A wee problem

BONG! And the big news that's moistening up the Telegraph team is the announcement that Davy wants to declare Scotland part of the Axis of Evil. We're shaky on the details but we're guessing that it's a firm policy proposal to deal with these Scottish people who are taking our money, stealing our jobs and shagging our women. And a bit of Scot-bashing always cheers their supporters, particularly at a time when the Conservatives have been Glasgow-kissed in the polls.

BONG! Paul Smith is not impressed.

BONG! Wee Dougie Alexander pleads "not guilty" to "nobbling" Ron Gould over his report into the Scottish elections. People, people! Nobbling? Let's try and maintain some standards in political discourse, shall we?

BONG! Simon Jenkins - as usual - has all the solutions - this time on cleaning up politics and party funding. Why this man doesn't run for Parliament and give the public the full benefit of his vast wisdom is anyone's guess.