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Oxford Union: debate great success

Following angry scenes at the Oxford Union last night, as Holocaust denier David Irving and BNP leader Nick Griffin arrived to address the Prestigious Institution That Contains Our Leaders of Tomorrow, everybody agreed that the entire event had been a "great success." "Basically, it went off like a dream," said… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 10:17 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Watt's the Story, Morning Glory

Of course the resignation (submitted by or done to, scratch one according to theory) of Labour's General Secretary Peter Watt over a donation scandal of Enron-style complexity is the main story this morning. From the comrades, Chris Paul thinks it regrettable but inevitable that he should go, Guido of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Nov 2007 9:57 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Rocking (ahem) the boat

BONG! Hopi Sen analyses the balanced media coverage of the Northern Rock saga. BONG! All together now: Labour's in the money! It's in the money! It's got a lot of what it takes to get in trouble with the Electoral Commission!… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 5:47 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

A rift in the Union

The Oxford Union event on free speech, to which Holocaust denier David Irving and BNP leader Nick Griffin have been invited to start channelling Voltaire, has produced much comment on the blogosphere and beyond. James Forsyth in the Spectator draws the distinction between the freedom of speech which is a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 2:45 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

The Gord to Cameron: I ain't going nowhere, kiddo

Well, the Gord's delivered his speech to the CBI and a media who could barely contain their indifference. Kevin Maguire reckons that the address owed more to "perspiration than inspiration," and the Times highlighted Brown's apparent belief that his recent wibbling in the polls is merely a "short-term fluctuation." And… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 1:41 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

CBI speeches: the battle continues

In (another) attempt to Recapture The Political Initiative, the Gord is using his speech to the CBI to set out his long-term agenda on climate change, economic stability, and ... oh come on, you know the words to this one - sing along! Davy Cameron's predicted to hit back in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 10:25 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The hidden poverty in Brown's Britain

As Christmas approaches and the shopping horror commences, we would like all Westmonster readers to contemplate for one moment those who will not be spending time being jolly this holiday season: "Desperate families pay up to £500 for Nintendo Wii on internet." Personally, we think the Gord should set up a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 9:54 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

"I go away for a couple of days ..."

Imagine the scene. You're a Prime Minister who has to leave the country to partake of tea, cucumber sandwiches, and pointless diplomacy with Brenda in Africa for a week. You leave a "to do" list pinned to the fridge, a list of emergency numbers by the phone, and stress to Alan Johnson… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Nov 2007 9:31 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

The marathon continues

Is it just us, or has this been the longest Parliamentary year ever? The only thing keeping the Westmonster team going is regular injections of gin straight into the eyeball. Anyway, here we go again: Oral PQs Monday - Home Office Tuesday - Communities and Local Government Wednesday - Scotland;… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Nov 2007 3:43 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

When shall we three meet again?

The Sundays are a bit of a mixed bag this morning. Obviously Diskgate continues to get commentary but seeing as everyone's getting a bit fed up with "Killer Disks Still At Large: No Change Here Folks" style headlines, perhaps it would be more interesting to look at the effect the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Nov 2007 11:04 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Fightback!

BONG! This morning, various generals discovered they had a conscience and wanted to take over the running of our great nation. This Fight for What Is Right required them, somewhat coveniently, to forget any role they had played in the situations they are now complaining about and pipe up only after they'd made… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 5:55 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Finger Pointing

Backlash!

Shocking news from ConservativeHome that Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is ... a law-breaker! Why? Because her Department when she was Minister for Women appointed someone who turned out to be in possession of lady-bits rather than the required testicles. For shame. We demand an independent inquiry! In his article, Rob… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 2:03 PM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Direction for the democratic left

Compass supremo Neal Lawson's continuing disappointment that his past cheerleading for the Gord hasn't resulted in an invitation to come inside the Big Tent is played out (again) on the web pages of Comment is Free. … read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 2:01 PM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Feeling festive, people?

Jingle bells, jingle bells! Rejoice, for the Annual Panic over the yet-to-happen flu pandemic is in its early stages, which means that Christmas is juuust around the corner. From the Guardian: The health secretary, Alan Johnson, yesterday announced a dramatic increase in plans to combat pandemic flu, committing the government… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 1:01 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Lies, damned lies, and opinion polls?

As the end nears in the interminable Liberal Democrat leadership contest and voting for the Parliamentary equivalent of Head of Year 7 continues, the Guardian releases a poll that shows Huhne catching up: Forty per cent of just over 200 Lib Dems questioned by the Guardian after a hustings in Cambridge… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 12:01 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Blogger battles: Recess Monkey apologises

Alex Hilton (of Recess Monkey fame) has apologised to Nadine Dorries MP for committing crimes against Facebook. Ministry of Truth has the back story. UPDATE: Apologies all, Alex has just pointed out that he apologised to Dorries' daughter rather than her.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 11:10 AM. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Is this a coup?

Ben Brogan certainly thinks so. No sooner had the Gord left for Uganda than a selection of military gentlemen with startling sounding names like Lord Humphrey-Montmorency III start popping up on the Today Programme to declare martial law outline their concerns at Government policy in Iraq. Apparently, the fact that Defence… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 10:42 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

While the cat's away ...

Military blokes use the opportunity of the Gord's absence (he's in Uganda) to aim some bitchslapping at the Government. Classy work, boys. More damning, perhaps, is the National Audit Office report regarding the undreamed of wealth made by ten civil servants at the public expense. At the end of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Nov 2007 10:07 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Sorry, we lost the thrills and spills in the post

BONG! As the members start casting their votes, John Redwood discovers something shocking: clear, er, yellow water between the two Lib Dem leadership contenders. Well, who'da thunk it? BONG! Diskgate continues, as copies of emails from HMRC are released to the press hounds. The spin now is that it was budgetary… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 6:14 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

He's gonna do politics HIS way!

