Points, In Order

Handbagging at 4pm

BONG! The LibDem leadership contest is officially ON! Nominations closed at 4pm today and the unseemly bitchslapping between the only two candidates commenced almost immediately. Nicky Clegg gave an interview to the Telegraph outlining how Chris Huhne is a receding hairline away from being exactly like David Cameron, whilst Huhne contended that his advanced… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 7:29 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Top Trumps: LibDem leadership edition

Well, it's gone 4pm and nominations have just closed for the position of Liberal Democrat leader. Unless RecessMonkey gets his wish and there's been a last minute flurry of support for Prince Vultan of the Hawkmen, it looks like it's going to a two-horse race between Nicky Clegg and Chris… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 4:01 PM. Permalink

Ways and Means Corridor

Fisking the Minority Report

The Science and Technology Committee has completed its report on abortion and has rejected calls to reduce the legal limit from 24 weeks. You see, the clue's in the name, people. It's the Science and Technology Committee, not the Moral Committee for the Proliferation of My Personally Held View Which I Demand Assumes the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 2:57 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry For Finger Pointing

Let's Talk About Party Funding, Baby

Christ on a bike, Westmonster thought she was the only one embracing the hot flushes associated with onset of the menopause, but it seems as Francis Maude can't keep his mind off The Sex for a single second, even when discussing the breakdown of the party funding talks: We are disappointed… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 12:55 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Things We'd Like To Know

What's Hot, What's Not. This week, anyway

Okay kids, there's been a certain confusion over what the policy is on certain issues this week, so allow Westmonster to clear up any confusion. School funds clawback: This is NOT on the immediate agenda in spite of a large number of malicious rumours (probably spread by the Conservative Party, damn… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 11:12 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Denial: not a river in Egypt

Guido's got the image of the Tory attack poster which is all, "we WANTED an election, but the Gord chickened out like a wuss. We were well up for it, though, the lousy bottler." Given that the Conservatives were the last people who actually wanted an election when it was… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 9:30 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Happy Halloween!

If this doesn't scare you nothing will: final proof that Rudy Giuliani does actually eat babies. Fact. The LibDems' poll ratings are improving - they are up four on 18% according to an ICM poll for the Guardian. Bad news for the comrades, though: down one on 35, whilst the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 31 Oct 2007 7:58 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Cross-dressing for success

BONG! News from our American cousins first, and Olly's Onions has this report on Republican Presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani which ... er ... okay, so we just wanted an excuse to put up a picture of him decked out like a whore's lampshade. Whaddya gonna do? BONG! Wonkette uncovers an alarming image… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 6:22 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Some of my best friends are one-legged Lithuanian dancers

Friends close to Westmonster (ahem) at college used to refer to a tasteless joke that fell flat as a "floater" - it would linger in the pan for days after it had been issued, refusing to go away, and would remain there to wink at you malevolently every time you tried… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 3:57 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Michael Gove: cuddling the Gord to death

Cover your ears people, Matty D'Ancona is having a Michael Gove related orgasm! As I predicted yesterday, Michael Gove’s speech to the Bow Group this morning was a belter: as trenchant and subtle an analysis of Gordon Brown’s politics as any Tory politician has yet made. Ahhhhhhh...and he's done. Right,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 2:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Parliament Towers

Sadly Conservative MP Nadine Dorries hasn't updated her superb blog since a gossip-piece in the Independent inferred (in the wonderful words of Unity) that she'd "been at the horizontal mambo" with ConservativeHome's Tim Montgomerie. For this reason, perhaps, her regular commentators - starved of news of her "white, lacy" knickers or… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 12:45 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

My Parliamentary Representation Don't Cost A Thing (not)

Quick! Somebody get David Cameron a flat cap, a couple of whippets and a Tony Benn-style pipe because he's talking about curbing MPs expenses, and if the taxpayer were to stop funding his party's shenanigans then he may well be reduced to this indignity. In an article for the Telegraph,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 11:35 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Inducing Daily Mail Apoplexy

Calculators still on order at DWP

Smoooooth timing from the Department for Work and Pensions. So the Boy Davy's been getting plaudits for his euphemistic stylings around the immigration issue: "it's not about curbing immigration, it's about restricting excessive demographic change." Yeah right - you say tomato... The media's getting all moist about the issue, Government's on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 11:07 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Polls, kings, and flouncing

Polling horror alert! Today's ComRes poll for the Independent has Dave on eight points ahead of the Gord on 41, and the Liberals up one on 16. Analysis from the UK Pollling Report here. The Guardian gets hot under the collar at the visit of Saudi leader King Abdullah,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 30 Oct 2007 7:36 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

An Audience with Arnie

BONG! Partly because (a) it's a novel approach to the age-old problem of how a politician deals with (alleged) former drug misuse but; (b) mainly because no website can have too many pictures of Arnie, this is well worth a look. BONG! Still not enough Arnie in your life? Try this: Arnie… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 6:25 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Saudi Arabia: our shared values?

Westmonster cannot help but admire the grit of Saudi leader, King Abdullah. In spite of the news that whatshisname from the Liberal Democrats had refused to swap pleasantries with him over canapes, somehow His Highness has managed to summon up the inner-steel to carry on with his British visit in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 4:57 PM. There are 3 comments so far. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Killer attack of the mid-life crisis

Most of us deal with the menopause by accepting that Hollyoaks is going to feature heavily in our lives henceforth, or developing a none-too-healthy interest in the career of Billie Piper. Not the Telegraph hacks, oh no. From the paper that brought you such headlines as "Odour of breastfeeding 'arouses… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 4:00 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Immigration: who ya gonna call?

David Cameron's plan to turn Britain into a slightly larger version of Royston Vasey continues apace with the news that he proposes to cap immigration, and station angry locals on the white cliffs of Dover to dissuade any of dem forrun people from besmirching England's green and pleasant land with… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 3:10 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

West Lothian Question part the IX

Nick Robinson's somewhat confused at the proposals mooted by Sir Malcolm Rifkind to drive the Scots out of Parliament with torches and pitchforks give more adequate representation to MPs representing English constituencies. "Wouldn't this proposal, if it were in operation now, mean that Gordon Brown had no Commons majority for Labour's… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 2:00 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Cherie Booth: asking for it on CiF

There's plenty Westmonster likes about Cherie Booth - not least her delightful habit of inducing mild apoplexy in commentators from our more right-wing organs of record who reckon that the job of a woman in public life is to remain silent, be fruity at all times, and not have a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 10:34 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

A dubious ally?

Vince Cable sets his stall out on why he's going to be boycotting the visit of the Saudi king. This article's headline ("Vince Cable: a dubious ally who devalues our government") promised much, but it turns out the piece is by Vince rather than about him so was ultimately… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 29 Oct 2007 8:49 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

A wee problem

BONG! And the big news that's moistening up the Telegraph team is the announcement that Davy wants to declare Scotland part of the Axis of Evil. We're shaky on the details but we're guessing that it's a firm policy proposal to deal with these Scottish people who are taking our money,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 5:35 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

Con Air: the Tag Team

Following on from Westmonster's post yesterday on Flying Lion and its apparent desire to jet members of the Conservative front bench around the world in the luxury to which they are doubtless entitled, Political Penguin has picked up the baton and done some top-quality sleuthing. Yesterday we were unsure as to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 11:49 AM. There are 4 comments so far. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

Dave to Scotland: ‘Drop dead.’

