LIVE: Ming's Conference speech
11.57: Like every blushing virgin, Ming seems to want to make a statement by arriving at the church 15 minutes late, so viewers at home are currently being treated to a muzaked version of "Moving on Up" by the Beeb, whilst the Libs rattle their fundraising tins around the audience. Makes you nostalgic for the Lighthouse Family, don't it?
12.01: A Charlie Falconer-alike is dragging out the thanks as long as he can - presumably Ming's in the green room doing his makeup. At this rate we'll be hearing Bob and Jane from Middlesborough commended for making the cakes at last year's Chrimbo get-together.
12.04: Jesus wept, get on with it! What kind of lead up is this to the keynote speech? Or perhaps the idea is that Ming looks positively zingy in comparison?
12.05: A sharp stage shuffle is going on: sharp eyed views can see the eminently suitable yoof being lined up on stage, as the big screen shows Ming getting all outraged on everybody's ass about the environment. The environment is at the heart of the Conference, apparently. Christ, forty minutes liveblogging on biodegradable nappies? Argh!
12:07: Oooh here we go. Enter Ming, looking snappy in as loud a tie as a LibDem can manage and flanked by his wife who's going in for the Jackie O look. Go on Ming, flash the dentures (unless they're gonna glow in the ultraviolet light, that is).
12.10: Environment, BAE systems, and Brown's "big tent" is the subject of Ming's initial rage.
12:12: Heh, look at the selected members behind him trying not to look uncertain as he declares that the Liberal Democrats "are never more relevant than they are today." Like, whatEVAH.
12:17: Humour is something that politicians should never, ever attempt - especially when trying to deal with meedja rumours of a coup. I might have missed the punchline about his wife being a "young Turk" a "joke" that can only be responded to with the phrase: WTF? "But seriously..." says Ming which is the sign for Jerry in sound to turn off the canned laughter.
12:18: A reasonably effective pisstake of the new political "big tent" encompassing as it does Thatch, Cameron, Digby, and more aspiring members of his own party. Ming assures us that he doesn't want to be like any of them. Just as well, all things considered.
12:19: Anyone get the gag on "the lad is not for turning"? Anyone? "Whenever he calls an election he will face a Liberal Democrat party willing to rattle the cage!" he roars. Hear that? It's Gord shaking in his boots.
12:21: The mayoral candidates are getting a plug along with a jibe at Bojo who is described as "the blondest suicide note in history."
12:25: Gordon's getting the full benefit of Ming's finger wagging: everything that has hitherto happened in Gov't including personal debt, Iraq, green taxes and the Papal inquisition (Westmonster shouldn't wonder) is the new PM's fault. Wag that finger, Ming, wag it!
12:30: Like, here's the thing: what exactly is Campbell proposing on FMD? Wittering about "getting the balance right" is a lot easier to say than to achieve. Oooh, we're onto Cameron now. Sorry, I thought that everyfink was Brown's fault (see above). Little, er, "eclectic" this speech, innit?
12:31: Jerry in sound must be getting repetitive strain injury on his button-pushing finger. "Policies Dave, but not as we know them"? Jesus wept.
12:32: Ah, that's the stuff. The meat of the speech seems to be against the "cosy consensus" between the parties - although Westmonster is slightly confused by Paddy Ashdown being presented as a latter day Mandela - and a promise of vigorous debate.
12.34: "I will not be silenced" = "the quiet man has just turned up the volume"? Think on, people. A shiny penny to the first person who spots Sarah Teather sharpening her knife in the audience.
12:37: Another vigorous debate is planned, this time on Europe as well as a commitment to support a referendum. Muted applause from the audience on this one, and hardly surprising. Why doesn't Ming just abolish the party and set up a discussion forum on Facebook where everybody can "debate" but nobody takes the lead?
12:40: Yeah, here we go...dragging out "members of the public" who apparently all support LibDem policy. "I met Jane, a 26 year old former teacher who spoke of her outrage that Statutory Instrument 23132, the Northern Ireland (Thickness of Windows) Amendment order wasn't subject to a full debate in the House as protocol dictates on controversial matters and is outraged that the usual channels were blocked on this issue!" Whatever, dude.
12:42: Ming doesn't really "do" angry, does he? Excruciating.
12:43: Does Westmonster hear the phrase "PR" marching in the direction of the speech?
12:44: Yup, there it is.
12:45: The environment's going to get a Bill of Rights. Next stop: votes for trees!
12:49: A shopping list of Labour's failures has elicited some genuine applause from the audience (Jerry's hand takes five) and some pretty effective delivery from Ming is undermined somewhat by the casual dropping in of new policies that no-one's heard of. Should we know what a People's Premium is?
12:52: The five freedoms that underpin LibDem policy: freedom...er...phone rang sorry! Third is personal security - Ming's gonna protect us all from the dread hand of Labour's security state. Fourth: prosperity for all not just tax cuts for the better off (cf. Brown's last budget). Ooooh, back of the net, nice one Ming! Fifth: freedom of a clean environment. Indeed. Bill of Rights. Votes for trees.
12:53: Anyone fancy taking a punt on "It Doesn't Have To Be This Way" being the LibDem slogan at the next election? Assuming Ming makes it that far that is....
12:54: "The LibDems are the only alternative!" Campbell tells us that he joined the Libs because he wanted to affect change...well with Lloyd George in charge at the time, he probably assumed that change with the Libs was still possible.
12:56: It's over. Thank F*CK for that. Jerry's back on duty, and Ming's taking a standing ovation backed by some sort of lift muzak. Isn't this where we came in?
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