Commons Chamber: it nearly got exciting

The Parliamentary week begins with Home Office questions.

According to a highly representative poll carried out by Westmonster (sample size: one), Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is a laydee of many charms, not least of which is the ability to stand up in the Chamber and administer a strong performance without sounding like Mary Poppins about to administer a jolly good spanking to her shadow on the Opposition benches.

That's not to say that David Davis wasn't hoping for it, the old rogue. There was definitely a sly twinkle in his eye as he vetted her over gun crime, and it was only the fishlike gaze of Tony McNulty that kept him from roaring "ding dong!" in the general direction of the Home Secretary.

We kicked off with police bureacracy. Apparently the fuzz spend more time helping cons finish their sudoku puzzles than they do out on the street. Much outrage.

Liberal Democrat Vince Cable - a man who looks like he could very well be Ming Campbell's twin - drew attention to the case of a 10-year-old boy who had been arrested for fishing or something, which earned him a blast of contempt from McNulty.

Liam Byrne, the only member of the Home Office team (ladies aside) who doesn't look like he's been recruited from a Bouncers' Convention, raised hackles on the Opposition benches by claiming that the policy on exit controls on immigration was introduced by the Tories in 1994, adding "What could we do about it?!" Hmmmm.
This was the sign for the Conservatives to go all out on the issue of dem damn diffrunt people coming over here, taking our jobs, stealing our women, which immediately galvanised awkward squad member Jeremy Corbyn into making a rare supportive intervention, in favour of our foreign cousins and integration.

In response to Sir Nicholas Winterton Not Having This, Liam unexpectedly started going all David on Goliath's ass, but was somewhat shaken by Damien Green reading out a Top Secret Home Office Document that said that the public didn't like diffrunt people much.

Acting fast, Vernon Coaker, who looks like he's wandered off the set of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, got up to answer a couple of questions on the copper who reckons that drugs should be legalised, and restored a much needed aura of toughness to the front bench.

Suitably subdued by his slightly menacing tone, the House returned to its Monday afternoon slumber.

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 2:46 PM. Permalink