The main story seems to be the Observer's front page which outlines the Conservative and Unionist Party's plans to strip Scottish politicians of the right to vote on English laws. Guess what folks? The Gord is, like, Scottish! OMG! This devilishly cunning and subtle plan is being spearheaded by Sir Malcolm Rifkind… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 11:23 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Quick! Before anybody sees

Not much going on this week folks: the House is prorogued on Tuesday, after which everyone empties out until the Queen's Speech on 6th November. Full agenda here, and highlights (such as they are) below: Oral PQs Monday: Culture, Media, and Sport; Olympics; Church Commissioners; Public Accounts Commission; Speaker's Committee… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 28 Oct 2007 10:14 AM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

Con Air

While Iain Dale is otherwise engaged in polishing the halo of St Michael of Ashcroft, may I direct readers to this interesting story... Earlier in the week Tom Watson asked what was known about a company called Flying Lion, which appears to be registered in Bermuda, and which seems to have a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Oct 2007 6:27 PM. There are 4 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Rock stars, liberty, and letting go

BONG! Martin Kettle with an article On Liberty. BONG! The SNP blame everything on Westminster at their annual conference, but don't spend time investigating their imminent financial collapse - look over here at this nice new shiny gimmick policy proposal! BONG! Keith Richards campaigns in Chichester over the provision of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Oct 2007 5:27 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

Alex Salmond: The Garbage Man Can't?

Because political discourse can never have too many Simpsons analogies, allow Westmonster to draw her readers' attentions to this episode where Homer decides to run for the position of Sanitation Commissioner. He wins a landslide, under the slogan "Can't Someone Else Do It?" and a manifesto commitment that his garbage men will… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Oct 2007 12:50 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Things can only get better (they can't get much worse)

The Gord's woes were many at the beginning of the week, and by the end they were legion. A particularly irritating leit motif for Brown was the fact that Anthony Seldon's new book on Blair hit the shelves over the weekend, so the PM's parade was further rained upon by various reminiscences of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 27 Oct 2007 12:47 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Sexport and sleaze

BONG! Guido on Lord Hoyle's dodgy little earner. All together now: Labour sleaze! Sotto voce: and the Tories don't come out of it unscathed either. BONG! Stop the presses! As if the news that Paddy Ashdown (who's got to the stage that all politicians reach eventually: he's started believing his own… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 6:26 PM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Telegraph: fighting the male menopause

Which is more disturbing: the fact that a man tried to do The Sex with a bike? The fact that he was put on the Sex Offenders Register for it? Or that everyone at the Telegraph seems to be going through some sort of perve-tastic mid-life crisis? Vote now.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 2:45 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

One million strong on Facebook

It's a Friday afternoon, neither the Lords nor the Commons are sitting, so...let's all mince around on Facebook! Woohoo! And let's link it tangentially to politics. Audience: Boooo! Anyway, the fastest growing Facebook groups are those that are linked in with the American Presidential race, with the groups One Million Strong… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 2:13 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

Don't fight it, Dick

A big thumbs up from everyone here at Westmonster to Vice President Dick Cheney who - rather like a horse - seems to have the enviable knack of being able settle down for a wee kip pretty much anywhere. Even during a briefing on the Californian wildfires. Whilst sat directly… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 11:42 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Gord goes into the red

Bad news for Brown comes with the latest YouGov poll for the Telegraph. The Tories are on 41, Labour 38, and the LibDems on 11 - exactly the same figures as their last poll. The Gord's personal rating is down to negative figures, the Boy Davy is back in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 26 Oct 2007 9:12 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

On Liberty (and what it costs)

BONG! Brown's speech on liberty has generated much comment. Sunny asks why we just can't have a codified constitution, Peter Kenyon queries whether he should practice what he preaches with regard to the Labour Party, and Boulton and Co. aren't that impressed. No pleasing some people, eh? BONG! MPs' expenses… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 6:00 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Tony gets his own big tent

News from the Spectator that Blair - jealous of images of the Gord fondling Maggie over the threshold of Number 10 - has decided to do some Tory Molestation of his own. Blair wants to meet Cameron to "brief him on the Middle East" apparently. Yeah yeah, that's what they all say. … read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 4:00 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Unholy Alliance

Question: What is wrong with this? Answer: The terrible constellation of the words Peter "I am a Green candidate you know" Tatchell, Henry "police state" Porter, and "assualt on civil liberties." It begins with Tatchell asking Porter whether he believes that we're witnessing the biggest peace time assault on civil… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 2:11 PM. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Overcrowding in the Big Tent?

Not yet fully recovered from the Gord inviting Comrade Digby to his birthday party and then scenes of flirtation with the Mistress of Darkness, the comrades will presumably be gloomy to discover another unholy camel has been invited into the Brown tent: Daily Mail chief Paul Dacre. Dacre is charged with reviewing… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 1:48 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

An appeal for Luddism

Hmmm, the news that MPs are now allowed to check their emails in the Chamber has had a mixed reaction amongst House of Commons staffers, for a politician with interweb skills is a rare breed indeed and the rest should be closely supervised at all times. The thought of allowing Members… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 11:40 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Campaign to protect Bojo's jellies

Cripes! Serious London Mayoral candidate Boris Johnson has seen the oppressive hand of the Orwellian European Superstate™ reaching in the direction of his homemade jellies and preserves. Run, Bojo! Run!… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 10:55 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Thursday sing-along

The Government plan to claw-back funds from state schools has been shelved after bad publicity consultation with key stakeholders. Remember folks, even if 100 schools had said they thought the policy was a good one, the Gord would still not have gone ahead with it. Lorely Burt is the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 25 Oct 2007 8:49 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Admonishments, elephant traps and kalashnikovs

BONG! Brown's "intemperate" language is the subject of much comment, along with the plight of wee Dougie, and Ian Austin getting sent to stand outside the headteacher's office and think about what he's done. Again. BONG! With the news that Parliament has to relocate temporarily (whilst someone replaces the bucket… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 5:15 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Annual MPs' Allowance trauma

The annual publishing of MPs' allowance expenditure is always a tiresome one for Parliamentary staff. The meedja (who should and do actually know better) and the blogosphere tend to throw around terms like "pocketing," or infer that our elected representatives have spent the lot on fine wines, hookers, dancing girls, and good times.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 3:43 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

A bad day for Dougie

Oh dear. It looks like wee Dougie Alexander is in trouble again. Less than a month after he (along with Balls and Miliband the Even Younger) was fingered for Chickengate, the Gould report highlights a "notable level of party self-interest in Ministerial decision making" which contributed to the disenfranchising of thousands of Scottish… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 2:26 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE!: PMQs, 24/10/07

