LIVE! PMQs for 17/10/07

12:00 PM: Oooh, Andrew's interviewing Chucky K. The shiny penny goes to me. And here we go... Oooh there goes Harriet squishing in next to the Gord. You use those elbows, girl!

12:01 PM: Graham Brady's trying to get out a question about the tax on pensions we think.

12:02 PM: The Gord is all "we've cut tax! Successful economy! Loadsa jobs."

12:03 PM: Next up is Anne Snelgrove on the Farepak disaster last Christmas, on which Brown is reassuringly tough.

12:05 PM: Cameron quivers to his feet with a question on hospital infections and whether this is the fault of Whitehall targets. Yers. Full of infections those pesky targets. Brown promises a deep clean on hospitals and is all "targets are luvverly and here's a quote from a bloke who agrees with me."

12:06 PM: The Boy David is not buying it! He's jabbing his finger muchly: "You don't know what you're talking about!"

12:07 PM: Gord: "no YOU don't know what you're talking about." Sounding good boys, this is what political discourse is all about.

12:08 PM: Cameron's still not having it. Much finger jabbing again, but he's put off his stroke slightly by the Speaker admininistering a stern wigging to Ian Austin - the Prime Minister's PPS. Cameron: "You need to listen to The People!"

12:09 PM: Gordon: "I AM listening to The People!" There was a bit of heckling at this point directed at Our Glorious Leader. Most unsporting. Brown is highlighting his concerns over Tory cuts.

12:10 PM: "Call an election!" roars David, although quite what this has to do with the price of MRSA which is what we're ostensibly talking about is anyone's guess. Swiftly moving on, Cameron is now talking about the need for a referendum on the EU Treaty: Why won't he grant a referendum?

12:11 PM: Brown quips that he sees that Cameron's "given up on the health service." Boom boom!

12:12 PM: "This Treaty is different because it's not a constitutional treaty, it's an amending treaty!" Clear folks?

12:12 PM: Stewart Jackson gets a rap across his knuckes from the Speaker.

12:13 PM: Cameron has graduated to a chopping motion as he highlights the recent comments by Labour's Gisela Stuart on how there should be a constitution. Brown: "I am the Legislator, I will decide what The People want!" Indeed. Force 'em to be free, Gordon.

12:14 PM: Much outrage in the Chamber as Gord suddenly starts talking about Arnie... Fire the gag-writer, son.

12:14 PM: Brown has another go at explaining the provisions of the Treaty, and David's questioning is over. Right, everyone to the pub then?

12:15 PM: Derek Wyatt wonders if the Gord wants to send a message to the England team (rugby? Football? Whatever). Brown appreciates the softball.

12:16 PM: Here comes Vince Cable, chosen as leader because he has the same hairline as Ming. "Is there a moral place for rewarding marriage?" asks Vince. Brown - with obvious sincerity (heh) - sends his best wishes to Ming and mentally takes him off the "To Disappear" list. At least Ming won't be spending his retirement in a Siberian gulag, which is something he should be grateful for.

12:18 PM: Smooth move Vince, highlighting that you are both happily married men. Vote for Vince for leader: he is safely married. The question relates to why inheritance tax hasn't encompassed non-marrieds. Gordon answers with a long list of stuff he can spend the extra wonga on, including better rail provision. Westmonster is still blinded by the glare off Cable's scalp.

12:20 PM: Somebody's rattled Dennis Skinner's cage: David Cameron, namely. This allows Brown to give us a quick reminder of Conservative Government: The Black Wednesday Years.

12:22 PM: Question on armed forces, and we're onto Howard Stoate on how we're all turning into fat bastards and what's the Gov't gonna do to stop us all cramming burgers down our throats like there's no tomorrow. Disappointingly, Brown does not answer "It's called PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. What do I look like, the Prime Minister or the Gillian McKeith?"

12:23 PM: Michael Fabricant, resplendent in a new wig, asks something on the new memorial and troop withdrawal allowing Brown to treat the Chamber to a blast of gravitas.

12:24 PM: The Burma regime is highlighted by Sarah McCarthy-Fry.

12:25 PM: Although it was a bit touch-and-go there for a moment, now Dave's questions have passed off without major incident, Brown seems to have settled down and is not giving last week's impression of being a mere mention of the word "bottle" away from going postal on the Opposition benches.

12:26 PM: The MP for Torbay on how the government should do more to regenerate seaside towns. Brown: "Yup."

12:27 PM: Jobseekers' Allowance claimants have fallen in Jeff Ennis' constituency. Would the Prime Minister agree that it was his fabulous policies combined with the Prime Minister's general fabulousness that has brought this happy situation to pass?

12:30 PM: Something on more environmentally friendly fuel allows Brown to commend his investment in science and technology.

12:31 PM: David Evennet is asking whether the consultation on the closure of his local hospital will actually be listened to. Brown responds that there are more hospitals and greater investment in the health services in London. That's a "No" then.

12:32 PM: That's it folks, and we're back to the studio with Andrew Neil. This week Vince Cable auditioned for the top job (Liberally speaking), David tried out a new array of hand gestures as he flitted between hospital infections and EU referendums, and Brown managed to tame his Gentle Ben impression.