...and the Tories are back in town!

Last Saturday afternoon, deep in the Brown bunker, the Gord raged. "Frailty, thy name is all those lovely newspaper editorials claiming I was a shoo-in, the polling returns from the marginals which are now showing that Lord Ashcroft's money has swung it against me, and that treacherous double-crossing man from Mori." Election is called off.

Much drama.

The interview, in which Gord explains why he had to take this course of action to leave room to expand upon his "vision", and not because he doesn't want to go down in history as the man who lost an election to David Cameron, is given to wee Andy Marr, leading to a protracted weekend-long hissy fit from Sky's Adam Boulton. This only abates in the press conference on Monday, when Adam is given the first question. Boulton to Marr: "Now who's king of the castle? Eh? Eh?"

Gordon is all, "it's about the vision. I want people to understand my vision. Vision. People are not interested in elections, they are interested in our progressive policies for public sector provision and debates on fiscal prudence." Everyone else is all: yeah, like bollocks, mate.

On Tuesday, Alistair Darling delivered his pre-budget report and comprehensive spending review. Usually these statements and their accompanying briefings are used by politicos to dampen down lascivious thoughts in the manner of conjuring up mental images of Maggie in a cold shower. But this year they're actually inducing orgasms in the Chamber: order papers are waved, heckles are roared, and cheers are screeched as the Eyebrow announces that, um, he's planning on doing exactly what the Boy George Osborne suggested.

Luckily for Alistair he broadly gets away with this in the Chamber, largely because nobody can listen with a straight face to George squealing through a speech at the best of times, but when he's angry the "mute" button is the only alternative to developing tinnitus.

Wednesday dawns and with it another humilation for the Gord, who by now can't even look at a bottle without being reminded of Tory jibes. PMQs begins at midday and our hero is thrown almost immediately by a question by Bob Neill, of all chuffing people, on "bottle banks." Gordon: he'll be pleased with the provisions in the comprehensive spending review then! Labour MPs: D'oh!

And so it continued in a similar vein for thirty excruciating minutes in which the Gord gets all "HULK MAD!" on Cameron's ass. By the end of it Dave was actually looking like an effective politician. The age of miracles, people, is not over. Ming said some stuff as well, but nobody was listening. Oh, and the Gord also drew attention to a Number 10 petition calling for a referendum on the EU Treaty which only 26 people had signed. Naturally about nine thousand have now. Gordon, Gordon, Gordon. Would you say to a rugby player "I bet you can't down that yard of ale?" No? Have a think about why not, son.

By the time Thursday dawned, the meedja had worn themselves out with the excitement of it all and decided they needed an easier target. Attention was turned to Ming, who's been walking around with one painted on his forehead since his party realised at the weekend they could now get rid of him at their leisure.

Well, that's about it. Oh, apart from the deputy leader of the Labour Party announcing that she thought the PM had too much power in terms of when he chose to call an election (nice timing! Note: this is sarcasm) and Andy Burnham channelling the Tories over the advisability of marriage.

What a week! Somehow, Westmonster cannot see the same level of excitement being visible when the Legal Services Bill returns to the Commons on Monday, but in this day and age, a mere few hours is a long time in politics.