This week at PMQs we were treated to the sight of the Gord under fire over the report into the Scottish election fiasco, Cameron changed his strategy and split up his questions leading to an outbreak of stuttering from the PM around twenty minutes in, Michael Martin fought an ultimately pointless battle to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 11:43 AM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Cracker from the Torygraph

Having suffered a brief bout of socialist guilt as to whether pointing and laughing at loons commenting on a Telegraph article (subject: The Gays) was akin to pitching up at Hanwell asylum in the 1890s to taunt the inmates, Westmonster has now moved on and got her prodding stick at the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 10:06 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

The stench of hyperbole

The debate's underway in the blogosphere over the Gould report into Scottish elections released yesterday. Iain Dale: "Douglas Alexander has Blood On His Hands and should resign!" Kezia Dugdale, however, has not only read the report but appears to be a bit of an expert in these matters agrees that… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 24 Oct 2007 7:43 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

Good evening, officer

BONG! In his evidence to the Public Accounts Committee, Yates of the Yard explains he was a "political problem" for Downing Street (curious, we always thought he'd be welcomed with open arms), and Guido gets excited as his Pledge Bank coffers swell. BONG! American men! Do you not do The Sex… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 5:13 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Ironic punishment division

Sometimes it's hard being leader of the Opposition, eh? There you are, doing well in the polls, feted by your party for your taunting of brooding Brown, your hair looks great, and you decide to go for the money shot and give the Gord a damn good thrashing over not holding a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 4:02 PM. Permalink

Our Friends North of the Border

High drama at Holyrood

Those troubled by the recent allegations by the Normster on the subject of the death of David Kelly can at least rest assured that the authoritarian hand of the Government wasn't behind the scientist's death: according to the Gould report they can't even organise a piss-up in a brewery an election in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 3:20 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Femail dilemma

Okay, Westmonster needs to know: is this some sort of High Irony that we're missing?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 12:57 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Half Bakered

A standard Parliamentary measure of how bad a oral questions session is going to be is made via the calculation as to whether you're on before or after Liberal Democrat MP Norman Baker, so it's hardly surprising that his recent Bernstein and Woodward stylings have been met with a derisive… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 11:50 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Holy (sea) cow!

A written PQ from Nick Harvey, answered yesterday on the subject of Our Boys' role in sea-cow conservation (via here): Derek Twigg: On 26 and 28 March 2007 British Army Training Support Unit Belize provided assistance to the Wildlife Trust’s Manatee Conservation Project, in locating, examining and tagging Manatees. Two… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 10:44 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Cutting crime the BBC way

BBC to cut coverage of crime as part of it's economy drive; as soon as the right-wing blogosphere wakes up, expect to hear that this is due to the malign influence of the agents of the Gord in our Midst... biased BBC... et cetera. For her own part, Westmonster wonders… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 8:23 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

LibDems spar, a nation yawns

"What I'm going to do is a little bit risky," says Nick Clegg of his strategy, in advance of the first major speech of his campaign. As this is Nicky, the mind fails to boggle. Michael Gove on Ming Campbell: great socks, crap policies. John Yates (of cash-for-honours fame) to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 23 Oct 2007 7:55 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Don't mention the constitution!

BONG! The best efforts of Dave to rattle the Gord during his statement on the EU Treaty were, in the final analysis, sadly lacking. Brown delivered his statement, dug his heels in, and would not be moved. Presumably excessive practice of the speech was required beforehand in case any Freudian… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 5:52 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Europe: does anyone actually care?

In spite of the best efforts of some bloke on the Tory benches - who spent the duration of the Europe statement yelling "aaahhhh!" as if he'd just discovered the secret location of Lord Lucan - there's been some speculation as to whether anyone is really that bothered about the EU… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 4:50 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Just say NO! (to free lunches)

A BBC Have Your Say discussion on whether children should be given free school lunches to encourage healthy eating and assist with concentration in class has yielded this gem from Jim Jam: No, I (without children) should not pay for someone else's child to have a 'free' school lunch. If… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 1:52 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Moules Frites

Treaty threatens Tory lovefest

Whilst it looked like it was going to cause problems for a beleagured Gord and his depressed comrades in the wake of the non-election, Cameron and his party have merrily brought up the issue of a referendum on the EU Treaty with monotonous regularity. However, just as Brown's reluctance to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 10:34 AM. Permalink

Meedja on the Insanity Pills

Ticking the boxes

Sometimes when engaging in her morning Google Reader ritual, Westmonster stumbles across an article so predictable, she is left to moan "I could have written that myself!" We don't mean the weekly "ohmigod, like, this Facebook thingy is, like, sooooooo spaced out!" offerings by the generic Fruity Blonde One in the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Feud like it's 2004!

Much excitement in the blogosphere this morning at the news that the Tonemeister and the Gord didn't like each other that much. More interesting is this report in the Guardian that Brown stoked the tension surrounding the cash-for-honours inquiry, and told Blair that he "hadn't heard the last of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 22 Oct 2007 9:05 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Bottlers, Bottles, Balls & BoJo

BONG! According to Anthony Seldon's new biography of Brown, Ed Balls is responsible for coining the phrase "bottler" with regard to the Gord. BONG! Andrew Rawnsley speaks up for the worst job in politics: namely being the leader of the LibDems or aspiring to the position. "So bitterly frustrating is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Oct 2007 7:35 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

Lightsabers and Lord Vader

Dull day in the Sundays today - presumably because everyone was settling down for a pint of mild and bitter in front of the rugby last night. The major stories seem to be Chris Huhne and Nick Clegg breaking out the lightsabers over the LibDem leadership, and mutterings from the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Oct 2007 3:25 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Packing up for prorogation

Westmonster reckons that this week is the last full week before the House is prorogued in advance of the Queen's speech, so there's lots of excitement involving carry-over motions and stuff. Contain yourselves. Anyway, full itinerary here, and the edited highlights appear below: Oral PQs Monday: Defence Tuesday: Trasport; Chancellor… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 21 Oct 2007 11:30 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

No slap: Pelling beats rap

BONG! No charges to be brought against Conservative MP Andrew Pelling, accused of beating his 26-year-old wife. BONG! Chris Doidge on how it really, really wasn't the LibDem MPs' fault that Ming ended up witha twelve-inch carving knife in his back. They swear. BONG! Nad Dorries posts her usual word-salad. Westmonster… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Oct 2007 8:50 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Pot calling the Kettle black

Excellent article in today's Guardian by Martin Kettle about how sweeping generalisations on the similarities between parties and political personalities are symptomatic of a "liberal narcissism" perpetrated by those too lazy to spend time figuring out the differences that do exist, if they could be arsed to turn off When… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Oct 2007 7:45 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Le roi est mort. Vive le roi! As soon as we've found him.

It was a boring Monday in Parliament. MPs dozed happily on the green benches during Home Office questions, whilst hacks and bloggers lazily looked around for something to write about. A dull day like any other until... ...at 6pm the Sports and Social ran out of Spitfire! Oh, and whatshisname who… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 20 Oct 2007 11:03 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Signing sanity away

BONG! In the wake of the Gord signing up to the EU Treaty, opinion on the blogosphere is divided. Grimmer up North is irritated that the promise of a referendum was a manifesto promise as opposed to an actual commitment, whilst Mike Ion reckons not. BONG! The Norfolk Blogger on the ITV phone-in scandal. We… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 6:20 PM. Permalink

MPs: Working Hard... For YOU!