Fraser Nelson's got an interesting interview with Alex Salmond (Scotland's answer to Judge John Deed - he's a maverick, doncha know) in this week's Spectator. Inter alia, it's revealed that Alex quite wants the Tories to win the next election as there's more chance of the SNP winning a referendum on independence… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 5:10 PM. Permalink

Department for Silly Lists

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr Cameron?

We've had quick squiz over what is loosely referred to here at Westmonster as our "reporting" over the past week, and have been shocked at the high volume of Government-in-the-brown-stuff style stories. Lest it be doubted - we believe that this administration is just the sort of very-British crack-squad that this country needs to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 4:57 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Fish

Plague and pestilence

Featuring in the current round of the Seven Plagues of the Gord's Premiership is (another) foot and mouth leak at a Government laboratory.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 3:35 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

HMRC: we've seen the sign of the Beast

As the search for the Disk of Doom continues, the Mail reports on the Lord of the Flies-esque scenes in HM Revenue and Customs: The staff wear tracksuit bottoms, baseball caps and scruffy T shirts, many do not have a GCSE and their training is described as "a joke". Somebody… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 3:03 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Martin Bright: "we all dooooomed!"

Martin Bright's got a post on his blog about the lamentations of the Gord, and it ain't pretty reading: The trouble for Brown is that when the poison starts to eat at the government's reputation it has a retrospective effect, seeping back to corrode even past triumphs. People are beginning… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 12:27 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Belated round-up

Apologies for the delay, Westmonster's been battling with sommat nasty this morning. Anyway, the woes of the Gord have been obscured momentarily by the woes of Steve McClaren, who managed to assist the roaringly excellent feel-good factor in Blighty (this is sarcasm) at the moment by leading his team to a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 10:41 AM. Permalink

Westmonster Media Club

Enjoying politics in Australia

Courtesy of Matthew Moore at the Telegraph. That's Labour health spokeswoman Nicola Roxon hauling health minister Tony Abbott over the coals for being half-an-hour late for an election debate. Imagine what they'd be saying to each other if he'd lost 25 million data records on the way.....… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Nov 2007 10:24 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

It'll be better in the morning. Maybe.

BONG! The Saga of the Missing CDs continues apace with no real update as to the situation (other than "it still looks pretty damn bad for the Government"), so here's the take from our American cousins for the sake of variety/not repeating ourselves. BONG! Davy Cameron calls for a halt on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 7:07 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Say "NO!" to the feel-bad factor

Okay, we got fed up of the endless pictures of Eyebrows and the Gord so we opted for a picture of these lovely ladies instead. The tenuous link? Well, if England lose the football tonight, expect the feel-bad factor (when translated in the opinon polls) to produce some most depressing… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 6:28 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Rolling updates from Westmonster News Team

Newsreader: Good afternoon and welcome to Westmonster. Our top story this afternoon: angry scenes in the Commons at Prime Minister's Questions, as David Cameron accuses the Prime Minister of presiding over "systemic failure" within the HMRC following the revelation that the personal and financial data of millions of children and families has been lost.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 4:23 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Light relief

For those tired of the circular news reporting surrounding Diskgate and fancy something for the weekend slightly different, may we draw another fabulous Daily Telegraph story to your attention: "Man "attempted sex with fence" in London park" … read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 2:14 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE!: PMQs, 21/11/07

Well, it wasn't the unmitigated disaster for the Gord that it could have been: Brown highlighted a review that Would Solve Everyone's Problems, Cameron (who was a little off-form) hammered his questions out all in one go and raised the viability of ID cards in the wake of the fiasco,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 11:04 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Black Wednesday

Predictably, the Affair of the Missing Disks is the top story this morning, although the Today Programme seems to be getting unusually excited about a prehistoric crab. Humphrys must be having one of his hot flushes again. Ann Treneman reports on the Parliamentary response to the data-loss news, the Telegraph… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Nov 2007 8:07 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Oh, Darling!

BONG! As part of its mission to establish a record for the largest number of emergency statements in the shortest amount of time (three in the past week, by our reckoning), the Government reveals that Her Maj's Revenue and Customs lost the records of 25 million individuals in the, er,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 5:48 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Miliband: master of the double entendre?

Heh. An otherwise unremarkable Foreign Office Questions was livened up briefly by Miliband the Younger's response to a question as to whether the FCO anticipated Musharraf would still be in power in a few weeks hence.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 2:24 PM. There are 4 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Media circus ahoy: bloke resigns

An indication of how 24-hour news has enriched all our lives comes with the coverage of Alistair Darling's surprise statement in the House (scheduled for 3.30pm today) and the announcement that the chairman of Revenue and Custons - Paul Gray - has resigned over a rumoured loss of child benefit… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 1:02 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Ah, THAT'S where we heard it

Ohmigod! Heather "Rat Milk" Mills is Fat Tony ... except without the swivel-eyed murderous insanity. Oh, wait.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 12:07 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

I'm A Former Prime Minister, Get Me Out Of Here!

It's a slippery slope, Silvio, and one already well traversed by the likes of Gorgeous George Galloway. Today the populist grandstanding; tomorrow the celebrity TV shows, cat-suits and unseemly handbagging.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 11:23 AM. Permalink

Our Friends Chosen Randomly from the Unemployed

Drama in the Lords!

