LIVE!: PMQs, 24/10/07

12pm: And we're off with a question from James Gray on the tragic deaths in Portugal this week. Unfortunately Westmonster missed the Battle of Harriet's Elbows because of - uh- technical difficulties. Gord expresses sympathy with Gray's constituents.

12:02pm: Here comes Dave with a query about clawback of school budgets. Gord: "improve eduction....er." Cameron hones in for the kill with a series of quotes from disgruntled headteachers and asks why the PM thinks he knows best.

12.04pm: Gord bangs back that the plans are not ill-conceived. Cameron: they are! He wants the consultation to be scrapped, but Brown ain't having it. "The only reason we're clawing back is because they've got wonga coming out of their ears! We love consultations and it's happening. So there."

12.06pm: Jessica Morden with a pitch to appear in the Newport Evening Echo. "Will he commend my constituents?" Gord: "Delighted to Jessica, thanks very much!"

12.07pm: Vince Cable bounces to his feet with a crafty one about how Brown is less green than his predecessors. The Gord manages to slip in a handbagging dressed up as relief that Vince's back has managed to remain knife-free for a week. Ooooh, ladies, ladies! Apparently the Government's been got at by the nuclear lobby, but Brown denies it and claims he LOVES windfarms and is investing in them muchly.

12.10pm: Bloody hell, is Graham Brady related to someone in the Table Office? Graham: "Is it true you're Scottish?" Something about prescription charges (lack thereof) north of the border. Brown is all "you agreed to it too, you mofos, and anyway, Wales and Scotland decide their own budgets." Graham goes off to cry to Uncle James in the Table Office that Brown was meeean to him again.

12.12pm: Davy flicks his hair back, glitters to his feet and asks whether wee Dougie Alexander is responsible for the Loss of Democracy in Scotland. Brown responds that all parties agreed to the changes and it is no one person's fault. Teacher (Michael Martin) has to do some stern rebuking owing to the high amound of heckling coming from Ian Austin (again) directed at David who is all, "well, PM's cronies what can you expect? New politics, don't make me laff!"

12.16pm: UPROAR! Heckling, and Michael Martin calling for "temperate language." That one's doomed to failure - this is the Commons chamber at PMQs, Michael, not tea on the vicarage lawn. Dave has the bit between his teeth and is more or less calling the Gord a disengenuous old dissembler. Gord: "The consultation had the support of all the parties, so Blood On Your Hands, David Cameron!" Chamber goes crazy, Speaker gives up trying to maintain order.

12.18pm: Brian Donohoe asks a question on fireworks, seemingly ignoring the ones going off all around him.

12.20pm: Sally Keeble asks one on a 19 year old student who had to wait for a breast cancer appointment. Brown agrees that all should be seen within two weeks.

12.20pm: Patrick Hall asks one on climate change and CO2, followed by Brooks Newmark on a meeting with his constituents this afternoon on the failure of the Government to build a community hospital in Braintree. Will the Gord join him? "Way too busy," says Brown, but is beginning to stammer. Looks like Davy has rattled him.

12.23pm: Gord agrees to condemn murder at the weekend as raised by Jeffery Donaldson and says those who are responsible should be brought to justice as soon as possible.

12.25pm: Pete Wishart is all "gerrymandering!" Wants responsibility for elections to be removed to Holyrood from the Scotland Office. Gord: "terribly sorry a couple of thousand people couldn't, yer know, exercise their most fundamental democratic right, but I'm absolutely positive it's actually everybody elses' fault."

12.27pm: After one from Lynne Jones about climate change (Gord: "I love windfarms! Them's the BEST!"), Barry Gardiner raises concerns about the role of the FSA in insurance fraud.

12.29pm: Roger Williams on how the FMD outbreak is All The Government's Fault. Yeah, you couldn't move around the countryside over the summer for special advisors wilfully infecting everything with four legs.

12.30pm: Lindsay Hoyle on foreigners being let out of prison early and committing crimes. The Gord says that he'll build more prisons and send them back. In some sort of order.