The beat goes on... and on

There are some things in political life for which the term "awesome horror" is too weak a description, and one of these is Greg Knight MP's online photo album. A huge hat tip to Dizzy who has obviously suffered much from watching Mr Knight's slide show, which is accompanied by… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 4:18 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Salted Rim

Lunching well with Harriet. Or Tessa? Whatever.

Westmonster takes for granted that the press lunch with Harriet "I Am A Woman" Harman was a good one, and that el vino did flow. A descent of the alcoholic mist would certainly explain why one of the write-ups of the issues discussed at this banquet contained a picture of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 3:53 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

To Play the King

Is Westmonster the only person finding the LibDem leadership contest (2007 edition) a boring-tacular anti-climax? The 2006 bloodbath was thoroughly enjoyable viewing and had a certain end-scene-in-a Shakespeare-play style feel to it. As the bodies lay scattered around the throne, gradually everybody realised that they'd killed off the king, his… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 2:15 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Salted Rim

Inflation and beer goggles

The extensive refurbishment of researchers' bar the Sports and Social in Parliament has taken all summer, so naturally the only discernible changes are that the walls have been painted and somebody's replaced the lightbulb. However, not everyone's happy with the new lighter, brighter Sports. A colleague of Westmonster's has expressed… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 1:16 PM. Permalink

Westmonster Media Club

Party On!

Caught up in all the, er, excitement of the LibDem leadership contest, Westmonster has been sadly remiss in failing to plug until now the DVD release of season 1 of the BBC2 drama Party Animals. For those who don't know, Party Animals was a drama that was to "lift the lid on… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 12:59 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Civil Disobedience

Where's the most dangerous place in Parliament?

As angry bag-carriers met in Portcullis House on Tuesday to discuss the implications of Queuegate, there was talk of bringing the crisis to a head. The plan mooted was that somebody "do a Rosa Parks," and order any bolshy MP unwise enough to exercise his Lordly rights to the back of the line.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 11:29 AM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

John Bird: "politics is too hard"

Big Issue founder John Bird announced he would step down from the London mayoral race, it was announced yesterday. Speaking exclusively to Westmonster, Mr Bird said that he had "considered whooping Ken's ass and would definitely had won had he chosen to," but was reluctant to actually become a politician.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 11:05 AM. Permalink

Nick Clegg: a man's man?

The Nick Clegg is more of a hottie than David Cameron any day Facebook group currently stands at 38 members. Curiously 20 of them are male.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 10:22 AM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

The Red Army strikes again

An anonymous comment on Guido's "Celebrate Everybody Getting Fired at the Beeb" thread: Erm, If the BBC isn't pro Labour, why is its colour such a fetching red? one that matches 99% (acording to the pantone system at least) Labout red? Its either an AMAZING coincidence or the most clever subliminal… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 9:31 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Wee Nicky to take The Plunge

Clegg is set to announce his candidacy at 11.30am, as the Guardian reports that the non-appearance of Steve Webb at the starting blocks has boosted little Nicky's campaign. Quite how the Liberal Democrats will be able to keep up this level of excitement for the next two months, Westmonster really has no… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 19 Oct 2007 9:10 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Play nicely, boys

BONG! Dizzy reports that Lord Malloch-Brown has been given first dibs on the accommodation train set. BONG! And the prize for the most evocative phrase of the day goes to Mr Eugenides for this post on the recent "obesity is society's fault" stylings of Alan Johnson. Mr Eugenides: "Well, wake up… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 5:21 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Chris Huhne! Like, the greatest!

The New Statesman carry an article from Lynne Featherstone on why Chris Huhne is where it's at for the ker-AZ-ily different wing of the LibDems who, apparently, need "cosy consensus" like a "hole in the head." Well, that's told Nicky Clegg, eh? Lynne certainly seems a very chirpy lady judging by… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 3:26 PM. Permalink

Our American Cousins

American insania!

With less than ten hours to go until Question Time, console yourselves with this thought: public discourse could be worse. Proof comes via Wonkette who draws attention to the rather wonderful hate-mail page on a website called Worst President Ever (which does what it says on the tin). Check out… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 11:57 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

STUDENTS: about as voiceless as Ian Paisley

What is the most disenfranchised group in British politics? Hmmm. First generation immigrants with poor language skills? Nope. Er, single mothers and those caught in the benefit trap? Wrong again. Young people who have dropped out of education in areas that suffer from economic stagnation and a poverty of aspiration?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 9:34 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Facing the music

Alistair Darling is all set to groom his eyebrows into their most reassuring as news comes in from The Times that the economy's buggered. The EU Treaty will be signed today in Lisbon. Brown, in a cunning attempt to divert attention away from the EU Treaty (see: referendum, lack… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 18 Oct 2007 8:25 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Points, In Order

And they're off!

BONG! Chris Huhne has made an early break for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats. Don't worry kids, only another two months of this excitement to go! BONG! Health Secretary Alan Johnson with good news for fatties everywhere: apparently it's not our fault! Yeah! Let's all spend our days eating… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 5:26 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Screw Pharaoh. We're outta here.

A little bird (boom boom!) tells us that there's about to be a stampede of Cowley Street staff in the direction of Nicky Clegg's leadership campaign. Is Nicky, like Moses, inspiring his people to down tools and follow him into the Promised Land? Or is the truth that the leadership fight is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 2:27 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE! PMQs for 17/10/07

Westmonster provides live coverage of Prime Minister's Questions every Wednesday at Midday, when the House is in session. Below is the coverage of Prime Minister's Questions for 17 November 2007. 11:57 AM: Here we go again folks, and the Ministers responsible for the Department for Handing Out Lots of Money… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 11:57 AM. Permalink

Department of Advance Early Warning

PMQs Live @ Midday

Will Gordon be able to grin and "bear it"? Is Dave on form? How will Vince hold up on his first go-round? All this and more as Westmonster brings you its weekly live coverage of Prime Minister's Questions today at Midday.… read more…

Written by Westmonster on 17 Oct 2007 10:32 AM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

There ain't room in this House for both of us

Iain Dale has a story on why the Liberals shouldn't choose Nicky Clegg as leader because he's young, floppy haired, and might eat into the Tories poll lead he'd be crap. On a discussion on Vox Politix last night (which, curiously, Westmonster managed to miss), Spectator columnist John Torode said… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 8:21 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Old sins have long shadows

The Times on the rivalry of the two leading candidates for the LibDem crown. Apparently Chris Huhne and Nicky Clegg were best buds until Chucky K. stepped down in 2005 and the United Federation of Young Turks agreed that nobody would stand against Ming, giving him a clear run.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 17 Oct 2007 7:23 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

High drama and whipping in Westminster

BONG! Much drama on the European Scrutiny Committee, according to Ben Brogan. BONG! Ministry of Truth takes apart the altruism of Lord Ashcroft. BONG! Whilst we at Westmonster applaud the enterprising approach of Liberal Democrat Voice in getting people signed up to the party in order that they can vote… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Oct 2007 5:34 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Run Vince! Run!