The second reading of the Human Embryology and Fertilisation Bill actually managed to induce a heart attack in the noble Lord Brennan, who collapsed just after 7.30pm last night. Luckily Government Health Minister Lord Darzi was on hand to massage the poor bloke's heart as they waited for an ambulance… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 10:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Getting one's Rocks off

The one good thing about the Northern Rock crisis is the fact that it allows hacks and bloggers to pun muchly and shamelessly, in the manner of an early Christmas panto or a particularly groan-worthy episode of "Round the Horne". Ann Treneman in the Times leads today's charge with a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Nov 2007 7:25 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Icebergs and revolutions

BONG! Are the Eyebrows heading for a Northern Rock-shaped iceberg? Alistair Darling defended his role in the bank's ongoing ishoos, as "suitors" (as they are rather quaintly called) line up to shaft vigorously make their arguments for the fair lady's hand. BONG! Still, as Guido reported yesterday, it's not bad… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 5:38 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

When Bloggers Go Mad IV

Blogger smackdown alert! In the blue corner: scourge of the "abortion industry" Nadine Dorries. In the red corner: Alex Hilton of Recess Monkey fame. Refereeing: Iain Dale. Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 3:50 PM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

On the (Northern) Rocks

Nick Robinson on Alistair Darling's Northern Rock-related predicament: "His job is on the line". So said the Tory shadow chancellor, George Osborne, with menace today. Whilst struggling to imagine quite how Boy George does "menace," the stakes (poll-wise) for the comrades are high, according to Mike Smithson.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 3:12 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

The Gord gets tough on climate change

As reported by the Independent, Brown hopes that his announcement on how he plans to combat climate change will put him back in control of the agenda in the wake of (more) bad news from YouGov. Last week's attempt to make a land-grab from Cameron's crew was undermined somewhat by… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 1:50 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

What a calamity!

Elections for positions of power tend towards the unseemly at times (*cough* Labour Party Deputy Leadership contest *cough*) and it looks like the Clegg-Huhne handbagging is no exception. Apologies for the lack of morning round-up, normal service resumed as of now.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Nov 2007 10:37 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Cameron: your POSH make us HOT!

Article in the Daily Mail by Arthur Harrumphalot Gordon Brown found himself under attack last night for not having the foresight to be born to aristocratic parents who had a tennis court on the family estate. Whilst David Cameron looked positively relaxed as he played tennis with former British Number… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Nov 2007 4:17 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Tesco's: the best case for the nanny state?

Westmonster has just got back from the weekly shopping run and has reached the conclusion that whilst the nanny state is not a good thing, it may well be a necessary evil. Just look at what goes on in a state of nature (or "Tesco's" as it's sometimes known) for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Nov 2007 3:43 PM. There are 6 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

In which the comrades go down in the polls. Again.

There's no consistent "top story" this morning but, frankly, we never tire of this picture. Anyway, a couple of the papers are reporting that the Tories' are planning to unveil a policy that ensures that all children can read by age six. Cool. Less happy news for the comrades comes… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Nov 2007 12:12 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Are we nearly there yet?

Is it nearly the Christmas recess yet? No? Oh. Okay, well here we go again, then: Oral PQs Monday - Work and Pensions Tuesday - Foreign and Commonwealth Wednesday - Wales; Prime Minister Thursday - Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform; Business statement.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Nov 2007 12:11 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

In which bollocks were - comprehensively - dropped

Is being leader of the Opposition easy, we were asking last night in the pub? Yeah, we all know that being an MP is bloody hard work if you do it properly, and the higher you get, the more demands there are on you. So how has Davy Cameron made… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Nov 2007 10:02 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Train Cancellations

Sort it out Ruth Kelly!

Okay, so Westmonster realises that this isn't a personal blog, but the need to share her Transport Rage has overcome her. Needing to travel oop north for a meeting this afternoon, she duly purchased a ticket to the required destination. No problem then? Well, no. It would appear that she… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Nov 2007 5:55 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Henry Porter: the bicycles need you!

So, we confess that we've been getting a little obsessed with the story of the bloke who was hauled up before the beak for being caught making sweet, sweet love to his bicycle - what can we say? The midlife crisis is a terrible thing. Nonetheless, there are things that Westmonster… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Nov 2007 9:10 AM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

News in brief: Westmonster on the road edition

Damp squib of the day: Miliband the Younger's Europe speech. Anybody else finding the tabloid habit of salaciously referring to a suspect in the Meredith Kercher murder as "Foxy Knoxy" - as if she's an actress in a porn movie - a little bizarre? Westmonster feels that this obsession with the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Nov 2007 8:55 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

We don't want to detain you, but ...

BONG! Trouble up t'whips' office it would appear, as the Gord is warned he faces a Parliamentary battle over the proposed increase in the maximum limit on detention. BONG! Theo Blackwell's found Ken's new site, and examines Bojo's recent campaigning activities. BONG! What makes you blind? The Duchess of York has warned… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Nov 2007 5:08 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

SNP: what? We have to, like, GOVERN?

