LIVE: Gordon Speaks

2:20 PM: He's Here!... and smiling! Who'd have thought, eh? They're piping in the song "Put Your Hands Up" which is an improvement on the Lighthouse Family Horror of 2001 at least.

2:21 PM: He's not putting much effort into quieting the clapping is he? "Oh, you GUYS!"

2:23 PM: Makes a joke about whether he would recommend the job of PM to anyone else, to which he replies, "Not yet!" Are you listening David Miliband? Are you?

2:27 PM: Gordon reminds us - via the usual stuff about courage and resolve of British public - that he'd come eyeball-to-eyeball with a terrorist threat in his first month. Smooth move to slip that one in at the beginning - Cameron's gonna have trouble matching that. "In my first week as Conservative leader, Conference, I saw a poor person and hugged it."

2:29 PM: Pretty event-heavy, innit? Gord moves onto foot-and-mouth, commends every single DEFRA operative (apart from the one who may have spread the disease, natch) and nails his countryside credentials to the mast.

2:31 PM: "...stand united together!" is followed by wild applause. The clappers (who are usually stationed at the end of each row) are working hard this year. Either that or Gord's got "Jerry" in sound working the canned applause, but Westmonster doesn't think so. He's even getting some from activists watching the speech on the TV.

2:35 PM: Gordon Unplugged - The Early Years. He's a "conviction politician." (Not like that former PM. Remember him? Blair something, wasn't it?) We're onto Britishness now: first person to mention that which lies beyond Hadrians Wall gets disappeared.

2:36 PM: So far we've had mention of "all the talents" three times and how we cannot afford not to utilise them. This, presumably, means more Tory Lords in the Cabinet.

2:39 PM: The next chapter for the comrades involves "building a strong and fair society" and dealing with the poverty of aspiration. In order to do this he's going to "unlock all the talents of all the people" and putting people first. "We Are All Labour Now" as a campaign slogan.

2:40 PM: Oh Christ, here come the personal experiences of The Public.

2:41 PM: Enter "Max" who is was doing badly at school until the comprehensive spending review sorted him out. "Max said to me, you've got to ensure that the Local Government Education (Miscellaneous Provision) Bill goes through unamended by Committee, Mr Brown!" Like, whatever.

2:43 PM: Expanding the concept of the three Rs to encompass everything from basket weaving to anthropology has earned a gasp here. The dull thud from the back was one of the delegates from the teaching union passing out.

2:45 PM: The statement that more kids at University are getting grants than ever before has earned a roar of "NOT TRUE!" from the back here.

2:46 PM: "I believe the children are our future, give them a tax credit and let them lead the way."

2:48 PM: That was a "back of the net!" moment, innit? Stating that all children regardless of their parents' circumstances should have an equal start in life will make Cameron's policy of (if not birching) then at least NOT HUGGING single mums look rather reactionary. WOOOHOOO! Maternity leave up to nine months. Later, bitchez.

2:50 PM: The Carers' Commission's gonna have its job cut out for it if it's going to do all that Gord's just promised. Never mind, apparently Harriet "I Am A Woman" Harman is going to help out. Yes. That'll do it.

2:53 PM: Which was weirder? The fact that he's just announced restoring the pension link or the terrifying smile he broke into afterwards?

2:56 PM: Nice bit on the economic strength of the nation - a nod to Alistair Darling's eyebrows for steering us through the Northern Rock crisis last week - concluding with a backslap over the minimum wage. Sure-fire bonker cert way of getting a clap with the comrades. Did he just announce more holidays for all as well?

2:58 PM: There are going to be more homeowners in 2010 than in 1997 and they're all going to be carbon-neutral or something. What is an eco-town anyway? A kind of biodegradable Milton Keynes?

2:59 PM: Oh my God, Westmonster feels SICK, but is there not something mildly erotic about Brown when he starts getting all law and order on everybody's ass?

3:00 PM: Cracking down on gun crime's gonna be a difficult one even with these new "gun detectors" that he's announced. "Scuse me sir, you have a gun on your person... er, as you were, bye!"

3:02 PM: Pretty firm statement on drugs not being decriminalised. That won't go down well with the middle aged hippy element in the audience and certain elements of the press lounge.

3:04 PM: Discipline (arf!), respect and responsibility is where it's AT apparently, which seems to be about cracking down on kids drinking Diamond White on park benches and trying to shag each other. Way to knacker a British rite of passage, Mr. Brown.

3:06 PM: Oh God, a "Yoof Budget" to allow young people decide what money is spent on. Isn't that what we elect the Government to do, or is that, like, sooooooo pre-2007?

3:07 PM: The biggest clap thus far (apart from the minimum wage) has been for his promise to kick out immigrants who deal drugs.

3:08 PM: Here comes the "new politics" and how the executive needs to be more accountable. Wonder whether that extends to a referendum on the EU "Treaty," eh?

3:09 PM: Bloody hell, elections for the second chamber's got them all applauding in here. They talk about nothing else on the streets of Warsop.

3:10 PM: Can you keep a secret? Westmonster gets slightly bored when everyone starts talking green ishoos but he's mercifully short on this one.

3:12 PM: The EU Treaty elicited applause that sounded somewhat hollow but we're all reassured that he "believes in being a good European." That'll be a "no" to the referendum then.

3:14 PM: "I am extremely pleased that Blair is wandering around in a Palestinian war-zone rather than cramping my style in Bournemouth. Let's give him a clap, and hope he doesn't get shot."

3:17 PM: Children certainly seem to be the theme, don't it? Ensuring every kid worldwide goes to school sounds a tad ambitious to Westmonster, but it went down well in the hall. Today: Britain. Tomorrow: the world. By next Thursday: the elimination of HIV/AIDS.

3:18 PM: Please Lord, not more anecdotes from The Public re: the NHS.

3:20 PM: He's been going for an hour. The man has STAMINA, eh?

3:21 PM: Whooping here as well as in the hall about ensuring that private contractors are cleaning the bogs properly in the NHS.

3:25 PM: Back to Gordon Brown's schooldays and rugby injury that nearly made him blind. Hmmm, in spite of the bigging up of the NHS' role, it was Westmonster's understanding that if the doctors hadn't buggered up the operation he'd have both. Oh well, it's a good story and fits more snugly into the narrative.

3:26 PM: Nice one, Gord! Westmonster assumes that it's over as the sound's just gone on the telly. Welcome to the Labour Party, people.

3:27 PM: Final thought: was that a manifesto...?