Spotted in Portcullis House: acting leader of the Liberal Democrats, former knife wielder, and potential leadership candidate Vince Cable running at surprising speed past the lunchtime phalanx of posing bag-carriers. Is Vince attempting to bolster his claim to the leadership by demonstrating he can move faster than Sir Ming, or… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Oct 2007 2:46 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Just Minging

Where do you go when you want to really know how opinion's shaping up in the lunatic asylum on the ground? Why the BBC Have Your Say site of course, which is currently asking readers what they think about Ming's resignation. He is an intelligent and experienced man. He also… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Oct 2007 12:46 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Night of the Long Knives (part the second)

Well folks, it only seems a moment ago that Chucky K. was lying bleeding on the floor of the Senate (or "Cowley Street" as it is sometimes known) muttering the words et tu Ming? as his political lifeblood drained away. The tables having turned less than two years later, it… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Oct 2007 11:13 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Bah, humbug

What do Ming Campbell and Julius Caesar have in common? They were both knifed by a collection of blokes wearing sandals! Boom, boom, thank you: we're here all week. The meedja are in full "Estelle Morris" mode this morning. Remember kids, Ming was only an old duffer who couldn't… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 16 Oct 2007 7:51 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

And now for something (nearly) completely different

BONG! Iain Dale calls the position of Chief Knife Wielder for Vince Cable, says Simon Hughes picked the knife up, and nominates Chucky to replace him. Westmonster assumes Mr. Dale's motives for putting Kennedy forward are 99 44/100 per cent pure. BONG! Are you an ambitious young berk? Do you… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 8:40 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Double-Plus-Ungood

Cameron on Ming, translated

David Cameron: Sir Ming Campbell has had a distinguished Parliamentary career and I wish him and his wife, Lady Campbell, well for the future. Translation: Dagnammit, I've got away with pretending that I was well up for an election I wasn't and now I have to pretend that I relish… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 7:11 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for the Double-Plus-Ungood

Gord on Ming, translated

Gordon Brown: "Sir Menzies is a man of great stature and integrity who has served his party and country with distinction."Translation: "Thank F*CK for that! Hopefully they'll choose wee Nicky Clegg. He's identical in almost every respect to the Boy David who'll eat into the latter's poll lead. Muhahahahaha!"… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 7:05 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Double-Plus-Ungood

Chucky K. on Ming, translated

Charles Kennedy: "I'm sorry that things have ended up for Ming in this way, but I know the gratitude felt towards him within the party. I don't doubt he has a valuable ongoing contribution to make to the Liberal Democrats into the future." Translation: "Quick Sarah, hide the booze, I… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 6:55 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Lembit meteors in

Hear that bang? It was Lembit Opik breaking the sound barrier so he could appear in Central Lobby in front of a BBC TV camera. We're being treated to a wigging from Lembit about ageism but he doesn't really have much else to add apart from an appeal to the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 6:48 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

Did you wield the dagger?

And we're over to Cowley Street where Simon Hughes is speaking in sepia tones for some reason. Campbell's resigned and Deputy Leader Vince Cable (the only person in the Liberal Democrats who is older than Ming) is taking over until a successor can be found. The assembled hacks spent the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 6:38 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Hearsay

Source: Ming is toast

Westmonster just heard a whisper in the corridors that Sir Ming's resignation will be forthcoming this evening. Stay tuned. UPDATE: Now confirmed by the BBC. We beat them by about 30 seconds, but who's counting.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 6:09 PM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Commons Chamber: it nearly got exciting

The Parliamentary week begins with Home Office questions. According to a highly representative poll carried out by Westmonster (sample size: one), Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is a laydee of many charms, not least of which is the ability to stand up in the Chamber and administer a strong performance without… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 2:46 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

The cunning of the Blairite Axis of Evil?

Much comment - in the absence of anything else going on before 2.30pm - on the recent Blairite "challenge" to the Gord, which seems to have been led by Lord Falconer, ably brought up in the rear by Stephen Byers, Charles Clarke, and repeat political Lazarus Alan Milburn. Milburn, for those… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 12:22 PM. There are 5 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Judge: Conservative donors are insane!

The Tories battle to hang on to an £8.3m bequest from a pharmaceutical mogul has ended in disappointment for the party: A judge said Mr Kostic would not have left the money to the Tories if he had been "of sound mind". Westmonster feels there is nothing she can add… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 10:48 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Fat chance

The "obesity epidemic" is leading on the news. Westmonster hasn't seen the full headlines, so as yet it has not been explained to her how this is All Gordon Brown's Fault (but it is, apparently). Presumably the Gord has been spending his spare time infiltrating school cafeterias and frying… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 15 Oct 2007 8:51 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

The Blair Backlash cometh

BONG! Wee Matty D'Ancona reports on the Charge of the Light Brigade against the Gord, led by former Lord Chancellor, Charlie Falconer. A week may be a long time in politics, but the memories of m'lud's rumoured partners in battle - former Blairites Charles Clarke, Alan Milburn, and Stephen Byers -… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Oct 2007 6:20 PM. Permalink

Department of Kite Flying

Something's come along and it's burst Ming's bubble

In spite of protestations from Ed Davy, it looks like Ming's time is up. The Telegraph are reporting that he's been asked to go quietly into that good night or face a leadership challenge within weeks. The Independent, meanwhile, claim it's not as bad as all that; he's been given… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Oct 2007 10:54 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Slaughter of the Innocents

Week two of the autumn term, and already it feels like we've been back forever. All the excitement of a full sitting week is detailed below. Oral PQs Monday - Home Office Tuesday - Scotland; Communities and Local Government Wednesday - International Development; Prime Minister Thursday - Treasury Important stuff… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 14 Oct 2007 10:06 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Cheeky goings on at Cowley Street

BONG! Ming Campbell's troubles begin in earnest as questions are asked over his leadership. In, er, unrelated news, Cheeky Boy Lembit steps down as leader of the Welsh Liberal Democrats. Coincidence? Westmonster has reason to suspect not. BONG! Is there an end in sight for the postal strike? BONG! Kelvin… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Oct 2007 5:56 PM. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

...and the Tories are back in town!

The story so far: A good week in the polls for Labour after their Conference ratcheted up speculation on a snap election, to the point that everyone just assumed it was going to happen. Gorgeous, brooding Gordon Brown - ably assisted by his brilliant coterie of young advisors - was… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Oct 2007 10:14 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Cameron sexes himself up

David Cameron to the electors of Blighty: "lie back and think of Arnie."… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 13 Oct 2007 9:48 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Friday Night Fever

BONG! David Cameron is in discussions with Arnie about being an extra in his his next film, Conan the Barbarian XIV: Hug The Huskies. BONG! At the end of a bad week for Brown, Guido imagines the scene chez Blair. BONG! ConservativeHome on how Lord Ashcroft is like a one-man trade… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 5:55 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

The Quiet Man (II) in deadly peril

The Get Ming campaign gathers pace with the blogosphere and the mainstream media feeding off each other's words like Pavarotti in a pasta factory. Guido and Iain Dale both carry stories about Simon Hughes putting the knife in, but Westmonster cannot help but think that his words fail to provide… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 3:18 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

CSI: Westminster

Who is the mysterious MP who thinks that bag-carriers should know their place? On yesterday's edition of Today in Parliament, a male voice can clearly be heard disparaging staffers who are exercised about Queuegate, following a statement of solidarity from Brother Harriet in Leaders' Questions. Listen to TIP here; the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 2:52 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Harriet drops a bollock. So to speak.