The SNP yesterday celebrated their first budget by reneging on most of the promises that put them in the position of power which entitles them to make it. The jibbing of the students over the non-wipeout of their debt was a particularly classy move ("uhhh, it might be a bit… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Nov 2007 12:24 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Utterly disgusting

Westmonster was shocked, saddened, and disgusted to read reports in two of our principle organs of record that two young, blonde, and eminently fruity army girls were allegedly caught lezzing it up. Disgraceful. The Daily Mail covers it with "I saw lesbian soldiers' sex romp in the stable block," whilst… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Nov 2007 10:17 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

"They talk about nothing else on the streets of Bognor" edition

We can only assume that the Gord actually wants to induce apoplexy in Henry Porter and the trendy-lefty chatterati with this announcement on his new security measures. Westmonster hopes the Government whips' office has got a selection of hard hats, a vat of whiskey, and their best pleading voices… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Nov 2007 8:41 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Events, dear boy, events: they CAN be an arse

BONG! An article in the Financial Times - originally flagged up by Ben Brogan - has been flying around the blogosphere. To say it won't make comfortable reading in the Brown Bunker is putting it mildly. BONG! It's not been a good day to be the Gord. Just when you… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 5:50 PM. Permalink

Department for Wonkery

Bring me my hotline of burning gold

A big thumbs-up from everybody here at Westmonster to those clever chaps at Demos who will not rest until they've brought about a New Golden Age of democracy in which we've all been winched out of the pub in order to engage in citizens' juries, community budgeting, text message voting, and ... you… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 3:55 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

The Telegraph: back on form!

Well done to the Telegraph, whose hacks are working that male menopause for all it's worth. Yeah! Don't fight it, baby. In the latest installment of our I Can't Believe That's A Headline series, Westmonster gives you the Telegraph with: "Man who had sex with a bicycle sentenced."… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 2:45 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE!: PMQs, 14/11/07

The first PMQs of the 2007/08 session saw the Gord do what he does best: dig in his heels and refuse to budge. Oh, Davy danced around, aiming punches over when he knew about the Jacqui Smith Immigrant Shame, but he resolutely refused to answer. We were also treated to the sight… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 11:41 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry of Love

Has Lord West (been) disappeared?

Was that a tremor in the Force? This morning Big Tent member Admiral Lord West (whose report on security in busy public locations is published later) gave an interview to the Today programme in which he appeared to merrily deviate from the Government line on the extension of 28-day detention.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 11:07 AM. Permalink

Ministry of Love

The Gord calls time on chaos

The Gord is set to deflect attention from the woes of Jacqui and assorted immigration traumas by getting all tough on terror. Yup, straight after PMQs he's going to announce the conclusions of two major security reviews which - one presumes - will have the rather welcome side-effect of putting the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 10:25 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Trouble up t'Home Office

Poor Jacqui Smith's getting a bit of a drubbing in the papers this morning over the latest immigration scandal to hit the Home Office. The Telegraph takes her to task for failing to station pitchfork-wielding mobs on the white cliffs of Dover, the Independent takes a broad look at… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Nov 2007 8:15 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Blood and birds

BONG! Home Secretary Jacqui Smith appears to have done a Houdini with her statement to the House regarding the latest immigration scandal the Tories are getting Outraged and Saddened about. Daniel Finkelstein notes that the scale of the Gord's knowledge on this one might yet become an issue. BONG! If… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 5:50 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Hillary gets out the big guns

Nothing says "potential President" like packing off your husband to a beauty salon in order to explain to the assembled ladies in hair rollers that the other boys are being awfully mean to you.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 3:16 PM. Permalink

Department for Waiting Lists

Say it ain't so: more levies on bevvies?

The Government's sinister plan to turn Blighty into an Orwellian Police State (copyright, Henry Porter) continues apace as the details surrounding the latest and most destructive attack on The Liberties We Have Treasured Since The Magna Carta (copyright, as above) have come to light. Prepare yourselves, and try not to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 12:55 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

A reader writes...

Dear Sir, I am writing regarding your article entitled "we were just cuddling, says sergeant in 'lesbian clinch.'" Whilst naturally not wanting to prejudice the findings of the tribunal, I think it is your public duty that no stone, however sordid, is left unturned in your reporting of this matter. I've said it… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 11:01 AM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Here we go again!

The mystery of the missing immigrants is inadvertently solved by the Home Office. Jacqui Smith's billed to appear before the House at 3.30pm today to make a statement.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 10:53 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Confused? You will be.

This morning Willy Hague will be mostly demanding a retrospective referendum on the EU Treaty. Given that previously he'd indicated that he wasn't too keen because even though a couple of months ago Cameron offered a "cast iron guarantee" that there would be a referendum he then appeared to change… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 10:25 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Reader, I accepted the LibDem selection

Celebrity rozzer Brian Paddick has been selected as the Liberal Democrat's candidate for the London mayoralty, but Sam Coates of the Times reports there could be trouble ahead as his no-holds-barred autobiography is due to be released about a month before polling day. Ken's going to have no shortage of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 9:01 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Sometimes it's hard to be a Cameron

Guess what? Cameron is the first person EVAH to notice that rape is a bit of a problem for women, and as the only one who's spotted this hitherto, Westmonster is pleased to confer on him the title of "First Lady." As to those glory-stealing women who've tried to jump on his bandwagon… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Nov 2007 8:01 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

The end of cold turkey

BONG! A bird flu outbreak has been identified on the Norfolk-Suffolk border and, as we speak, half the hacks in London are decamping to the shires in order to hunt out errant poultry, interview the local populace about who in DEFRA should resign (correct answer: all of them), and speculate on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 6:11 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

BREAKING NEWS: sickness afflicts British birds

Evidence has come to light this afternoon that a highly virulent disease has infected one of Britain's best known birds. "I do find [David Cameron] quite cute", Cheryl Cole told the Daily Star. "He's funny and it's always nice if somebody thinks you're pretty." There are fears that the infection might spread to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 4:42 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Vince gets his sex on