Oooh, he's not going to like this much! On last night's Question Time Harriet Harman announced that she disapproved of the way Prime Ministers "simply choose and swish up to Buckingham Palace and get the Queen to decide on a general election." Nice timing, Harriet. One can only assume that… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 2:29 PM. Permalink

News from the Lunatic Asylum

BNP: Top of the Hit Parade

News this morning that in a council by-election in Horsham the Labour candidate was stuck in fourth place behind the BNP coincided with this piece in the Telegraph, claiming that the BNP's website is the most visited of all the major political parties. For some reason the BNP website isn't loading anything… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 2:07 PM. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Unexpected consequences

According to the Beeb, the Number Ten petition asking for a referendum on the EU Treaty now has 8,586 signatures, up from 26 when Brown mentioned it in PMQs on Wednesday. The inevitable Facebook groups have shown a late surge as well. Any betting Cameron won't mention this at next… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 9:44 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Who Ya Gonna Call?

At the end of a terrible week for Brown, there is at least a shred of comfort: Compass have got together, pushed the envelope, thought outside the box, and controlled the orchestra (or something) and offered Brown some advice on how to sort his shit out! It's all "progressive… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 12 Oct 2007 7:46 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Peers, pariahs, and plonkers

BONG! Iain Dale has upset Lord Tebbit. Run, Iain! Run like the wind! BONG! Fruity A-Lister Louise Bagshawe asks: "Courage by Gordon Brown?! What's next? Feminism by John Prescott?!" Ho ho. How about "Political consistency by Louise Bagshawe"? BONG! Daniel Finkelstein on the beginning of the end (apparently) for the Labour… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 5:10 PM. Permalink

News from the United Federation of Muesli Knitters

LibDems: the phoney war begins

After yesterday's excitement with Gord going all "grrrrr! Smash!" on Cameron's ass and the consequent Bear Metaphor Massacre in the broadsheets, it looks like the ladies and gentlemen of the fourth estate have feasted well and are now looking for dessert elsewhere. Whilst Ming Campbell might not look like a… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 3:05 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

A national institution

Want to know what hell looks like? A sneak preview can be seen tonight on BBC1 at 10.35pm when the Beeb's favourite bumbler chairs Question Time featuring Harriet Harman, Caroline Spelman, Simon Hughes, and former Sun editor Kelvin Mackenzie. Stabbing yourself repeatedly in the eye whilst members of the audience… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 12:51 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Why Democracy?

Just when you thought public discourse couldn't sink to new depths of witlessness, it does just that. Proof came with one of the offerings on last night's Why Democracy? series on the Beeb. The production that concerns us was undertaken by a shower called the "Ministry of Truth" (not the excellent Unity,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 9:24 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Bearing Up Well

Westmonster thinks that it is fair to say that the lobby were unimpressed with Gord's performance at PMQs yesterday, with bears (baiting thereof) being the metaphor of choice. The Times has Brown as a grizzly, the Independent chooses a brown bear, Simon Hoggart in the Guardian merely goes for… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 11 Oct 2007 8:05 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

I wanna live like common people

BONG! Outrage turns to hilarity amongst staff over Queuegate, with MPs falling over themselves to demonstrate that they are prepared to get down and dirty with the unwashed masses. So far - according to Westmonster's lovely assistant - there have been no less than 16 (update: check that, now 17) Members of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 6:00 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

Good interventions, bad interventions

Quiet, isn't it? Now that PMQs is done with, Gord's week from hell is all over bar the shouting and the hacks have repaired to the boozer bustled off to write their analyses. Even the Tories seem to have jibbed it. It's Opposition Day and they've chosen motions on not… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 3:33 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Paper Waving

LIVE! PMQs for 10/10/07

11:59 A couple of minutes to go until Welsh Questions winds up, and Westmonster would like it noted that it appears to be House of Commons Loud Tie Day, with both Peter Hain and Jack Straw wearing eye-watering confections. Looking good, gents. 12:00 Here we go. Harriet wrestles aside the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 11:38 AM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

Power to the staffers!

The newshounds at Auntie are hot on the story of the new ruling that dictates that House of Commons staffers have to genuflect before Members of Parliament as they push past us in the queue. Apparently, our champions in this matter are the Liberal Democrats' resident Cheeky Boy Lembit Opik… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 11:19 AM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Stopping The Presses

Telegraph: all schoolkids to be jailed!

Horrific news from the Telegraph following Straw's announcement yesterday that incitement to homophobic hatred is to become a crime. The Telegraph reports that every school child who so much as says, "Why, it's a gay morning isn't it chaps? Pip pip!" will be immediately sent to Wormwood Scrubs where they… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 10:50 AM. Permalink

Department of Advance Early Warning

PMQs Live @ Midday

The House is back in session, and as a regular feature, Westmonster will be live blogging Prime Minister's Questions as and when they occur.Coverage begins today at midday for the first PMQs of this session.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 8:57 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Half-time in the House: everything to play for

Don't listen to the Government's advice; it'll give you cancer, warns the Independent. In spite of the angry, nasal squealing inflicted on the Chamber by the Boy George yesterday, Peter Riddell reckons that the Eyebrow has played a blinder in knackering the Tories' advantage. Tory blogosphere: hang your head… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 10 Oct 2007 7:29 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Projection and objection in the House

BONG! Guido reports that former New Labour darling, Oona King, is to join the Big Tent. Even more psychologically fascinating than this decision is a comment left on Guido's post which starts "why don't you f*ck off and stick your greasy tongue back up Gay Gordon's rancid arsehole instead of posting shite… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 6:00 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Oooh! Back of the net!

Good news for the comrades at last in the pre-budget report! The Eyebrow's just announced that he's going to raise the threshold for inheritance tax to £600,000, in order to balance fair taxation with health and education spending, and he combined it with a nice bitchslap directed at the Tories over their… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 3:59 PM. Permalink

Department for Tax and Spend

Darling, are you channelling?

Well, after a shaky start and some periodic barracking - the Tories have clearly been told to roar and heckle loudly - Alistair seems to be holding it together. Must be the eyebrows. Surprisingly, Darling has announced that he plans to "close loopholes" on non-domiciles, and introduce a 2p cut in corporation… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 3:41 PM. Permalink

Climbing The Greasy Pole

The aphrodisiac of power...

...or not, as the case may be. Westmonster was amused to see this story on Recess Monkey. Apparently Parliament is positively zinging with a "sexually charged atmosphere." Absolutely. Why, anybody here will tell you that we spend our days engaged in a desperate struggle to keep our clothes on as we… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 1:22 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Finger Pointing

The meedja sense blood

The fingering of the "Young Turks" over Chickengate continues apace, with this piece in the Coffeehouse and this rather apocalyptic offering from Rachel Sylvester in the Telegraph. Philip Webster had a good story in the Times yesterday about how Brown had never really been sold on the idea of an… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 10:00 AM. Permalink

Department for the Tyburn Jig

Losing My Religion

Yesterday's criminal justice Bill descended into the sort of medieval insania which only the thorny issue of "the gays" can inspire. The Criminal Justice and Immigration Bill is a wide-ranging piece of legislation that seeks to reduce anti-social behaviour and give protection to householders defending their property against intruders. In… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 8:05 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Statesmanship a la mode

Great stuff from Dave yesterday in the Iraq statement. Dave berated the Gord for how he was "dealing with people's lives and the families of our brave servicemen. How dare he play politics with our armed forces? The Conservatives wouldn't do that! Vote for us to support our boys!" Stirringly… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 9 Oct 2007 7:39 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

The end of a long day in politics

BONG! Those geniuses (genii?) at Labour HQ have discovered another way to irritate the electorate - all hail! Not only are members of the public subjected to a form of market research (called Voter ID) when they open the door to a red rosette-wearing canvasser, but now they've removed the need… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 5:25 PM. Permalink

Behind the Terrace curtain

How was he for you?

Well, the Gord's managed to get through two of the three horror-events he's got planned today without suffering a major mishap. The policy he adopted at his press conference of talking expansively about his "vision" every time somebody asked a question that may have been within the same postcode as… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 5:01 PM. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

The anti-war brigade are revolting!

Much drama at Westminster as the anti-war march has stalled at the corner of Whitehall, where they have spent the last forty minutes chanting "Gord On Brown Ter Or Rist!", alongside demands to whip the troops out now, and a combination of the two to the tune of Yellow Submarine.To… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 3:12 PM. Permalink

Ministry For Feral Media

Gord digs in his heels

Westmonster is kicking herself at not keeping a running tally of how many times Brown used the word "vision." The Gord entered from behind the curtain, glowered around the room, and took the first question on - predictably - the General Election (Lack Therof) Bill 2007. Brown stared down Boulton (for it… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 12:57 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

News From The Big Tent

Is Rupert pulling the strings?

Much has been made of a throwaway line in Jackie Ashley's column regarding gorgeous, pouting Rupert Murdoch (pictured) who apparently took tea and cucumber sandwiches at Chequers this weekend. Ashley speculates that Rupe might have threatened to use Europe against Brown, and this factored into his decision not to hold… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 10:19 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Brown's day from hell

If you think your Monday's bad, check out Brown's diary: he'll get a hard time at the Downing Street press conference this morning, suffer heckles as he makes his Iraq statement (again, but in the Chamber this time), and finish off with addressing several hundred belligerent Labour MPs in the… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 8 Oct 2007 7:12 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

When Pundits Get The Arse IX

BONG! Anyone else enjoying the sight of Adam Boulton stamping his feet, sulking, and refusing to come down for his tea over the fact that the Beeb got the exclusive interview with Brown? He's flounced around all day without losing steam. Aw bless, he'll sleep well tonight! BONG! Much harrumphing… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Oct 2007 4:13 PM. Permalink

Department for Kite Flying

The Sunday after the night before

Unsurprisingly the Sundays have had a bit of a last minute re-draft and are full of the PM's decision to call off a snap election. This has coincided with the YouGov poll that puts the Tories three points ahead, with the comrades dropping five points to 38. The Observer… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Oct 2007 10:34 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Administrative Affairs

Back 2 Skool

Whilst the kids have been back at their various educational institutions for a month, our Members of Parliament will return from their summer holidays tomorrow. Yes. The middle of October. This week's business can be seen in full here. Oral PQs Monday - Work and Pensions; Leader of the House… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 7 Oct 2007 10:25 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

No vote, Tories gloat

BONG! And so, the backlash cometh. So far Brown has been called yellow, a feartie, frit, and been accused of bottling it. As Westmonster is out and about today, she doesn't know for sure at what point Brown uttered his traditional "we are more concerned with getting on with the business of running… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 6:21 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Margin of Error

Brown blinks first

Well, that's that then. Westmonster has duly cancelled her return ticket to Worksop. Gordon forgot the first rule of bandwagons: if you're going to start one rolling you better be damn sure that you can control the bugger if it looks like it's going to run away with itself.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 5:15 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Mercer moves outside the big tent and takes aim

Well done to Iain Dale (whose eyes, unlike Westmonster's, are presumably not impeded by a roaring hangover) who notices that quasi-defector Patrick Mercer has left the Big Tent. Mercer, who Brown had appointed his Advisor on the Third Pillar Box From the Left on Kings' Street or somesuch bollocks, had previously… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 1:37 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

That Was The Week That Was

Exclusive: Cameron is Rasputin's love child

This time last week a YouGov poll for the Telegraph had the comrades maintaining their 11 point lead over the shiny faced boy wonder (pictured here with a cute puppy. Awwww!), whilst the Times Populus poll had him slipping five percentage points in the aftermath of the Gord's address to Conference. He… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 6 Oct 2007 11:30 AM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Why he should go for it

It knackers Lord Ashcroft's key seats strategy: The Tories have spent the last couple of years stuffing crisp tenners into the G-strings of their candidates in the chosen marginals, but as soon as the election is called legislation governing spending kicks in, ending these shenanigans. The longer Gord leaves it,… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 6:10 PM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Chickens, post boxes, and the UKIP conference

BONG! Ben Brogan has nailed his trousers to the mast and come out against there being an election called this autumn, and Dizzy concurs. BONG! Some hi-LAR-ious graphics over at ConservativeHome which involve chickens (present) and guts (lack thereof).… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 5:51 PM. Permalink

Ministry for the Margin of Error

He will, or won't, by Sunday

Allow Westmonster to set the scene. Polls are showing a big bounce. Newly smoke-free and sterile bunkers are crowding with "key decision makers." Commentators are out of breath. The Papers are out of breath. And this morning Today is leading on Dave mocking Gord over the suggestion that he'll wimp… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 8:42 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

We're the Tories. Perhaps you've heard of us.

Well folks, the Guardian/ICM poll is out, and it shows that the Tories and Labour are neck and neck at 38%. Cameron's ratings are the best they've been since March. Ruh-roh! Excellent analysis, as always, from the UK Polling Report. Alistair Darling on the predicted economic downturn: "this town, is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 5 Oct 2007 7:44 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

It polls for thee, Gordon

BONG! Much drama over at Iain Dale's where unconfirmed rumours are flying that tomorrow's poll for the Guardian puts the Tories ahead by three points. UK Polling Report... erm... reports that Dale's numbers were based on interim results and the final numbers will reflect a small Labour lead. More polls filtering in… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 5:20 PM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Cameron wants to kick the tyres

Whilst Dave Cameron is trying on the chains of office to see whether they're his size, will Samantha be measuring up for new curtains in Number 10?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 3:40 PM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

How socialism works

So, Tony Benn wants to be selected for the unwinnable Conservative seat of Kensington. What that man will never cease to do to bolster his own self-importance, er, represent the cause of the common people, eh? Last week came the news that some seventeen year old - who just happened to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 2:44 PM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

The quacks rush in

Whilst much has been made of Dave delivering his speech with just a couple of jottings as a prompt, we at Westmonster remain unconvinced by some of the subsequent praise heaped on this latter day Disraeli by the chatterati. Firstly, at least one of us at Westmonster has been… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 11:18 AM. Permalink

MPs: Working Hard... For YOU!