Why oh why can't the Liberals keep Vince Cable as leader? Such is the lament from Liberal Democrat blogger Paul Walter, but the charms of the Vincemeister are not limited to the narrow sphere of the blogosphere alone. Oh no. We'd like to draw readers' attention to this Facebook group… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 2:42 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Cameron on rape: he's just asking for it

Whilst the Boy David's "rape is bad, mmmkay?" speech has gone down well with most women's groups, such far-left pinko commie, man-hating feminazi stylings did not find support everywhere. And by "everywhere" we mean "amongst the Daily Mail readership." The comments at the bottom of this article provide a salutary lesson that whilst you… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 2:29 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Chris Huhne's strategy

As far as we can work out, Chris Huhne's campaign for victory in the LibDem leadership race is based on the misapprehension that not being like that bloke from the Tories who's managed to put the ruling party on the back foot for the first time in a decade, makes… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 1:16 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

It's easy to be courageous after the event. Fun, too.

Looks like the higher orders have their own equivalent of the bloke who hides under the table during the pub brawl - emerging only after it's over - and then spends the rest of the evening boasting about his central role in the fighting: the politics teacher at Fettes College. Yep, Blair's former school has staged a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 10:02 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Beware the backlash, David.

The Boy David is to state the obvious on rape later today - namely that many rapists go unpunished, and too many men feel that they have some sort of divine right to access lady-parts whenever they fancy it. Obvious it may be, but a big thumbs up to Davy for planning… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Nov 2007 8:35 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Remembrance Sunday roundup

BONG! Old sins cast long shadows: the Spectator Coffeehouse on the past of recently rehabilitated Jonathan Aitken. BONG! An ICM poll sees the Conservatives up three at 43, the LibDems down three at 15, and the comrades flatlining on 35. Apparently these figures would just about give the Tories a majority… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Nov 2007 6:12 PM. Permalink

Department of Kite Flying

Aitken: poacher turned gamekeeper

The big story this morning is that "disgraced former Cabinet Minister" (as the Guardian describes him) Jonathan Aitken has been asked by the Boy Cameron to lead a study on penal reform on behalf of the Centre for Social Justice, which advises the Conservatives on matters of policy. "Don't send… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Nov 2007 11:56 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Feeling Good?

People, it's a new dawn, a new day, a new Parliamentary session - are we all excited? Are we? Woohoo. Well, it looks like it's going to be slightly more interesting than last week (with all due respect to Brenda) as at least we get PMQs, but unfortunately the debates… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Nov 2007 10:34 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

It never rains but it pours

BONG! Bad news for the Gord as reports come in that supposed fundraiser to the PM, Sir Ronald Cohen, has gone all weak at the knees at the sight of Cameron's shiny, shiny hair and winning smile - the coy floozy. Davy, that is, not Sir Ronald. BONG! A judicial application is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Nov 2007 4:55 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

Jetsetting Tories: "Oops I Did It Again"

For those of you who have more interesting, wait, check that - for those of you who have lives and don't spend your Saturdays rifling through TheyWorkForYou, intriguing news reaches us via their most recent upload of the Register of Members' Interests, released this week. From Cameron's entry: 20 October 2007, I… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Nov 2007 3:35 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Brenda and backbiting

The week began with the fallout from Nigel Hastilow's Enoch-stylings (good, one Nige. Note: this is sarcasm), moved on to the Queen's Speech on Tuesday and ended with a whimper rather than a bang as the debates on the Address meandered pointlessly on until the House rose on Thursday. Things were… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Nov 2007 11:50 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

It's grim up north

BONG! In a carefully orchestrated attempt to mobilise the northern vote, Davey has described Manchester as being part urban Shangri-la, part piss-drenched hell. Having watched an episode of Shameless, the Tories social justice hero/failed leader Iain Duncan Smith is reported to have said "if we launch this in Manchester, where… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 5:40 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Ladies: something for the weekend?

Ladies! Are you tired of all the booooring politics stuff and current affairs that clutter up your Sunday papers? Want to be patronised and made to feel insecure about whether your arse is the required shape for this season's fashion requirements? Want to read the endless ramblings of vacuous bints… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 1:45 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

I Wandered Lonely as a Bojo

Intriguing news reaches us via Regent's Park Labour relating to the recent deafening silence from London mayoral candidate and everyone's favourite posh bumbler, Boris Johnson. It seems that Bojo, having been visited by his muse (pictured here dressed as a bunny girl), has penned the outcome of their discussions in poetry. Apparently… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 12:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Salted Rim

Booze Britain: the legends are true!

For those of you who thought - like us - that 24-hour licensing and "booze Britain" was the stuff of myth and the imagination of Daily Mail journos who want an excuse to print "disgusting" pictures of young ladies showing their underwear when drunk, who have nonetheless spent the last… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 10:30 AM. Permalink

Westmonster Media Club

"It's a gritty and shocking portrayal of ..." Whatever.

What is it with the world at the moment? Every politician is attempting to get down wid da kidz and talk like a popstar, and every bloody popstar seems to be talking like a politician; except without the comparatively small salary, unencumbered by any responsibility to actually do anything about… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 9:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Deep Throats in the Treasury (hur hur!)

Fair Deal Phil reports on how a senior Tory has admitted that they have a mole in the Treasury. Say it ain't so! The wonderful, impartial civil servants (who are only out to pursue the common good, against the wishes of those eeeevil politicians) that the likes of Tom Bower… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Nov 2007 8:40 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

House Up (but not in the commuter belt)

BONG! In the debate on the Queen's Speech today, attention was turned to (amongst other things) new-build housing. The Tories were all: what do we want? Lots of new housing! Where do we want it? Nowhere near my million pound pad thank you very much! BONG! The inter-party slapping over… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 6:25 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

The Gord: I never copied Davy's homework

Nick Robinson reckons that the row over who-got-there-first with regard to the war of the inheritance tax proposals ain't over yet.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 4:06 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Lib Dem apologises to Speaker

Liberal Democrat leadership hopeful Chris Huhne apologised to Michael Martin today for getting over-excited in a Newsnight interview and claiming that the Speaker fell asleep during the Boy David's speech the other day. "I'd like to apologise to the Speaker for this unseemly behaviour, but it's been a bugger of a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 3:35 PM. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

A Little Respect?

Perplexing goings on in the Socialist Republic of Bethnal Green and Bow where Glorious Leader Gorgeous George has found himself subject of salacious rumours ... regarding the alleged breakup of RESPECT. [readership promptly nods off] George is vehemently denying that he's quit the party after his comrades posted an article on their… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 3:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

I hollered "don't look Ethel!"

... but it was too late - she'd already got a freak-shot! We hear via the Rat and Mouse that poor Laura Moffatt - Member of Parliament for Crawley - has finally given up her battle with commuting after being flashed on a number of occasions on the late-night train to Brighton.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 1:24 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Bush: we WILL ban Musharraf from Facebook

News from the Daily Kos that General President Musharraf has been given a stiff talking to. Yes. That'll do it.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 11:40 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Local Policies for Local People

The Boy Cameron gets co-operative

The Telegraph are reporting that Davy's going to announce Conservative "co-ops" which allow residents to take over the running of local services, including schools. Hmm. Westmonster realises that she always seems to be the one widdling on everybody's fireworks, but foundation hospitals (similar premise) have hardly been a roaring success… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 11:20 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Kings Dangling and Lords A-Leaping

The Spectator on how Lord Malloch-Brown is spending taxpayers' money on those chunky chocolate chip cookies that are about two quid for five, rather than the Tesco's own-brand rich tea. For shame! The Times reports a double-whammy perpetrated on Jacqui Smith yesterday: mauled by Basher Davis in the Justice… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Nov 2007 8:45 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Wasters and the walking wounded

BONG! Bojo's discovering that running for the London mayoralty isn't all champagne receptions and photo shoots - the bally blighters actually want him to do some work as well! Isn't that what the lower orders are for? BONG! Sir Ian Blair's response to the vote of no confidence in him:… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 5:32 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover

Ah the rebound. You're in a relationship, everything's perfect, you think it's going to last forever and then WHAM! Suddenly your supposed soul-mate gets all "it's not you, it's me" on your ass, tells you that he'd prefer to spend his time tramping through Middle Eastern war-zones than another second in your… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 2:40 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Daily Mail: getting to the heart of the Gord's vision

As far as "stealing Conservative clothes" goes, the Daily Mail can exclusively reveal that Sarah Brown has taken her husband's example one step too far. Yesterday, arriving at Parliament for the Queen's Speech, Mrs Brown shocked onlookers by wearing a coat. Said a nearby Tory MP, "This is another example of the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 12:52 PM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

RESIGNATION: Lord Drayson

Defence Minister Lord Drayson has quit his position to spend more time with his Scalextric set. Sounds like a fair trade to us.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 12:22 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

The Right Honourable Frank Lampard MP

Word reaches us that Davy Cameron's luscious Lois Lane-style hair may have won him another admirer - none other than Frank Lampard (who, we are informed, is a footballer of some repute). Frank on the Boy David: I had a good chat with him and I really like him. For… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 11:53 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

It's like RAY-HEEE-HAIN on your wedding day

Isn't it ironic? One time Prime Ministerial hopeful Michael Meacher had this to say on the Gord's policies with regard to housing announced yesterday: It’s good that after two decades of neglect of social housing amidst the triumphalist ideology of private ownership, the national scandal of housing need is now… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 11:14 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Bring me the head of Gordon Brown!

The Times is getting its journalistic knickers in a twist over what appears to be some intern buggering up the personalised-to-your-area press release jobbie. What do we want? An Independent Inquiry(TM)! When do we want it? NOW! Keith Vaz MP, chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee, condemns the Government's "British… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Nov 2007 8:45 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Brenda plays Westminster

BONG! Roundup on the Queen's Speech first, kids: the Telegraph has a transcript, Peter Kenyon wonders what will happen to party finance reform, Nick Robinson reckons that the Gord was warned to be on his best behaviour and play nicely with little Davy Cameron but Davy reciprocates by whipping out the sling-shot nevertheless, the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 5:26 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

5th Nov: fundraising, t'interweb, and plot

Guido (aptly) picked up on this one earlier today. Yesterday, libertarian Republican candidate Ron Paul managed to raise over $4m in one day, online. The site, http://thisnovember5th.com/, is a reference to his distrust of the state as it (according to him) continues to encroach on the freedom of the individual.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 3:18 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Tory Party reveals that "PM is a Scot"

Edifying scenes over at ConservativeHome on this thread which asks: who is Gordon Brown? Well, apparently he's a nasty bottler who saved the Tory Party from electoral embarrassment by not calling an election is frittering away the nation's wealth on our friends north of Hadrian Wall. This paraphrased sentiment was expressed thusly:… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 2:44 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Going backwards

So far the issue that seems to be exciting everybody the most in relation to the Queen's Speech is that Jack Straw walked backwards at some point. Meanwhile, the Beeb has a summary of the 29 Bills announced here.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 12:31 PM. Permalink

Gawd Bless Yer Ma'am

LIVE! Queen's Speech, 6/11/07

Well done Her Majesty! Didn't she read the list of legislation beautifully? Amongst everything else there will be legislation on the EU Reform Treaty, a Bill to keep da yoof in education, various stuff on climate change, reforms of the criminal justice system, a new Homes and Communities Agency is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 11:58 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Department of Advance Early Warning

Queen's Speech Live @ 11.30. Or thereabouts.