Breast is best

So, you are an MP and you've just got wind that two local hospitals are to be downgraded. What do you do? Well, you could meet with senior managers and local staff to discuss the issue, possibly even draw up a petition. You could talk to Ministers to make them… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 8:16 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Unscripted Dave: the morning after

Are we bovvered that Cameron managed to avoid political suicide in Blackpool yesterday? Oh no, not us, not at all. Couldn't care less actually. Ahem. Right, so Peter Riddell reckons that he did well, but stopped just short of a slam-dunk, the Independent thinks the boy did good, Ros Taylor… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 4 Oct 2007 7:47 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Dave's speech: the fallout

BONG! Cameron's choice of campaign song is questioned by Tom Watson: apparently it's about gangstas, taking drugs, smacking hos, shooting up the pigs, and all of the jolly unpleasant things that the Tories are dreadfully unhappy about. Poor show, chaps! BONG! Five minutes before Dave is due to address Conference, Nadine… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 6:48 PM. Permalink

Don't Look Ethel!

"Diffrunt peeple mk me angy"

In ye olden days the proverbial nutter would spend his time on street corners, shouting about the injustice of not being able to take his camel on the bus, whilst the world largely ignored him. No more. Now he can message the entire Facebook group ("Demand Bus Passes for Camels!")… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 5:50 PM. Permalink

Live From The Carlton Club

LIVE! Cameron speaks

Westmonster provided live coverage of David Cameron's speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool. The transcript appears below. Westmonster would especially like to note that she called the Jimmy Cliff song more than 3 minutes before it came over the loudspeakers, and wasn't just reporting it had already happened.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 1:48 PM. There are 2 comments so far. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Tinfoil hat stand doing a roaring trade

In spite of the rapturous ovation received by IDS for his speech yesterday, we at Westmonster remain rather perplexed by some of what he had to say. Apparently, the reason Gord wants to go to the polls is to destroy the Conservative Party, along with cute puppies, fluffy things… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 10:51 AM. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

As clear as mud

The recent claims and counter claims over the fiscal advisability of the Tory's tax proposals have left Westmonster (who has trouble counting her change with any degree of accuracy) somewhat baffled. Where better, therefore, to go for lucid explanation than the Labour Party website for a simple, concise description of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 8:12 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Sex and insider gossip - Tory style

Alice Miles in the Times gives a resounding bitchslap to the Tories' plans to "boost marriage." For herself, Westmonster has always been somewhat perplexed that the Conservatives seem to genuinely believe that there are those who - halfway through The Sex - will stop to give serious consideration to… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 3 Oct 2007 7:44 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Shape making and flagellation

BONG! Shadow Treasury spokesperson Philip Hammond has queried whether the public are ready to trust the Tories on the economy and public services. We at Westmonster, however, trust that he'll probably be drinking alone tonight. BONG! The Gord is more popular than Cameron amongst women, according to the Fawcett Society.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Oct 2007 5:19 PM. There are 1 comments so far. Permalink

Ministry for Madness

Shut up, you crazy fool!

So Basher Davis has compared Justice Secretary Jack Straw to that esteemed criminologist, BA Baracus. Once more, people: politicians should never, ever attempt humour. The only one who could get away with it was Chucky K. And look what happened to him. Apart from anything else, BA is clearly not… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Oct 2007 2:59 PM. Permalink

Out on the Stump

Don't Stop Me Now

Well boys and girls, it looks like we're on, don't it? Not that Westmonster knows anything more than anybody else, but it seems that Gord and Cameron have ratcheted up the ante to such an extent that if Brown backs out now, he'll give the impression of being scared of… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Oct 2007 2:29 PM. Permalink

Department for Expanding the British Museum

Er, quick! Mention the war!

Well, it looks like the Boy George, with his Oxford Union Debating Society stylings, has sent the Gord off to Baghdad. Nothing like reminding the anti-war middle classes to whom Osborne was appealing yesterday that one of the most resented decisions of the previous PM (Tony something, wasn't it?) is… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Oct 2007 10:30 AM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Letwin: I see dead people

Oliver Letwin is Doris Stokes, and Westmonster claims her £5. In an interview conducted with the Independent yesterday Letwin was asked, inter alia, whether the Tory Party had underestimated Gordon Brown. His response: No. As a matter of fact, we had a presentation before he took over, which predicted… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Oct 2007 10:25 AM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Hasta la vista, baby

Arnold Schwarzenegger disappointed Conservatives a few months ago when he announced that he couldn't address their Conference in person because he didn't want to be tarred by association with a crappy brand was washing his hair. Nevertheless, he managed to chat to the Tories via video link yesterday, and… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 2 Oct 2007 7:10 AM. Permalink

Points, In Order

Tory cork pops prematurely

BONG! Kids, there are some things you just shouldn't do, especially if you work in politics. But if you must do them, don't post the photographs on Facebook. And if you must put the photos on Facebook, don't supplement them with "gags" that Bernard Manning would have rejected as being too risque.… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 7:43 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Sublime to the ridiculous

Jebus, the Conservative Conference looks like a scaaaary place to be at times. Whiling away the day glued to BBC Parliament has revealed some very weird behaviour. First, what is all this strolling around the stage like Billy Connolly (a rot that now appears to be de rigeur in modern… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 4:26 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Let them lead the way

That bloke asking a question in the Childhood in Britain debate did actually say "I believe that children are the future," didn't he?… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 4:20 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

These boots are made for addressing Conference

And so the annual speculation begins again and is looking like it might reach fever pitch this year. Yup, that's right, folks. Shadow Leader of the House Theresa May has gone mad in the Selfridges shoe department again...or not, in this case. As Iain Dale notes, it's quite a feat (geddit?) to be… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 2:24 PM. Permalink

News from the Carlton Club

Karma Chameleon

Westmonster has long been of the opinion that the talk of an early poll was a cunning plan by the comrades, and one she referred to - somewhat inelegantly - as "the premature ejaculation strategy." The theory behind this was that if Brown spent the summer being enigmatic about the possibility… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 12:34 PM. Permalink

While You Were Sleeping

Another Manic Monday

Overheard in the Imperial bar, Blackpool, was a woman with the poshest voice ever declaring, "I live in the poorest part of London. There are single mothers EVERYWHERE." On a related note is this article by Decca Aitkenhead on George Osborne (hat tip Skuds), which contradicts the view that… read more…

Written by Lloyd Shepherd on 1 Oct 2007 8:21 AM. Permalink

October 2007 Archives