It's all happening in here, people. Is it going to be a speech that recaptures the initiative for the PM, or a widely-trailed damp squib? How much will it be affected by the immigration shenanigans of recent weeks and what impact will this debate have on Brown's housing policies? Will the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 10:11 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Cards on the table

Although the Queen will be delivering her speech in a slightly posher accent than the bloke who wrote it, many have been pointing out that the contents will probably sound remarkably similar. In July the Gord gave his pre-Queen's Speech to the assembled Chamber in which he outlined many of his… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 10:01 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Pomp and Circumstance

Good morning, folks. As you are aware - great excitement - today is the day when a game old bird in lots of twinklers delivers a speech written for her by someone else whilst some bloke with a big rod (arf!) bangs on the door of the Commons. Ah, modernity, eh?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Nov 2007 8:40 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Rubbish and Her Maj's mysterious illness

BONG! Ken weighs in on the pay-as-you-go rubbish policy and is all, "it's rubbish!" BONG! Queen's Speech tomorrow folks, and the Guardian has this summary of expected announcements. BONG! On the subject of Her Maj, the Telegraph (who else?) has another of their cracking headlines: "Windsor Foot and Mouth relief… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 6:01 PM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Spooky

MI5 say that "thousands pose UK terror threat," and at the same time the Government announce they're thinking about extending the 28 day detention period to 47, no wait ... one hundred ... nah, that's too many - tell you what, how about 56 days? We all good with that? Cool.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 5:55 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Inducing Daily Mail Apoplexy

Girls behaving nakedly

This article in the Daily Mail raised more questions than it answered here at Westmonster Towers. For example, is it a serious piece on female drunkenness, or an excuse to print pictures of young ladies in various states of "disgusting" undress (continued on pages 2 - 34879)? "The ladette effect puts… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 3:22 PM. Permalink

Department for David Beckham Studies

We Don't Need No Education

According to reports, one of the Bills to be announced the Queen's Speech will raise the school leaving age to 18, and introduce other methods to drag reluctant teenagers into the world of work. Curiously, the Beeb was reporting on Breakfast that this would involve fining the jobless youngsters. Er ...? Anyhow,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 1:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Inducing Daily Mail Apoplexy

Liberty and liberal conspiracies

Westmonster is loving the new front page of the Labour Party website: the Gord has sighted the new Jerusalem and he's going to lead us to its green and pleasant lands. Maybe he will be assisted in this endeavour by a rather interesting new website called Liberal Conspiracy which seems… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 12:15 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Remember, remember ... Local Gov't Guidance 23423/C

Quiet isn't it? In the early stages of the noughties, venturing in the direction of Tesco to pick up a bottle of sweet sherry after dark at this time of year was like going shopping in Basra. Fireworks would explode either side as you ran the gauntlet of lit gunpowder,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 11:36 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Get a room!

If you have a strong stomach, read Jackie Ashley's latest article on Gordon "Isn't He Luvverly" Brown in which her own personal views of the gorgeousness of the Gord are projected onto all of womenkind. Fanx for that. The Gospel According to Jackie holds that although David Cameron is very pretty, women prefer someone… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 10:57 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Ruth Kelly and state funding

The news that Ruth Kelly has been done for producing a leaflet containing phrases such as "the Labour Party is the greatest" and "give me a G! Give me an O! Give me an R!" and so on and so forth, has prompted a predictably sanctimonious response from the Mail… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 9:54 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Resignations and turmoil

In response to the Enoch-stylings of one time PPC Nigel Hastilow, Olly's Onions suggests that the Tories take advantage of the publicity and launch a poster campaign ... Fair Deal Phil has a look at what all this says about the real impact of Dave's shiny, shiny hair on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Nov 2007 8:49 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Engage brain THEN open mouth. Not t'other way.

BONG! Ben Brogan on the Nigel Hastilow resignation. Tip for Tories: claiming that Enoch Powell had a couple of good ideas is not the way to make friends and influence people. Here endeth the lesson. BONG! The Provisional BBC takes Davy's policy on birching the Scots to its logical conclusion.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Nov 2007 5:49 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

The mystery of the Flying Lion (ctd)

Last week Inspector Watson of the Yard asked a couple of questions of a firm called Flying Lion, which was taken up by various politics nerds with no life such as Westmonster enterprising individuals in the search of the truth. Well, David Hencke of the Guardian has picked up on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Nov 2007 4:42 PM. Permalink

Department of Kite Flying

The Gord: real fame at last!

Gooood afternoon folks, it's time for the weekly round-up of the Sunday papers and let's start with some excellent news. Yup, negotiations are underway for the Gord is to appear in his very own episode of the Simpsons, and the Independent on Sunday has got its mitts on a leaked a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Nov 2007 12:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Because we're always the last to know

The State Opening of Parliament and the Queen's Speech happens this Tuesday 6th November. Beyond that, we know nuffink about what's happening next week although we assume there will be debates on the address. As soon as the House was prorogued, all Early Day Motions and unanswered Parliamentary Questions are confined to the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Nov 2007 11:17 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

To the backdrop of the Moody Blues...

BONG! More trouble for Ian Blair as news filters through that his hypothetical resignation would not be accepted, in advance of another report on the Stockwell shooting. BONG! David Cameron's apparent love of gas-guzzling, environmentally unfriendly, carbon footprint-creating, large, posh vehicles to follow him around as he delivers lectures on how… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Nov 2007 6:30 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Of Kings and knaves

Parliament went into prorogation on Tuesday, but that didn't mean it wasn't a week packed full of uproar beginning on Monday with the visit of King Abdullah and concluding when the verdict of the de Menezes shooting came in on Thursday and the backlash against Ian Blair started in earnest.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Nov 2007 12:25 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

This Turbulent Policeman

BONG! The Tories have written to Jacqui Smith demanding she yield unto them the head of Ian Blair. Preferably on a spike. BONG! The day after the Election that Wasn't, Political Betting ponders if the situation might have gone the other way for Davy had the Observer published their poll… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 5:44 PM. Permalink

Department for David Beckham Studies

Double-think on edyoocayshun

Okay, so what have we missed here? Westmonster was under the impression that conservatives (with both a small and a large "c") looked back at the 1950s with fondness as a time where children were taught proper subjects, learned hard, and were seen and not heard. "Ah," they say over… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 3:24 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

Time Healeys all wounds

Intriguing gossip reaches the Westmonster lugholes regarding last night's "most influential people in local government event," hosted by the Local Government Chronicle at County Hall. In attendance were the brightest of the local government glitterati, although curiously the Secretary of State for the Department for Communities and Local Government the Right… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 2:07 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Let Them Eat Chips

The Government hit back today at fat tongued mockney Jamie Oliver, over his claims that bungling from Number Ten is responsible for the fall in take-up of the new school menus. "The fact is that eight year olds are less interested in organic wild mushrooms on a bed of penne… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 11:30 AM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Huhne and Nicky: they're BOTH winners!

Making up your mind is a difficult call for Liberal Democrat members at the best of times but when asked to choose between Nicky (doesn't like the bomb very much) and Huhne (doesn't like the bomb very much at all), the situation is has just unbearable for some. That's probably… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 11:00 AM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Do you trust the police to keep you safe?

So queries the Telegraph of its readers. And they? Well, what do you think? The police no longer serve the people but instead are tame servants of lying power-crazed, corrupt political masters in and out of the force who use them to control, not protect, the masses. Why should we… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 10:30 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Another day in Europeland

The Tories' crowing over the Morning of the Election that Wasn't was marred slightly by a poster seemingly committing the Tories to a retrospective referendum on the EU Treaty The story so far: Davy gave a "cast iron" guarantee to The People that he would offer them this and then swiftly… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 9:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Unleash the dogs of war

The de Menezes verdict is the big story this morning. The Times examines the nineteen police failures that led to the shooting, the Telegraph looks at the "sickening" rumours the Met circulated, and Pickled Politics questions the logic of a fine as a punishment - a tab which will… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Nov 2007 5:55 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Back to the Future: Blair to go?

BONG! The Metropolitan Police have been found guilty over the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes in July 2005. As appalling as the entire tragedy was, Westmonster nevertheless felt a twinge of nostalgia at a subject line in an email from Gallery News: "I won't resign, says Blair." Oh, and more than… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 6:08 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Assigning Blame

Trouble in Slough

Those whom the Gord doesn't like very much die young. Either that or get the immigration brief. One of the two. Poor ol' Hazel Blears has been on the wrong end of a skewering today from Humphrys over the cost of immigration to local councils, related to the fact that in Slough… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 4:24 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

Don't ask us, we're just the security services

Former head of MI6 Sir Richard Dearlove reckons that the Government were, like, reeeally stupid to take on board information from the security services when they took the decision to go into Iraq. Sorry, is there something we've missed here?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 3:18 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Bojo gets the horn for Hillary

Boris' 'fesses up that he dreams about Mrs Clinton dressed as a sadistic mental nurse. Thankfully we, the readers, are spared any explicit detail as to where Bojo plans to go with this fantasy but, for those of us with dirty minds, the damage has been done. Westmonster is off to scrub her minds eye. With BLEACH.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 1:30 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

When tortuous analogies go bad

Westmonster hears that the Govester's speech on how Brown is a bally rotter has produced an unexpected backlash. In an apparently innocuous if hi-LAR-ious aside, Gove said of the Gord's succession: Whether it's been Neville Chamberlain after Baldwin, Eden after Churchill or Bush senior after Reagan, the successor model has never… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 12:10 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

The election that wasn't (part the XIV)

According to the Tories, today could have been the day that they went back to their constituencies and prepared for Government. Heh. Regardless of the fact that bad as the polling was for Labour, Satan would have been making snowballs in hell before the Conservatives could have returned an overall majority,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 11:30 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Telegraph: rambling away happily

The Daily Telegraph Committee on Embracing the Male Menopause has released its latest report into the most important issues in current discourse: "Naked Rambler feels sting of Operation Thistle." The Committee's other work can be viewed here.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 9:45 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Oh, Mr Cameron!

News for the ladies: Westmonster hears that Davy Cameron was very masterful when he met with King Abdullah yesterday over the issue of Saudi-funded hate literature in British mosques. Be still our heaving bosoms, eh? The Gord, on the other hand, spent his time with His Maj WUSSING OUT of talking about… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Nov 2007 7:55 AM. Permalink

November 2007 Archives